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Saturday, August 6, 2016

Saturday Soliloquy 62: Things I Didn't See About My Husband

There are a number of things I refused to see.  It's good that I did because if I'd seen them for what they were, I wouldn't have married Jessie and wouldn't have been blessed to have the children I do have.  I love and adore my children.  I am glad I have the ones I have, so I'm glad I didn't see these things for what they were.
While I was in Australia, Jessie decided to buy a car.  He communicated with me about his decision and asked me what I thought.  I told him I was fine with it as long as it was NOT a red car.  He bought a red car.
Before he left on his cruise, I asked him to buy a ring for me in each port.  He did not.  I asked him, specifically, if he wanted to get me an "engagement" type ring to NOT get a diamond.  I asked for another stone, even my birth stone... but not a diamond.  I also told him I would prefer if any ring or rings that he bought me were NOT gold.
He did not buy me a ring at each port.  The ring he purchased as the engagement ring was both gold and diamond.
There are more examples I cannot recall this moment... from before we were married.  But basically, this tendancy to do exactly opposite my preferences has persisted throughout our marriage.  I'm still not sure what it is... why he does this.  
I know how it FEELS to me, though.  It feels like he doesn't care a bit for what I say.  And, unfortunately, that has proven true all too often.  It hurts.  I dislike it very much.  At this point, it's something I just accept, though unhappily most of the time.  When he's in one of the all-too-short "seasons" where he behaves as if he cares what I say by doing what I've said, I'm usually surprised.  Happily so, but also I feel very mistrustful of it.  I often wonder why he's doing what I said or asked for... or why he's doing it so quickly.  I dislike this feeling of mistrust, but it has definitely been earned.
At this writing, we have been married 12 years and together for 14 (this was about a year ago, now). I am not miserable with him any more.  I sure was for about two years... before we got preggie with EmJ and until relatively recently.
Interestingly and saddly enough, I'm pretty sure Jessie thought I was miserable with him for most of those early years.  Mostly because I was miserable with me.  My unhappiness with myself seeped out and he interpreted it as unhappiness with him.  Such a sad misinterpretation.  Easily rectified if he had only asked... and trusted/cared what my answer was.  But he didn't.
I'm relatively sure he interprets my current happiness as a result of him, too.  On a rare occassion, it may well be.  But overall, currently, I am simply happier because I'm happier with me.  I accept myself more than I ever have.  And once through the acceptance, I feel a gratitude and love for all that is me.  But not in a prideful or arrogant way.... I really think this feeling I feel more and more consistently is what we're meant to feel.  Some get there earlier than me... some later, but I really do think it's among the many stops Father has purposed for our journey here on earth!
Regardless, I'm glad that my comprehension of these things I didn't comprehend about Jessie was muddled or that I simply didn't see them at all.  I'm glad because , overall, I have an awesome family.  
And Jessie is a good man who can become a truly great man if he chooses to do so.  I hope he does.  But even if he doesn't, I'll stay married to him unless he gives me Biblical reason to depart.  And even then, I would have to make my decision based upon the circumstances, not just as a: I would definitely leave if he did___.  Because I just don't know what God would say about it!  There might be some really important reason to stay - even if staying meant that we lived completely separately.  I just don't know what the future will hold and I'm not willing to hold it hostage by my choices today.
I do believe there are some really important decisions to make before the question arises.  Like about substances one might potentially take into one's body (drugs, cigarrettes, alcohol, etc), how to behave with someone of the opposite sex both before and after marriage, how to deal with money when it's had, and more.  But for a marriage... I think it's easy to say one thing, but may not be easy to fulfill that determination if the circumstance plays out.
Regardless, I think Jessie and I will stay married until one of us dies... at least.

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