Do you know me?
If you do, then it'll come as no surprise when I tell you that I felt more excited and happy about this pregnancy (the one that is no more) than I've felt about any of the previous 4. How could that be? I've wondered. But then, as I ponder on it, it is no wonder at all. I mean, I'm more than I was. I have grown (and pray will continue to do so!). I have come to understand, in some small way, at least, how much Love grows with the addition of each new baby to our family. I have begun to feel a little competent in my roles as Mama... so, of course I would be more easily happy and joyful at a pregnancy under such conditions.
If you don't know me, then consider the above in addition to the following: I am quiverful. If you look in the Bible (I'm not going to take the time, cause I'm getting tired, finally) there are a couple (I think) verses that refer to a quiver full of arrows, and how a man who has many will be joyful. Anyway... this is where the term quiverfull arises. This term does not mean that someone who believes this way must necessarily have MANY children. It actually means that I desire to accept the Lord's planning for my family.
I have desired to understand the Lord's Will for our family size. As a result of my desire and effort to understand, I believe I have come to some understanding... and so I hope for each spirit that I believe is still missing. I pray for them to come safely into their tabernacle of flesh and join our family via birth.
Also, it is pertinent to know that I am the oldest of 6 kids and when I was little my Mom's Mom would always ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. My firm and steady reply, "A Mom." That's all I EVER wanted to be as a child. And I thought I'd have 6. Just like my Mom. Well, I think I know a different number... at least I'm hoping for a different number of childre - more than I have, but that's really besides the point because ultimately, I desire the Lord's Will.
Okay, so... I think that's enough information to understand more fully what I'm going to share.
In my logical mind, I know I did not do anything to cause the death of the baby I was pregnant with. I do realize this.
However, my feeling is one of absolute pain and guilt. For, surely (it feels - and this is how the heart of man is so unreliable as we can read in His Holy Word) I am responsible. The baby was growing in MY body, afterall. And then died. And my body expelled it. I am culpable.
What I know and what I feel are at extreme odds, obviously. I KNOW my feelings are rubbish, but I feel them completely to be truth. I'm glad I know, and have heard repeatedly of the Lord, that they are NOT truth. But feelings can be really very difficult to... get past.
Anyway... As I've tried to use the word miscarriage to describe my experience, I've felt this horribleness even more. Somehow that word means to me: "I dropped my baby. I don't know HOW that could've happened... I mean, I was carrying it just fine and then lost it." UGH. BLAH! I think I cannot adequately describe to you the way it feels BLUGGLY and just horrible to consider this experience a "miscarriage"... like it's something I did.
However, "spontaneous abortion," by it's very words feel TO ME more like, "my body did this... why did my body do this thing to me... how could my baby die and my body just push it out... spontaneously?"
Does that make sense?
Well, whether it does or not, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
If you need some clarification, please ask specific questions. :)
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