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First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Saturday Soliloquy 53: Pregnancy Series, My Fifth

I just "knew" EmJ was a girl from early on.  This was my easiest pregnancy as far as the physical side of things goes.  However, it was the most difficult emotionally and spiritually.
Jessie and I were having a really difficult time from before EmJ's conception.  Things just got worse and worse.  I definitely experienced prenatal depression during the pregnancy, which was, in itself, upsetting because I was so  close to being healed of depression, generally, I thought.
I also had a miscarriage before I conceived EmJ.  That miscarriage was really difficult and traumatic for me (I'll share about it in a post after this one).
Eventually, the children and I went to visit my parents after Thanksgiving and before my birthday (also before Christmas) in 2012.  We left very soon after Thanksgiving... it was such a wonderful Thanksgiving, too.  Probably our best to that point.  So it was a major bummer to feel like my marriage and life was falling apart after it.
I have come to believe... come to understand... that both Jessie and my family lines have generational curses and/or emotional dark spots around pertaining to that period between Thanksgiving and Christmas... perhaps covering both of those holidays.  I haven't figured out exactly what, but it's like an energetic pall that impacts us.
When we can define a problem, we have made the first step toward solving it.  However, I've known the problem for a few years now and still have not figured out how to resolve it.  I am working on it, though!
So, my four children and I stayed with Mimi and JPa for almost 3 months.  It was an important experience as I was able to see some things about my brother John and my Dad that I couldn't have seen if I wasn't there during that time.  I know I was supposed to be there.  I'm not happy that I was there under the negative circumstances that Daddy and I were experiencing.
We returned to Florida some time in March (before Ria and Jmy's birthdays) and EmJ was born on June 10th.  I just knew she would be born on June 10th from the very beginning.  I'm so happy she was because my sister has two daughters born on that day.  I don't know exactly why, but that's just been special to me from the very beginning of my pregnancy to grow EmJ.
I was in labor, but it was the night before EmJ would be born when I heard from my yet-to-be-born-baby that one of her middle names should be JOY.  I'd already settled, for sure, on Evelyn Margaret, so Joy fit nicely after that, in my opinion.  And it seemed perfect to me that we would call her by her initials.  It sounds like we are saying "MJ"... like Mary Jane.  But we know we are saying her initials.
Labor started in the evening on the 9th.  It was manageable.
I woke during the night to more difficult contractions.  I was able to faith my way through most... so it was hard work, but not painful.
Later, I felt like I wasn't able to maintain as good control and things started to get painful.
Eventually I woke Jessie up.  He brought the big brown leather chair to me in our bedroom and I was able to labor in that a little bit.
After a while, very early in the morning, Jessie called Karen and told her we thought it was time for her to come.  She did.
When she arrived and checked me, she told me I was 7cm dilated.  I was really unhappy to hear that because I was concerned that I would go another 12 hours just as I had with Jmy.  I should've been okay with that... I should've trusted my body and my baby more.  But I didn't.
I went to the bathroom and applied essential oils to my belly, to the inside of my left ankle, and did accupressure.... which is how I started labor to have Jmy.
The labor became very difficult and painful.
When my midwife, without my permission, broke my waters, I felt a horrible snap and a tremendous pain radiated out from my right hip.  I couldn't stand up as a result.  I just knew (didn't tell her, but it shouldn't have mattered because she should've asked me to break my waters - rather than doing it without my permission!) that EmJ was supposed to be born in the caul.  I feel so sad that she didn't get what she was supposed to have!  Her birth was way more traumatic for both of us, but especially her, than it was meant to be.
Immediately Karen felt there was cause for concern (she found meconium in the amniotic fluid) and had me move from standing up next to the crib to lying down on my bed and pushing.  EmJ was born with only a few pushes.  She was breathing very easily, but I knew she was far more disoriented than she should'be been.  I just feel so badly that I didn't protect her better... in a LOT of ways!
EmJ was born in Mama and Daddy's room, on the same bed as Jmy, in the same house as Jmy, in Florida.  EmJ was my smallest baby at 8 pounds and 2 ounces!  2 ounces smaller than Ria.
You can read more... perhaps including lots of redundancy... about EmJ's birth from when I originally wrote about it HERE.

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