Well, unfortunately, I've had this experience recently. I'm sure, by the time this publishes (since I'm post-dating because I really don't want to tell you about this while it's as raw as it is!), I won't feel nearly so poorly about myself regarding what I've just seen... but right now... WOW.
Have you seen the movie "Jack and Jill"? It's good. Only PG, which is rare anymore, right? And a comedy. And it was funny. To me it was funny. I enjoyed it. There were a couple points during the movie that I laughed and then felt totally... uncomfy... like I'd just looked in the mirror and realized exactly how fat I really am after having a totally different picture of my appearance in my own mind. *sigh*
But it didn't really hit me until the movie was completely over. And here I am realizing how completely JILL I am... the huge drawback of my reality: I don't have a twin brother who is cool. Also, I would be hard pressed to allow you to believe I'm as big-hearted as Jill.... So, I'm just "Jill" with none of the "Jack" coolness or HUGE positives to even me out. Also, I have never been pursued by Al Pacino... actually... I haven't really been pursued, per se. Yeah... wack, I know.
I've realized this truth (the Jill-ness of me) about myself many times before in various ways. And in the moments after realizing a new degree of truthfulness and depth of my Jill-ness... well, it is really upsetting and hurts quite a lot. But I manage... I handle it and then I own it. Because that's just who I am.
"Okay," I say to myself (or something like this), "I'm significantly less feminine than I wish I was. Okay. Now, where do I go from here. Well, I'm not willing to feel like a hoochie and wear all kinds of make-up," (and I promise you it would take a ton of that chemical glop to make a difference ova-hee-ahh)... "So, I simply must accept who I am... growing mole on my chin and all and get over it.! No, you do not have to look at it in the mirror! You don't have to try to figure out if it's grown any more recently. Pull the hairs off your chinny-chin-chin (and neck) and get the heck outta there!" Yes, folks... I did just go there.
Obviously, in the moments of writing this post I'm not feeling as "up" as I would prefer. But FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD... life is a series of SEASONS people. Maybe I'm being too real about my personal experience of a period of down time... but this too shall pass. Both the good and the "bad" always do. We can count on that... it'll pass no matter how much we want OR DON'T WANT it to.
So, pray me some pleasant stuff, if you think of it and want to. I sure do know prayer works! And I'll keep working on using the tools for changing my brain (scripture, prayer and meditation are those to which I am referring) to get myself UP and able to have a higher frequency overall... so that even when the down season comes, it'll be higher than what it is currently. I KNOW know KNOW this is possible (the raising of frequency/vibration, overall) and really can and does happen as I've already experienced it in HUGE ways. Although I recognize the down-ness of now, I am also able to compare it to down seasons in the past. And let me tell you... this is NOTHING! Praise God for working changes in me!!! I'm so very grateful!!! (And so it begins: the upturn. Give thanks in ALL things, my friend!) ^_^
(Actually wrote this after "date night" of watching Jack and Jill with Jessie: August 19, 2012.)
September 20, 2012
Just as I expected, the season has turned, and again, and again... currently, I feel significantly better than I did when I wrote this. Lately, though, my experience has been similar to climate change: changeable. But this is just part of the healing process after the miscarriage, I believe. Anyway, that's all we can count on in this life (of mortal, unGodly things, I mean): change.
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