*For the next few weeks the stories may seem random. But they are from my life and that's rather the point of the whole series. You have the upper hand now, you know... if you read my blog and especially these Saturday Soliloquy posts... you have the ability to potentially know me better than some of the folks that interact with me in real life. And far better than I know you. Drop me a line. I'd enjoy hearing about you, too.
The Story for Today:
In
the family in which I grew up in, there were lots of fights between
my parents. And lots of fights among my siblings and me. And lots
of fights between me and my Dad. And lots of fights between me and
my Mom.
I
have come to believe that much, if not most of this, springs from the
generational curses of: a belief of lack, and a belief of
worthlessness. This understanding does not excuse the fighting and
cruelties... however it helps me feel peace to have a small
understanding of how much more all of these experiences have to do
with than just me and those with whom they occurred.
As
I was becoming a young woman, I felt very much pitted against both of
my parents. I don't fully understand this, to be completely honest.
But I didn't agree with them all the time and I wouldn't back down
from my position until I felt like they understood me. And since
they almost never conveyed understanding, I kept fighting for my
position... really, my right to be heard. Ria and Kat are beginning
to do this. Even Tea. I hope I may change our dynamic so that you
will not have to perpetuate this wrongness any longer. I pray I will
succeed! (Feb. 13, 2014)
I
cannot remember what the fight was about... in any case, really. I
remember the results, though. Once time, my Dad grounded me from
watching TV and playing with my babie dolls for the whole summer.
The dolls went into the attic and I never really took them up once
they came out. The TV... well, I still watched it. My Mom let me.
I just had to sneak when my Dad was home.
That
is an instance of my parents. My whole life it was like they were
playing for opposing teams. I believe, in large part (now), that
this was a result of my Mom's thoughts and feelings more than my
Dad's. More subconscious than conscious, also. My Mom sets herself
in competition with many people and often... without meaning to, I
know, yet she still does it.
She
has even done it with me... once, very soon after I realize how many
children I was meant to provide bodies, I told her and she responded
with something like: Yeah. I guess you figure since I could do six,
you can do more, right? And her tone of voice was really nasty and
mean. I was just shocked. I mean, I'd heard that same sort of thing
come out of her mouth at my Dad, but not in that same way to me.
Also,
my Dad told me, when I lived in thier home with my 4 children
(preggie with EmJ) that he constantly felt like he was in competition
with my Mom for spirituality... and he didn't know why. He didn't
WANT to feel that way, he just did. I honestly believe he was
feeling her reality, not his own desire.
There
was another time that my Mom and I had a really negative interaction
when I was pretty young... maybe 10... or 11? I ended up crying in
my bed (top bunk), and she came in a pulled me out of it by my hair!
Yes, by my hair. She called my Dad and he came home from work in the
middle of the day. He was so very angry. Like I was the only one at
fault... in reality, I think he should've been more angry with her
because she wasn't acting like an adult, but definitely expecting me
to NOT act like a child. ahwell
Perhaps,
if you can remember a negative interaction between you and I, my
child, perhaps it's something similarly unacceptable on my part....
perhaps knowing this interaction between my Mom and me, and the truly
ridiculous and extreme punishment my Dad assigned... maybe this peek
into my childhood will help you understand that I have not fallen far
from my parent "trees". I sure am working hard to roll
into newness through Christ. I really am. I'm nowhere near as far
as I wanted to be by now, but I am still diligently striving. Please
forgive me for the wrongs I have done you. Learn from me... be
better than me. You ARE better than me... BE and DO better than me!
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