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First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Friday, December 6, 2013

A Little More on Expectations

I had absolutely NO expectation of any comments, as, for whatever reason, they are super rare.  I love comments and love to interact with those who read my blog... reading comments and then responding either in the comments or in a new blog post.  Maybe it has something to do with ME.  I mean, people seem pretty put off by ME a LOT... so perhaps it's just an extension of the same... so I don't get lots of comments.  I don't love it, but I figure I write here more for myself and my Mom and siblings than for anything else... so it's all right.

And then I was blessed with TWO comments on one little post!  And I love them!!!  Such super thoughtful comments.  So meaningful and WOW!  I'm amazingly grateful!

So, of course, I have to respond in part because it's a worthwhile conversation and in hopes that my past commentors will want to continue the conversation, too.  :)  And, I guess, I do hope there might be others that would like to take the minutes necessary to share a few thoughts, suggestions, questions.  No expectations!  ;)  Just hoping....

By way of reply to my lovely commentors:

In my opinion, goals an expectations are sorta different animals.  I know expectations CAN be about oneself, but for me, expectations are almost always about others.  While goals, on the other hand, are about me.  And I set goals.  Often I do not accomplish them, but I strive toward accomplishment of them.  Sometimes more consistently than others, but the effort is there.

The point was made that moderation is the key when it comes to expectations.  I do agree, in a way.  If, however, your expectations have been consistently NOT met and, in fact, COMPLETELY disregarded (I'm talking a DECADE, now)... well, I think this may be an indication that having any expectations of such a person is truly unwise.  Why?  Because the person obviously doesn't care.  AND when we have expectations, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.  If we have been shown over the coarse of a decade or more that someone doesn't care about your feelings... well, perhaps it's best to release all expectations for and about that person.

Being realistic and flexibile aren't even considerations in the scenario I'm thinking of.  The expectations are realistic.  They are even agreed upon.  Consistenly, the person who agrees to the WHATEVER chooses NOT to do what they said they would do.  This is a case of compelete lack of care and respect.  It hurts.  Since the situation is not changeable, the only option is to release expectations of/for/about that person and do any/all changing I can do in and for me.

My other commentor brought up the point of the way they have been treated... she thinks it may have been poorer treatement than she should've had if she had expected better.  Well, my sister, I guarantee you that your expectations will not make a bit of difference to someone who doesn't care to start with.  If they care, your expectations will not be their motivating force, it will be their own internal desire to do better.  Now, I'm not referring to children here.  I believe that if we are clear, good high expectations can be a benefit to children.  I'm referring to other adults.  And, perhaps especially, adults who are male.

I really believe it is internal motivation that drives me - not their wives.  Does a man want to prove his love for his woman?  THAT will motivate him.  Not a woman asking her man to show her he loves her.  If he believes he's done all he can do, he will do not more.  If he believes he has done all he needs to do, he will do no more no matter how his wife/girl/lover communicates that what he has done is not what she needs.

We cannot allow or disallow another adult (especially men) to do anything.  The only way the majority of them is motivated is by their own pride.  Even among the most loving gestures, in most cases, their own selfishness and/or pride is the actual motivation... not me... not you... not some higher motivator.  Sad?  But true.

Expectations of other adults only create opportunities for pain; especially if the adult(s) with whom you must relate and/or interact have any sort of mental illness.  This is what I believe based on where I am in my journey at this time.  It is what has been proven true more consistently than most anything else.

Just my two cents, of course.  And that's what I have to say about that.  ;)

1 comment:

Lia Wright said...

Wow!!! I like your post. This is true that realistic and flexibile are not considerations in the scenario.


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