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First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Friday, August 19, 2011

What I Used to Be

I used to be a show it all, all the time, kinda girl.  Not physically in risque clothing, mind you.  But emotionally.  I used to "say it like it IS," or, in reality, like it was to me.  My truth had to be said at the expense of all else.  I had to say what I needed to say in and of myself.

This problematic behavior still troubles me, but not nearly as much as it did in the past.  And when it creeps out, it's really more as a result of forgetting to guard my mind and tongue than with a feeling of "this opinion of mine, personally, must be shared, come hail or high water."

But, I think, the Lord has taken this personal weakness and turned it to His Glory and to support His purposes.  I used to be unable (or unwilling, probably, is more the truth) to control my mouth in support of and profession of my thoughts, considerations and opinions.  Now I feel compelled to NOT control my mouth in profession of God's precepts, principles and truths.

I used to be open with any and all about everything with which I was dealing and/or struggling.  I would monopolize conversation time with my personal problems and frustrations.  I still do this at times... mostly with my Mom and a very few select others.  This is totally new to who I am and I like it, but it is also a difficult change to endure in because it is NOT natural to Tori.  I still have a tendancy to monopolize with vocalization (talking)  communication opportunities when I'm around other adults.  But not because I feel selfish (which I know I did in the past), but, rather, because I just want to talk to other adults and share stuff that I don't get to share as much as I'd like.  Or to use big grow-up words as often as this woman wants to use em.  (Men have far fewer words to use each day and often use more than they would like, while women have MANY words they want to use and, especially those who stay home full-time, rarely use them all up on a regular basis!)  There is still selfishness in my desire to talk because I don't usually get to, I know it and I know I need to work on this character flaw.  I am.  Recognition of a problem/flaw is the first step to change, right!?  :)  It's just so wonderful to share things (mostly good stuff) and hear responses in real-time!  ^_^

In the past, during a time like my most recent bout with negative circular thinking, I would've verbally vomited here and to anyone else who would hear me.  I am striving to change.  Yet, I think it important to share the trouble from my current perspective because I am a frail woman full of problems and I would NOT want to give anyone the impression that I think I'm not simply because I tend to share mostly positive stuff anymore.  :)  I truly am trying to be and tend to be mostly positive anymore, but I have my down days just like anybody!

So, Jess and I had this arguement before I went to Louisiana.  Yes.  It's been a WHILE!  July 13, I think, is when I left for that trip and the arguement started about 5 days before that.  Anyway... the fussing and frustration was, eventaully, resolved and satisfactorily.  I felt quite good about things.  And then I went on the trip.  I did try to keep us in regular contact with Jess and doing Devotionals as a family and whatnot, but it was far more difficult than the last time the kiddos and I went on a trip.  Then it came time for me to return home.  I was not feeling excited... I even felt some dread of it.  Because of that arguement I mentioned above.

16 hours to think, given the feelings I felt when I depared, is not a good thing.  I'm sure the lack of sleep contributed.

Family visited.  Jess said something that was just one of those things he probably shouldn't  have said while my brothers and their families were visiting.  And from there I just felt the full return of all the negative feelings attached to the last two big arguements we'd had.

Anyway.... Basically, I was having unkind, intollerant, and even some uncalled-for thoughts about my husband.  I was unforgiving.  I refused to forgive.  I felt justified in my unforgiveness even though I knew, in my heart, that I was wrong.  I hardened my heart and stiffened my neck against the whispers that were telling me exactly how wrong I was.  I'm so thankful the Lord didn't give up on me!!!

The only thing that has ever worked well to get me out of the negative circular thinking is God.  He's always there and willing to help us with our silly little efforts to learn to walk with Him!  And I know, truly, that I'm not even to the 'drunken baby' stage of my spiritual toddlerhood!  (Don't you LOVE that analogy!??)

I used to feel stuck in the muck of those negative circular thoughts.  I sorta did again these past couple weeks.  Honestly, though, it was chosen... as it always is.  I was just much more consciously rebellious this time around.  I'm so glad and so very thankful that God gives us ample opportunities to change... and provided our Savior that we may endure in change through Him and hope for a future in Their presence!

There are lots of other ways I used to be that I'm able to see great growth (especially during difficult times).  But these suffice for now.  :)

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