I'm not perfect. I know, WHAT a surprise, right!?? I mean, come on! I homeschool... I should be perfect at everything, right? Obviously and definitely NOT!
I was writing a comment that turned into a blog post in itself and I realized I wanted to share the basic message of my comment turned blog here. Perhaps "wanted" is a bit much. I felt, since I'm trying to be more bald - not naked, just bald - that I should share it.
So, I've got this thing. It's a bad thing. And here is my thing: I judge people harshly when I learn they are trying to NOT have children. It's not an angry kind of judgement. It's a 'sad for you' kind. Not that one is better than another. I just want to explain in case you think you might have been on the end of it... not that either feels good. Oh crud. Can I dig any deeper? I AM trying to change this thing.
Okay, so "thing" is being really easy on myself. It's a sin. I'm sinning. I'm a sinner. Okay. Are you happy now? I realize this shortcoming and I am and HAVE BEEN trying to change myself and my thoughts about this issue. It's slow coming, but I think I'm making some progress.
Our experiences and circumstances create the atmosphere necessary to teach us the things we need to know. Right now they are teaching me a bit of compassion for those who want to prevent pregnancy or limit their family size... though only the first is true for me thus far. You see, I feel VERY strongly (theoretically AND in practice previously) that I/we/they should accept Father's Will and bring as many children into our Families as He would lend to us. I feel this. I believe it. I KNOW that Father will provide as long as we will submit our will to His. So, really, I KNOW I need to be submissive and allow Father's Will to work in my life.
But I'm struggling.
I'm afraid to get preggie again. Can you imagine? To be more correct in statement: I don't want to get preggie again right now. So, what's the problem? I feel that the next baby is more ready than the previous 2 (interpretation: the next baby will arrive in less than 2 yeas from the birth of my Tea baby). As I consider it, it's not that I don't want to get preggie... it's more than I don't want to go into labor. Since one leads to inevitable conclusion: the other, I'm SCARED! I'm afraid of having another THREE DAY LONG LABOR! I mean, come ON! Labors are supposed to DEcrease in duration, not INcrease!
You hear that BODY, my body!!!
And so I'm trying to not get preggie yet. And this goes completely against what I believe! And, but the way, I KNOW through my own judgement that I'm prideful, selfish, and totally sinning in so being. I'm trying to change my mind. I'm trying to change my heart. But I feel stuck.
Tea's midwife said, basically, that I just have to trust that when the time comes His strength will suffice and it'll all work out the way it's supposed to work. And I totally believe that. It's just this one piece that won't slip into place in my head right now. :(
And so. I confess: I'm not perfect. I'm a sinner (in way more ways than just this, but I'll not confess them all now). And the worst part is that I'm not allowing the Atonement to work in my life, cause if I was this fear wouldn't exist AND I KNOW IT!!!!
3 comments:
Because you are a blunt person, I trust that you will accept a blunt response to this post. It seems to me that you are caught up in what you THINK is SUPPOSED to be the right choice, and not opening yourself up to individual, personal promptings. It took me a long time of feeling the agonizing conflict you are describing to finally find peace in realizing that Heavenly Father has an INDIVIDUAL plan for me. It isn't about what my life SHOULD be or whether or not the most recent child is ready. It isn't even about if I am ready. It is about His will for me. Reach inside and find where you have peace. I have learned that true peace comes only through the Savior. He can help us do things that are scary or unpleasant. So - if it is His will for you to get pregnant again now, I trust that He will bless you with that confirmation and peace - even if it is still a hard thing. If you do not find your peace then I suggest that it is not because you are ignoring His will, but because you are acting against your preconcieved notions about what His will is. But since He knows better, I would trust that if you aren't getting that personal confirmation, then you are the one who is mistaken and it is NOT His will for you - not now.
Hope that makes sense. Best of luck in getting through the conflict in a way that brings you peace and confidence that you are on the path the Lord has in store for you.
I agree with Jenny. You not feeling ready could actually be inspiration that it is not time.
I also believe that because we have our free agency, we may choose to have more or less children. Our free agency allows teenagers to get pregnant when they are not ready to be mothers. I do not believe that we should continue having children as long as we are able. I think we should consider our circumstances (health, finances, sanity) and then communicate with our Heavenly Father to see what inspiration he may have for us. After having the number of children we feel is right for us, we may receive inspiration that all is well and we have done what he would like us to do. That doesn't mean that if we change our minds and decide to have another that we won't be able to get pregnant. He lets US choose.
John and I haven't made a decision one way or another yet. We are waiting to see what happens with my health and our financial situation. It may be that we decide to not have anymore children. If so, and it is acceptable to our Heavenly Father, why should we be judged for limiting the number of children we have? Please don't judge us...
Just another point of view for you. Love ya!
Here's the thing I think pertinent to both preceding comments: I KNOW there is at least one more child to have (perhaps more, but I'm not thinking beyond the next one). I just can't get over my fear. Perhaps my fear is part of the plan (so that I can realize my poor behavior in being
Regarding free agency...yes, of course there is that. But, I believe we are meant to learn how to submit our will to His: giving the only gift that is OURS to Him (our agency!). He gave it to us so that we could learn to give it to Him. At least, that's my understanding.
I don't think every person should have children as long as they are able... I do think there are those who have their quivers full at 2 or 3 (even ONE!).
The people I feel judgmental against/toward are those who tout their "right" to say NO to more children (without communicating with Father about it) AND saying, when asked if they would be willing to reconsider if they felt it's what Father wanted, "NO. I figure free agency gives me a right to say no to Father." While that is correct, is it right? Is it choosing the right as we are meant to do? I don't think so, and that's where I'm judgmental! :(
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