Confessions

So, Jessie found out last night (Sunday), when he called to see when to come in to work today, that he wasn't needed.  The boss knew Jess was looking for employment that would meet our needs better, so he  (the boss) was looking for someone to stick with him and replace Jessie.  Unfortunately for us, the boss won that race.  Not surprising, really, but it's still upsetting and stressful.

I confess that I was feeling SUPER down today as a result of this turn of events.  I was trying to keep my head up while furiously "doggy-paddling" in my mind.  The doggy-paddle amounted to some circular thinking that wasn't helpful to my situation.  I called my Mommy.  I sobbed, cried, verbally vomited, cried, confessed some feelings of resentment, cried some more, confessed my frustration with the situation and the repetition of it, cried, sobbed, and finally got myself together.

Before that 'fessing time, I was really down.  I read two emails that were lovingly sent by sweet sisters, but which I interpreted as negatively as possible in the initial reading of them.  I was feeling dark and projected onto the senders dark intent.  After the confessings to my Mama, I was able to think clearly about those emails and send responses that were loving - or, at least, which I was hoping would be received as loving because I was FEELING loving when I wrote.

My Mom, before our conversation ended, said she wished there was something she could do or some direction she could give to help our situation.  But, really, just listening with no judgement (as my Mom is GOOD for) was exactly what I needed!  I needed to just let go of what I was harboring in my mind and heart and not feel like a horrible person in the letting.  That accomplished, I was free to be me... the better me that I want to be.  What a GIFT and BLESSING to have such a Mama as I have!  What a tremendous example to me!  I sure LOVE my Mom!!!

Later in the day I tried calling one of the three contacts I'd made at the Boy Scout Round Table at which I spoke about the ICES Host Family opportunity.  As a result, I'm hopeful that I may have 1 Host Family lined up.  At the very least, if the family doesn't end up hosting, the Lord is giving me a "bone," as it were; something to extend my hope that I might be able to find a host family or a few before the students need to fly over here.  I yearn to serve my Lord and God and I know that He has directed me to this work.  He desires that I should have contact with whomever ends up in my care, for whatever reasons He has.  I yearn to fulfill His plans for me.  Yet I'm reliant, in this circumstance, upon others' desires.  It seems that those with whom I have contact do NOT have desires which include hosting a foreign exchange student!  ahwell.  God's Got It!!!  :)  I'm working to Let Go, Let God!

Last week we began singing HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION (you can hear and read the hymn at this link!)for our main practice Hymn in devotionals.  It has been SUCH a blessing and a comfort to ME in these past few days!  (I felt REALLY tremulous Spiritually after coming home from the Buddy Walk Saturday and sang Hymn 85 to myself and Jimmy in the van and I felt SO much better afterward!)  I'm so grateful for the truths available to us through the Hymns and in the Scriptures!!  God is our perfect provider, I bless His name!