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First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Thursday, July 5, 2012

On Trust, Love and Marriage

Something I've Seen on Facebook:Trust doesn't come with a refill. Once it's gone, you probably won't get it back, and if you do; it will never be the same! And that's a fact!

Very Close to My Actual Response to the Above:
true. yet we must all be courageous and mature enough to realize, understand and truly learn (thus live) the additional truth that love and trust are not mutually exclusive. They exist as seperate, though intrinsically connected, entities. However, one can continue when the other is destroyed. And marriages can be maintained on love or trust alone. It is best and easiest when both are possible, but not necessary.

Additional Thoughts I Desire to Share Here:
So, who said you have to trust your man (or woman) to be able to have a positive and beneficial union?  I have completely rejected this fallacious premise.  You see, although I know trust is AWESOME to have and would love to feel it, I have been through too much to give it right now.  It can be earned.  But once broken too many times, it can truly become un-put-back-together-able... or take so much time to re-exist that it seems like it's not possible to have it again.  At least, this is my current experience.

Does having reason to distrust my man mean that I cannot love him and build a good marriage with him?  Well, most people would say that this is absolutely true.  I disagree.  Does it make life more difficult, to not trust your spouse?  Certainly.  It just does.  That's part of the package when mistrust enters (for good reason or imagined).  Just for the record, my reasons for distrust would overfill a VERY large... hmmmm... a very large something-or-other.  VERY large.  And they are not created or enlarged... these are actual reasons.

Does this mean that Chef Jessie is a bad person?  Absolutely not!  He's actually a model of honesty and integrity with everyone other than me.  Does that hurt, yepper-y-sir-it-sure-do!  But do I focus on that stuff?  Nope.  Sure don't.  The mistrust IS always there.  But I do not focus on it, you see.  It's like anything negative... any problem any of us have... it's always there... that addiction to chocolate, or cigarettes... or that short fuse that, when burned results in overmuch anger... or that problem with mean thoughts... or that desire to spend, spend, spend... or the need to exercise so much that one becomes obsessed to the exclusion of all else that is important.  You see, anything can become a problem if we focus overmuch on it.  Even good stuff!

Anyway... back to my point.

Things are not perfect.  They never will be because Jess and I are both... MORTAL.  We're human.  Problems are part and parcel of this experience called Life.  Like I keep finding myself saying to my girls, "It's easy to be a problem maker.  It's easy to see something that needs to be or could be done and come up with all the problems to prevent you from getting anywhere with it.  But we don't need to do what's easy.  We need to be problem solvers.  Not problem makers!"

How does that pertain?  Well, it does because I don't trust my man.  Do I allow this problem to get in the way of positive interactions with my man?  Nope.  Do I allow this problem I have with him prevernt me from strengthening bonds through physical means, including affection, hand-holding, and otherwise?  No-siree-bob.  Sure don't.  Do I allow the lack of trust I feel toward my husband to turn into a belief that I don't love my husband?  Okay... well, on this one I feel Led to disclose a bit.  When I first learned about a long period of lies... well, I did confuse love with trust.  I did think that if he was untrustworthy, then I couldn't love him.  Honestly, I did.  But I learned, from something I read somewhere (sorry I cannot recall where or even specifically what brought about the epiphany), that trust and love are not the same.  One can exist without the other.  Is it optimal?  Is it a preference to have either without the other.  No.  And no.  But that doesn't mean it is BAD to continue on with only one of those virtues existant in a marriage.

I believe that marriage is worth more than a "need" for complete trust AND/OR love.  If I could trust Jessie, but felt like I didn't love him, I would stay married to him.  Because I know that I can choose to love him again.  The same is true about trust.  I could choose to trust him right now.  I will not because I just will not.  Not right now.  I'm just not strong enough to go down that road again right now.  But I also accept that I can love him, build a stronger marriage with him and have good experiences with him without trust.  Now... if communication went down the drain along with the trust... I'm not so sure I could hang on terribly long (been there, don't work so hot!).  But love and communication truly can provide a reasonably good foundation for a marriage... or a good crack-fixer-upper if the foundation has been cracked or messed up in some bigger way by the realization of untrustworthiness.

At least, I believe this is true as a result of experiences in my own life.

my Man: Chef Jessie

I do agree that if trust is rebuilt, it simply never ever is the same.  How could it be?!!?


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