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I Am... Mama and Writer

First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Thursday, December 10, 2009


In our short sight, it feels like a bummer to have learned a couple days ago that the house with which we were under contract will not become ours. It is certainly for the best. You see, our mortgage bank will not approve the loan because of two factors. One we could fight. The other we are glad to know about now and leave off pursuit of the property. What would such a factor be? Well, the land on which the house sits is surrounded on three sides by a farm... which we, of course, knew. What we did not know is that said farm's owners use the method of crop dusting to disburse herbicides and pesticides. While I was well aware that the farm probaby used those chemicals, which I did have some concern over... there is absolutely NO way for crop dusting to be done selectively (especially to try to avoid a measly 5 acres in a huge farm like the one surrounding those 5 acres we hoped to own)!

Thankfully Heavenly Father is guiding and protecting us in this our pursuit of happiness by way of buying a home (which we believe is that path Father would have us travel at this time). I'm certain there would have been plentiful physical (negative) repercussions of living off of crop dusted land... not to mention living IN the dusting! YIKES!!! :( So, though we are disappointed to once again begin the process of searching out our place, we are relieved, too. I was actually thinking the other day how totally windy and convoluted this path to buying a house feels/seems to me in my regular perspective of forward looking, ground level, not always with spiritual eyes wide open. But then I looked at the whole thing (of course looking back) and trying to have my spiritual eyes discerning through the process and it seems as if I'm standing in this path and looking back at a totally straight path, but then I turn around to face forward once more and it seems that the path disappears again around a corner of some sort. But I believe that if I could see from Heavenly Father's perspective, looking down on us where we stand in this path, that I would see a perfectly straight way to the house Father has planned for us. What a comfort! I'm so thankfuly that Father has been changing me and I hope (only?) that I can do better than run in place along the path He has in mind for me and my family!!!

In other news:
My girls are getting more and more excited about the impending road trip! They are giddy about seeing some of our extended family, especially cousins... both those they do know and those they will meet for the first time. I told Ria a while back that her Aunt C. had mentioned that her cousin K. was dancing around the house because she was so excited that Ria was coming. Since then Ria has danced around the house and said, as she's dancing, "I wonder if cousin K. is dancing right now, too!?" So fun. Additionally, they both pray about our trip each night and sometimes each morning (as does Jess!). It's so very wonderful that they are so completely excited. Hopefully it will make the driving easier (and I hope they are so excited to return to see their Daddy to make THAT drive easier!). ^_^

I receievd some compliments from our Story Time ladies this morning. :) As I entered the children's books area one of our ladies said, "Look at how skinny you're becoming!" Now... skinny is NOT a word I would assign myself, but I certainly did feel some warmth of gratitude for the lovely compliment (which both of our awesome ladies said to me)! I received another glorious compliment a couple hours later when a dear friend told me the way her husband summarizes me. And it went something like: "You know, Tori is a good person. She's just a really good person who is REALLY trying." I actually cried (which, believe it or not, I rarely do much of any more unless I've eaten wrong in the recent past!) because I was so touched by that glorious compliment.

Just some random commentary about me:
I still have a problem with not thinking about what I say before I say it... and putting things in not the most gentle or tactful manner. I did that this very morning and I fear I may have hurt a lady I just met and I totally did not mean to and DID try to apologize just in case I had. Anyway... there are a few people who think I believe I'm better than them... or believe that I think I'm better than others in general. This is really truly NOT true of me as I am now. I still have very strong ideas and/or opinions, but I also believe (and always have, but am able to sort of express it better now) that everyone else has the right to their own position/beleif/feeling as well!

While I may yet have some problem with thinking that "my" way was the one right way... and probably did to some greater extent in the past... I know I surely seemed to others to think my way was the only way ALL the time... I'm ever and increasingly having much less problem with such feelings/thoughts (and have had much LESS of a problem with such thoughts since we came here). Currently, I believe the only one right way is the Lord's and I try to determine what His way is and then change mine to be in accord with. I actually have had to change one position I had/took on a pretty big subject because I believe that I was standing on the side of the philosophies of men rather than the Lord's side. It was very difficult to come to the point that I could see the reality of that and then change my stance! Anyway...

I've actually begun to see my own problems more compassionately when they exist in me, which is such a treasure trove, really.... As a result, when I see those same problems in others I can SEE that they are mine as well and since I feel compassion for those problems in me I feel it for those who are dealing with them, too. If that makes sense. There is actually a hymn that talks about that sort of thought process and it has come to mind regularly lately, but I can't think of it right now. How annoying. Well, anyway... if you're a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints you'll probably know which one(s) I'm talking about and perhaps may be so kind as to comment about it!? That would be lovely. Thank you, in advance!

Back to the House subject:
I'm feeling more and more that we are unlikely to remain in this county once we move. When we first started this whole process, I actually didn't mind either way (staying or moving out of the county), but now I'm feeling mournful over moving out of this county. Having said that, though, I feel the desire/need to say also that I'm working on maintaining an accepting and joyful attitude about the whole thing so that I will be more like Nephi and Sam in this moving experience than I was when we moved here a bit more than 3 years ago... I was definitely a Laman or Lemuel in attitude at that time (and totally thought I was doing so well to simply DO what the Lord so obviously wanted us to do)!!! Isn't it wonderful to see personal progress!!! ^_^ I'm so grateful for the glimpses!!! ;)

So you'll have to come visit us after we actually move... especially cause it's likely to be a bit removed from where we've been! And we might actually end up with more land than we've been looking at. What an awesome thing THAT would be!! More land equals more ability to live off of it!!


vicki said...

about the hoops...I don't think you are 'asking' more than others...
I appreciate you and how you endeavor! I was going to write that you are "very trying", but that would not be correct!
I'm gonna miss your home just 2 blocks from the ocean, but that is okay.
I have an ocean nearby (7? miles?) i could visit...oops, same ocean. Different city.

John Gollihugh said...

My dear Tori, Jessie and family. Please read philippians 3-12 thru 4-1. Always press on towards you goal.
Love Dad Gollihugh

vicki said...

Hm,m,m...thought i left a comment afew days ago....
So glad my FLa loved ones won't be crop dusted!
I'll be dancing, too, when i feel ready! maybe sooner as sometimes i never feel ready!

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