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I Am... Mama and Writer

First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Saturday Soliloquy 35: Built on The Rock

Pretty recently (as of August 15, 2015, it was recent), in a communication with a cousin with whom I have only rarely seen or spoken, I was shocked to realize his position on something pretty important. It pertained to the Supreme Court ruling regarding homosexual unions (the SC ruled that homosexuals could be "married").
My cousin told me that he had thought homosexual unions shouldn't be called marriage up until the Supreme Court ruling. Here's the kicker. He told me that he had changed his mind because (and this is a near quotation of his exact words), "Those are some really smart people. And if they say that homosexuals should be able to get married, then I just need to change my mind about it."
Before that moment, I'd not encountered anyone who so directly stated their adherence to the philosophies of men... who was so completely built upon the sand, as it were.
This interaction helped me see even more clearly the necessity of being built upon The Rock. For HE is unwavering amid the storms of this world. He is unchanging and solid and true. His position will not change based upon the whiles and wishes of human beings. I am grateful for my foundation, Jesus Christ. I am confident that I will only ever have to change my mind to increase my alignment with His unchanging principles.
Indeed, I have changed my perspective on many things. I stopped wearing an earring (top of my left ear) because I was convicted by the Spirit that the Prophet's word was true and right. As I have grown closer to righteousness, I have changed my position on the gay rights' movement, abortion, earrings... and basically everything else of any import. THAT is how God works in people. Changing them one principle... one issue at a time, until they are fully aligned with and in Him.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Saturday Soliloquy 34: A Couple Negative Interactions Between Me and a Parent

*For the next few weeks the stories may seem random.  But they are from my life and that's rather the point of the whole series.  You have the upper hand now, you know... if you read my blog and especially these Saturday Soliloquy posts... you have the ability to potentially know me better than some of the folks that interact with me in real life.  And far better than I know you.  Drop me a line.  I'd enjoy hearing about you, too.

The Story for Today:
In the family in which I grew up in, there were lots of fights between my parents. And lots of fights among my siblings and me. And lots of fights between me and my Dad. And lots of fights between me and my Mom.
I have come to believe that much, if not most of this, springs from the generational curses of: a belief of lack, and a belief of worthlessness. This understanding does not excuse the fighting and cruelties... however it helps me feel peace to have a small understanding of how much more all of these experiences have to do with than just me and those with whom they occurred.
As I was becoming a young woman, I felt very much pitted against both of my parents. I don't fully understand this, to be completely honest. But I didn't agree with them all the time and I wouldn't back down from my position until I felt like they understood me. And since they almost never conveyed understanding, I kept fighting for my position... really, my right to be heard. Ria and Kat are beginning to do this. Even Tea. I hope I may change our dynamic so that you will not have to perpetuate this wrongness any longer. I pray I will succeed! (Feb. 13, 2014)
I cannot remember what the fight was about... in any case, really. I remember the results, though. Once time, my Dad grounded me from watching TV and playing with my babie dolls for the whole summer. The dolls went into the attic and I never really took them up once they came out. The TV... well, I still watched it. My Mom let me. I just had to sneak when my Dad was home.
That is an instance of my parents. My whole life it was like they were playing for opposing teams. I believe, in large part (now), that this was a result of my Mom's thoughts and feelings more than my Dad's. More subconscious than conscious, also. My Mom sets herself in competition with many people and often... without meaning to, I know, yet she still does it.
She has even done it with me... once, very soon after I realize how many children I was meant to provide bodies, I told her and she responded with something like: Yeah. I guess you figure since I could do six, you can do more, right? And her tone of voice was really nasty and mean. I was just shocked. I mean, I'd heard that same sort of thing come out of her mouth at my Dad, but not in that same way to me.
Also, my Dad told me, when I lived in thier home with my 4 children (preggie with EmJ) that he constantly felt like he was in competition with my Mom for spirituality... and he didn't know why. He didn't WANT to feel that way, he just did. I honestly believe he was feeling her reality, not his own desire.
There was another time that my Mom and I had a really negative interaction when I was pretty young... maybe 10... or 11? I ended up crying in my bed (top bunk), and she came in a pulled me out of it by my hair! Yes, by my hair. She called my Dad and he came home from work in the middle of the day. He was so very angry. Like I was the only one at fault... in reality, I think he should've been more angry with her because she wasn't acting like an adult, but definitely expecting me to NOT act like a child. ahwell
Perhaps, if you can remember a negative interaction between you and I, my child, perhaps it's something similarly unacceptable on my part.... perhaps knowing this interaction between my Mom and me, and the truly ridiculous and extreme punishment my Dad assigned... maybe this peek into my childhood will help you understand that I have not fallen far from my parent "trees". I sure am working hard to roll into newness through Christ. I really am. I'm nowhere near as far as I wanted to be by now, but I am still diligently striving. Please forgive me for the wrongs I have done you. Learn from me... be better than me. You ARE better than me... BE and DO better than me!

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Saturday Soliloquy 33: I am

I am... Tori.  So many desires burn in me.  Mostly, a desire to fulfill God's plan for me.  And how does one know how... or even how to find out what we're supposed to do?

Surely the best way is through prayer.  At times, though, the press of the world makes spiritual knowledge feel so... unsure.  When I've found myself in times like that, taking one step at a time is the only way to do what needs to be done.

I've learned a lot about myself as I've taken one step at a time.  Often stepping into what seemed to me to be complete darkness... emptiness.  And then, just as I imagine I'm going to fall into a chasm, my foot falls on something solid and I've made another step in the right direction.  Many times I've thought I was doing the wrong thing.  And I definitely have made my share of mistakes!  But since I turned my life over to God, even when I wasn't sure if I was stepping right, He has turned it for good.  Praise the Lord for that!

One thing I've learned in the last few months is that I am definitely a creator!  I love to make things.... create!

Preggie with our sixth baby... definitely creating!

Writing... um, yeah!  I'm a writer!  My Mom has known it for decades.  I definitely own it now.  I am a writer!

A painter.  I love to paint!  Mostly what I do is simplistic and abstract.  Definitely not the kind of gallery work I admire and wish I could emulate.  But I feel so satisfied with what I do create... I love painting!

Fiber arts... in particular crocheting for me.  It's just amazing to watch a string turn into a thing!

Clay... I love to make recognizable forms from balls or squares of stuff.

I am a creator.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Saturday Soliloquy #32 (I think): Lover's Lane, Dallas

Without fail, when I depart from the Temple, I feel full of love and desire to be with and hug my family.  Thankfully, I usually have my family with me when I go into the Temple.

As an aside, but related to this little tale, my children have been very keen to see my husband and me hold hands and/or kiss (especially on the lips).  They have called out, at times, things like, "Hold her hand, Daddy."  Or even, "Kiss her.  Kiss her on the lips!"  It was funny the first few times, but got old fast.

Driving to the Temple in Dallas, TX, we see the exit for Lover's Lane.  My children often point it out.  Tea, especially, would be likely to say something like, "Lover's Lane... ooooh, so romaaaantic!"

Leaving the Temple in June, I saw the exit sign just as I'd seen it on our way to the Temple a few hours before... just as I'd seen it twice every time we go.  This time, though, I decided to take it.  Since I was driving, I did.

The van was alive with a ruckus of questions about why I was doing what I was doing.  I didn't answer with anything that satisfied the children's curiosity.

I found a church with a parking lot near the Lane and parked our van so the children would be able to see why I'd taken the exit.

Jessie and I walked, holding hands (oooohhh, soooo rOMantIC) to a place in front of the sign so we could take a picture there.  That's all I wanted to do.

I'm not one for spontaneity, as a general rule.  I just had a feeling for fun and sweetness and went for it.  It turned out to satisfy both.  Yeay!

Interestingly, Jessie kissed me.  On the lips, even.  The children were about to need some smelling salts, I tell ya!

Good times.

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