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I Am... Mama and Writer

First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful to be fully free of PostPartum Depression for the first time.  My fifth baby is 4.5 months old and, if I remember correctly, it's hit prior to now in each preceeding postpartum period.  I'm so grateful to hope that it will stay away for good.

Monday morning, during my walk, I imagined a series of scenes... almost like a movie in my head.  I saw my past experiences with postpartum depression (especially the first time around!) as if I was mauled... slowly and painfully ripped at, and eventually fully eaten by a big, bad, horriblyhideous dog of hell.  I was still aware as I traveled through the digestive system of the hell dog and, yes, still aware as I was pooped out.  As poop in a pile, I was conscious and did, at times, feel a desire to give up and just be poop.  But even though the changes (through the whole process) were so super slow and took so long it felt like forever... the piles of poop next to each other melded together and eventually reformed into me... but different.  Very different.  So, I'm not the glamourous phoenix, for sure... but at least I know where I've been and what I am.  What we all are, really.  Cause that phoenix was originally poop, too.... way back.

Anyway... I felt like I should share that "movie" right after I saw it.  I felt like, maybe, if someone else feels like poop in a similar way... well, maybe they'd feel able to share with me... because I also saw that Heavenly Father allowed me those tortures (and those I still endure, just happen to be free of PPD!) so that I could sit in the darkness with another... that I might be able to bring some comfort and hopefully light to their darkness.  I sure hope so.  I know there were so few who could endure my darkness...  those few who did dare... well, even if they might hate me in the future, I will adore them to my dying day!

I believe Heavenly Father takes those He takes through valley so that they are able to guide others through... sorta like trail blazers.  Those they guide could rely on God just as the trail blazers did... but perhaps choose not to?  I'm not really sure about that part, but I definitely yearn to help others through faster than what I've endured.  I know *a* way and sure hope to share it with anyone who may be willing to listen!  ^_^

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