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I Am... Mama and Writer

First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Friday, July 4, 2008

In the 90's Now

Can you believe I'm down to double digits in the wait for the arrival of this new bundle of love?? We are sooo very excited!

Friends Visit
Philline and Genevieve came over to visit this afternoon. It was lovely, as it always is to visit with this dear friend! I had the opportunity to show Philline the new baby's blanket in progress. I laid it out for her to look at the pattern and she complimented me on it. (It's wonderful to hear those comments because I don't get much feedback on my work. ^_^) Kat was sitting nearby and said, "Baaaaybeee." This one word signifies her understanding that this item is being made for the new baby. We talk about it regularly and she's always super excited about the prospect of the new baby. Actually, Kat is quite baby crazy! ANY time she sees a baby when we are out and about, she just HAS to have a peek and touch (if she can get away with the touch part)!

Computer and Cookies
I've actually been on the computer a few times already today. Why, when I said I was thinking it would be nice to avoid it? Well, as a matter-of-fact, I've been looking up recipes. Believe it? Or not. I was hoping to find a recipe for cake mix cookies to make chocolate cookies out of another base of cake mix. I didn't have success, so went ahead and experimented. It turned out WONDERFULLY!!!! I'll have to find the recipe I used and the alteration I made and share. It's a wonderful food storage recipe, too (if you keep cake mixes in food storage as I do)! A little while later the girls asked for some more cookies, but I'd already portioned and frozen the rest of the chocolate ones (thanks for the suggestions "Cookie Mom, Evelyn"), so I was thinking it would be kinda cool and fun to try to make some sort of cookie out of the JIFFY corn muffin mix I have. (I also have a few of these in food storage and I would like to have some interesting variants to the standard mix use for the future.) I did not find a recipe that looked appealing AND for which I had all ingredients. So, I'm going to do another experiment. I'll have to share the results at a later time as I haven't yet made THOSE cookies.

With the realization of the deterioration of our financial situation comes stress. We've been here before. I recognize the signs and even saw them before they were upon us. But that doesn't mean it is much (if any) more tolerable - the feeling of this situation. Jess has been feeling the stress a LOT lately. I am, too, of course, but I've been feeling it for quite a while longer since I could see that it was approaching. I'm also a bigger worrier, so I'm sure that has a bit to do with the longer life of my added stressed feelings. It's all very frustrating.

On the positive "side," I'm actually doing okay (especially compared to my coping abilities in the past!!). I think I shared that I actually yelled one day - this happened a week or more ago now. But I haven't yelled since then, though I've gotten closer than I like! But this is REALLY huge for me because I tend to be a stick of dynamite with a VERY short lead and multiple explosion points in the one stick when I'm under/feeling stress.... So, the fact that I've felt "yelling angry," but NOT actually yelled is SUPER progress for me.

As I wrote this preceding paragraph, I realized how much I really REALLY need to validate my accomplishment in this area TO myself more than actually tell anyone else. But... in many ways sharing in this forum - online, not knowing who will care and read it all - feels MUCH more validating than just telling myself in my head that I'm really doing a good job. I believe I am not feeling prideful. Rather, I'm just trying to encourage myself to keep it up, rather than get discouraged (my MO) and return from whence I've come. So, I'm growing up... about time, eh?

Philosophizing - might want to skip if you're not into this sort of thing
I've thought so much about the anger I feel so easily/readily and I know I've shared some of these thoughts. Today I was talking to my wonderful friend, Philline, about the anger in my life and how I feel about my progress or lack thereof. And she was so awesome and supportive and commended me on all the BIG changes I've been working on all at once. She specifically mentioned the exercise/weight loss and anger/yelling changes. Those are, probably, THE two biggest in all that I feel I'm trying to do, so it felt really nice and very encouraging that she could discern them. She was talking about how my progress makes her feel that she should do more with certain things/changes in her life. I had to share with her some of the philosophy that has deeply motivated my change of the yelling thing, in particular, because I think sharing what motivates us can help motivate others, too. And so, I share it here, too. :)

There is this saying that we, each and every one of us, is where we are because we stand on the shoulders of those who went before us. I believe this is definitely true. I have imagined to myself that sometimes, though, we aren't quite on the shoulders of those who came before because those progenitors didn't have the knowledge or strength to get us quite that high. So, in addition to any climbing we would be naturally inclined to and able to do, we might have to do a little more (or lot) to get to a place of equal "height" as a peer or even a sibling. Now ALL of this doesn't, in actuality, lead into the idea that has been super motivating for me, but rather it is all connected in some way in my mind through thoughts and philosophizing... so it might help another.

The thing that has motivated me is this: I want to lift my children above my head. I don't want them on my shoulders!! I want to feel that I have done enough, striven hard enough, pushed myself as hard as possible so that my children will not have ANY thing to overcome. I want them to be above me in EVERY respect before they ever even begin on their own path. Even in this, though, I realize that they will likely perceive a lower starting point than I do because they will recognize some problem I have "embedded" in them through daily life or whatever, and that it will be something that they will have to compensate for and/or overcome that I might not have realized as a problem because, RELATIVELY speaking, it is something I couldn't even conceptualize BECAUSE it was so "small" compared to the hurdles I jumped while pushing them higher than I could ever get! And then I think that this is almost always the case for parents!!!

I DO know that there are exceptions. There are actually parents out there who (whether they realize it or not) actually purposefully impede their children's progress and ability to progress because if they see their child succeed where they did not, they feel like less of a person. This is, admittedly, a sick psyche because, as any good parent who is mentally WELL knows, our children SHOULD be better than we are in EVERY respect - IF we've been good parents! And none of this means that they should necessarily be better off financially... or better off in any specific way - just that they will be better in some, perhaps even EVERY, measurable way (from OUR perspective) <- and THAT is the key, I think!!!

And it is ALL about perspective and relativity, really. Amazing how fully integrated so many theories are and can be through life in general!!! ^_^ And as I get "higher" (older, really) I can see the connections SO much more clearly. Like the "Moth Man" on the skyscraper, right? So interesting!

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