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I Am... Mama and Writer

First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Monday, April 28, 2008

A Good, Bad, and Okay Weekend

Saturday we were very busy, thus no post for the day. Jess signed us up to clean our Church building Saturday morning. We were home around noon-ish and had lunch. I was up too late Friday night, so I napped while Jess and the girls watched a movie. When I woke up it was time to depart for our monthly temple trip! It was a really nice trip. Unfortunately I didn't realize the temple closed early on Saturday. It didn't help matters at all that I thought it was FRIDAY! Go figure! But we still had a really lovely time.

Sunday was a bit less wonderful, but started out fine. If you've ever been around a smoker trying to become a non-smoker, you'll understand what I'm about to say. If you haven't, you may thing I'm just being nasty... but you'd be wrong! So, I'm not being nasty when I say that Jess was super mean and snipey toward me about a real problem. He was adressing an issue he had with something, which is TOTALLY his right, but he did it in an attacking manner. Now, this has, in the past, sort of been MY M.O. I realize this and have been striving to change the way I address problems. However, even if/when I've done it, Jess has a whole different life, as it were, with work and his associates there to distract his thoughts from my wrong behavior. I, however, do not - so much. I find ways to distract myself, but they are not mentall absorbing most of the time. :( So, I was a bit peeved about the attack. I knew why is happened in the way it did (smoker => non-smoker stuff), but that didn't alter the hurtfulness of it.

We've discussed it a little and we're all right. Thus, it's all okay in the end. Actually, Jess was super happy today when he came home for lunch. He even held a little bit of an informal FHE with Ria. The subject being gratitude for the food we have. She's commented that she didn't like the eggplant in the stir-fry I'd made. He responded that he thought it was wonderful. She asked if it was special and he told her is WAS special because Mama had made it. He went on to say that Mama hadn't just opened a box or can, but had spent her time chopping the veggies, cooking the rice, preparing the sauce and then cooking it all up just for us (as he siad it) and that's special. I was getting sort of teary eyed because Jess doens't really praise or even encourage my cooking much at all. But to hear that he was grateful for the work was something special for me!! (I actually read a post in my sister's blog about how her hubbie praises her cooking and felt sort of sad and wishful because I've tried to communicate the desire I have for that sort of encouragement!) ahwell... Jessie's response, "I'm not the same sort of guy." hahaha Of course not! I wouldn't have chosen Chris, but DID choose Jess!!!* I'm sure he's feeling very accomplished in his non-smoking pursuit. He's doing REALLY well with it!!! Saturday he used only 2 lozenges and Sunday, well, I don't actually know the day total, but he'd only used one in the morning that I was aware of. So, he certainly has a great deal to feel pleased with!

*I've been meaning to mention, as an explanation of why I chose the title for our blog that I did! So, since I realized the sentence prior to the star was a bit of an allusion to is, I thought I would comment on it here! :) Aren't yall so VERY lucky!?? You get to enjoy some of my marvelous and exciting prose! heeheehee ^_^

When I met Jessie, working on EIGHT years ago now, I was planning to live my 10-year-plan. I'd put together an outline of the things I would be doing for the next 10 years. It was pretty specific, but I've purposefully let most of those specifics escape my memory... self-preservation, perhaps? Anyway, on my list of things to do I DO remember graduating with my Bachelor's Degree, working for JET, entering and serving with the PEACE CORPS, obtaining my Master's Degree, and pursuing my PhD. There was, obviously, a lot more on the plan than I'm including here because I've forgotten most of the other stuff. But I did accomplish the graduation and I still plan to pursue both Master's Degree and PhD in due "season" and this is definitely NOT it. ;) As most mother's who plan to have more babies would likely agree.

Nowhere in that plan was there room for a long-term-guy or relationship BECAUSE I'd just lived in Japan and turned 25 there. They have a saying, which is TOTALLY bogus, which goes something like, "EVERYone wants Christmas cake before Christmas... and even ON Christmas, but you canNOT give the things away afterward!" How does this relate? Well, as it happens... VERY directly! My Okaa-san had mentioned this VERY often and told me that I would be Christmas Cake! Well, being the person I am with the iffy self-esteem I have and ESPECIALLY HAD, I agreed to this idea. (Have you read The Five Agreements? Pretty interesting stuff.) So, I was sure I would be an old maid and determined to be happy with me as I was and with that understanding of myself for the future. I'd already made my 10-year plan, but in my head there was the room in it for changes for a relationship/marriage. After my time in Japan I didn't have that room in my mind.

After coming back to the US from Japan, I wanted someone to spend time with, go to movies with, and cuddle with until I went to Australia (about 9 months later). So, I did the www.matchmaker.com deal. I'd used it before I went to Japan and met a bunch of interesting fellas and determined to use it for the free period (which is pretty substantial once you post a picture). Anyway, as "fate" would have it, Jess found me on matchmaker during my second to last free week and during HIS last free week; at the end of January. I'd made "rules" for myself in using matchmaker. One rule, in particular, was that I would not respond to a guy who answered a standard question about what he was looking for with "A one night stand" and in his profile Jess TOTALLY broke that one. But I still read the "essay" responses he had in his profile and then, worse yet, WROTE BACK TO HIM. WHY???? Well, I obviously CHOSE to do it. The reason I made such choice was because I had this overwhelming urging inside. In my current understanding of spirituality, I would refer to this as a prompting from the Holy Ghost. But I just felt compelled to write to him.

So, we began writing to one another. With EVERY other guy I'd written back to the GUY had alawys asked to meet me within the first couple days. I wasn't cool with that... it just felt sketchy. So, I'd always told the guys I just wanted to get to know them better first. With Jess, I asked HIM to meet ME on the second day of emails. He told me he couldn't! because he had to do LAUNDRY! HA What a joke, right? Well, I accepted it because he included with that info that he was departing for a 2 week cruise the next day. Okay. I told him I write to him while he was gone and we'd meet when he came back. I don't think he believed me. But I did.

He came back and called me. Unfortunately, even though I'd thought he would be calling (even though he wasn't supposed to be IN until the next day!) I accepted the invitation from another guy to go out... and he was TOTALLY into me... also very uncomfortable when the feelings are not reciprocated. So, I was annoyed and bummed to find out Jess had called while I was out with a guy who was trying to hold my hand... when all I wanted was to wait at home for Jess to write! And then I tried calling him back and couldn't reach him (they were online).

We met the next day. Jess almost stood me up!!! His roommate told him he better go because, "You might meet your soul-mate" so he went. As it happens, he went home from that meeting and called his best friend in Idaho and told Darren that he'd just met the girl he was going to marry. I was NOT there, by any means, but I did really dig the dude I'd just met.

Anyway... we dated and after about 2 weeks I realized/visualized my path had arrived at a fork. I felt strongly about Jessie, but wasn't allowing myself to sort of "leap," if you know what I mean. The catalyst to my choice: I asked my Mom what she thought of him. She has no recollection of her response, but she told me, "I think he's the right guy for you, Tori." I was not expecting this sort of response! In the past she'd always just told me what she thought of him as a guy and I'd had to press for what she thought of the guy for ME. Anyway, I know NOW that this response was Heavenly Father's way of reaching me... I wasn't exactly sensitive to the Spirit back then!

With my Mom's words in my mind I contemplated what I would do with my future. Should I made room for some guy?? Well, I decided that it would be perfectly acceptable to let myself love him, rather than "fall in love" as most people describe the feeling. So, as I was standing at the divide I decided to CHOOSE to love Jess. Afterward I asked Jess what he thought of making a sweet little acronym something special to share between us. He like it. It's "ICU" and has a double meaning. ICU literally stands for "I Choose You" and it also represents the idea of being able to SEE each other for who we are, as in "I See You."

Well, as you will understand if you have been in a relationship through the 7-year-itch! you cannot know during the first lovey-dovey time of the first year to three what will come!!! heeheehee But, COME the STUFF did! 2007 was our 7 year itch (and our councelor says this is a REAL phenomenon, it's not just a dumb saying or idea... and afterward there's a re-adjusting/shifting every 5 years). And BOY was it ITCHY!!! Does this mean I WANTED to leave or cheat like most people think when talking about the 7-year-itch? Uh, do you KNOW me???? My official answer is, "DUH, OF COURSE NOT!!!" However, last year was really horrible for/on me in lots of ways and I felt totally uncomfortable with our relationship... thus, itchy!! (Aren't YOU uncomfortable when you're itchy??) Anyway, so, I had to determine what I would do under the circumstances of being horribly uncomfortable in/with my marriage. Well, my decision is represented by the words of the title of my Blog!

I keep choosing us! Obviously Jessie does, too, or he would've dropped me/us. Thus, WE KEEP CHOOSING US. ^_^ So, there's the long and... LONG of it! heeheehee ;) Hope you had fun with the walk down memory lane! I've enjoyed sharing... without all the details that used to be characteristic of TORI, eh? heehee

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