It's so high school... but I just found out that someone I've liked and wanted to know better just really does NOT like me. When I saw her Sunday at church she was basically the same as always. Come to find out, she thinks I'm a know-it-all, she thinks I talk too much (as in, won't let her say anything during a conversation), she's sure that I want to tell her exactly what she should do with homeschooling (rather than share information, which is all I really ever want to do when I know things about things I think others might not know), she thinks I'm chemically imbalanced because it runs in my family, she specifically mentioned some problems with one of my brothers that I totally do NOT talk about regularly and I'm pretty sure I only spoke about it with her because I was super upset about it at the time and I thought I could... and she's just flat out is not interested in being around me - which I certainly could not tell when I saw her at church on Sunday.
Now, I've heard that this sort of thing is common in my Ward, but this is my first personal interaction/experience with it. I'm sad. This certainly does not help my feelings of loneliness! I think I've determined a couple of things to do to sort of deal with it so I won't be in this position again. One: I'm going to be more careful about who I share things with, FOR SURE! Two: I'm going to pull back from the women with whom this particular one associates. This won't be too terribly difficult as they don't reach out to all that many people... mostly, in my observation, you have to have a certain look to become part of their group. And I certainly do NOT have that look (particularly, I'm not thin, super pretty, and all-the-time wearing makeup). Theirs is a sort of closed group - which is really depressing considering that it's a group of primarily (if not exclusively) LDS women! Third: I'm going to turn more to the older women in my Ward and the women I've met in the community that have similar parenting intentions to that which I aim at and try to spend more time with THEM as well as become active in the already established homeschool groups around town to meet more women like me and children the girls can enjoy. This could be really positive in the missionary efforts side of my intentions, too.
Is this a trial of my faith? I've been pondering this a lot today (as this intelligence came to me Sunday evening). I feel confident in the knowledge that the membership of the Church is not the Gospel. I'm grounded in that foundation of my testimony. But the fact is that I am aching for women with whom to socialize and with whom to feel close. Honestly, if I could feel safe in developing friendships with guys, I'd really rather pursue that at this point... but Jess wouldn't be cool with and so I won't.
Perhaps it's just because I'm at the end of my pregnancy (this aching desire to have friends in real life) and "this too shall pass," but it's so sad to feel that I really can't trust a large number of the younger sisters in my Ward! :( At least I have two really good friends there. I know I need my sisters! I'm working to make at least 2 other women into good friends because they are good and kind and I cannot imagine them speaking unkindly about anyone. *sigh* It's so depressing to have to even consider such a thing. None-the-less, I do know that I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and I know that it is found in its fullness in the LDS Church and that even if the world's manifestation of THE Gospel, in the form of the Church and its membership, were to crumble, I would hold fast to my testimony. So, no worries. Right?! :) All will be well and this really will pass just like everything else.
The only thing we can really count on is change, right!?
3 months ago