Thoughts

Thursday night was nice. It was good to have Jess home. However, I didn't go on a walk at all, much less alone. The weather was iffy, but had he been at work, I would have totally gone. I guess I just wanted to be around my hubbie!

He made a great dinner. THAT was sooo nice. I miss his cooking almost as much as I miss HIM during the week!! ;)

For the last 5 weeks now I've been walking a minimum of 5 days a week and trying to make it 6. It seems that adding that one extra day just doesn't work. It certainly hasn't yet! The reason for not being able to walk the 6th day is not the same each week, but still it doesn't work out! So, I'm changing my goal. I'm sticking with walking 5 days each week, since that totally works (even if it is a bit difficult sometimes). But now I'm going to walk a minimum of 80 minutes. I figure that after walking 80 minutes each day I'll have accumulated more than the 60 I normally do as my minimum for EACH day! I've been walking 70+ minutes each day this week, so it only makes sense to raise the bar in a way that is tangible. ^_^ I'm excited to work toward this new goal.

Oh, I'm also still trying to walk the bridge 3 days each week and then do intervals on the other 2 days. The intervals are quite challenging, though, and I may alternate weeks. Like, one week do 3 interval days and 2 bridge days and vice versa. Definitely a worthy challenge since I want to strive for more challenging intervals. Right now I warm up for 5 minutes at an easy pace, *push it for 15 seconds, easy/moderate (depending on my energy level of the day) for 60 seconds*, and repeat between *s until I reach 30-40 minutes (also dependent upon energy level AND shin splint pain).

I'm excited to report that I'm beginning to feel a deep love of being a Mama. I think I've been an all right Mom for the last 5 years (counting Ria's gestation). But the whole role has been daunting and extremely overwhleming for me. (I realize both of those words have nearly the same meaning, but the feeling each conveys is just different enough that I felt I needed them both!) I think that these negative feelings have had a great deal to do with my responsibility issues... I feel responsibility keenly and it tends to overshadow enjoyment (in general, but it especially has in Motherhood).

I know I've mentioned Sage before. Well, I feel like she has really made a dramatic impact in my life and perceptions of things since I moved here, but especially since I've been lucky enough to get to know her. She is an AMAZING Mom! She loves being a Mom and cherishes ALL of her children without seeming overwhelmed by the responsibility of taking care of them.

When I was in the in-between ages (in between young and the full-on teens) I wasn't sure my Mom liked me very much. I could tell she liked AND loved her babies and I knew she LOVED me, but I didn't feel very well LIKED. I also don't remember my Mom being happy very often. My Mom is amazing and wonderful and she did a really great job raising 6 children. I remember once telling my Mom that I didn't want to have the frowny wrinkles that she had; that I wanted to be a happy Mom. Well, I haven't been.

The majority of my memories of my Mom and feelings surrounding all that I've just described come from when I was around 10/11/12 because the long-term stuff is pretty much shot full of GAPING holes. I want to specifically mention this fact because I'm sure there are lots of wonderful things and happy moments that I don't and cannot remember!

Anyway... I've seen myself doing what I remember... and not being pleased about it, but then feeling sort of hopeless about changing because I haven't known HOW to change... what to do... how to change my thinking... it was just very... ... ... .... Well, I don't know how to describe how I felt about myself and my inability to change, really. The point is that about 2 weeks ago Heavenly Father blessed me with a sort of blanket KNOWING gift of inspiration! I realized that to stop the way things were going between Ria and me and to become a "Happy Mom" I just had to DO IT. (Nike... and one of our past prophets!) Anyway... with the support of our Father in Heaven I haven't yelled at Ria since then. I've purposefully lowered my voice, even to a whisper, when I have felt frustrations about which I needed to speak to her. I've stopped before speaking so that I could let go of the annoyance before I said a word (HUGE for me!!!) and then spoken to her with no emotion in my words/reaction. I've been even MORE consistent than I was before (and I really felt this was a pretty strong attribute). Missing Story Time was a huge step for me as far as the whole "Say what you mean, mean what you say" thing goes. I've always known that saying and really abided by it pretty well, but when it came to library visits, I would not really follow through reliably because I was afraid of turning Ria off of books/reading/libaries. Well, I figured, last week, that our relationship and ability to relate was more important that all that! So, we missed Story Time because Ria's behavior was not fit for departure from our home.

My poor Ria hasn't known what to do with all this. I understand that when we strive to change the "Universe" revolts. Ria, as part of that universe, has definitely revolted. She has tested more and harder in the last 2 weeks than ever before in her life. She has thrown more "monkey-actin" temper tantrums than I care to remember. She has spent lots of time in her room for back-talking and other bits (and BIGs) of disobediences. And it seems like she's been a lot more of these things with her Daddy than normal as well! I think the reason for this last part is that she couldn't get a reaction from me, but he was still susceptible. He was still reacting the old way and that's the way she's become accustomed to, so it was comfy... so she pushed for it.

Last night I had a talk with Jess and Ria (seperately) about all this. I appologized to Ria for being the kind of Mama I used to be and told her I'm really REALLY trying to change and that Daddy is going to do the same now that I've talked to him about it. She will probably still push... she's a part of the universe. But, with the Lord's help, I think we're moving toward being a new kind of family. And I'm so very excited about it!!!

Tonight I was lying in bed (helpin Kat to fall asleep) and I just felt this overwhelming feeling of something that I can only define as "joy of motherhood." This is a feeling I've only rarely had before. But I'm sure, as we continue to grow and improve, I'm going to have this feeling LOTS more often BECAUSE I'm determined to LOVE being a Mama. And I'm also determined to be a mostly "happy Mom!"

I decided to share all of that because I hope that someone else might gain some hope from my experiences! Life can be so heavy sometimes... but if we can see someone else sort of bearing up under the weight, then it can help us to feel stronger too! At least, that's how I feel!! This is exactly why Sage is so precious to me... I see her bearing her load in a way that seems effortless (though I know she would disagree) and feel SO motivated and inspired by her. I hope I can grow up to be almost just like her! I can't be a return missionary like her, but perhaps I can emulate the other wonderful aspects that are SAGE! ^_^