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I Am... Mama and Writer

First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Did You Hear About This?

Propoganda and psychological operations are now completely okay for the media and government to use.  Yes, it is disturbing.

Just One Minute

If I had only one minute to live
and that time must be spent to say
whatever I’d like to give
my parents to hold forever, that day…

What would my choices be?
How could I fill that time,
for a girl made of words like me?
Should I choose something sublime?
I’d have to first thank them, I think.
For simply giving me life of their life,
for loving even when I was at my brink,
and holding on through many a strife.

I’d tell them I was glad for their choice
of raising a rather large brood.
For helping me  find my own voice,
Even though they’d often rather have, it, subdued.

Love, a few times, must find mention.
For I ache with a feeling of sadness
and these words do not decrease the tension
of considering my end: oh, such badness.

And I think whatever was left of my minute
Must be filled with me tightly clinging
To hold them and hope they feel all in my heart, within it.
And hopefully I’d die with it singing.

Energetically ringing of my love for my Mom and Dad.
Praising all that they did of what they could.
Hopefully they’d feel my heart clad
In all that they gave me of good.

For though they never were perfect,
They gave it all that they had.
And by their efforts in me did erect
a girl trying very hard not to be bad.

What more can one hope for?
What greater eulogy can there be?
Than to bring good and then more?
Nothing.  None.  It’s an impossibility.

Monday, July 30, 2012

It's All Interesting

Or not.

For the past week

I would have to say that the good is that everyone who was sick is mostly getting better.  YEAY!

The bad: only I was able to go to church on Sunday.  Although Ria could've gone, maybe, Jessie didn't want her to because she did cough a few times.  Not the horrible cough it has been, but still a cough.

The ugly: me.  Okay, well, I don't suppose I actually look all that different from the week before or, even, a month before... but I sure do FEEL ugly!  It's rotten, this feeling I've been feeling!  Seriously!  At least I think I sorta understand it.  Had my first visit from Aunt Flo start Friday night/Saturday morning... this is the first real one since Jmy was born (almost 18 months ago) and definitely the first one since the miscarriage (only about 3 weeks ago).

Incorporating Color

Mirror Mirror: a poem reflecting, "Essene" style

Mirror mirror on the wall
who's the fatest one of all?

Can it be
other than me?

And ugly is the next for you.
Could it be someone new?

Of course the answer's always me.
For it's my belief I'm here to see.

So when my sweet Kat-girl tells me true
that she thinks she's ugly, too....

she's reflecting right back
a truth upside my head to smack!

A truth I think is horribly true,
but fill it full of negative feelings of rue.

It's a gift to know the whys
and the silliness of my own lies...

to me, myself, and I, I told
within them, to myself, enfold.

Now, to break free
and to become truly me.

Where to begin?
For this race, I will win.

Where to start?
Yes, before I'm an old fart!

What to do?
Please, give me a clue!

Shared on: Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

Meditation Monday: July 30, 2012

So, last Monday, just because it's the way things worked out, I meditated three times.  Two times on Tuesday and back to what has been my normal of meditation once each day.

It's good.  I still continue to be me with my problems, but it's better than it used to be.  :)

Today is day 56 of my meditation journey, generally.  It is also day 29 of cam meditating.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Delphi Technique

It's weird.
Right out of a not-so-good sci-fi movie.
You may not blieve it could possibly be true.

But it is.
Read.  Learn.

The Delphi Technique.

You can only efficiently battle the enemy
when you are super in-tune with the Holy Spirit
when you know how the devil fights.
If you are not informed of his ways,
trained and (self) taught, led of the Lord to recognize his weapons...
you will be a weaker warrior for Christ than you could be.

Tone the muscles of your mind.
Understand the devil's tools.
Synthesize it all.
Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you,
to fill your mouth and calm your heart.
God will complete your understanding.

Informed Resident of Reading
What Is It?
How to achieve a workable consensus within time limits
The Delphi Technique: Let’s Stop Being Manipulated!

Linked Up

Friday, July 27, 2012

A Mirror in My Life

My weight

Have you heard of the Seven Essene Mirrors?  They are AMAZING!  How does that matter?  Well, very early the morning of this writing (Sunday, July 22, 2012), I came to an epiphany and I hope I've let it in!  Unfortunately, I've had too many experiences with coming to know something and then not being able to fully learn it through daily execution to believe that just because I've had this epiphany, there will be some great changes.  But I sure do hope there will be!

After completing my viewing of a Gregg Braden YouTube about the Seven Essene Mirrors, I've seen a couple of my own for what they are.  The most amazing thing about "learning" about these mirrors is that numerous, even innumerable, experiences and thoughts have come together as a whole now.  I've been hearing about and even speaking about mirrors (emotional, predominantly) for more years than I can count.  If pressed to figure out when I started to see and know about these mirrors, I would have to do back to my teens... maybe even preteens.

But I digress.

So, this morning, I realized that my weight, in its overabundance for my frame, has been perfect.  It has perfectly served the multiple purposes for which I initially added it and for which I have gone out of my way to keep it.  It has probably functioned as innumerable mirrors for me, but the one I'm thinking of and trying to focus on in this post is the Sixth Essene Mirros of Relationship or The Dark Knight of the Soul.
You see, I have long heard (and even experienced, at times) the truth that my body seeks balance and health - even where weight is concerned.  Another way of stating this is to say, as Gregg Braden does in the YouTube, that nature seeks and maintains balance and it is only taken out of balance by masterful effort.  As masters, which he considers all of us to be, we are able to take any number of parts of nature out of balance (like me with my weight).

I haven't spent a great deal of time contemplating why I initially took my physical body out of balance by adding an overabundance of weight.  I'm going to make a quick guess that it might have something to do with a doorway in my memory of childhood that I cannot see or go into at this time in my life.

But I digress yet again.

I guess it's sort of difficult for me to get this realization out with plans to post it to my blog because it does not readily and obviously jive with the kind of who I want to be... who I am striving to be.  This epiphany about my own thoughts and feelings is not pretty and it doesn't even line-up with who I work so hard to be as a Christian and especially not an endowed member of the LDS Church.  Yet I feel compelled to share this realization.  Surely there are many purposes for sharing it, but the one I can think of most specifically and clearly is that maybe someone else can see themselves in my truth... and that by so seeing, they might be able to make a change and by changing improve themselves and the whole.
Okay, so... the fat... it's a protection.  This may be true for most of us who encircle ourselves with extra bunches of padded fluff covered over by skin.  The KIND of protection we seek, though, has as many origin points as we fluffy folk have faces.  I'm not going back to origin.  I'm focusing on now and my recent past.  I've lost weight before, AND maintained it for a while.  But each time I've gotten into what I think might be a safe relationship, I've gained weight again.

Why is THAT?  Yes, I'm getting to it.
My relationship with my husband has now been almost 12 years long.  Not long by some measures, but 12 times longer than any of my prior to him relationships.  I gained some weight before we were married.  Then, I gained a LOT more after the birth of our first child.  Then some more after the birth of our second child.  (Yes, the irony of weight gain AFTER giving birth is NOT lost on me.)  A while after our third child arrived, I lost 30-some pounds.  And then, during pregnancy #4 I gained it all back and then some.  Since the birth of our #4 child, I have lost some, gained it back, lost some, gained it back... I've been losing lately, but not lots.
Each time I shed some weight, I have certain thoughts.  And there are certain people who react to me and treat me rather differently.  One of those many people with different reactions to me is my husband.

Basically, I have come to realize that the largest and most important of the numerous reasons I have surrounded my tabernacle of clay with extra clay is that I fear myself.  I fear how I will react to overmuch attention from, especially, those of the opposite gender.  I suppose many people enjoy to be admired and appreciated by others.  And that in itself is not necessarily detrimentally destructive.  I think this must be so.  I rather hope I'm not alone in enjoying a bit of admiration now and again.  But the problem is tha I enjoy it overmuch, me thinks. This is the crux of my Sixth Essene Mirror of Relationship.  And so, I fluff my house so that the majority will not find it so appealing.... and thus I remain safe from having to fear, find, face or otherwise work through  my own reaction to any potentially possible appreciation.

You might not think it to see me, but I used to be a cute chick.  Especially as a size 10.  And what I lacked in beauty, my good humor (sometimes?), wit, and charm made up for, I've been told.

It's interesting how much less impactful my newfound personal understanding strikes me when put it fully into words!

But though it may be small and rather insignificant to others, it is huge for me in my world.  You see, chastity and virtue, loyalty and fidelity (especially to my husband), and honestly and trustworthiness  are tremendously huge among my self-established goal set.  And to be worried, concerned, or in any way anxious about how anyone other than my God and husband would perceive this shell that holds my spirit... well, it's basically one of the worst things I could do.  As Jesus Christ told us, though not in these words, if by thought we commit sin, we have committed that sin.

So, I've made my shell super soft and generally unappealing to most other shelled souls... especially the oppositely gendered.  To keep myself safe, don't you see?  So, I wouldn't have to deal with a potential dificult that could more easily arise from being as attractive (to whatever degree) as I might be if I was not so adorned.  And so I have cloaked myself because I mistrust me.  Do you see it?  Have you done it?

Then there is the part of my creating these folds of flab to deter others' admiration which has always been conscious to me, but which I find/realize now is far inferior among the reasons I've had for keeping myself fat: I didn't want others to like me for my physical appearance.  This is, truthfully, among the reasons I've kept myself chubbly.  It's just not nearly as important and change impeding  (shedding weight) as the one I have just confessed above.

And it just make so SO so much sense!  Putting this relatization alonside my understanding of toward versus away from motivation.  It just makes so much sense!  I didn't realize that no matter how 'toward' motivated I thought I was, I was really only able to move 'away from' this deeper fear and concern before I would lose motivation because I'd gotten 'just far enough' to #1 not feel comfortable/safe any more and #2 have no further reason for motivation to lose weight.

So, what does this all mean?  Am I now going to shed pounds until my physical form reaches it's natural balance?

Well, I have to tell you, I just don't know.  I don't know if I'm ready to allow it.  I think I am.  I hope so.  But, I guess, only time will tell.  I have lost more than 2 pounds this week....

I will tell you that when I was young, I always had this feeling of absolute KNOWING that one day, when I was significantly older than I was at the time, I would shed all the extra weight and it would permanently stay off without monumental effort on my part.  I do believe the epiphany I have shared above will ultimately bring this truth to fruition... sooner or later.  It's a little exciting and a little scarry to consider it.

Should you learn (or have already learned) about these mirrors, I always enjoy a good story.  If you'd like to share any of your realizations, I'm up for it.  :)

Seven Essene Mirrors

The Seven Essene Mirrors explained by Gregg Braden.  I've almost transcribed the YouTube at the bottom.  I often find it easier to read than watch things.  If you're interested in watching it, it is embedded below.

Each moment of our life, the reality of our internal truth (what we have become) is mirrored to us by the actions, the choices, and the language of those around us.

The First and Second Essene Mirrors of Relationships

First mirror: shows my presence in the moment... what we reflect by others in the moment.  What we are radiating in the moment.

Second mirror, similar quality, but more subtle: mirrors to us that which we judge in the moment.

When I find that many people show me the same pattern of anger or fear... they may be showing me my internal truth in the moment.

Multiple new relationships appear within the same month: PAY ATTENTION.  There is something to learn.

Look at the people you hold most dear.  Look at the qualities that push your buttons most.  Are they showing you what you are in the moment?  Or are they showing you what you judge in the moment?

Understanding the Inner Technology of Emotion
The Third and Fourth Essene Mirrors

Third Essene mystery/mirror of relationship: the mirror we sense every time we find ourselves in the presence of a person who, when we look in their eyes you feel an electrical charge.

Through the course of our lives we give away or lose parts of ourselves.  When we find ourselves in the presence of another inidividual who embodies what we have lost, we will feel it as a magnetic connection to that person.  Ask: what is it I see in this person what I have lost or I've given away or was taken from me?

We will seek to reinforce that which we have lost, given away or had taken away.

Fourth Essene mystery/mirror of relationship: Has a little bit of a different quality.  Through the course of our lives often we will adopt patterns of behavior that become so important to us that we will rearrange the rest of our lives to accomodate this pattern or behavior.  When we find ourselves in this situation, we find that these patterns may be compulsive or addictive patterns of behavior.  The fourth mystery allows us to see ourselves in the presence of addiction or compulsion.  Through addiction and compulsion, we give away little by little the things that are most important to us.  And in the giving away, we have the opportunity to see ourselves as we lose the things we hold most dear.

Alcohol or nicotine may come to mind.  Issues of control.  Addiciton to sex.  Need for money/create money/abundance - all addiction/compulsion behaviors.

The pattern unfolds gradually unfolds over time.  We give away what is most important to us over time.  We may recognize the pattern at any time and heal, at any time.  Rather than taking it to its extreme.  And find our wholeness in the healing.

The Fifth Essene Mirror:  Perhaps single most powerful pattern.  Can see more and to a greater level why we've lived the lives we live.  It is the mirror that our parents showed to us through the course of our childhood/lives with them.  Through this mirror we are asked to allow for the possibility, to entertain the possibility that perhaps the actions of our parents toward us are mirroring our beliefs and expectations of what may be the most sacred relationship we'll ever know in our lifetime: relationship between us and our Heavenly Mother and Father.  It is through this relationship with our earthly parents that our parents are showing us ourselves in that expectation and beliefs of that divine relationship.  For example: if we find ourselves in a relationship with our parents where we feel judged, constantly.  Or that we feel that our best is never good enough.  There is a high probability that what is being mirrored is our belief within ourselves that we may not be good enough.  Or that we may not have accomplished that which may have been expected of us.

Through our perceptions of ourselves and our creator.  It’s a powerful and subtle mirror.  And it may tell us more about why we’ve lived our lives as we have than any other.

There are few absolutes.  There are often exceptions.  If you feel something inside of you welling up that says NO WAY, you’ve likely encountered something that could be really powerful.  The only way you’ll have a response is when you are being shown something that is so deep you may have chosen to avert looking at it in the past.

There is a good possibility that the words (positive and negative) you have used to describe your parents have very little to with those you call Mom and Dad.  With those words, you are describing a mirror.  This is the mirror your parents have held to you of the most sacred relationship you will experience.  The way you see your Mother and Father (the words you use) of this world is a mirror of your expectations of the relationship you have with your Heavenly Mother and Father.  There are many ways to look at this.  Is it possible that inviting you to this world lives an unspoken responsibility that those who raise us are surrogates, they are the closest thing we know in our Heavenly Creator.  They have impeccably held to you the way you see your relationship with your Heavenly Parents.

When you perceived your parents anger, you felt what your creator felt.

This mirror may show you your beliefs, your expectations of what your creator feels for and about you.

Sentence: What would you say to your parents if you had only one minute left?  What would you like to hear from your parents in the last minute of your life?

Through our earth life, we have the opportunity to heal our relationships with both earthly parents and Heavenly Parents by recognizing what the mirror is trying to show us, so to release it.

Both the positive and negative attributes of our earthly parents mirror to us of how we perceive our Heavenly Parents.

The Sixth Essene Mirror: ominous name: dark night of the soul

We are reminded that life has a propensity toward balance, nature has propensity toward balance.  It takes an extremely skillful and masterful being to upset the balance in nature and to upset the balance in our lives.  When we find ourselves in the greatest challenges of life, it in those moments that we may be assured that the only way those challenges are possible is after we have amassed each tool that will allow us to move through that challenge with grace and with ease… until those tools are amassed, we will never see ourselves in the situations that ask us to demonstrate these high levels of mastery.

From this perspective, the greatest challenges of life, may be viewed as tremendous opportunities to demonstrate mastery, rather than tests that may be passed or failed in life.  It is through this mirror that we see ourselves naked, without the emotion and feeling and thought and constructs around us that we have constructed around us to keep us safe.  We have the opportunity to see ourselves in a naked way and to prove to ourselves that the process of life may be trusted.

This mirror is an opportunity to lose everything we’ve held dear in life and see ourselves naked.  As we climb out of the abyss that is left after the loss of everything we held dear, and we see ourselves in a new way; this is where we find our highest levels of master.


From the ancient perspectives, possibility that the forces at play in our polarized world have chosen to come here to anchor.  The only way to anchor, is for a force or field to hold the mirrors for us.  Pre-twelfth century texts show benign beings Gabriel and Lucifer volunteering to anchor light and dark respectively.

Dream fire ceremony: gaze into the flame, at the space between the flame and the rest of the flame… it allows us to relax and move into an altered state of awareness, sometimes without knowing it.

Your body mirrors your belief.  Illness is only possible if you believe that the forces of light and dark are separate.  If we know that dark and light both originate in our creator, we will not fear.

As you heal each memory (a single memory) you heal the universal fears (3).

  1. Fear of not being good enough.
  2. Fear of trusting and surrendering.
  3. Fear of abandonment and separation.
The science of compassion is an even great possibility.

The Seventh Essene Mirror: Most subtle.  It asks us to allow for the possibility, that each experience of life, regardless of its outcome, is perfect in its nature.  Regardless of whether or not we achieve the lofty goals that have been set by others, we are invited to view our accomplishments in life without comparing them to anything else, without any external reference.  The only way we can view ourselves in failure or success is when we measure our accomplishments to an external yardstick.  The question then arises, what is it that we hold ourselves accountable to?  What do we use as our yardstick of accomplishment?    From the perspective of this mirror, we are asked to allow for the possibility that all aspects of our lives (each aspect of our personal life: body shape, body weight, academic, business, athletic achievements) are perfect as they stand.  And can only be judged when they are compared to an external reference.

Allow for perfection in the imperfections of life.  What standard are we holding ourselves to which cause us to feel unhappy?

How do I know when I have succeeded or failed at something in life?

My Notes For Me
If I am giving you the best that I can, until I compare myself to someone else, I am ‘perfect.’  (Perfect in that 100% is 100%, not perfect as is Christ.)

Power of thought, feeling and emotion will make us more than Christ (as He predicted).

Essene’s remind us that we will go through each of these mirrors through this life.  Sometimes multiple times and sometimes multiple mirrors at a time.

We are invited to know ourselves in the presence of others through our relationships.  As those relationships are reconciled, we become the benefit of that healing.  It is that benefit that we carry with us through life as we walk between the worlds of heaven and earth.

Jesus Christ and how He chose to respond to a woman with whom he worked.

Two questions Jesus asked before He healed as conveyed in the Bible: Do you believe in me?  Do you believe in my Father?  Response: yes or no.  Then: What have you learned in your illness?

Woman born with leprosy.  She was angry at her disease.  She responded that she had learned nothing.  She said she was so hideous she’d never had a friend, never known a man, all cower from me.  Christ responded, “If you have learned nothing, then die and come to know yourself through death.”  He loved her that much.

Compassion may be defined as:

Thought without attachment to the outcome.
Feeling without distortion.
Emotion without charge.

Anger is in polarity.  Denial, not allowing feeling.  Allow feeling opens path to compassion.  If you feel nothing when you learn of something horrible, it’s possible that you are in denial.  If you want to get even or make someone pay, you are allowing yourself to feel.  If you can say to yourself, I miss those people and this didn’t have to happen and there’s a sense that there is a balance in the event, then you may be on the way to compassion.

Our Father’s Prayer: Aramaic: Our Father who is everywhere.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Darkness to Light

As a result of numerous of my own experiences, I have been pondering much on the ideas of "trial" and "blessing" and how one pretty much always leads to the other and back.  For the most part, this is a result of the nature of existence... and not just that of humans.

Even God lives in a cycle.  It is described scripturally as, "One eternal round," sounds like a cycle to me.  It is also a verbal represenation of the mathematical theory or truth that an infinite straight line is never from one point to another, per se, but actually some variant of a circle... round.... eternally so.

Although I've realized this particular truth I'm trying to get to before, I've never felt the chrystal clarity of my current understanding.  I know I will not be able to convey it, but I want to share what I can, at least.

We all must plod through the muck before we get to see our lovely growing field.  We must pass through the darkness (or, at least, absence of the sun) in a tunnel to get to the other side of it.  Arguably there is another way to get to the other side of a mountain.  But whether you choose the through or the over, you're going to encounter one form of difficulty or another.  We must work hard as heck (and for all too many experience great pain) before we get to hold our sweet newborn baby in our arms.  We must endure the growing pains (or aches or whatever lesser version of discomfort some may be blessed to have) to get to an improved marriage.  The darkness turns to light.  Darkness, even the deepest portion of the darkness of the night, preceeds the dawning of a new day.

It takes courage (which is sometimes completely absent in our human hearts) to see past the darkest points.  It takes foresight... even the spirit of prophecy and, often enough, the spiritual gift of revelation to stick through the scarriest and most difficult periods to get to the times of rejoicing and enjoyment.

Friday, July 20th, I was pondering on this subject as we joined together for our evening devotional.  During one of our readings (on the history of the church), I realized some historical and scriptural supports for this idea I've had.  (Yes, I know it's not new.  Yes, I know it's actually a principle of the Gospel.  I'm simply sharing a part of my own personal spiritual growth in understanding, is all.)

Wanna know what I've considered thus far?

First, of course, must come Jesus Christ because He is our exemplar in all things.  He is the IT of examples.  While there are innumerable examples within the New Testament that bear witness to the truth I'm coming to understand more fully (that we must endure the darkness to get to the light), I'm going to focus on the pinnacle of all of them:  The Garden of Gethsemane and His death by crucifixion (the previous 4 words are three different links, by the way) must surely be the darkest of darks.  Right?  Thankfully He DID have the insight and ability to remain focused on the purpose of it all because He brought about the Light of the Resurrection.  He became the first fruits of them that slept.  And so, darkness to light!

In the history of my Church, and because reading about it is how I came to this slightly deeper understanding of this truth, we have Joseph Smith.  Again, there are numerous examples from his life that one could look to and see the truth of darkness to light played out.  But my focus is on the most important of them all.  The first.  He was a boy only 14, almost 15.  He prayed because he believed James in the New Testament.  And, for those who know the story, you know what he saw.  But did you know of what came just preceeding his most amazing (and, to many, questionable) experience?  He was almost overcome by the devil himself.  True.  This is what Joseph Smith conveyed.  He said it best:

"After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.

"But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction—not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being—just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

"It no sooner appeared than I found myself delivered from the enemy which held me bound. When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!"

So, Joseph Smith, Jr. first had to struggle through the darkness to get to the Light.  Fits, right?

I'm sure there are so many more examples I could find both scripturally and historically (in the church and otherwise) than this.  And I may just try.  But for now, this suffices me.  Perhaps there will be other posts along this theme.  That could be fun!  ^_^

An awesome example of sort of current information, I'm including a YouTube that represents this principle nicely.  For your Viewing Pleasure, I present: Jason Padgett:

 An even more current story that demonstrated darkness to light.


Thankful Thursday: week of July 19-25, 2012

I'm thankful for opportunities to learn and grow and become better.  I'm not necessarily GETTING better, but I sure am thankful for the opportunities that provide for the possibility!

I'm grateful for the challenge of difficult conversations.

I'm grateful for opportunities to let go, let God.

I'm thankful for the always there challenge of giving thanks in ALL things!  I'm still struggling severely with this one, but I want to truly learn the lesson.  I desire to learn this lesson.  I'm thankful for darkness that turns to light!

I'm thankful for a conversation that helped me to know how much more complete my emotional healing over the premature end of this last pregnancy truly is.

I'm thankful for the necessity of taking the kiddos out of the house on my own on Tuesday because I was able to see how nicely my body is healing up, too!  YEAY!


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

On Being Disbelieved

It's just a small annoyance, really.  A blip on the radar, compared to lots of bigger and more troubling things that have occurred in my life.  But, unfortunately, like on a radar, the blip keeps popping up every time that sweeping arm circles 'round again.  And so I wonder, "Why is it that my intelligence is so frequently quesitoned/tested by males with whom I interact (real life/FB/doesn't matter)?  Why is what I say/write so often disregarded or disbelieved by males with whom I have contact?"

Please do not mistake me.  I am not the smartest girl in the world... blog-o-sphere... block... in my church group... circle of friends... whatever.  I know it.  I'm totally okay with this truth.  Honestly, the other day I was thinking about a lady I admire who is MUCH smarter and generally intelligent than me and I just kept thinking how wonderful it was to feel such a desire to emulate her and become smarter than I am now.

When individuals who tend to be male seem to believe that I haven't got a bit of sense in my head... well, it's pretty annoying.  It's just annoying to me.  Would that annoy you in any way, shape, or form... ever?
 "Why in the world would I think such a thing?"  I can practically hear you wonder this question as you read.

Well,  I'm glad you asked, cause I wanted to explain that a little.

I'll start with my good man, my husband.  Obviously I love him.  He IS a REALLY good man.  And he says he knows I'm smart.  That's one of the reasons he loves me, from what he says.  However, when I learn things... things that are contrary to the mainstream way of doing or thinking, especially... he discounts the value of the new information I have learned because... why?  Because I, tori, share it with him.

"Why would I think THAT?"

Well, because he fights me on decisions which impact our family which I have made about these unpopular (often generally unkown bits of information), which I have gained as a result of personal research and witnesses of the Holy Spirit until...

wait for it...

Until he hears the same thing from another male... whether a friend, aquaintance, voice on a podcast... doesn't really matter.  He finally believes me when he hears the same thing from another male.
How freakin' frustrating is that?  I mean, would you feel frustrated by that behavior from your man?  Well, it's frustrating to me.  Seriously.
And this has now been going on for, at least, the last 5 years.  Honestly, it's been going on since we got married and maybe even before, but MUCH more pronouncedly since I began to learn greater amounts of "alternative" information with greater frequency.
But it's not just him.  If it was limited to my husband, well... I guess I could understand because of issues from his childhood and the whole man-want-dominance-thing.  But it's not.

I guess, though, that last sort of phrase with the hyphens could explain a good bit of the problem across the board, eh?

I shared some info with a couple/few brothers of mine (literal brother from the same Mother) and they didn't believe a bit of it.  When they found similar information online and then dug a bit and found lots more of it they changed their minds.  But they didn't believe me.  And my Dad is in the mix, too.

Okay, so family... well, they know me too well, so I could just explain it away with that.

But no.  It's not just male family members.  (Yes, some female family members just don't believe me, either.  But it's pretty much across the board with the guys.)

I make Public posts on Facebook.  Some on purpose, some because I forget to change the little thingy at the top (or is it the bottom) to Friends only.  And there is one fella with whom I've now had two experiences.  And having two is pretty important because they played out REALLY differently for a rather exasperating (to me) reason.

The first experience: I shared something that is a non-mainstream perspective.  I have researched it and believe strongly that the mainstream perspective is kinked.  It's been spun so much that there are knots in it that cannot be unknotted.  Anyway... this fella commented on my post.  So, I commented back with further information.  He commented back in such a way that I knew this guy wasn't going to back down and was already basically saying I didn't know what I was talking about.  So, I didn't respond again.  He's going to believe what he believes both about the subject and me.  I can't (and don't want to try) to change his opinion because I don't need or want the excitement (aka: drama).  I increasingly feel a GREAT distaste for conflict and arguement.
Next time I posted something similar (non-mainstream perspective)... This time I was simply not going to respond to his comment (which seemed to me to be another push to try to engage me in reparte which would lead to nothing because he wouldn't change his perspective because of ME).  This first comment of his looked like the first comment on the other post... relatively non-confrontational.  But I have used up my patience for other people trying (or seeming to try) to convince me that I don't really know what I'm talking about.  As it happened, Jessie was home and looking at my FB and I shared my annoyance with him.  Then, I offhandedly asked if he wanted to comment on my post.  So, he went into his FB and commented.  Wanna know what happened?


Yep.  That's right.  That fella who pressed me in a testing/disbelieving sort of way after my response to him in the first instance, totally backed down when Jessie responded to him.  He made some comment about how he lived in Cananda (so he wouldn't know about that subject because it was USA contained).  WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

I actually really put a great deal of thought and effort (read: pondering and prayer) into the things I believe and position I take on every subject on which I have a position.  I don't just go willy-nilly grasping onto ideas that are different just for the sake of thier difference.  I know there are those who believe this of me.  I've had this very accusation verbally flung at me face-to-face, as a matter-of-fact.  Not a pleasant experience, I can guarantee you.  Very painful, actually.  I've never been shot, but I have accidentally cut myself pretty deeply... and the pain is almost exactly like that!

Whoever originally came up with the foolish little childhood ditty:  "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me," obviously never experienced attacking words flung at them from a loved one.  Cause you know, this can easily be true of words flung at us from those we are not wide open to (wide open referring to our hearts and energetic systems).  Anyway...
My question at the outset remains: why is it that the men in my life... family and not... seem to think information from my mouth is not worth much?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Homeschool Training and Support

A comment on a previos post, which was super briefly about homeschooling, suggested that if there was a support and training system in place for homeschooling parents, more would do it.  The implication I read (mostly because I kinda know the commentor) was that if the state had some trainging and support systems in place, more would homeschool.

There are such things in places like California.  And, from what I've heard they work.  Sort of.  I don't know much about the system and I haven't researched it and will not take the time to do so unless I feel it pressingly important.  However, what little I know leads me to believe that providing such creates a new kind of dependence.

The kind of dependence created is rather antethema to some of what makes homeschooling so valuable to the community as a whole.  Part of the reason (not all of it, of course) that homeschooling is so great IS the difficulty of it.  Granted, putting my children away from me for the greater part of the day and entrusting them into another's care would be far more difficult for ME than what I do as a homeschooling Mama.  But what I do is too difficult for the majority of parents who send their children to public school, thus they send them to public school.

Additionally, creating a training and support system through the State simply creates a school at home situation.  There is a difference, ya know, between school at home and homeschool.   Homeschooling is less about recreating the school environment at home and more about teaching our children through life, in non-threatening ways, and in ways that are tailor-made for each of our child-students.

Finally, I desire to point out that "training" outlets and "support systems" are already in place.  The difference between a State providing such and the way it already exists is that the individual who desires to homeschool their child or children must research and learn and find the training and support systems which currently exist.  Whereas, if a State provided training and support structure became standard, the very nature of homeschooling as it is today would change in a big way for the majority of homeschoolers... at least the new ones.  Some folks, including the person who made the comment to which I am sort of responding, would consider this a good thing.  However, for those like me... who are actually DOing the homeschooling and like and appreciate the way it is now, well... we just don't.

So, I hope the California model will stay right where it is in California.  I hope also that the Florida virtual schools will remain rather obscure.  And finally, I hope that homeschooling continues to be about seperating oneself and one's family from the support structure of the government because if it changes from what it is (in that regard), our whole country will lose a source (small though it may be) of a different kind of strength.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Meditation Monday

Monday, July 16 Day 15 of CAM  ti, nr (4m), mfa (5m), kk (31m), cam (5m), ch (4m), to. Total about: 51 minutes.

Tingles in my hands and arms especially during cam.

July 17 Day 16 of CAM   ti, nr (4m), mfa (5m), kk (31m), cam (5m), ch (8m), to. Total about: 55 minutes.

The most interesting aspect o f meditation today was when the tingling set in... during calm heart. I guess I didn't have a long enough rest between cam and ch. :)

I think I may change my format of this posting each week from the daily update/journal to a comment on any highlights from the preceeding week. :)

July 18 Day 17 of CAM  ti, mfa (5m), kk (31m), cam (5m), ch (6m), to.  Total about: 49 minutes.

Felt tingling in hands and arm at the very end.  Also big fullness in my hands.  Very interesting feeling.

July 19 Day 18 of CAM ti, mfa (3m), kk (7m), cam (3m), ch (5m), to.  Total about: 20 minutes.

Felt amazing tightness in my upper arms after cam even though I only did 3 minutes.  One thing that's nice and, for me, good about doing a shorter meditation period like today, is that I get to feel the improvements in my endurance.  Three minutes of meditation for addiction and conquering anger meditation used to feel like it was killing me.  Not so this time.  CAM was still difficult, but not nearly so much as it was in the beginning.  YEAY for improvements!  ^_^

July 20 Day 19 of CAM  ti, mfa (3m), kk (7m), cam (3m), ch (5m), to. Total about: 20 minutes.

Definitely getting stronger.  Nothing special to report for today.

July 21 Day 20 of CAM  ti, mfa (5m), kk (31m), (4 minutes of silence) cam 5(m), ch (5m), to. Total about:  52 minutes.

It's amazing how much difference some fatigue makes.  At least, I think that's what my experience is about.  Maybe it's just useful to have a couple days, now and then, to reduce the meditation time.  'Cause I have to tell you, each of the meditations just absolutely flew by today!  Even the mfa and cam, which are the physically intense ones for me.  For mfa, I didn't even check the time until it'd been 4 minutes.  And cam I checked when I was almost completely done.  neat stuff!

Sunday, July 22 Day 21 of CAM  ti, mfa (3m), kk (13m), cam (3m), ch (5m), to. Total about:  26 minutes.

Felt good to meditated right after waking up, but didn't experience anything 'reportable.'  :)

CHECK HERE for the YouTubes from which I learned these meditations.

t-i = tune-in
nr = neck roll
mfa = meditation for addiction
kk = kirtan kriya
cam = conquering anger meditation
ch = calm heart meditation
t-o = tune-out

Thankful Thursday: Week of July 12 - 18. 2012

On Monday because I forgot on Thursday.  BLAH!  my brain = mush  ;)

I'm thankful for the opportunity to help others.

I'm also thankful for the illness we've encountered in our family.  I have been striving to learn how to give thanks in all things, I've never been truly able to be grateful for illness.  But I do feel grateful this time.  Not because I'm glad my kiddos are sick, really, but because this illness highlights the long-ish run of health we enjoyed.  What a gift to realize how good we had it and will yet have it again!  ^_^

I'm a Niche

I'm a niche kind of person.
You either have a place
for me in your heart
and life.
Or not.

Because of who I am
and how I am
and the things I say
and some things I do...
you either love me
or hate me.
A bit like a powerful
piece of art?

I'm not pretty, by majority's standards.
Fluffy white with brown hair... not fluff... really fat...
encircles me round about and protects me.

I'm definitely a niche
sort of person.
Take me
or leave me.
I'm me.

Responding to the prompt at: One Single Impression


Called Abhorrent*

The heart barely beats
then skips two or three to stop.
Then races, for sorrow.

*ab-hor-rent: /abˈhôrənt/
Adjective: Inspiring disgust and loathing; repugnant.
Synonyms: loathsome, odious, detestable, abominable, loathful

Inspired by the theme word MEANING at

Sunday, July 22, 2012


I am grateful for those companies who do the difficult thing.  When I worked for Chick-Fil-A... oh, a couple decades ago, one of my bosses (not the owner) kept trying to push the owner to open on Sundays because of all the potential business he/they missed by being closed.  I was and am thankful, both the owner (back then) and the company (now) stuck/stick to their convictions.

This determination to abide the Law of God (to keep the Sabbath day Holy unto the Lord) does not indicate any hatred in those who keep it of those who choose to do otherwise.  It does not mean that those who choose to keep this commandment think they are better than those who do not.  Yes, I do realize there are those who are sanctimonious and prideful among Christians.  There even are many of such folks who believe they are good Christians.  I believe they really are trying to be.  I definitely realize this about Christians as I was among the "camp" of "Christian."  I used to feel great pride in my righteousness.  I was sure I was better than ___ because they ____ed.  Was.

I still struggle with all kinds of sin, my friend.  Don't get me wrong.  WAS does not refer to my sinfulness.  I still struggle in WAY more ways than I like.  But when the idea to judge comes to my mind, I immediately think of my own sin and KNOW I cannot walk any farther down that mental road (judgement).  I know that whatever I think I know of the other person and their "sin" is only an infinitismally small portion of their whole story!  And in my perspective on existence, it's even smaller than what most people would think because I believe we have a story that stretches back before we were born into our tabernacle of clay... and then some!!!!

Our Father in Heaven has changed me (and continues to change me!) by teaching me my own failings.  He has shown me and daily shows me my sin.  And though I am still a sinner, I praise God daily that He has seen fit to make me better than I used to be and continues to make improvements in me.  Please do not confuse this with pride in myself.  I know it's not about me.  It's about what God can and does do with and in me.  I know the only good in and about me is what is because of Christ.

Given my own life and the changes God has brought about in me and continues to make in and about me, I know that not all Christians are sanctimonious or think they are better than others just because they may be Zealous for Christ.  Zeal does not automatically mean those who feel it think they are better than anyone else.  I promise.  Most people who know me would consider me zealous for Christ, but if they know me to any degree or depth, they would also tell you that while I recognize my worth as a soul is great to God, I don't think I'm any more than anyone else.  In fact, I know I am not.  Because I am almost daily learning more completely the truth that we are all the same and always different.  But we're the SAME!! 

Zeal also does not mean that those who are zealous automatically hate any group of people who choose overt sinful behavior over striving to live in accordance to God's Laws.  Cause let's face it, we're ALL sin... we just sin differently.  And some sinners are actively trying to, through the merits of Christ, overcome the sin that doth so easily beset them (us... I hope I'm part of that group).

For me, as I feel zealous for Christ, I feel love for everyone!  I cannot fathom hatred.  Unfortunately, I do decend into moments in which I can fathom it.  But that's because I'm imperfect like the rest of everyone.  Isn't that comforting?  Not a one of us is perfect!  YEAY!  Back to my point... in my zeal for Christ, I desire to accept those I meet (and REALLY try with those I know) right where they are... and love them where they are.  I strive to, because of my zeal, express love and demonstrate it by acceptance, compassion, and service.  I am not perefect in this effort.  God knows.  But He also knows I really am striving and working and hoping I can accept Him ever more fully to BE like Christ in these ways and more.

Recognition of sin does not mean the person who recognizes it is judging the person who commits it.  Judgement implies sentencing said "sinner" (whether literally or in the "judge's" own mind) to the reward of their choices, which we know, of course, none of us mere mortals can or will ever be able to do... nor, should we desire to have such authority.  But I digress.

It's just that I've just been thinking quite a lot today about homosexuality, marriage, businesses, and so forth.  These thoughts arise as a result of Facebook postings all about the announcement that Chick-Fil-A does not support equal marriage for homosexuals.  I am grateful for Chick-Fil-A's courage in coming forth.  They risk and will surely experience the loss of much business due to this declaration.

One thing I find so very disturbing and disheartening is the way that those who disagree with this position communicate about their disagreement.  No, not all of the pro-Marriage Equality ("me") folks are unkind.  Of course not ALL are.  But I feel a great deal of hostility in comments from these folks.  Yes, there is hostility in some of the Chick-Fil-A supporters (supporters of God instituted marriage).  But I truly feel the majority of the hostility from the pro-"me" folks.  I read more accusations of hate and anger from them.  They accuse those like me of bigotry, of refusing others their Civil Rights, or hating homosexuals, of homophobia... I could go on with the accusations they make against me and people like me.

How is it that declaring my position (or a business doing so) automatically makes them homophobic?  How is it that stating my beliefs in support of God instituted marriage automatically makes me a hater of homosexuals?  And since when is getting married a Civil Right?  Is it?  I mean, if it was, shouldn't that mean that I don't have to pay to do it?  Maybe that's naive.  Well, I never said I was world-wise.

The thing is, I do not hate anyone I can think of right now.  I could.  I'm sure, by many people's standards, I have plenty of reasons to hate any number of people.  But I don't.  Because I've learned a principle that is true across the board: hate hurts me more than anyone else.  Why harbor it and allow myself to feel it?  I don't want to hurt anyone else either... but I'm certainly tired of and done with hurting myself (most of the time, at least).  Honestly, the one and only person I struggle with truly hating is... tori... that's me, folks.  And that's the God's honest truth.

Now, I do realize that there are those among humans who strive to live as Christians who do feel homophobia, who do dislike to the point of hatred those who practice that lifestyle, and who are bigots.  But there are those like me, who really only state our own beliefs and hope that the Laws of the land are not altered in such a way that our freedom to practice our religion is impinged upon...  and this is called being a bigot?  I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.

I'm not saying that homosexuals cannot live as they choose.  I'm not saying they cannot live together.  I even think there could be (even should be) some legal way for their unions to be recognized.  And, really, isn't that more reasonable anyway?  I mean, being together as homosexuals is not the same as being together as heterosexuals.  It's just not the same thing as marriage between a man and a woman(the kind that has been since forever).  Wouldn't it be more reasonable for homosexual unions to be called something different because they ARE something different?  But this is not acceptable to the homosexual community.  And why not?  I honestly don't understand why.

Just because I state my beliefs and stand by the Word of God and strive to uphold His Will and Ways does not mean I lack compassion for those who live differently than me.  It does not mean that I am intolerant of their creed, belief or opinion.  A bigot is intolerant of those things.  Just because I want the institution of marriage preserved does not mean I desire to force my perspective on another.  In fact, I think it's more reasonable that homosexual unions have a different name with legal protections in place, like marriage... but the different name for the different practice.  You see?  I definitely don't hate any homosexuals... as I mentioned before, the only person I struggle with feelings of hatred toward is me.

To tell you a little more about what I think... since this is, afterall, my blog... ^_^  I truly believe that 99.9% of homosexuals are born that way.  I actually have some theories about why God would allow such a trial (especially in the world in which we live) to overshadow those who have homosexual tendancies from birth.

We all know, if we know the Bible even only a little, that the difficulties in our lives are our crosses - and to follow Christ we must pick up our cross.  For if we try to follow Him without it, He will never accept us.  And anyone (especially if you are straight) who would argue that they bring it on themselves by choosing to live the way they live... well, in a way you're right.  But they didn't choose to BE gay or lesbian or anything similarly difficult.

I'm sure I could go on... but I won't.  "And that's what I have to say about that."

Additional reading:
One way someone has written about CFA declaration to support God Instituted Marriage.
Have you heard of Club Unicorn?  If not, you simply must find out about it on THIS blog.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Put Neotame on Your Radar

Good grief!
And did you know that the labels of food only have to list items that are 5% or more of the content of the product.  DISTURBING!  This is the kind of thing Prophets (like Spencer W. Kimball and Ezra Taft Benson*) of my Church have seen for many decades.
*There are Prophets from before 1971 who spoke on this subject, but the online archive goes back to "only" 1971.

A Gush Inspired by Another Blogger

So, July 19, 2012 I was reading a few new blogs as I entered my own blog into some "parties" and felt inspired by many of them.  While reading one particular post, though, I felt an absolute need... urging from the Holy Spirit, to do a little gushing of my own on my blog.

We've had our downs and some good ups.  Lots of downs, unfortunately, have been really recent.  And though I have not shared details, those in my day-to-day life have been all too aware that I have been having a difficult time dealing with whatever it is I've had to deal with (this is prior to the spontaeous abortion).  Anyway, I know I've shared it before, but it's pertinent here because of some of my reasons for this post.

One reason I'm going to share what I share in a moment is because I'm striving to feed the good wolf in me.  I recognize that the evil one will always live, but I'd rather it survive in a state of starvation.  So... here we go!


This post is me gushing about what is good about my man.  He is a good man.  He, too, has duality of wolves within... but I've already openly acknoweldged my imperfection.  I must also accept his and we can move on together in peace after we come to acceptance of our humanity!  ^_^


Our kiddos get to be child of the week.  This is pertinent because while they do look forward to "their week" for all of the perks (like they get to say most of the prayers for the family for the whole week, they get to choose their seat for the week, and if there is something else that arises that is sort of special they might get precedence in the position of "honor" or some such nonsense).  This practice has eliminated untold amounts of bickering in our home and I LOVE that about it!!!  But for all the reasons that they love it, their most favorite... the reason they talk about for days leading up to and the rest of the week after is the fact that "their week" means they get to go on a Daddy Daughter Date.  (Jmy hasn't entered the official calendar yet, but I know the need is growing.)

Jessie takes the children along while he runs errands.  While this might not sound like a wonderful date, the girls LOVE it!  They love shopping in any and all forms (can they be mine??!!) and spending time with Daddy while they get to shop... well, that's just the tippy tippy top of "best of" for them!  ^_^  And Jess makes their time special.  There is a special pad of paper in his car that they get to use to write while they drive.  He gives them his iPod to listen to if they want.  They can chat away if that's what they prefer.  And they LOVE all of it!

I know Jess enjoys this time with our girls.  But I also know that he enjoys time on his own, too... and grocery shopping used to be (before we began these DDDs over 6 months ago) some time he would get to be on his own and not have to be at work.  I'm so unbelievably grateful for the sacrifice of alone time he makes to grant our girls time with him!

Second Gush

I have been rather down a LOT more than normal for me.  While my strength is returning (since the spontaneous abortion), it is slow going.  I'm sure if I'd started out a fit female, I would be fine by now.  But I am what I am... extra fluffy... and some gastro-intestinal problems on top.  So, it is what it is as a result.

Jessie has been super wonderful through the two weeks of bleeding and since then.  He's not fussin' about the clutter.  He's not griping that the rabbits area hasn't been cleaned up.  He IS, for the most part, being very kind and uncomplaining.  And that makes a HUGE difference in my book because I feel baddly enough about not managing things well as my body heals.

And the other day... he took the broom from my hands and began sweeping.  THAT has NEVER happened before!  And what a blessing to me that he did such a thing!  Of course, I got the other broom and set to work elsewhere (twice the hands, half the time at work)... but it was just WONDERFUL to feel his love in such a way!

Third Gush

I won't go in to detail on this one.  But I don't need to.  For, you see, the primary reason for this whole post is for my man to know that I see.  That ICU, JessieWho, is still true.

This special acronym (ICU) means a great deal to me... and, I hope, my fella.  When we were dating, I had an idea (I was not going to church, so it seemed pretty unique and romantic to me) from a Chicken Soup for the Soul book to have a sort of motto for our relationship.  So, I came up with "I Choose You."  The acronym for it: ICU has a double meaning.  First, of course, it is an literal acronym for I Choose You.  But it is also a phrase of meaning in and of iteself.  It also means: "i see(C) you(U)."

This is important.  Because in relationships, we can all too easily either only see our spouse as an extension of ourself (flesh of my flesh) or through tinted 'glasses' that do not reveal who THEY are, but who we think they are because of our own life's experiences... or who we want them to be because of expectations of what marriage means, etc.  "ICU" is a promise we made to keep choosing each other, come what may, AND to work to see each other for who we each are.  This is, of course, in opposition to the seeing him as an extension of who I am or who I would like him to be.

So, Jessie, I see the changes you are working to make.  I see and feel the differences.  I am so grateful.  Keep on keepin' on.  Please.  I will, too.  K?  ICU.  Love, Your Girl Forever.

Love; a River

Always flowing
changing, growing.

This love I feel for you.
Yet forever: true blue.

At inception,
meant for fun.

But then it changed.
Everything re-arranged.

The glacier melted,
by you: smelted.

Rock metal rivers through the wold ran.
Water river: Love, from ice, began.

Metal ahead of us rolled.
Various types, our fave: gold.

Laid the bed on which our love would flow.
And it surely has, don't you know.

That bed, though metal
did not smoothly settle.

So, we've had to battle our way
through many a turbulent day.

But though we may bubble and froth
We do not over-long remain wroth.

As does a real river,
our love grows, always it does deliver.

And when, one day, this mortal life has its end,
our river of love will, into the infinite ocean blend.

Not a drop will be lost.
No matter the cost.

For the infinite mind
is ever so kind.

There we will reside.
Amid the tide.


I'm LINKED and at Raising Homemakers and at Inspire Me Monday!

What You Can't See and Will

Beautifully bowing golden-edged heads
rise up ridiculously tall from their beds.

Some with stalks the diameter of small trees.
Only a few no taller than my knees.

Many rise to the height of the overhang of my roof.
the lovely flowers have brought out many previously aloof!

There is a beauty in them that can make anyone smile.
Perhaps not immediately, but definitely after a while.

They brighten my days
in so many ways.

Surprisingly, to me, they smell wonderfully.
I'd thought they were only good for the eyes previously.

They reach for the sun way up in the sky.
Sunflowers so big they make my heart sigh.

Clouds smattered across a summer blue
beyond the varying shades of transparent green, is a clue.

The sky beyond my sunflowers' leaves.

a close up of sunflower seeds ^_^
and to Macro Monday

Friday, July 20, 2012


I have no interest in going back to college while still bearing children.  Let me rephrase, I have no desire to overburden myself with attemping to do school while also hoping to have more littles come into our family.  I have felt often Led of the Lord to information that was pertinent to my development, both Spiritually and to broaden my horizons and open my eyes.  Yet, I have missed the schedule of assignments and discussions Uni offered... especially in Literature and Art.

Unfortunately, I do not foresee a way I could take another studio art class any time in the near-ish future.

However, I just recently ran across (okay, more likely: Heavenly Father Led me to what I'm sharing with you, to be compeletely honest) a way to take/do college level courses for free.  I'm pretty excited.  Not just for the information and deadlines, but for the discussions... all done from home.  All free.  Oh, and most of them provide a certificate of completion at the end, assuming you qualify and have actually completed the course.

Neat, right?

And did I mention... an "all imporant" aspect for far too many folks out there is that many of the Professors teaching these courses are Profs at prestigious universities like Princeton, Duke, Stanford, UVA, etc.

Did I mention... the classes are free and very few require you to purchase anything for them.

One exception I've run across is a Literature class.  It's inescapeable.  I mean, it's illegal to copy text for free online dispersal if the author is alive or the year in which we live is within 50 years of the author's death.  So, there are a couple books one must purchase or borrow from the library for that class.  Still, it's pretty awesome in my book.  ;)

Wanna know where you can do such a thing?  You can google the title of this post OR click HERE.

Let me know what you think!  Especially if you think it's as neat (or any degree of neat-ness) like me.  ^_^

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Dream Tea and Remembering Dreams

I think dreams are neat.

I don't particularly like the ones after which I feel yuck, but even those have their worth. I'm not sure what the worth is of too many of them, but I'm sure they serve some purpose or other.

Although I know we are told we dream every night, it’s been some times since I regularly remembered my dreams.  I like to remember them.  I feel some sense of accomplishment when I can remember them.  And then there are those that are actual communication from above.  Those, I have to say, are THE coolest.  But if I’m not remembering my dreams, maybe I’m missing out on some of those communications.

Yes, I know my subconscious retains it, but I want to remember it at the front of my mind and have the opportunity to ponder on and consider the dreams.

So, when I was, as far as I knew, still preggie, Jess and I decided to buy some bulk herbs that could help with the pregnancy.  Mountain Rose Herbs is a great company to go with, I think. I've purchased from them before and I have always been pleased with their products.  This was my first bulk herb and tea purchase.  I continue to feel just as pleased as I did with the other products I'd purchased previously.

One tea I bought is supposed to help the drinker remember their dreams.  Thus far, it is DEFINITELY working for me.  I've remembered bits and pieces since the first night I drank it and last night I remembered quite a bit more.

For instance, I remembered that I was single and there were a hand-ful of guys wooing me.  This was particularly pleasant because I have been asking Jessie to do just that... woo me.  It would've been better if HE had been the woo-er.  But the dream was nice, none-the-less.

So, the point?  I highly recommend this tea.  That's all.  Hopefully I'll be an affiliate soon and you can buy through me!  ^_^  I'm not one yet, but I'll let you know if I become one... or look around here and maybe you'll see a button or banner to get to them through me.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Putting Myself Out There

I was recently told, in the form of a suggestion, that maybe I shouldn't put myself (and my business) out so openly because people will interpret what they will and read into what I share as they may.  While I definitely realize this is true, when I encounter repeated instances of people misconstruing what I communicate, when I deal with people twisting my words and making something I said or wrote into something else entirely, well, I think 'that-there' is a good reason for frustration if ever there was one.  I mean, I recently had someone lie directly to my husband (in real life conversation) about something this person said I put on Facebook.  Thankfully my husband actually knew what I HAD written in this case.  And, as a matter-of-fact, in this case the person speaking the lie was speaking a combination of something I had written, my husband had written, and their own interpolation*.

Anyway, this is not only a gripe fest about what other people say that I don't like.  Actually, I'm done with that part.  ;)

My main purpose in writing this itty bitty post is to simply let you know why I put myself out there.  Why in the world do I share as much as I do (though I honestly DO keep a lot to myself)?  Why do I speak candidly about much?  Why I do I put myself out there?

Here it is:

I put myself out there because I have found that life can feel awefully lonely at times.  But in the lonliest of times, I have consistenly been taken to places in this interesting and, dare I say, amazing world-wide-web, where I find someone whose story is a bit like mine.  And I feel a kindred-spirit-ness... and for a few minutes... maybe a few days... I don't feel so alone.

Now, one might say, "You should turn to God to fill that hole."  And I would say, "You are absolutely correct!  And I strive to do just that.  Yet there are moments (and days) when I feel a great urgency and desire to feel like I'm not the only one who ____... just for a little while."

I believe this feeling is not one that I alone feel.  And because of my experiences with being guided or Led to certain items, sources of information, peoples' blogs when I needed what was contained therein, I believe firmly that what I feel a need to share may be used by our Awesome God to help someone else whose story is similar to mine and who desires a few moments of feeling like they aren't alone.  Just like I do.  Because, when it comes right down to it... no matter how different we are, we are ALL the same, too.

*interpolate (the definition I like best, though in this case the falsification was spoken):
#3. To change or falsify (a text) by introducing new or incorrect material.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Meditation Monday: Final 1/4 of My 40 Day Meditation Experiment/Journey/Journal

This post has been moved.  Please read it HERE.

Compliment Given

"Tori has an insight that is un-matched by anyone I know when it comes to the gospel and (the other girl with the same name) puts the FUN in everything she does. How do you choose which one is more awesomer???? It can't be done!"

What a great compliment, right?  I totally thought so!

Just wanted to document in my blog that someone had said such a thing about me!  ^_^

Third 1/4 of My 40 Day Meditation Journey/Journal/Experiment

This post has been moved.  Please read it HERE.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Thankful Thursday: Week of July 5-11, 2012

I am thankful for the awesome temple trip we took on Tuesday!

I am thankful for rainy afternoons that both cool our home and water my gardens (which takes away a 2+ hour job that I enjoy, but have been really tired out by since the physical distress of the spontaneous abortion).

I'm thankful for Jessie's strident efforts to change in relating to me as well as standing up to others (particularly at work, but also with me) when a situation is not acceptable.

a punk, a pumpkin and a peanut

Thankful Thursdays Button


On The Word Deserve

From Webster's Dictionary I found the following on the word DESERVE:

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French deservir, from Latin deservire to devote oneself to, from de- + servire to serve.
transitive verb: to be worthy of: merit; deserves another chance
intransitive verb: to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital deserve

I don't like this word.  Or, at least, I didn't think I liked this word until I really looked at the definition.  Now, I realize I don't love the word, but more than that, I dislike the way people use it (and arguably misuse it).
So, how do people use it that I dislike?  I'm glad you asked because that's what I want to try to verbalize.  I dislike that people use it in conjunction with the idea of fairness.  For example: "She didn't deserve to be treated that way."  I dislike this way of using this word because, well, I dislike the idea of "fairness."  Quite frankly, I don't give a damn about "fair."  I think fairness is foolishness.  Honestly.  I think nothing is fair.  Not in life, not in eternity.  I believe it is Just.  And Just makes FAR more sense than "fair" as far as I'm concerned.
Additionally, I dislike the way people are constantly talking about how so-and-do deserves to be treated better.  Do I wish people in my life would be kinder and more considerate?  Certainly.  However, I do not confuse this wish (and hope) with a belief that I deserve such.  If I did I would be living in a state other than I have been told to expect in the Bible.  I mean, there are numerous references to taking up my cross to follow Christ.  My cross happens to be, in part, formed by some crummy relationships.
Do I deserve the crud of those relationships?  Well, honestly, who on earth knows!?  Maybe I do "deserve" them because I made an agreement in the pre-existence to deal with and overcome the problems in and of them.  Does focusing on how I don't "deserve" it help me deal with it?  Nope.  Not one itty-bitty little bit.  But I do it and that weakness in me is so very frustrating!
When others focus on whether they or I "deserve" something negative, I feel rather perterbed.  I mean, I definitely do not need any help considering negative aspects of things.  My challenge (perhaps most people's challenge?) is to focus on something OTHER than the negative... like acceptance, peace, tolerance, happiness, and etc.
As it happens, I think I rather like the word "deserve" if used correctly.  For instance, if someone has worked super hard and has accomplished a goal they set for themselves, well, in that case, they deserve the reward of that goal.  And on the opposite side of that coin, if someone does something utterly foolish, perhaps they actually DO "deserve" the consequences they may face.
I like the etemology information a great deal.  It's very interesting to me that this word originates from a Latin word meaning to devote oneself to and to serve.  For this is what is done when correct reference is made to someone "deserving" something or thuther.  As in the example of the goal, one really does have to devote oneself to or serve the end goal to accomplish any goal worthy of accomplishment (and some, as on the other side of the "coin," NOT worthy of accomplishment).
So, I don't mind the word nearly as much as I thought... I just mind (a lot more than I realized), the incorrect application of the word!  The things we learn about ourselves as we write....  ^_^

on July 19, 2012 I've linked this post up to a party
come join before it's too late!  ^_^

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Just To Be Clear

I am really doing all right.  For anyone who knows me (as opposed to those who read here for entertainment, information, or otherwise), I'm quite all right.  Truly.

The Lord has provided me with numerous resources and I am making use of them.  All is well and all will be well.

If you feel inspired and directed of the Lord to talk to me about or share something that relates to the subject of spontaneou abortion (aka: miscarraige), feel free to do so.  Otherwise, at this time, I would prefer simply to not talk about it.  Even the too frequent repetition of the normally benign question, "How are you?" is kinda... annoying?  That word does not have the correct connotation for my feeling, but it's close-ish.

Anyway, my point is that I've made a big step in simply making my experience somewhat public.  I'm not ready and do not desire to conversate about it in real-life.  Writing is fine.  Out loud, not so much.

And thank you, in advance, for kindly not broaching the subject.  Unless you are my Mom or husband, of course.  They can do as they like.  Special priviledge of... um... BIRTHING me and, well... you know.  ;)

Baby-Not-To-Be Record for Me

^_^ and anyone else interested, obviously ^_^

April 24, 2012 Conceived.

May 29 Around the time my baby died.

June 5 Began meditating.

June 20 Couldn't find a heart-beat with Doppler or Ultra-Sound.

June 23 Began to bleed, still thinking (hoping) I'm pregnant.

July 2 Began anger meditation 40 days.

July 6  Finished bleeding.

January 15, 2013 Baby-not-to-be's expected due date.

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