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First Mama.  Then Writer.  Though, of late, the latter has consumed a great deal of time as I work to get things in order to potentially be ...

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Saturday Soliloquy 44: June 2015 Temple Trip

We went on a Saturday toward the end of the month. It was to be the day before I would receive my new calling.
I cannot remember all the details now. Shame on me for waiting to record it. I'm glad I am at all, though, at this point. I've been trying to get out at night to Applebees or somewhere to just write. That hasn't happened. In part because I've slept so much! Up late now writing and not going to town (even though I very much want to) because we spent so much money on today's Temple trip (July 2015). ahwell
So, I think it was in the Celestial Room... but it may have begun in the Endowment. I was there among many others. A wedding, perhaps? And basically everyone there knew each other. I was the only one I saw who didn't have someone to speak to at all.
I heard/felt, "You do not belong."
I sorta responded... um, yeah. Kind obvious.
"No. You do not belong here."
Me: yep. Don't know anyone. I know.
"No. You do not belong HERE." and then images of each place I've ever lived, each Ward (including current), and zooming out to a view of the world from space.
The most wonderfully strange thing was, it felt absolutely WONDERFUL and amazing! I felt like I was wrapped up in God's absolute total and unconditional Love FOR ME and that He was telling me that He KNOWS I am wonderful BECAUSE I didn't belong anywhere He'd shown me. I felt GOOD and Loved and RIGHT....
What a gift! Anytime to see and feel what I saw and felt. Even more so, as it happens, given what happened the next day.
Before I get to that, I must convey that a texting fiasco had transpired and I wasn't sure if anyone was going to actually communicate with me about it or not.
As it happens (pertaining to the fiasco), that was also a gift of the painful sort. Father has used it to show me that the GOSSIPyness of this Ward is definitely on par with Deland and probably even as bad as Bunnell... I don't think it could be worse than Bunnell... but then again, I was WAY more obtuse to understanding the meannesses swirling around me back then. *sigh* I praise God for sheltering me so lovingly for so long.
Back to the main story.
The next day, in communication with two sweet ladies, I came to understand that I would definitely be released.  I realized I might be called in one of a couple ways I'd suspected. One of the latter "hand" possibilities being a calling I adore...Nursery.  I was so hoping for that one!   Although I do know it is considered by most/many in the church (because they don't understand the truth) as a "step down". Which is difficult, right? I mean, we don't exactly WANT to care what others think, but it's often difficult to completely not care... even for me.
As a result of the realization that I would not have as close association with the sisters I had begun to feel close to, I just felt this crushing sorrow over losing the bonding agent that the current calling at the time had been for me.... I'm pretty sure, at this point, that I have only one true friend in this Ward.
So, I felt sorrow and experienced a reminder "You are Not Of This World!" as a flash-back to the experience from the day before. It definitely was comforting. I wish I was better... because I struggle so much with what is THE WORLD IN MY FACE... or EAR... or whatever.... Like the time when Jmy was pulled off the counter. *sigh* Anyway...
God is so good to me! And such an awesome planner!!! I'm so grateful!!!!

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