Perhaps this sort of thing is true for most parents. Unfortunately, most people wear "church face" all too often. So, I really don't know. Most people won't confess the things they do wrong. They focus on the good and only admit the difficulties and atrocities* of their daily lives to a chosen few. Unfortunately I'm not one of the chosen few with many, so I don't think I have a real understanding of most others' families or the parents' feelings about their parenting.
Eyeore is a representation of me as a Mama because even though I may have had some "instructions" available, I didn't understand how what I was doing would effect the end product much of the time. So, I did what I could understand. That's the thing about crochet directions and wise counsel from parents and/or The Lord. Just because I can't visualize the result of something in crochet (but ESPECIALLY when Father directs it), doesn't negate the necessity or usefulness of it! I just didn't understand that then as I do now. As with Eyeore, I feel as if I see my mistakes in Ria. And I feel a depth of sorrow and heart acheyness that I don't have the ability to describe... even with my love of Words!
Ria is wonderful and amazing. She is far better than my parenting accounts for. I'm not saying she's a bad result at all. Rather, I'm taking responsibilty for some negatives that seem to originate from times when I didn't follow the "instructions" as I could and definitely should have.
Pooh is "better". Now, that doesn't mean Kat is better than Ria. Admittedly I have an easier time dealing with Kat, but I REALLY believe that has more to do with the fact that she's SO MUCH a mini-Jessie in SO MANY ways. Jess is difficult, but at least I know how to deal with him. Thus, in learning strategies that word in dealing with him, I understand more how to deal with her. Also, I think it could have a LOT to do with the fact that I never had to leave Kat every day during her first year of life, so I have a MUCH greater understanding of her than Ria. Even if Ria was just like Jess, I think my difficulties with her would still exist for the latter reason mentioned.
But Pooh IS better because I was more knowledgeable. I was more trusting of and in the instructions. I was more willing to do things that I didn't understand because I figured they were in there for some good reason or another. And THAT is definitely appropraitely broadened as a symbol of ME as a Mama! Will Kat be generally better than Ria? I have not a clue in the world. She's her OWN person... only time will answer that question. But I have to admit that when I see her, the mistakes that are MINE are less obviously apparent both to the naked eye AND any other observer. My pain over mistakes I know in her is not as heart achey.
Tigger is still in pieces. I'm confident, though, that when I finish this doll he will be almost perfect BECAUSE I follow the directions as closely as I can. I know that they are there for a reason and that they will result in a good end product. I don't try to figure out why the instructions are important along the way and then detmine if they should be followed. I follow them with little questioning in my mind. I have experience with the whole process and feel confident in my ability (almost totally lacking when I made Eyeore and not as firm when I made Pooh as it is now).
Does that mean that I'm confident that there will be even less for me to feel heart-achey over when I look at Tea when she's 5. No. Unfortunately my confidence as a crocheter is MUCH greater than that which I feel as a Mama. But, I do have a great hope that when I look at her I will see fewer mistakes made by me in my parenting of her! I have hope that my ability to understand and discern Father's Will AND my humility in application of it is making me into the Mama HE knows I can be. And THAT is all I want to do and be: what He knows is a possibility! He remembers me from time immemorial! He's the organizer and Father of my Spirit, but my intelligence existed with Him. So, He knows far better than I can even begin to comprehend or consider what my potential is and how to utilize my specialities. So, if I can continue on this path and realize His plan for me, I will have done something about which to feel great pleasure!
*Remember the (*) in the first paragraph? This is a comment about that word:
I am an English language person. I don't always use high diction, but I love adjectives and words in general. Please keep in mind that I love to write and am not, in actuality, referring to any real atrocity. The nature of the word means something beyond extreme. While I admit to some extremes, I don't actually think "atrocities" are or have been experienced in my life or family. Extreme difficulties and trials, perhaps. But no atrocities. It's hyperbole! It's a writing thing to keep or pique a reader's interest (if you weren't sure what hyperbole is).
This is the second part of a two part tale started HERE. So, if you'd like the rest of the story, click on over.
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