Dear Anni

Dear Anni.

Since Jess called to wish you a Happy Birthday on your birthday, I have dickered over whether to write to you here or not.  Since this is the only way I can think of interacting with you... as I do not have your email address (it was lost during my email address change), do not have your snail mail address, and only have your phone number via Jess... and you told me not to ever call again, so I am trying to honor your requirement.  Finally, today, my courage has won out.  So I write.

Anni, how could we know there was anything wrong?  You wrote???!!???  Jessie's email address has been the same for some time (years even).  I changed mine because the hotmail address was hacked and I didn't like the feeling of it being easy prey for future hackers... so I'm with another carrier, also free, but  it feels safer.  Jess never received an email from you in his gmail address.  He doesn't get to check it daily, but he does check it often enough that we would've heard about your difficulties if you'd written where he could receive it.  Do you have a Gmail account address for him?  You could always write to me here via a comment... I DO moderate, so I would not publish yours should you write any personal information.

I know I have not felt any kind of guilt over you or regarding you.  I believe Jess when he tells me he has not, either... He has, though, told me (and I can plainly observe that he has felt) just anger toward you, which I sorrow over greatly.  I don't know why you would think we would or should have guilty consciences since YOU made it very clear that you haven't wanted anything to do with me and fuss at Jess everytime he tries to interact with you via the phone.  I have felt sadness, even great sadness, especially at the beginning of your determination not to have anything to do wtih me, for sure, but not guilt.  Anni, why should be feel guilty?  You have expressed your desire and I have honored it!

Jess called for Christmas and your Birthday because I urged him to do so thinking that you might be kind and willing to communicate in an open and receptive manner.  I have felt urged to contact you (via Jess) because my girls keep asking me to let them write to you for _____ reason... most recently they wanted to write you a birthday letter and send it.  Since I don't have your new address, I haven't made the time for them to write the letters they desire to write.  If I had, they would only get their hopes up of hearing back from you... and since I can't send it, they couldn't hear back from you!  :(  I'm absolutely certain the only reason Jess ever broke down to call you on either Christmas or your Birthday was because of my urging on behalf of our daughters.  I have asked him to call you again, but he refuses.  Our girls have asked when he's going to call you and he gets aggitated and even angry and tells them he'll deal with it when he feels like he can deal with you - so saying in an angry manner.

Honestly, Anni, I feel that you have been most unfair to us.  We have been trying... Jessie has, since you made it ultra clear you didn't want to have anything to do with me - while I attempt to honor your request.  Even now I feel that I am honoring your desire to have nothing to do with me because, although I'm writing to you, it's really passive since I'm writing to you in my own blog.  *sigh*  I honestly cannot figure out what you want from us, Anni.  We love you and would like to have a friendly familial relationship with you, but our every overature is pushed back at us violently... or, at least, that is how Jessie feels.

You have our phone numbers.  They have not changed.  If you truly wanted to get in touch with us, that would be a sure-fire way to do so.  I know you hate me, so don't call me, I'm okay with that.  Call Jess.  Relationships require two parties to participate... not just one making all the efforts while the other rejects them.

I'm very sorry for the tiny bit I comprehend of your difficulties.  I'm sad to hear that you've endured surgeries and we had no idea.  I'm sure we could have only listened, but I, certainly, would have been happy to listen!  I hope we might reconnect in familial friendship and that you will feel able to share about your trials.  Please reach out, Anni.  That's all you need to do.  I am willing.  Jess will be.

With Love,
Tori (and the rest of the Gollihughs here, too)