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First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Rollercoaster

I  used to write poetry a lot.  I love poetry.  I'm not, however, a great poet.  I just enjoy words.  Love words, really.  And no wonder... you may recognize the idea that someone created all with the Word and the Word is God.  So, no wonder I love words!  God used them and is IN them!  :)  And I DEFINITELY Love Him!!  ^_^

My point?  Well, I was just reading somewhere about the catastrophes in Japan.  From there, my brain, whilst still reading about the earthquakes and tsunami, went on a tangent of its own.  And in my mind's eye I saw a rollercoaster.  I wrote a poem some years ago about the "rollercoaster ride of life."  So, my mind was focused on this coaster from my poem and sort of comparing my experience of it then and now.

The ride has not become less.  By that I mean that the ups and downs have not evened out.  The loop-de-loops, the climbs and drops, the speed of the whole thing... it has NOT settled down.  If anything it has accelerated.  Yet, somehow (and I DO know how!) my experience of it is as if the "screaming" drops have become shorter... or less scream-inducing.  The loop-de-loops, while still loopy, don't feel so stomach stirring.  And the speed... well, that is what it is, but it feels really tolerable now (at higher speeds) than it did when I wrote the poem and the speeds were not nearly so high.

For instance, way back when I was most concerned about me.  Selfish singlehood.  The grain of wheat lives unto itself and dies alone.  Now my greatest concerns circle around my man, while my days and attentions are consumed by my four little satellites.  Selfless motherhood.  The grain of wheat dies to self and in death lives as more.

While my mind was traveling it's tangent, I had the exquisite epiphany that Christ is my cushion, my anchor, my semi-truck!  I know this, generally, but this tiny revelation was such a gift this morning.  You see, on this rollercoaster in my mind, I'm never subjected more to the full plunges of the high speed drops because my Savior catches me before I fall far.  He sees the drop-a-coming and places Himself when I need Him to catch me and becomes my cushion.  He fills in the valleys and lets me back on the tracks at the next rise.  And the rises are more pleasant, too.  The climbs to them are still slow and sometimes very difficult, but even during the climbs I'm able to see the benefit of the struggle because HE is with me!

During the loop-de-loops, He is my anchor.  He holds me firmly in my seat and acts as my own personal gravity for me in my own little world so not even an hair on my head need experience the pull of the upside-down-ness of life for one in and of the world!  I'm trying to live in fulfillment of being in the world, but not OF the world.  Definitely not always easy, but TOTALLY worth it during the loop-de-loops!!  ;)

And the speed.  Well, I DID already say that the speed of the ride is what it is.  But my experience of it IS different.  Again, the reason is Christ.  He goes before me and acts as a shield, like a semi-truck in front of a little car traveling down the highway.  He breaks the wind before me and makes my way smooth.  So, while I can and do perceive the speed (wow... that cow looked like a blur!), I don't FEEL it in the same way that I did when I was not trusting in the Lord for and about all things.

This has been a super helpful tanget with relvelation for me cause I'm feeling ever more lonely for my Jessie.  In the last week the only times we've REALLY been able to talk are on the phone.  I try to stay up to see him at night, but I'm so tired from just being... that I fall asleep before he gets home and cannot seem to rouse myself when I know he's there.  And he doesn't wake me.  So, I've been feeling alone.  I'm not.  There are visitors who love us and show us so MUCH... but not Jessie.  I'm lonely for my honey.  I ache to watch him with his son and interact with his girls while holding his boy....  It'll come.  I keep telling myself.  Just like Father had in mind to prosper us after the difficulty of under and un-employment, He has in mind that we will have more time as a family.  We've felt this to be true.  So I just have to be patient and faithful.  Oh, so very hard sometimes.  So, I'm grateful for the imagery of the rollercoaster and seeing how it applies even now.  :)

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