Will It Ever End?

Just joking, of course I know it will end, this pregnancy... but I have to tell you, especially those of you who haven't experienced the sheer torture of going over your due date (and even more especially to those of you who've never made it to your due date) that it TRULY bites the big one to be pregnant beyond the day birth is supposed to occur!

Oh, by the way, I'm officially FOUR days overdue now. And the whole process of this pregnancy is getting ever increasingly painful - emotionally as well as physically. I totally skipped church yesterday because I'd slept a whole whopping 30 minutes all night. Yeah... not good. But I could have gone. I just couldn't make myself face all those loving (and a couple spiteful and mean) people looking at me like a freak for still being pregnant and then having to pretend to be fine and happy and all that other gobbledygook. Jess and I had a huge fight and I didn't want to sit next to him, much less pretend that I liked him. Of course... I do love him, but I really REALLY don't like him very much as a person even now and I liked him far less a few hours ago! And, "NO!" It's not pregnant hormone stuff going on, either! It's a big huge pile of crapola that I thought I wouldn't have to wade through again, actually. Now, the fact that I couldn't stop crying for more than 12 hours could well be related to the hormones. I will admit that one!

So, I just watched this movie online "The Women" because there's not any point in trying to lie down to go to sleep before midnight when I've had just enough sleep during the day, which, of course, I did as a result of not going to church. In the movie one of the characters said something about how every relationship experiences betrayals of some sort. In some relationships, the betrayal is one big huge one, while in others, it's billions of little ones all stacked together over time. Nary a mention of multiple big ones stacked together over time. Perhaps that's because most people hit the road after one or two big ones? So, I guess that makes me a glutton for punishment because I'd have to say that the betrayals I've experienced amount to a bunch of big ones... and I'm so flippin sick of it!

But then it boils down to this... how do you end something you KNOW you're suppose to be in!? I mean, the real concentrate (like OJ from concentrate) of the matter here, for me, is that I know Jessie is the person I'm supposed to be married to... I just happen not to like his behavior and choices AT ALL at times. So, I think what I'm supposed to do is just sort of deal with it. Not in a doormat sort of way, but more like in an "unconditional love" sort of way... and a "patiently guiding and waiting and hoping for improvement" sort of way. And if you know me, those last quotation marked bits are really not inherently my strong points. AND, like the main character in the movie, I think I'm meant to work on improving me and liking myself more fully and completely so that the billion little (OR enormous) betrayals don't fracture my world the way they have been.

I've realized, after this most recent bout with Jess, that it's as if the frame of the house of my life is built out of Jessie material and that it's the wrong stuff for that particular job. I think I just need to start putting Tori stuff in there instead because I KNOW what that stuff is made of and that it won't break down on me in ways that I can't catch before it falls. The Jessie material needs to be used in the house in ways that it's more suited for... how that is, I'm not quite sure yet. I haven't made it that far in my philosophizing and analogy-making about the whole situation. But I'm working on it! Also, in all this philosophizing I've realized that while my "house" had been shaking because bits of framing have failed (again), the most important part of the structure is in tact. "And, why might that be," you may ask. I'll tell you, because it's all built on the foundation of Christ, that's why! I'm so grateful for that... in all the aching and paining I've felt over the last while!!!