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I Am... Mama and Writer

First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Monday, June 3, 2013

Meditation Monday #34

Today is day 358 of my meditation journey.  365 days in a year......  i'm almost there by count of days!!!  What an AWESOME feeling!  ^_^

This last week has been especially nice for meditating.  It's just been a 'slower' feeling sort of week and i've been able to complete more "longer" meditations.  It's still just Kirtan Kriya with open and close, but i've been able to do a few 18 minute KKs and even a 30 minute KK!  ^_^  It's nice to spend that 'much' time focused on the pure love of God!  That, combined with my walking prayer time and scripture reading... well, i'm in a bit of heavenly space for a good part of my mornings lately!  Praise the Lord for it!

These mornings (and the combined focus on God and benefit to my mind, body and spirit) have changed something in me in a huge way.  It's very easy to describe quickly, but it will not convey the true depth and profundity of what is changing and has changed in me.  Still, the easy-to-describe-change is previous and valuable enough.  :)  The change?  Okay, so... i'm pretty advanced in this pregnancy.  (i'll not say HOW far i am simply because i don't need the stress of anyone outside me worrying about my "due date" and how late i am or am not for it.)  During this portion of EACH preceeding pregnancy i had this horrible feeling.  It was a DEEP feeling of needing to just run... to run away from where we lived (when it was just Jessie and me).  i wasnted to go on a "honeymoon".  We never did have one.  ahwell.  Doesn't matter now.  When preggie with Kat, i wanted to run away from Jessie and Ria to have a night alone to do WHATEVER.  Didn't happen.  Inside i felt wonky... like i couldn't DEAL because i was ALWAYS dealing!  The feeling revisited when i was preggie with Tea and Jmy.  It was worse each time.  i wanted more time away when preggie with Tea than with Kat and even more time when preggie with Jmy than with Tea.  No, i did not get to run away.  We have never been able to afford for me to be that kind of selfish.  And that's all right.  i see it has blessed me to be "forced" to die to self a lot more each time.

Well, i realized a few weeks ago that i haven't had that feeling at all this time.  that horrible feeling was REALLY heavy and horrible by now in each preceeding pregnancy.  This time around i have wanted to run away from Jessie (which is new) when he's been mean.  But i have not wanted to run away and STAY away from everyone for days on end (as i did when preggie with Tea and Jmy).

This change is not, likely, due to only one thing.  But i DO know meditation is a part of the BIG changes going on in my mind/heart/body.  i'm SO grateful!!!

As a part of the above, it seems to me that my ability to remain peaceful in myself is improving.  Don't get me wrong.  i still fuss and lose control, but it's not down in my core like it used to be.  It feels like i'm okay deep down even when superficially i'm really upset.

Perhaps one of the difficult things about meditation is that the changes are so deeply personal.  It would be interesting to me if others could perceive and convey their perceptions about changes in me, but i honestly think most people just don't notice.  Truly.  i mean, even my husband who has had THE greatest opportunity to know me better than anyone else in the whole world has told me that HE thinks my meditating is a waste of time.  Yes, i know... nice.  But opposition is often most effective from those closest to us.  That IS why the devil uses them, don't'cha know?  (And the devil has used almost everyone close to me to put opposition into my life in BIG ways.)

It is helpful to me that i take the opposition in, process it (mentally and emotionally), question whether it has any validity, realize (almost without exception) that it absolutely does not, and then continue on the path the Lord has described and planned for me with renewed vigor, determination, and Love.  So what if he doesn't see the benefit?  It's not FOR him anyway.  It's my Spirit that is changing.  It doesn't matter if he never sees it.  My Father in Heaven and Savior know... and I... I know!

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