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Saturday, January 23, 2016

Saturday Soliloquy 34: A Couple Negative Interactions Between Me and a Parent

*For the next few weeks the stories may seem random.  But they are from my life and that's rather the point of the whole series.  You have the upper hand now, you know... if you read my blog and especially these Saturday Soliloquy posts... you have the ability to potentially know me better than some of the folks that interact with me in real life.  And far better than I know you.  Drop me a line.  I'd enjoy hearing about you, too.

The Story for Today:
In the family in which I grew up in, there were lots of fights between my parents. And lots of fights among my siblings and me. And lots of fights between me and my Dad. And lots of fights between me and my Mom.
I have come to believe that much, if not most of this, springs from the generational curses of: a belief of lack, and a belief of worthlessness. This understanding does not excuse the fighting and cruelties... however it helps me feel peace to have a small understanding of how much more all of these experiences have to do with than just me and those with whom they occurred.
As I was becoming a young woman, I felt very much pitted against both of my parents. I don't fully understand this, to be completely honest. But I didn't agree with them all the time and I wouldn't back down from my position until I felt like they understood me. And since they almost never conveyed understanding, I kept fighting for my position... really, my right to be heard. Ria and Kat are beginning to do this. Even Tea. I hope I may change our dynamic so that you will not have to perpetuate this wrongness any longer. I pray I will succeed! (Feb. 13, 2014)
I cannot remember what the fight was about... in any case, really. I remember the results, though. Once time, my Dad grounded me from watching TV and playing with my babie dolls for the whole summer. The dolls went into the attic and I never really took them up once they came out. The TV... well, I still watched it. My Mom let me. I just had to sneak when my Dad was home.
That is an instance of my parents. My whole life it was like they were playing for opposing teams. I believe, in large part (now), that this was a result of my Mom's thoughts and feelings more than my Dad's. More subconscious than conscious, also. My Mom sets herself in competition with many people and often... without meaning to, I know, yet she still does it.
She has even done it with me... once, very soon after I realize how many children I was meant to provide bodies, I told her and she responded with something like: Yeah. I guess you figure since I could do six, you can do more, right? And her tone of voice was really nasty and mean. I was just shocked. I mean, I'd heard that same sort of thing come out of her mouth at my Dad, but not in that same way to me.
Also, my Dad told me, when I lived in thier home with my 4 children (preggie with EmJ) that he constantly felt like he was in competition with my Mom for spirituality... and he didn't know why. He didn't WANT to feel that way, he just did. I honestly believe he was feeling her reality, not his own desire.
There was another time that my Mom and I had a really negative interaction when I was pretty young... maybe 10... or 11? I ended up crying in my bed (top bunk), and she came in a pulled me out of it by my hair! Yes, by my hair. She called my Dad and he came home from work in the middle of the day. He was so very angry. Like I was the only one at fault... in reality, I think he should've been more angry with her because she wasn't acting like an adult, but definitely expecting me to NOT act like a child. ahwell
Perhaps, if you can remember a negative interaction between you and I, my child, perhaps it's something similarly unacceptable on my part.... perhaps knowing this interaction between my Mom and me, and the truly ridiculous and extreme punishment my Dad assigned... maybe this peek into my childhood will help you understand that I have not fallen far from my parent "trees". I sure am working hard to roll into newness through Christ. I really am. I'm nowhere near as far as I wanted to be by now, but I am still diligently striving. Please forgive me for the wrongs I have done you. Learn from me... be better than me. You ARE better than me... BE and DO better than me!

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