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I Am... Mama and Writer

First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Now This Is Getting Rediculous...

I've long had a problem with "looking my food in the eyes" as it were. That's how my DH puts it, too. Once, Jess made a chicken for dinner. Okay, so he's actually made chicken lots more than once, but this one time he served me half a chicken on a plate. Hmmm... Maybe I'm not making this clear... Jessie roasted a whole chicken, which smelled a-MA-zing, and then he cut it in half and put each half one a plate - then put it in front of me. I remember feeling REALLY hungry this particular night, but when I had the chicken in front of me I felt absolutely ill. The aroma was still wonderful, tempting, and mouthwatering... but I could NOT eat it. I picked off some meat, as Jess was watching me, and put it in my mouth. I could tell that it tasted wonderful, delicious, and met every expectation of its aroma, but I could eat NO more. Jess asked why I wasn't eating. I felt really foolish and sappy, but had to spill that I couldn't eat it because I could SEE the chicken! And when I say see, I mean SEE! In my mind I could see the chicken clucking and pecking at some corn (a la Cinderella) even though I KNOW that most of them never see the outside of a cage. Either image is haunting for me!

Do you know what I mean? I could SEE how it was before it was there - dead - on my plate. It's this sort of thing that made eating vegetarian the whole time I lived in Australia (okay, only 6.5 months, but still!) REALLY really REALLY easy! Also, of course, not having to PAY for meat made it easy, too.

Poor Jess. He doesn't understand at all. He's completely comfortable looking his food in he face... I suppose he needs to be since he IS a chef and prepares meats from LARGE bits that could be easy to tell where on the beast they came from (cow, pig, etc). He's also been out hunting and dealt with the animal he's killed FOR food (NOT sport!!). He's raised, killed, skinned (for leather), and eaten rabbits plenty. *sigh* I'm just not capeable in that way - at least, not now. Thankfully, I don't have to be!! I would like to add that Jess has become a bit more tender in that he feels a desire to thank the being for its sacrifice for our consumption (especially when he has seen its face).

But it's getting rediculous now, me thinks. You see, today I boiled some water for hot chocolate. (Because you KNOW how cold it is in Florida! No, seriously. It IS cold. Jess told me it was 41 F when he came home from guitar playing with some guys from Church! That's COLD!! At least for US, it is... so we're wimps now. Sue me. No, please don't!!!)

Back to the story: When I opened the pour spout part that whistles, out pops (almost literally) an ant. It was writhing and contorting it's three segmented body and I just felt HORRIBLE! I still feel horrible. I feel SO guilty. I feel all misty. My heart is all achey. And I actually want to CRY! I think, "I should've opened that thing before I turned on the heat." But argue, "How could I know there would be an ANT in my water kettle?" And back at myself, "But I should've checked anyway!" Once again: *sigh*

We've been co-existing with carpenter ants since we moved in here. At first it was ants, BIG spiders (which I admit I killed thinking to protect my daughters!), and rolly pollies. Unfortunately, Kat killed lots of the poor Rolly Ones because... well, she was trying to EAT them! I fear she was successful more than once. I did swipe polly carcases out of her little mouth a few times. UGH! Please keep in mind this was within the first year of living here and Kat was 3 weeks old when we arrived. Ria eventually took on the rolly polly police duty (no, I did not ask her, but she LOVES to be a police girl and/or "law" enforcer!) and Kat was rarely able to successfully accomplish her goal of bringing a rolly polly ALL the way to her mouth thereafter.

What's my point... I guess my point is that I feel foolish. Do you remember the rat? I still have problems with being an accomplice to its demise! Seriously. I thought as we get older we're supposed to become LESS sensitive as a result of life experiences. Not so with me and I feel at a loss. I don't know whether to be happy that I'm more sensitive to the plight of the beings around me OR worried because it means I'm just a little nuttier than I used to be. I suppose it could be a combo sort of issue. Ahwell....

TEA
Can you blieve my baby is already more than 4 months old?? I'm having a VERY difficult time processing this, on a daily basis. She's confidently sitting up now. She leans down to inspect her feet AND THEN pulls herself right back up. She's even leaned back (almost lying down!) and pulled herself to sit up again. She's SO strong!!!!

This little sweetie is enamored with her sisters and Daddy! I don't feel quite as loved, in a way. This goes back to the issue of Mama-always-being-there sort of thing. I know, but it still feels sort of... sad.

Coping
My Mom sends snail mail now and then to my girls. I love this because it keeps her present in thier minds even though she can't be in their every day physical world. Just today we received an envelope for the whole family (a special treat!). In it was a card for each person. Tea had a note on my card, Jess had his own card in an envelope, Ria had her own envelope with card inside and Kat received a beautiful flower picture (how did my Mom know Kat asked me to learn more about flowers in her learning log? I didn't tell.), but no envelope. I mention this because it was REALLY sweet in the actual occurance, though it might now be explained well enough to illustrate it (so I just specified it in case I don't do a good job). Ria carefully opened her envelope. I handed Kat her card and she looked at me with SUCH accusation in her eyes. "No!!!, want open it!" She was just SURE I had taken the pleasure of opening HER envelope away from her! Her Mimi (my Mom) is SO important and special to her. Kat asks at least 2-3 times a week to call Mimi. Often, lately, it's when I'm on the computer because Kat wants to Skype Mimi. I'm rarely able to patch her through - even to leave a message, but she continues to ask! What love!

In my note my Mom shared a coping mechanism that I already feel will be invaluable to me in wide application. So, I wanted to share it abroad in hopes that others with anxiety issues similar to mine (and even, perhaps, greater than mine) might be able to benefit. (I hope you don't mind, Mom!) So, she shared that sometimes the reason for the anxiety/worry/fear/concern/whatever is really valid. Regardless, I think this coping skill will be useful! My Mom's suggestion: If I find myself feeling any form of anxiety, I should determine to put away the concern until a specified time in the future (of my choosing). My Mom told me that when she did this, the issue was usually resolved before that time had arrived. I think it would be appropriate to have lots of hours between the starting time and the begin-worrying-again time. I've sort of done this to a small extent regarding Jessie getting home from work. But it has MUCH broader application value! I'm definitely testing this idea more!

Kat
On that note (her love of my Mom), I want to share something sweet and wonderful about Kathryn. She is turning into SUCH a compassionate and tender girl. She's still rough and tumble much/most of the time. Here's an example of the newest way she's been SO sweet: Kat sent to her room for some disobedience. Kat sitting on her bed loudly howling in tears. Ria sent to her bedroom for something similar. She begins crying loudly (for my benefit of course, in both cases). Kat howls only a moment after Ria's arrival. Then the decibal deminishes and I focus on the reason for the cease and desist on my ear drums. Kat is comforting Ria!!! Kat, "It's okay Ria. You're all right. Everything's gunna be otay." Her enunciation is not clear on all those words, but I don't think you would be able to decipher the meaning if I tried to trascribe it all via her pronunciation. :) Ria did calm down much more quickly than usual with Kat's comforting words and presence. What a joy to hear!

Ria
The end of last week and this week I determined to have very little homeschool going on. Mostly this is because I've been feeling overburdened and stressed out. And, well, because I can! My little smarty is ALMOST 5, but still not quite. And here she doesn't have to start school (or homeschool in our case) until the August/September of the year she turns 6... that's not until late next year!

Ria's definitely reading between a 2nd and 4th grade level (her latest series, A-Z Mysteries, says as much on the cover) WITH complete comprehension. She's counting to 100 easily, counting by 10s, learning to count by 5s... anyway. I think you get the picture.

It's been a surprise and pleasure to realize that Ria has a much stronger propensity toward/for work than I'd been feeling lately. I've RARELY asked her to practice piano, yet she's been playing OFTEN throughout the day each day for the last week! She's still slacking in her reading (compared to what she used to do and what I would like), but she's getting it done in a more timely fashion than a few weeks ago. She's still reading for pleasure and reading to Kat in addition to her assigned reading, too! Ria has also asked me to do Math with her. She's done that before, but the fact that she's STILL asking is REALLY good! She's still not interested in writing all that much, but she did say she wanted to write to her Grama T (my Grandma). Put that on the TO DO list. ^_^

Jess
He's trying to get one job to provide for our needs. We're hopeful. There are two or three opportunities that look like they may happen. If you think of it, please keep us in your prayers in this regard especially! Thank you, in advance.

Tonight he went out to play guitar at church. There are TONS of guitar players among the guys in our Ward, it seems. He had a good time. The funny thing, to him, was that everyone seemed to look to him for direction once he arrived. Not surprising to me. I think they were totally excited to have him. Jess is normally working at such a time, so this was just really REALLY random that he could attend. What a joy, though. I mean, usually he just goes off to do something alone (like fishing). It was SUCH a pleasure and fill-to-bursting-heart-feeling to know that he would be among GOOD men doing something he LOVES! I didn't even miss him most of the time he was gone (except for when I looked at the sink!) because I felt so happy that he was spending time with those good men! Dishes have been mostly Jessie's realm of responsibility lately because I just can't carry everything right now.

If I didn't keep the laundry almost completely done at all times... If I didn't have coupons I have get to find a home for... If I didn't have a nursling who still nurses REALLY often... If I didn't have homeschool stuff to worry about... If I didn't want to try to spend some ACTUAL time WITH my girls rather than just directing them... If all those things were a bit less consumptive of time or I was MUCH better at managing it all, I could do dishes TOO. But I have limits. Unfortunate, but true. So, the kitchen sink is my hot spot almost all the time! I'm definitely NOT perfect. But, of course, knowing me as you do, you already knew that, too!! ^_^

3 comments:

Heidi said...

I love your Christmas pictures! How cute!

FYI, I would put A-Z Mysteries at a second to third grade level but definitely NOT fourth. She sure is a good reader! If she likes A-Z, she might like the Magic Treehouse Series too. They are written at about the same level and also teach children some history since they are historical fiction.

vicki said...

MInds are an amazing thing! it is sad that people expect everyone to understand anything that they understand. When it seems so simple, but isn't for someone, maybe we oughta consider that their mind is DIFFerENt from ours.....for whatever reason. Thank God for the differences. Nah! it isn't ridiculous. It IS amazing to learn how yours is/was working. You do reveal that (how your mind works) in many of your blogs. love you, mom

Tori, Jessie, Ria, and Kitty Kat said...

Heidi:
Ria has already finished the Magic Tree House series. She enjoyed all of them - especially the fantasy ones (a reader after my own mind!). :) The A-Z books have on the cover that they are 2-4th grade reading level - I didn't make that conclusion myself.

Others have commented that she's definitely at least a 3rd grade reader. She started reading Saturday's Warrior recently, but didn't enjoy it (it sort of scared her) so I let her stop that one (very unusual concession in this house!). But she read and understood all of what she did read!

Mom:
Yes! I'm grateful for the differences, too! What a blessing to be able to have different opinions!!! ^_^

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