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First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Stepping On

Tea is now 7 months old. And she's getting over her 7th or 8th illness currently. Can you believe how ill we've been? This time it was Kat, Tea, and me. I'm hoping and praying really hard that Ria and Jess will stay well. I'm so tired of any of us being ill.

The Specific Carbohydrate Diet is going well, I think. I've added a couple foods and my body slowly adjusts to them. So, I think this thing will be a long-haul kind of deal. By that I mean that I think it will take me a while to make it through the process of adding in fruits and still having a healthy BM. It's only after all the adding in and still having healthy pooh that the time starts on the 2 years to a full-body replacement. (YOU know... the body replaces itself every two years!) In one way that's all right because the SCD has a side bonus of speeding up my weight shedding efforts. Today I checked (I weigh myself on Wednesdays) and I'm now down 10% of my weight. It's come off in 6 weeks, which is WONDERFUL. I'm not willing to say how MUCH the 10% is because it's embarrassing, really. But I'm pleased about the change for the better in this as well as my bowels.

Jess has finally said that he can see a difference. (I ask him when I feel/see one.) When asked, he thought it's mostly in my face. Makes sense since that's the last place to put it on heavily (last on, first off). I'm really happy to have loose clothes and looking forward to digging in boxes for my small sizes, which I haven't worn since right after Ria was born before I started gaining!

I said that the number is embarrassing because the extra weight I've been carrying around tells a lot about me. I don't know about others' weight issues, but for me the fat on my body tells all of the following and probably more!
>This girl LOVES food. She lives to eat, rather than eating to live and using food as fuel.
>Tori is addicted to food. She uses it to numb pain, anger, frustration, to overcome feelings of worthlessness, and sometimes even to punish Jess (since he made it clear a while back he wanted me to lose weight).
>Food is a constant and the most reliable friend Tori has! She especially favors chocolate and other sweet things when eating for companionship and other emotional reasons.
>Can you tell this woman never learned good self-control? Thus the fat piles on!
>Eating is a race and who ever eats the most and finishes fastest wins! (This one hasn't been EXACTLY true for a while, but I had been finding myself eating too fast WAY too often even though I don't need to race anyone!)
>Tori eats when she's bored (mentally) and when she'd like to talk to someone, but doesn't feel able to reach out... food fills in!

I could probably go on, but the only additional thoughts are sort of versions of the above. Pretty pathetic, huh? I'm working on forgiving myself for the poor way I've been abusing my body with food these last 6-ish years as well as off and on before that... it's difficult to forgive myself. Always has been. If you've ever thought I was hard on someone, imagine how much hardER I am on myself!

Regarding my bowels: there has been a lot less pain. Even after I introduced a new food about a week ago and had the dreaded D (diarrhea), my belly hurt a LOT less than it would when I had D before. I'm pretty sure the anxiety I've been feeling is tied into my bowels in some way or another. I've been sort of experimenting to see if I can figure it out. Actually... I think it's hormonal AND bowel related.

Does any one out there know what RED SPOTS on the skin are indicative of? I've had some for quite a while now. For the most part they are small... about the size of a pencil eraser is the largest, I think. Most of them are like tiny pricks of blood that get ever so slowly larger over time. I've found information on something like them one place on the web and it says they are benign, but the spots are increasing in quantity dramatically as of late. It's been really upsetting and a subject about which I've been feeling anxiety.

We'll be getting insurance in the next couple of months... I hope. It's not set in stone WHEN, but it's supposed to happen. I just keep hoping that if the spots are something serious, then I'll be able to get help for them before it becomes dire. Pray for me, if you would. I certainly feel the need for lots of support. :( THAT totally does NOT feel good because I've usually been pretty independent in the past and many days lately I just feel like a pile of mush inside! So not a good feeling.

So, I'm having a hard time. Some days are better than others, of course, but generally it's been REALLY difficult. Most of the difficulty is emotional and mental. Of course, I have been sick on top of it all (almost a week, but I AM feeling better from that thankfully!).

I figured it would be uninteresting to read constant whining if you clicked on over, thus the lack of posts.

I keep moving ahead as I can, though. That's the best I've been able to muster most days, but I have been feeling more hopeful in the last couple days. It certainly feels easier to feel that way when Jess is around and the last 2 days were his/our weekend. *sigh*

3 comments:

vicki said...

phooey! I commented this morn. I was afraid I Xed it out by accident. looks like I did.
What'd I comment?
I do Know i am glad you are forgiving yourself. Keep it going.
much love, mom

Feli said...

Hi Tori,

Hope you are feeling better. It's great that Jess could see the difference in you.:*)


xoxo,

Feli

Gluten free Kay said...

Hi Tori,

Glad you stopped by my chicken post. I'm loving my beautiful birds! From the newest 6 chickens, I got three eggs today including a HUGE one! Must be from my first Black Austrolorpe. And it was a double yolker! She could really spoil me.

I see you're losing some weight. Good for you! Chicken coop construction is a great workout plan. I lost a whole size in the six weeks of assembly. Lots of heavy lifting.

I'm giving myself a 2 week vacation from construction and other projects. My gardens need some attention, and I want to make a gluten-free tortilla. Tried once. Gave up rice flour. Need to try again. I love burritos during tomato season, and it's just around the corner.

Come back and visit again!

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