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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A Sad Anniversary and An Important Realization

September 11, 2012.  9-11-12.  The whole 11-12 thing for this year is pretty cool....

So, I realized pretty recently that this particular day is a much more significant anniversary for me than I've ever comprehended before.  If you want to know me better, you may appreciate this post.  If you don't care a flyin' rat fart who I am, please move along now.

You're still here, huh?


Okay, well...

I was thinking about this day of infamy recently.  Sort of reliving it, in a way.  Considering my in-real-time-experience of the events that transpired September 11, 2001... well, I haven't really done that in anticipation of the anniversary ever before.  Reliving has happened spontaneously and in an undesired manner.  So, the fact that I purposely "went there" and was able to review my 'stuff' without feeling freaked out was quite good.  YEAY for good/positive/beneficial changes in my head!!!  ^_^

So, here's what happened.

A friend of mine recently told me that her husband, while on a date with her, told her he'd forgotten how much fun she could be away from their children*.  As I was randomly puzzling over this statement and considering if such a thing would ever happen between Jess and me I experienced a realization about my current paradigm (which truth has been truth since Sept. 11, 2001 and I'm only realizing it this year!)... I'm realizing that "fun Tori" died in Australia as a result of all the stuff I experienced there pertaining to the Twin Tower attacks and what-not.

I realized that I think I was pretty fun at times (here and there) before I went to Australia.  But when I came home I wasn't fun anymore.  And I haven't been again since then.  I honestly feel like there really just isn't space inside of me for the "fun girl" who died.  She wasted so much time and energy trying to have fun that she really didn't live in a joyful way.  Realizing this was huge for me.  I guess I've been slowly coming to understand this about me and things just snapped into place the other day when this view of my truth hit me so firmly.  (August 17 or 18)

Also, fun (via "fun Tori") included doing things that I have forgiven myself for doing... why would I want to go back there?  I accept them as part of my past... this girl I realized died as part of who I was... but I don't want her to be me any more again... I want her to remain among the sluffed skins.  Ya know?

So, what is the value in this realization?  For, we all must know that to have moments of such total clarity about our own minds/beings should be transformative.  Therein is the purpose of the new vision: transformation.  Well, I see myself for who am more completely.  I see that I have held much anger to cover the loss of this person I didn't want to be anymore anyway... because I didn't know I was ready to let go of her.  I mean, she died unexpectedly as a result of seriously difficult, painful and alarming experiences.  There aren't many people, among those I know, who would realize the death darts of the experience were meant to enable me to let go of dead weight... and I certainly didn't realize it (obviously)!

I believe the realization of this part of my truth has come at this time to free me and enable me to accept and live in the peace and joy that is readily available and regularly surrounds me in my life.  There is SO much joy in each day... ready and waiting to be fully experienced.  I've just realized that I think I was holding tightly to that dead part... and angry for the dead-ness, that I haven't been really living the joy.  I've seen it pretty frequently... but holding the dead-ness as a sad shield, up to guard and protect me from overload of feeling (perhaps much like the fluffy-ness I've encompassed myself round about with?)... one can only serve one master at a time, afterall.

How very foolish of me to not see with spiritual eyes wide open on this... so much time wasted.  No more.  I'm letting go of the dead-ness and accepting the peacefully joyful moments that regularly occur in my life.  Praise God for opening my eyes and mind!  I Bless His Holy Name!!!!  I'm so grateful He is making me New in and through Christ, Jesus.  God is Great!!!

*To be clear about my friend... I believe the kind of fun she was really referring to was more of a relaxed peaceful joyfulness (in my personal terminology).  It's a fun-ness to her because she is more able to interact freely and with pleasure while with her husband (away from her heavy responsibilities within their home and in raising their children) rather than feeling the constant anxiety over her responsibilites with and for their home and children.  As far as that goes, we're basically the same, I think.  The term "fun," though was important because of my own definition/understanding of it in my life.  While I understood her use of the term (and still do) as pertaining to her live, upon consideration of the words later, I was able to see new things about myself based on the way the words themselves interact with my understanding of my personal reality, past and present.  My friend has never done most of the "fun" things I used to do with wreckless abandon.  So, her use of fun is akin to my use of a phrase like "peacefully joyful".  I just wanted to clarify that for myself.  :)

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