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First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Saturday Soliloquy 55: Preagnancy Series, The First Miscarriage

As of this writing I have had two.  One between Jmy and EmJ.  I bled that one out at the end of June 2012, which was a year before EmJ was born.  
Honestly, I think it was EmJ and she just needed to be born in June!  
The more recent miscarriage started January 14 was, I believe, twins.
The first miscarriage
I found out the baby was dead via an ultrasound.  I'd been so very happy to be preggie.  Jessie was, perhaps, less thrilled, but accepting, for the most part.  I think he was relieved when I had the miscarriage, though.
Perhaps I was in denial about the whole thing.  I certainly didn't really want to let go of the pregnancy.  I didn't feel supported or loved by my husband and believed I needed both of those things.  I'm sure all of that made the whole thing more difficult to endure.
My feelings of loss and pain were enormous!
My friend, Ellen, came to bring me pain medication.  Jessie was at work.  I was so hurt and angry that he went to work and left me alone to deal with this traumatic event.  He was being paid salary, so missing a day or a week... he'd still get paid.  But he believed he had to go to work.  He has, in my experience of him, put his efforts for school and work before my needs.  So this was just another slap in my emotional face, as it were.
I'm sure my feelings about his absence made it all way worse.
I also did not really fully mourn the loss during the process of it.  I think I was just so in denial and so hurt over Jessie's choices that I wasn't dealing with the actual processing of the miscarriage.
I picked up the tissue I thought was probably the baby out of the toilet and then put it back and flushed.  That hurt more than anything, I think.  I felt like I should've honored myself... the time invested in that pregnancy, and the baby more than flushing it down the toilet.
It took me months to deal with the loss of that pregnancy.  I may have been okay by the time I was preggie with EmJ about 3 months later.  Maybe.

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