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I Am... Mama and Writer

First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

An Amazing Blessing and Gift

Yesterday I picked up the mail. Jess often, if not usually, does that. But it was really nice that I got to do it and that he wasn't around to witness the ugly blubbering of his pregnant wife. I read a note (which I always tear into straight away because it's SUCH a treat to me to get actual mail and not just bills or junk!!) and almost immediately tears were streaming down my cheeks. Soon after the tears came sobs that totally surprised me and alarmed Ria. The note itself was definitely enough to get me crying, but I do think that the sobbing was pregnancy induced. I have, actually, gotten MUCH better at being a bit more reserved in my shows of emotion (especially the ones that make people uncomfortable). If you've known me for a while, you KNOW what I'm talking about! ;)

Okay, so what got me sobbing uncontrollably? Well, a little back-story is rather necessary here... I know I mentioned in a prior post that we've been having a much more difficult time with finances since Jess isn't working the part-time gig anymore. We're actually doing so poorly that we are receiving food assistance from Church. If it weren't for the help we are receiving from them we wouldn't have fresh milk, fresh fruits & veggies, or any real meat AND we would MUCH more quickly be tearing into and eating up our food storage. That's what it's for, of course. And I'm SO very thankful for the blessing of the anxiety Father bestowed upon me to gather together food stuffs because it enables us to ask for far less from our Church than we would otherwise need to ask. Needless to say, probably, we have little money for anything beyond our bills. We're eeking by with gas and asking for rides as much as possible.

I'm working doing the ChaCha thing and trying to get other things going to make money. I'll receive my first paycheck, since quitting the teaching thing a few years back, in the next few days. That money is set aside for gas for the van and Dance class for Ria. The latter may seem odd, or even frivolous to some, but it is SUPER important to me for MANY reasons, but I'm going to share the main two reasons. #1 reason dance class is so important to me that I'm willing and DO sacrifice in many other areas personally and as a family: Ria is and will continue to be homeschooled. We don't have tons of opportunities for her to spend time with other children her age. We often cannot drive out to playgroup activities with the Mom's groups in the area and/or to other friends' from church.

#2 reason: I know that dance as an activity will cultivate in my daughter many desirable attributes and characteristics that would be difficult to help her attain without it. For instance, and as only one example, Ria LOVED being on stage! Would we have discovered this about her without dance and her opportunity to participate in the recital at such a young age?? I don't know... but I really REALLY don't think so! Attached to that attribute (her enjoyment of the "bright lights and applause") is the feeling I have that as long as she can look forward to recitals she will, in some way, retain her enjoyment of being in front of people in that way. I LONG for my children to be comfortable in front of groups where I totally was not and had to and STILL have to REALLY stretch to put myself "out" there.

I could go on and on about why dance class is super important as a part of Ria's home education, but I won't. Basically, because the van sucks up tons of gas, that and the dance class will eat up my meager earnings from ChaCha, so I was trying to come up with more ways I could earn money to pay for our midwife. (Thus the blogging for money and searching for writing work.)

The whole issue was causing me great anxiety, which I was using to feed my work on the ChaCha thing and search for more work. I can't illustrate completely the amount of time I've sat on my butt in front of this computer lately. I wonder if I'm going to develop bedsores! No, not really... I DO still walk almost daily. But my butt REALLY does hurt by the time I go to bed around 2 or 3am (I do most of the consistent work I'm able to get done between around 9pm and 2am or later). In addition to the seriously late nights, I also do the ChaCha thing when the girls are watching their after-Ria's-reading-class-movie. If they happen to take a nap together, I work. If they are playing nicely together, I work. It's been stressful and I've felt like SUCH a bad Mama because I've spent so little time with my kiddos and so much time saying, "Ok, I'll be there in a minute." :( I know I'm not a bad Mama, but the feeling is still there. Ya know? Anyway... the point?

Well, yesterday we received in the mail, which I was so lucky to have to pick up!, a very sweet note from an anonymous benefactor. In the communication their love was extended and they expressed their desire to assist us in paying for our midwife. They'd heard we were in a difficult situation and didn't know how we'd get the money to finish payments (due at 36 weeks gestation, which is speedily approaching!). They'd been pondering for a while how they should use the "free" money from the government, which they'd recently received. When they realized our situation, they explained, they felt their answer was in that information. So, they sent the money on to us... and as of the next time we see our midwife, we will be: PAID IN FULL!!!! Can you believe it? Isn't that amazing and wonderful and... a MIRACLE!?!?!!?

If that's not the most awesome and amazing thing... let me add a bit more detail to help convince you. ;) The night before (Fri. night) I'd knelt in earnest prayer and tearfully shared my heart with Father. I truly feel that we really are doing the best we can and that I, personally, didn't feel that I could do any more than I was doing (by then I'd already added looking for additional writing work and such). I explained that and immediate I felt the complete peace and a sense of, "It's going to be all right," communicated to my mind. This feeling totally did NOT jive with my mental figuring, but I've had enough of miracles in my life (especially since just before and since our move here) to know that I should trust in the feeling rather than continue to try to figure it out. And then the special piece of mail happens the very next day!

Now, I know that the note and check were already in the mail when I said that prayer. But, you see, to me the miracles Father has bestowed upon me and my family are SO much in timing! For instance, someone may have been planning something for a while, but then they DO it for us right after I made a wished in my heart or prayed specifically about it. And, to me, that's still an enormous and amazing miracle!

We are tremendously blessed! I'm so grateful to those who have blessed our lives - in this moment I feel surging love for the benefactor who has acted as an Instrument in the Father's Hands in blessing us with the gift of decreased stress and anxiety over payment of our midwife by providing it for us! Thank you!!!!

As an ending note... I feel SO much less anxiety and so much MORE motivated by desire (rather than anxiety) to continue working ChaCha and to continue efforts to find additional (and hopefully significantly better paying) work to fill in the current gap in our finances. This is a wonderful and exciting feeling to/for me because in the past, when anxiety has been relieved (in situations similar, in any way, to what we're in now), I didn't feel the need or motivation to continue previous efforts. This time I feel inspired and just plain ol' motivated to keep going! That, too, is a HUGE blessing of this gift and I'm tremendously, heart-full-to-exploding grateful!!!! ^_^

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