But You Won't Get a Break

I had a brief conversation with my neighbor and during the course of it she asked if Ria would be starting preschool next year. (I guess that goes to show how petite Princess Ria is. ^_^) When I told her NO, that I was homeschooling and that Ria had already started, my neighbor just looked horrified. I couldn't quite figure out why she looked so upset until she spoke those words, "But you won't get a break! When will you get a break??!" I responded with something like, "Well, I'm a home-stay Mom anyway...."

My real reaction: WOW!

You see, I know many women feel this way and would never consider homeschooling because they look forward to the idea of decreasing their responsibility for a few hours a day when the older child(ren) goes(go) off to school. But no one has ever SAID this to ME. I was rather disappointed that someone did.... I know it's a very clear window into her feelings about being a home-stay Mama, but still.

To be completely honest, I have felt very poignantly the endlessness of being with my children. Actually, up until about a year ago (maybe a little more than that) I was a pretty miserable home-stay Mom. By miserable I'm referring to the feeling I had that I didn't EVER get enough time alone... blah, blah, blah. I don't know exactly what changed, bu I'm going to guess it has a tremendous amount to do with something my dear friend Sage said to me. Her words (as many of them do) made a DEEP impact and I've been changing bit by bit ever since, I think. And, the best part, the biggest part of the change has been without much effort.

How? A weight has been slowly lifting.

Would you like to read her profound words? (Profound to me, at least.) And, please, keep in mind these words are uttered by a woman who is an easy and NATURAL Mother who loves to BE with her children and cuddle and hold them. I was expressing frustrations over a number of different home-stay-Mom issues (like not having time to myself and being over-touched). I said something like, "I feel like a bad Mom. I don't feel like I like being a Mom at all, but I WANT to like it. This is the only job I want at all, EVER... WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!!???" I probably didn't exactly yell that last bit, but I'm sure I said it with some hysteria and probably tears, too.

What did Sage say? She said after a brief pause in which I was sure she was agreeing in her mind that I was a horrible Mother, "I think that it takes time, sometimes, to grow to love being a Mom." We discussed this idea. She confessed that she'd not had to grow to love it, but that it wasn't a horrible thing if someone did. Sage words from a most loving Mama, to me (at the time I felt like the antithesis of her!).

I'm not sure if I felt it in that moment, but I certainly have felt this pressure of self-depreciation and personal haranguing lift bit by bit ever since she said that to me! The effort on my part; perhaps I'm forgiving myself more daily and allowing myself to change in due time. Maybe I accept my bad moments with a little more grace and try to visualize myself as the Mama (Sage-like) that I want to be.... especially after a bad moment. I've been trying to re-run the scene with me behaving differently immediately following Mama acting baddly - not always successful, but trying.

Currently, most days I love being a Mama even though I still fuss too much and threaten various forms of punishment too often and send my kiddos to their rooms too often. Now-a-days, I actually spend moments of just sitting with Tea and Kat (sometimes Ria, but she's often busy with something on her own) and cuddling. This is something I didn't allow myself time for and could barely tolerate a little over a year ago. I still have a lame touch limit (too low for a good Mama), but it's getting better.

I know Father gave me this HUMONGO blessing when he put me in the way to know the sage my friend Sage!!!

So, even though my neighbor said something that would have hurt because of it's truth speaking a year or so ago, it doesn't hurt now. It just surprised me. There are moments, for sure, that I still want more time alone or something. But I do have time to myself (mostly at night and not quite completely by myself because I have Tea), but it's enough most of the time.

Isn't it wonderful, to be able to see self-improvement?

In what ways have you changed in the last year that you feel really good about? Of course, there may be something (like this one for me) that you won't even realize until there's a magnifying glass of someone's words placed over it... but still. I'm sure you've progressed in some wonderful ways and I would love to learn of those that you are aware of! ^_^