Saturday, July 4, 2015

Saturday Soliloquy #31: The Wedding

We decided on a masquerade ball for the theme of our wedding.  I remember the two of us talking about how most people wear masks in the various interactions through life.  I felt then that I didn't, but could definitely see how others did.  Jessie liked this idea very well and that's what we did.

Our wedding was on December 31, 2002 and we were able to book a room in which to hold it in a hotel on the oceanfront in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

We found a really accomplished cake decorator and ordered a fabulous cake that was also very symbolic of us and our life at that time.  It looked amazing and tasted more wonderful than words can describe!  But let me try to share some of it's amazing loveliness with you.  Each cake was a different flavor with a complimentary flavor filling in between the layers and an awesome buttercream topped by a tastey rolled fondant (most rolled fondant I'd had up to that point was horrible... peel-off-able!).  Each cake had a topper.  Both the flavors of the cakes and their toppers were symbolically relevant.  Unfortunately, I cannot locate my notes about the flavors right now.  The biggest cake was "our" cake.  The topper was a hand-sculped sugar mask rendition of Jessie's sun/moon tatoo.  The next smaller cake was "Jessie's" and had an awesome sugar crown for the topper.  I called him my 'king' at that time.  Next down in size (but higher in the display), was mine.  The topper was hand-scullpted sugar wings because Jessie used to call me his angel.  The smallest cake's topper, the one we saved for our first year anniversary, was a store-bought topper of a woman holding a man up in both her arms.  I painted them so that the man was in orange and the woman was in blue, just as Jessie and I were.  The cake maker was also a master stylist.  The table was stunning.  Folks from the murder/mystery dinner celebration came to see it very frequently.

Favors for weddings can be rather plain and unimaginative, at least, that was our impression at the time.  Because our wedding was meant to be a masquerade ball, we purchased various kinds of masks as our wedding favors.  They were very cool.  More than 10 years later we still have some!  Our children have enjoyed playing with many of them, which we imagined we would enjoy.  I think we may have enjoyed it even more than we imagined.

The night of our wedding we and our friends and family set everything up.  Then we began our party/reception.  We went to another room for our ceremony.  After exchanging vows, we went back to the party room and continued our reception including cutting our cake.  It was really quite fun!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015


Pressing thoughts.  The kind you cannot push away too long.  Haunting until they are released.  And so it has been for me these last few months... and longer.

To hair or not to hair.  Or, perhaps, to rephrase in a way more socially understandable: to shave, or not to shave.  Those are the questions.

And what a tumult of thought and feeling has come into my little world as a result.  And so much insight and understanding of things I never questioned before.

You see, as long as I can remember, I had some sort of aversion to hair.  Not to the point of utter and complete disgust... but darn close.  And so, at around 10 (maybe younger?!), I shaved every part of my body that I could.  My legs?  I think so... not sure if I had time for them.  My arms?  Yep, that's where I started... I think, because I could see them most.  My belly?  My chest?  Yep.  And yes.  The funniest part... I was shocked when my Mom asked me if I had shaved!  I mean, how in the HECK did she know!??  I was sure she had special "Mom powers of knowing" before that, but it was just solidified by that question.

Now, 29 years later, I see so much that I couldn't even comprehend then.

I see that I was in complete rejection of a basic and instrinsic part of myself at a very young age because I saw my Mama rejecting the same in/of herself.  If she didn't like it on herself, it must surely be unacceptable/unwantable on me!

To question why she did what she did was not a tool in my skill set at such an age.

Partially in answer to the unknowable question (why did she do it?), I now see that my Mama was conditioned by a sick culture to reject this part of her womanhood and femininity.  How very sad, right?  I mean, who wouldn't want to be a woman!?!!?  (HA!  I love it, but I know lots don't... but that's a whole other post!)

Another unknowable question back then: why would a culture condition it's women to reject a part of the process of their maturation?  Of course, I didn't ask it.  Not then.

But I sure have in the last few years!

And then, the pieces of the puzzle that is the sickness in our country and world today began to come together for me.

One huge piece of that puzzle was when my Mom shared a prophecy with me.

She did not proclaim it a prophecy.  Indeed, she would never describe the things she foresees as such.  But all of us should be prophets with the gift of prophecy, if, indeed, we have faith in Christ.  Even as Moses said, basically: I would that all in Israel were prophets.

What prophecy did she share?

She told me that it would not be a great many years before the lawmakers in our country began the process of making pedophilia "just another sexual orientation".  When did she say such a thing?  About 10 years ago... maybe it was just 8... but it was a WHILE ago, yall.

And what's happening?  True, it's been 'only' a little here and there.  But that's how it starts.  That's how the movement to make (and this is also part of her prophecy) homosexuality, bisexuality, and transgenders socially acceptable and even "popular" began.  If you don't think it's popular, you are living in a place of denial... and I have a river to sell ya.


Are you wondering how I've gone from shaving (or hairing) to pedophilia?  If you wonder, I might question your discernment.  Surely it makes perfect sense if you are using your spiritual eyes.
Just in case I have any among those who have made it this far who do not see, but desire to:

We are the frog in the pot.  In MANY ways.  Humans, I mean.  But especially those of us here in this blessed (at least it once was and could be again if we would turn with one accord to our Father in Heaven and serve only Him) land called The United States of America... or whatever version you desire to reference it.  Those of us who are supposed to be benefited by The Constitution of said....

We are a frog in a pot.

The heat is sin.

The fire is temptation by the devil.

The water temp rises as a greater and greater number of people in this Nation choose sin (and making evil good and good evil).  And we begin to cook, sitting still, thinking we are comfy... without even knowing it because the temptations were so small in the beginning.  Until we are frozen in the state before death when our muscles are paralyzed because they are already cooked, but our brain is still alive...  thankfully, we are not an actual frog and we can remove the heat through repentance and return to God and His truths... as a Nation.  And that's the difficulty, isn't it?  But difficult things are accomplished with one person's choice to see as God sees.

God loves even those who trespass His laws.  He is ever ready to forgive the sinner and loves them even as they sin.  He does not turn away.

We, as a culture/Nation, have turned away from God.  I was among those.  In so many ways.  And because I know I have turned, I know we, as a Nation, are able to do so as well.  Forgiveness is REAL.  The Atonement our Savior performed is more real than this life with all it's experiences.  We are able to be forgiven and become new in Christ Jesus!

How have we turned away?  We have accepted sin as good.  Homosexuality is not a sin.  Acting on those natural tendencies IS.  Accepting that someone is homosexual does not mean condoning any choice to live out those impulses.  Loving someone who is homosexual does not preclude knowing the sin of acting on that nature.  Yet, our culture/world says it IS good to do wrong.  Even to the point, now, in this Nation, of our Supreme Court ruling against the majority of constituents in the Nation regarding marriage and how it pertains or does not pertain to those who are other than heterosexual.

God ordained marriage in the Garden of Eden when He gave Eve to Adam and commanded them to procreate and replenish the earth.  Man has been defiling the sanctity of marriage in any number of ways and many decreeing that "God said this was good because of ______".  Even prophets, both current and past, are human and make mistakes.  Period.  Accepting and acknowledging that does not reduce all else they did or said to worthlessness.  It just doesn't.  Someone can say something right and righteous and Godly and God inspired in the morning and make a total fool of himself (or herself) in the evening.  The evening's ridiculousness does not negate the morning's  near perfection (or vice versa).  It just makes said person human and  as such, just like the rest of us: perfectly fallible.

I couldn't see it plainly or clearly as my Mom did when she said it those years ago.  But I certainly see the fulfillment speeding upon us.  And the incremental turning up of the heat....

I could trace this descent from much greater righteousness to where were are now.  However, that would be far more work than I'm willing to invest (and thus take away from my family)... If you do it, let me know and I'll share thoughts!  I'd love to see what you come up with.

Because I see the hair issue as a truly integral and HUGE aspect of the cultural acceptance of pedophilia, I'm going to simply expound upon it... in case anyone who doesn't still see the connection is still reading and interested.

Dark hair arriving in special places is one of the indicators of oncoming manhood and/or womanhood.  It heralds a special and important change from childhood to adulthood and all the responsibility inherent therein (perhaps especially the ability and responsibility of parenthood).
Pedophilia rejects adults as desirable... of course.  That's the whole problem with it, right?
So, one of the fundamentally necessary notches on the temp gauge for the frog in the pot that is us is to make hair unwanted....  First among women... because we already accept on some fundamental level that we are sexual objects to the men we desire to love us (how sad, but it is true no matter how we reject it)... so the devil appeals to our desire to remain young and appealing...

I'm sure the first women to go hairless purposefully were in the limelight.  Held up by the media as THE look.  Mass hypnotism was probably implemented at least a little.

But we went willingly and fell into a trap we didn't recognize as such and willingly removed one of the indicators of our maturation, femininity, and womanhood.  We forsook our hair in many places through shaving or other forms of removal.  Just to be clear, I was definitely among those who fell into this trap.

And now the movement is among our men.  Men who are hairy are seen as unkempt... or somehow gross.  Many men (at least among those I used to speak about these things with) WANT to be seen as sexual objects (no wonder they DO it... thinking in terms of the 5 Love Languages....), so of course they want to either shave completely or trim it up so as to be able to be desireable.

Moving the heat up.  Frogs in the pot.

Do you see what I see?

As a result of all this, I will share that I have chosen hair.  Interesting?  I don't know... I don't think so.  Honestly, I think it's the only choice for anyone who truly understands what I've come to know.  I think it's the "right thing to do" for those who desire to honor the gift these bodies are.  Both male and female.

"What?  You mean, let hair grow... down there... with no shaving, trimming, or otherwise?"  And I would return, "Yes.  Anywhere there is hair that grows naturally, let it grow.  Let it grow!  Don't hold it back any more!"  hahaha

Seriously, though.

I admit I still pluck the hairs from my chinny chin chinS... and I don't know that I will stop that any time soon.  I also pluck my eyebrows... a little.  I'm struggling with those hair removal efforts... and the inherent public disappoval inherent it letting THAT go!  *sigh*  I am not free of caring what others' think!  As much as I wish I were truly free....

Lest someone mistake me:

I am now, only better than I was before.  I am merely equal to or less than others in every regard.  Yet, I know God loves me just as He Loves you and everyone else.  I am so late to this change....

I see how this whole hair thing could become a sort of Pharasaical-type issue.  Let it not be so.  If anyone among us choose to grow our hair (anywhere and/or everywhere), let us do it because of our own desire to change.  To grow in self acceptance... because I can tell you, from my own experience, it has opened an awesome flood-gate of self-acceptance!!  And what a huge and awesome gift THAT is!!!

To draw nearer to God is the greatest gift... And I believe that as we accept every part of the gift He has given us in these tabernacles of clay, we grow to know Him more clearly and dearly. 

As a last note, and something I've learned by experience of having hair: there are little things that hair help with... skin sensitivity only one among them.  Maybe you won't keep it forever.  Maybe I won't.  It's good to try new things.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Gift

To my dear Savior,
at this time of year,
the very best and only real gift I can give
is to choose each and every day to fully live
focused on them and their way for me
to work really hard and begin to see
how to fill myself with Their loving bright light
and shine it forth into the world so dark as to be like  night.

How do I fill myself full of his light and love, I wonder?
It's simple to follow His command yet simple doesn't mean easy, I've learned as a I blunder.
Simple to read His word each day
and pray in a whole-hearted child-like way.
Simple to hear His Will and, His Word, obey.
As I leave my Will upon the alter each and every day.
It flutters about and years to fly like a bird
Not content to obey His Word.
I recognize this for what it is, for sure:
the natural man a constant temptation and lure.

Each day I must remember my covenants through prayer
and study the scriptures like it's some kind of dare.
Focusing my mind, heart, and soul on Him,
otherwise my commitment will grow dim.
And this gift of me is worth very little
if I don't mind every jot and tittle.
For Christ has shown me the way
and though I will not arrive today
My agency combined with consistent efforts toward who He would have me be
are the only gifts precious enough for the One who is Three.

Once I'm able to collect some of His bright and loving Light,
How do I shine it forth into this world so dark as night!?
Could it be a smile?
Shared with everyone within a mile...
Could I help another?
For each and every one is my brother.
Might I step out of my comfort zone?
And help someone find Him who did Atone!
Yes, all that and so much more
the options are like a door...
You open one and there's always another
God's Love is even more perfect than that from our Mother.

He desires the gift of ourselves.
And as we give, He doesn't put it on some shelves.
He teaches us how to more and more perfectly give
how to more and more fully live.
For His work and His Glory
Are the real purpose of our life's story.

December 5, 2014

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

My Dad... a poem

I love my Dad.
I used to think he was bad.
Not a good Father...
just a big bother.

But then I came to understand
that he was doing his best with the band
constricting and binding his mind, heart, spirit and hand...
and he didn't know to demand
that it release and submit, the whole strand.

I can see the bonds and yet they remain.
My hands bound and upon them a stain.
I see what he could not, yet I did, him, blame.
One cannot put out a fire if onecannot perceive the flame.
Yet I see and know the heat and it still burns as my shame.
My efforts puny to end the curse and break the chain.

Formed over generations the curses were made.
A debt in heart, mind, body and spirit laid.
I could never be enough to get this debt paid.
And I lack understanding of how to access the cooling shade
of our perfect provider and Savior who bade
consume of Him for all debts have been prepaid.
Yet still I struggle to cut loose with a dull blade.

My Savior has already done the work
through the Atonement, it's a huge perk
of being human, the gift was given if I will not shirk,
to accept it fully and no longer lurk
in the shadows of believing myself to be a jerk.
The weight of generations is enough to make anyone berserk.
Yet I hold on to past sin, pain, and other merk...
Rather than release it to God and let Him do his work.

Show me how.
To release the curses past and my sin of now.
I would be a new me, If I did I'd vow
to become new with a sprinkle of fairy dust and a magical POW.
But that's silliness, I know, holy cow!
I just want to be new, Father.  It's been here all the while.  Wow!
Please, Lord, before Thee, I bow.

December 5, 2014

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Wanting... a poem

Have you ever wanted
to be other than you are?
Another y me
than the one you see?

I have.
Oh! I have.

The Mother I've been
is not the one I'd be.
Using my emotions as the tool
with which I control and rule.

I'd rather be
other than me.

The woman I've been
is not the one I'd be.
Only moving from now to then
Not fully understanding the far-off when.

I must become
who I have never been.

The wife I've been
is not the one I'd be.
I must learn how to love
with God, who is love, up above.

I will yet be
who I've not yet been.

December 5, 2014

I've Learned a Little

I've learned a little about Generational Curses as of late.  What do you know about them?  I sure would like to learn more and both deepen and broaden my understanding.  Especially since what I have come to understand has helped me so very much!  tyia!

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Another Story from our Moving Experience

The Soul
Our departure day, August 18, 2014 is the day the game began.  We didn’t plan it.  We didn’t really know it would become a game when it started.  It just sort of happened.

As we drove north heading out of DeLand after turning in the Brighthouse box, Jessie spotted three green Kia Souls at the intersection of 17 and International Boulevard.  Two were heading west on International and the other was turning next to us.
During the ordeal of the Blown Tire, Jessie saw a green Soul.

By 7:16pm Jessie spotted our fifth green Soul.  Five is supposed to be a big number for me, numerologically speaking.  I don’t know what it means, but it somehow seems significant to me- even without noting numerology.
I’m pretty sure we saw Souls between August 18th and the 25th, but I didn’t keep track of them until the 25th.  I think it was just sort of interesting at first… and then there were just so many and we would see them at interesting moments, that I started to keep track of how many we saw and what colors they were.

August 25th: gray: 2, green: 1, dark gray green: 1, white: 1, black: 2
August 26th: black: 1, green: 1, silver: 1

August 27th: gray: 1, white: 1
August 28th: white: 4, red: 3, gray: 7, black: 3, green: 3, eggshell: 1, orange: 1

August 29th: green 1, red: 1, silver: 1, black: 1
August 30th: black: 1, green: 1, silver: 1, white: 1

August 31st: black: 4, red: 1, eggshell: 1… of the black 2 had white racing stripes and 1 had red racing stripes
September 1st: red: 1, dark gray: 2, black: 2

September 2nd: green: 4, black: 4
September 3rd: silver: 2, white: 1, gray: 1, green: 1, yellow: 1

September 4th: silver: 1, black: 1, red: 2, white: 2, green: 1, gray: 1
September 5th: white: 2, gray: 1, green: 3, black with red racing stripe: 1, eggshell: 1, brown: 1

September 6th: silver: 1, gray: 1, eggshell: 1, green: 1, white: 1,
September 7th: silver: 1

September 8th: white: 1, white with tiger stripes: 1, green: 1, gun metal gray: 2, orange: 1
September 9th: black: 2, silver: 3, white: 2, eggshell: 1

September 10th: silver: 5, greenish brown: 1, white: 5, eggshell: 2, yellow: 1, green: 5, gray: 1, red: 1
September 11th: white: 1, green: 4, red: 1, gray: 2, silver: 1

September 12th: silver: 7, eggshell: 1, black: 3, gray: 2, green: 3, brown: 1, white: 3, yellow pea green: 1, orange: 1, jade (blueish green): 1
September 13th: orange: 2, black: 1, red: 1

September 14th: we were not out and about
September 15th: black: 3, white: 4, eggshell: 2, navy: 1, green: 3, yellow: 1

September 16th: Mama and the children stayed at the trailer.
September 17th: black: 1, eggshell: 1

The order of the colors is the order in which we saw them, but we may have seen a few of one color before we saw a new color… or one of each.  Sometimes, I’ve seen a color that seems to indicate that my thoughts or feelings are on the wrong track.  Maybe I was feeling upset about something and I then saw a red Soul.  Or the opposite, too… as in seeing the five green Souls on the first day… seems like we’re getting the “green light” to keep going even though the difficulties we were facing might cause me to think we’re doing the wrong thing.
It’s a silly little game, but it’s fun and something positive that Jessie and I did from the first day of our moving adventure.

“For the worth of a Soul is great.” Has come to my mind very frequently during this game.  ;)
The children made a pun… they said: What song would a Soul (car) sing most?  Answer: Then Sings My Soul.  Harharhar  ^_^  Love my silly punny kiddos!

Friday, November 7, 2014

Part of Another Story

Working Title: Sarah's Confession


Yes, cutie.

Mommy, Sarah told me something today.  Something really scary and sad.

Oh?  Won’t you tell me about it?

I want to.  But it’s really scary and she told me I couldn’t ever tell anyone else because something bad could happen to her and her family if anyone ever found out she told me.

Oh! Well, then you definitely need to tell me.

But what if something bad happens to her or her family because I told you?  Then it would be my fault!

No.  If something actually happened to them as a result of you telling me, it would not be your fault at all.  It would be the fault of the person or people who did the bad thing.  Telling me enables me to help you AND Sarah.  She needs help, doesn’t she?

Yes.  I think she does.  I’m just feeling sad and afraid.

You know what I always tell you about feelings, right?

I know.

Tell me so I know you remember it right.

Feelings aren’t trustworthy.  Especially if they are feelings like anger or fear.

That’s right.  And what do we do if we feel angry or afraid?

I should talk to you and Heavenly Father about it.

That’s right.  So, have you talked to Heavenly Father?


And now you’re going to talk to me, right?

I want to.

You know, from experience, that you feel less afraid after talking to me and Heavenly Father.  So, tell me what Sarah shared with you.  I want to relieve you of the burden of her secret.

Okay.  Well… she told me that the boy that lives next door… the oldest one.  You know, Rusty…

Yes.  I know him.

Well, he’s been touching her for a while now and just the other day he made her hold his penis and put it in her mouth.

--little girl starts to cry roughly

Oh, sweetie.  I’m so sorry that has happened to your friend.  She cried when she told you, didn’t she?

Yes.  She just felt so horrible.  You’ve taught me so much about sex so that I can stay safe… so I know how horrible it is that this older boy is forcing her to do this stuff.  I mean, he’s taking part of her away… and she can’t ever get it back.  And she feels yucky and horrible about it all the time.  And I feel so sad for her.  And I’m afraid, too, mostly because she’s afraid.

Lily, you are such a brave young lady.  I’m so glad Sarah has you for a friend.  I know that sharing this with you has helped her.  She was able to share the burden of this horrible thing with you.  How long ago did she tell you?


And you’ve kept it to yourself all that time!  You are so strong!  Thank you for telling me, sweetie!  I love you!!

I love you, too, Mommy.  Thank you for listening.  I feel so much better now that I’ve told you.  But what are you going to do.  I know you’re going to do something.

Honestly, I’m not sure yet.  I’ve never been faced with this sort of thing, personally.  So, I’m going to do some research and figure out just what I need to do.  I will do something.  I have some questions for you, if you feel like you can talk about all of this some more.  The answers will help me figure out what I need to do and when.

I can answer questions.  I think I’m really okay now.

Good.  If you want or need to cry some more, you just go ahead.

Okay.  I’m ready for your questions.

When is Rusty able to do the things he does to and with Sarah?

Well, you know how Sarah’s Mom works twice each week?


Some of the times when she works, Sarah stays at Rusty’s house.

I see.

And since her Mom works really late at night some of those times, Sarah spends the night there.  It started one of the times she spent the night.  But he did it to her during the day, too.  And this last time… when he made her… you know…

Wednesday, November 5, 2014


This is PART of a short story.  If you're interested in the rest, let me know.

“Oh my gosh! It’s ALL my fault!”

“Pearl, are you okay?  What’s all your fault?”

“Did I say that out loud?”

“Yes, honey, you did.”

“Oh, well… I didn’t mean to.  I’m sorry, Mom.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me what you’re so worried about?”

“No, Mom.  Not right now.  I’m not worried about anything, really.  Just thinking through something is all.”

“Okay.  Well, you just say the word and I’m here to help you work through it.”

“I know you are.  Thank you, Mom.”

“It really is my fault.”

“What is?”


“Umm… yeah.  That’s what I asked.”

“I’m so confused.  What do you mean?

“Well, just a sec ago you said, ‘It really is my fault,’ and since we were both sitting here doing our homework, I thought you wanted to talk about it.”

“Oh.  Well, I didn’t realize I said it out loud.”

“You did.  You want to talk about it crazy-head?”

“Stace, I know you say that jokingly, but I’m afraid if I told you what I was talking about that I didn’t mean to talk about, you’d think I really was crazy.”

“Umm… well, I already know you are crazy, so just one more bit of info to confirm what I know won’t make a bit of difference one way or another.”

“Really?  I mean, I don’t think I’m crazy.”

“Yeah, that’s what all crazy people say.  That’s what my Dad’s second wife’s therapist told her, anyway.”

“So… do you really think I’m crazy?”

“Aren’t we all… at least a little?”

“I guess so.”

“Pearl, are you going to tell me what you think is really your fault or not?”

*sigh* “I really do want to.  I’m so tired of keeping it to myself.”

“Okaaay…  Then do tell.”

“Before I share this with you, you have to be prepared to keep it to yourself.  Will you?  I mean, really truly keep it to yourself, Stace?”

“If it’s so important to you, then, yes, of course I will keep it to myself.”

“It really is.”

“Then it stays with me.”

“Okay… so… I’m the reason Felice was killed in the car accident almost two years ago.”

“Ummm… Pearl, you couldn’t possibly be the reason anyone was killed… ever.  You’re practically perfect in every way!”

“Stace… that’s Mary Poppins!”

“And YOU!  Seriously.  You didn’t kill anyone.”

“You’re right.  I didn’t kill her.  But it is my fault she died.”

“Why in the world would you say that, crazy-head?”

“Because it’s true.  I feel so much relief just telling you that… I haven’t told anyone since I found out and it’s been more than a year now since I realized.”

“First of all: it isn’t true.  Not as far as I can tell or imagine.  You’re going to have to do a lot better to convince me that you had anything to do with Felice’s death.  AND: what is it you found out or realized?”

“I don’t really want to convince you.  And telling you anything else really will.”

“Pearl.  I love you.  We are best friends and have been almost forever.  We’re getting married, for crying out loud!  We will be best friends for the rest of our lives.  Any trial that comes will eventually make us closer and stronger together – as long as we’re completely honest with each other and work to that end.”

“I believe that’s true.”

“Okay.  So, tell me why you think you are the reason Felice is dead.”

“Stace, I really don’t want to tell you.  But I’m going to trust you: my Mom got her liver.”

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Upon Attempting to Leave FLorida

August 18, 2014

We finally departed our De Leon Springs house, which was no longer ours, by 10:18 am.  Jessie was driving since he already had experience pulling trailers.  He was stressed while driving, but all was going well when a tire blew out on the trailer.

Although we did swerve widely and it was alarming, we were kept perfectly safe.  Jessie pulled off the road in preparation of changing out the tire that blew.  Thankfully all that was needed for that was readily accessible and he diligently set to work in the sunny heat at almost noon.  (The tire blew around 11:30am.)

After he’d been working for a little while, I started to feel sick and couldn’t ignore the impression that I had to get out there and help him.  Although I physically was not much help, it could be that my presence with him prompted a man and his wife to stop and help.  The fella, Daniel, a waste water worker for the National Forestry, was far more helpful as a result of his considerable upper body strength.  He’s a guy, after-all.  Additionally, he was able to counsel with Jessie over the spare tire we had… but which didn’t work!  In my observation of buys in stressful situations, counseling together is almost always as helpful as or more helpful even than the “helper” guy physically doing anything.

Susan, wife of Daniel, was a pleasant lady with whom I was able to have a chat.  She shared a bit about their experience on that particular road.  Though she did not say it, basically stopping to help people who seem stuck on the side of the road is a ministry for them.  Praise the Lord for His perfect timing.  Among other things, Daniel recommended a tire shop down the road.

After our road-angels departed, we headed to the tire shop with the blown tire.  It was more than 10 miles in the direction we wanted to go, but, of course, we had to go back to the trailer to put the tire on it.  On top of everything else, we saw rain and drove into some when we went to a gas station to use the restroom.

When we got back to the trailer, Jessie was able to get the new tire in place without any problems.  He went around the other side to check on the other tire and found it completely flat.  Praise the Lord!  I’d just been worried that we would get on the road only to have the other one blow out as badly or worse than the first one did.  So, he took that one off and we set out to the same tire place.  We were going to replace it anyway (Jessie had already paid for it), but were hoping to drive the trailer to the tire shop.  I’m sure this way was much safer, although significantly more time consuming.  On this trip, we drove into and through rain.

The fellow at the tire shop was worried about us because it took longer than he expected for us to return.  He was also worried that we were going to get drenched because the rain was fast and furious where it fell.  We’d definitely seen that and I think Jessie was just accepting that he would get really wet eventually.

The rain was falling hard when we returned to the trailer.  I hoped and prayed that somehow Jessie wouldn’t have to get totally soaked.  I didn’t know how that could happen since we drove into heavily falling rain as we returned to the trailer.  The rain continued to fall heavily as we u-turned to get on the right side of the road and even as we pulled ahead of the trailer so that Jessie could back up to it and get in place for reconnecting it to the van. The rain slowed a little as Jessie backed up and the Lord mercifully blessed us with a complete cessation of the rain as Jessie got out of the van to get the tire and put it in place!  We were both a little shocked and super grateful.  Jessie said, afterward, “See.  I told you I am His favorite.”  Yes.  Yes you are, Jessie… just as we all are.  And in a way that only works with God… It’s a fact that we are each His favorite and the truth that we are each His favorite doesn’t decrease the favor in being His favorite!

Replacing the second tire also went smoothly and we returned to our journey west without further incident… at least, free of the tire blowing kind!

Romans 15: 13, “Now the Go of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Ghost.”

If you are among those of my friends who have been waiting long for this story, I'm so sorry it's taken THIS long to get it onto my blog.  I have it partially formatted for a group I participate in - we share lessons we learn from our lives.  Pretty cool, right?  :)

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Saturday Soliloquy #33: Being With My Sister and other wonderful things about being in Utah

My children were the greatest impetus for the trip to Utah.  If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have worked the way I did for myself - regardless of how much I wanted to visit my sister and meet her newest baby.  I'm so grateful for the gift and blessing of my children's desire and the fire it lights in me!

So, seeing my sis again was awesome.  Meeting her youngest babe (and re-meeting her older two) was simply heavenly.  Enjoying her company as much as I possibly could was a treasure.  I miss her very much.  It's been difficult to bring myself to writing about the joy I felt while with her for the sadness of missing her.  I'm finally doing it now, though.

I'm so grateful that we were blessed by someone who loves us very much to be ABLE to visit my sister.  I can only imagine the sacrifice this person and family made to help us... I'm just so grateful!

My Kitty Kat was the biggest surprise.  Her reaction to General Conference was far and away more wonderful than I ever would've expected.  She was just thrilled to have been there in real life.  When I saw her, during the break between the two sessions, I really thought she would tell me she didn't want to go to the next one.  I was blown away when she practically threw herself at me in a bubbling effusion of excitement and declared, "I LOVE GENERAL CONFERENCE!" almost yelling.  I was shocked and thrilled and still feel an amazing rising of joy whenever I think of it!

I worried about Kat a lot before this trip.  I worried because I felt in her such a huge desire to be like her Daddy (smoking, drinking coffee, drinking tea) that I would lose her to those habits as a teen or older.  I acknowledge that it could still happen.  I'm just not worried about her if it does because now I know she has a solid foundation to which she will return if she does stray.  I felt in that experience after the first session a sort of "game changing".

Ria loved it as she knew she would.  The whole trip fulfilled many items on Ria's bucket list.  I had no idea she HAD a bucket list, but she definitely does.  Visit the mountains, go to General Conference, see the Salt Lake City temple, see the Conference Center, and I think maybe another one or two I can't recall right now.  It's such an honor, as her Mama, to be able to have facilitated the fulfillment of a few items on her list!  Another reason I'm so amazingly grateful to those who helped finance the journey!

Tea and Jmy were cool with the trip.  They didn't seem overly excited about much.  Jmy definitely gravitated more toward the guys (his Uncle and his Uncle's Dad and brother-in-law).  Tea was all about having un with her cousins.  EmJ... well, she didn't want to have anything to do with any adult other than me.  She does tend to be that way, generally.  I was sad that she didn't let my sister (who she was named after) hold her at all.  *sigh*

We loved every bit of our time with my sister and her family.  It was a joy and now joyful memories!

Monday, June 2, 2014

I Get It aNew

My husband once told me, after I found out he's started smoking again after attempting to quit again, "It just doesn't feel natural."

At that time, I almost immediately thought of a particular verse, "The natural man is an enemy to God and has been since the fall of Adam and will be forever."  Okay, so maybe that's not a word-for-word quote.  I'm not checking it.  I've written it straight from my heart.  Feel free to correct me.  If you do, make sure to share the actual book, chapter and verse number because I don't have that memorized yet.  Thank you, in advance.

As I begin June, I approach the same day in June that, to me, officially culminates 1 month of work toward shedding excess weight.  I'm very pleased with what I have accomplished to this point and hope and pray the success will continue.

If you haven't yet heard, I hope you'll read THIS  (make sure to read my comment underneath) and watch my two YouTube updates, which I am embedding here.



I get it... in a new way.  What my husband was saying.  Eating this way (much less amounts and different food) doesn't feel normal.  And I rejoice in it when I'm focused.  I work hard not to think about it too much, really.  Normal, for me, has been super unhealthy.  And to become healthy... in pursuit of optimal health... I must become something new.  Just like our awesome Savior says!

I'm going to share more about how I've decided to tackle this whole subject in my next YouTube.  I've sorta broached the subject in one or both of the two above... I'd love to hear what you think!

Thank you, by the way, for sticking with me here and reading what I have to say.  I'm working hard to get more balanced and re-regularize my posting here.  I appreciate, more than you can know, those who read what I share.  :)  Let me know what you think.  I really do enjoy real comments.

Friday, May 16, 2014

So Sorry the Silence

I've been busy... and busy not thinking... thinking does get in the way of allowing sometimes.

I've been told I think too much.  Generally, I wholeheartedly disagree.  However, there ARE times...

So, there are some great things coming up for me and my family.  Difficult and rather scary things, but truly great, too!  I'm really excited to share them with you, but must forebear.  Not entirely sure why, but I'm sure that'll be made clear at some point in the future... at some point in the future.  :)

One thing I can tell you is: I am happy.

This seems to be the Spring/Summer of my 'seasons' and I am striving to enjoy the sun and warmth available.  Sorta storing up spiritual nourishment for the dark night that will eventually follow.

Wonderful seasons.  I love seasons.  Both the kind that we can look out the window and observe AND the kind that can be compeltely unknown to the casual observer in some people who do not show emotions much.  I'm not one... even when I attempt to play it low-key, I'm relatively sure it's quite obvious what season I'm in.  I don't always love this about myself, but I'm working hard to remain accepting of it.  I AM grateful for seasons.  It sure is difficult to bare the winter sometimes, I admit freely.  But always ALWAYS worth it.

Do you remember that I write over at One Roll at a Time?  I do!  Make sure you check in there.  I'm one of the writers for the first week each month!

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Saturday Soliloquy #32: Our Recent Travels (the way to General Conference)

Ria told me more than a year ago that she wanted to go to SLC, UT for General Conference so much that she was going to earn the money up to take our family there.  She was determined that we would make the trip October 2013.

She didn't earn money as quickly as she expected.  When she did sell a painting (her primary avenue for earning the money for the trip), she turned to me and said, "I'm so excited!  We'll be able to go to General Conference for sure!  I only have to sell a few more paintings!"  I wanted to encourage her, but didn't want to mislead her, so I asked, "How much do you think we need to drive to Utah from here?"  She said, "I don't know.  But we've got almost as much as need now, right?"

Obviously, I need to focus a little more on financial information in her homeschool!  :)

I did inform her about how much the gas would cost and her hopes were dashed.  She said, "Oh!  I don't think I can make that much by next Conference."

By that time, I'd started a business and determined that I would take my girl (children) to SLC for the next General Conference, if at all possible.

I did work hard toward that goal and was able to earn enough to pay to rent a van.  My husband wasn't willing to allow us to drive our own vehicle for concern over it's viability for such a long journey.  However, I did not have or make enough money to pay for the fuel to get to Utah.

We were blessed by a wonderful benefactor who gifted us with enough money to pay for fuel!

So, we departed in the evening of March 31, 2014.

It took right around 24 hours to reach Jessie's Dad's house: Pop.  Jmy was able to meet his name-sake.  That was probably more important to me than anyone else.  It was nice to see and photograph them together.  I'm glad all the children got to spend some time with him.

From there, it took us around 34 more hours to drive to SLC, UT.

I'll share a story or two from that journey, in the future.  For now, though, I have to tell you that I would not recommend doing it in the way I did unless you absolutely must due to circumstances.  And, if you decide to go ahead with it, you should probably make sure you do a few things I did not do before you depart.

First, make sure to get enough sleep and/or take a nap before you leave.  Sleep is really helpful when dealing with 5 children cooped up WAY too long.

Second, if you can afford it, it would probably help to sleep somewhere on a bed.  I like driving at night because the children are sleeping.  It is definitely my preference.  However, I would've liked to sleep on a bed instead of the floor boards of the van.  But circumstances being what they were, the floor was WAY roomier and comfortable than I expected (with both front seats pushed as far UP as possible and both middle seats pushed BACK as much as possible).  And EmJ (almost 10 months old at the time) didn't mind the floor one bit.

Third, let school go while traveling - whether you homeschool of public school, don't worry about school.  Deal with it when you return from the trip.

Fourth, hopefully you can either get off TV entirely (as a regular habit) or "TV/electroncs starve" your children for at least a week (probably better to be longer) before you leave.  (I DID do this one and it's SUPER helpful.)

Fifth, keep sugars ingestion SUPER low before and during the trip.  I was not as mindful of that as I should've been before we left and I definitely paid the pieper for that one.  BLECK.

Finally, if you believe in it, have your favorite priesthood holder (or three) give you and the children blessings.  I did not do that before we left our home, but I did do it before we left Utah... and the two trips were like night and day.  Night on the way there, and day on the way back (day being glorious and wonderful in my opinion).

In the preceding, I alluded to the difficulty of the drive TO Utah.  Honestly, though, I cannot figure out how to adequately describe how horrible it was.  Hellacious doesn't cover it.  Seriously bad.

I took my own advice on all points above for the trip back to our house.  So, I'm sharing from experience!

Next time I'll share about our time IN Utah!  :)

Monday, April 28, 2014

Meditation Monday #67: Back into a Groove

I'm happy to relate that this past week has been back to daily meditation almost every day.  Yeay!  :)

My routine is different... tending toward evening meditation.  I really prefer morning, but I have not scheduled myself well, so night has worked best.  I'm just glad to make sure to get it in each day.  I think I did miss one day in the last seven, but I'm still super happy about getting back to almost every day.  :)

I've had some great insights during meditation.  They are mostly "DUH" but seemed to come into my understanding in a profound way... like, maybe I've actually REALLY learned it now.  I sure am hopeful!  Hope is such a wonderful gift, isn't it?

Have you been meditating lately?  Any good experiences you'd like to share?  I'd love to hear!

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