Senryu

Called Abhorrent*

The heart barely beats

then skips two or three to stop.

Then races, for sorrow.

*ab-hor-rent: /abˈhôrənt/
Adjective: Inspiring disgust and loathing; repugnant.
Synonyms: loathsome, odious, detestable, abominable, loathful

Inspired by the theme word MEANING at

Chick-Fil-A

I am grateful for those companies who do the difficult thing.  When I worked for Chick-Fil-A... oh, a couple decades ago, one of my bosses (not the owner) kept trying to push the owner to open on Sundays because of all the potential business he/they missed by being closed.  I was and am thankful, both the owner (back then) and the company (now) stuck/stick to their convictions.

This determination to abide the Law of God (to keep the Sabbath day Holy unto the Lord) does not indicate any hatred in those who keep it of those who choose to do otherwise.  It does not mean that those who choose to keep this commandment think they are better than those who do not.  Yes, I do realize there are those who are sanctimonious and prideful among Christians.  There even are many of such folks who believe they are good Christians.  I believe they really are trying to be.  I definitely realize this about Christians as I was among the "camp" of "Christian."  I used to feel great pride in my righteousness.  I was sure I was better than ___ because they ____ed.  Was.

I still struggle with all kinds of sin, my friend.  Don't get me wrong.  WAS does not refer to my sinfulness.  I still struggle in WAY more ways than I like.  But when the idea to judge comes to my mind, I immediately think of my own sin and KNOW I cannot walk any farther down that mental road (judgement).  I know that whatever I think I know of the other person and their "sin" is only an infinitismally small portion of their whole story!  And in my perspective on existence, it's even smaller than what most people would think because I believe we have a story that stretches back before we were born into our tabernacle of clay... and then some!!!!

Our Father in Heaven has changed me (and continues to change me!) by teaching me my own failings.  He has shown me and daily shows me my sin.  And though I am still a sinner, I praise God daily that He has seen fit to make me better than I used to be and continues to make improvements in me.  Please do not confuse this with pride in myself.  I know it's not about me.  It's about what God can and does do with and in me.  I know the only good in and about me is what is because of Christ.

Given my own life and the changes God has brought about in me and continues to make in and about me, I know that not all Christians are sanctimonious or think they are better than others just because they may be Zealous for Christ.  Zeal does not automatically mean those who feel it think they are better than anyone else.  I promise.  Most people who know me would consider me zealous for Christ, but if they know me to any degree or depth, they would also tell you that while I recognize my worth as a soul is great to God, I don't think I'm any more than anyone else.  In fact, I know I am not.  Because I am almost daily learning more completely the truth that we are all the same and always different.  But we're the SAME!! 

Zeal also does not mean that those who are zealous automatically hate any group of people who choose overt sinful behavior over striving to live in accordance to God's Laws.  Cause let's face it, we're ALL sin... we just sin differently.  And some sinners are actively trying to, through the merits of Christ, overcome the sin that doth so easily beset them (us... I hope I'm part of that group).

For me, as I feel zealous for Christ, I feel love for everyone!  I cannot fathom hatred.  Unfortunately, I do decend into moments in which I can fathom it.  But that's because I'm imperfect like the rest of everyone.  Isn't that comforting?  Not a one of us is perfect!  YEAY!  Back to my point... in my zeal for Christ, I desire to accept those I meet (and REALLY try with those I know) right where they are... and love them where they are.  I strive to, because of my zeal, express love and demonstrate it by acceptance, compassion, and service.  I am not perefect in this effort.  God knows.  But He also knows I really am striving and working and hoping I can accept Him ever more fully to BE like Christ in these ways and more.

Recognition of sin does not mean the person who recognizes it is judging the person who commits it.  Judgement implies sentencing said "sinner" (whether literally or in the "judge's" own mind) to the reward of their choices, which we know, of course, none of us mere mortals can or will ever be able to do... nor, should we desire to have such authority.  But I digress.

It's just that I've just been thinking quite a lot today about homosexuality, marriage, businesses, and so forth.  These thoughts arise as a result of Facebook postings all about the announcement that Chick-Fil-A does not support equal marriage for homosexuals.  I am grateful for Chick-Fil-A's courage in coming forth.  They risk and will surely experience the loss of much business due to this declaration.

One thing I find so very disturbing and disheartening is the way that those who disagree with this position communicate about their disagreement.  No, not all of the pro-Marriage Equality ("me") folks are unkind.  Of course not ALL are.  But I feel a great deal of hostility in comments from these folks.  Yes, there is hostility in some of the Chick-Fil-A supporters (supporters of God instituted marriage).  But I truly feel the majority of the hostility from the pro-"me" folks.  I read more accusations of hate and anger from them.  They accuse those like me of bigotry, of refusing others their Civil Rights, or hating homosexuals, of homophobia... I could go on with the accusations they make against me and people like me.

How is it that declaring my position (or a business doing so) automatically makes them homophobic?  How is it that stating my beliefs in support of God instituted marriage automatically makes me a hater of homosexuals?  And since when is getting married a Civil Right?  Is it?  I mean, if it was, shouldn't that mean that I don't have to pay to do it?  Maybe that's naive.  Well, I never said I was world-wise.

The thing is, I do not hate anyone I can think of right now.  I could.  I'm sure, by many people's standards, I have plenty of reasons to hate any number of people.  But I don't.  Because I've learned a principle that is true across the board: hate hurts me more than anyone else.  Why harbor it and allow myself to feel it?  I don't want to hurt anyone else either... but I'm certainly tired of and done with hurting myself (most of the time, at least).  Honestly, the one and only person I struggle with truly hating is... tori... that's me, folks.  And that's the God's honest truth.

Now, I do realize that there are those among humans who strive to live as Christians who do feel homophobia, who do dislike to the point of hatred those who practice that lifestyle, and who are bigots.  But there are those like me, who really only state our own beliefs and hope that the Laws of the land are not altered in such a way that our freedom to practice our religion is impinged upon...  and this is called being a bigot?  I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.

I'm not saying that homosexuals cannot live as they choose.  I'm not saying they cannot live together.  I even think there could be (even should be) some legal way for their unions to be recognized.  And, really, isn't that more reasonable anyway?  I mean, being together as homosexuals is not the same as being together as heterosexuals.  It's just not the same thing as marriage between a man and a woman(the kind that has been since forever).  Wouldn't it be more reasonable for homosexual unions to be called something different because they ARE something different?  But this is not acceptable to the homosexual community.  And why not?  I honestly don't understand why.

Just because I state my beliefs and stand by the Word of God and strive to uphold His Will and Ways does not mean I lack compassion for those who live differently than me.  It does not mean that I am intolerant of their creed, belief or opinion.  A bigot is intolerant of those things.  Just because I want the institution of marriage preserved does not mean I desire to force my perspective on another.  In fact, I think it's more reasonable that homosexual unions have a different name with legal protections in place, like marriage... but the different name for the different practice.  You see?  I definitely don't hate any homosexuals... as I mentioned before, the only person I struggle with feelings of hatred toward is me.

To tell you a little more about what I think... since this is, afterall, my blog... ^_^  I truly believe that 99.9% of homosexuals are born that way.  I actually have some theories about why God would allow such a trial (especially in the world in which we live) to overshadow those who have homosexual tendancies from birth.

We all know, if we know the Bible even only a little, that the difficulties in our lives are our crosses - and to follow Christ we must pick up our cross.  For if we try to follow Him without it, He will never accept us.  And anyone (especially if you are straight) who would argue that they bring it on themselves by choosing to live the way they live... well, in a way you're right.  But they didn't choose to BE gay or lesbian or anything similarly difficult.

I'm sure I could go on... but I won't.  "And that's what I have to say about that."

Additional reading:
One way someone has written about CFA declaration to support God Instituted Marriage.
Have you heard of Club Unicorn?  If not, you simply must find out about it on THIS blog.

Put Neotame on Your Radar

Good grief!

And did you know that the labels of food only have to list items that are 5% or more of the content of the product.  DISTURBING!  This is the kind of thing Prophets (like Spencer W. Kimball and Ezra Taft Benson*) of my Church have seen for many decades.

*There are Prophets from before 1971 who spoke on this subject, but the online archive goes back to "only" 1971.

A Gush Inspired by Another Blogger

So, July 19, 2012 I was reading a few new blogs as I entered my own blog into some "parties" and felt inspired by many of them.  While reading one particular post, though, I felt an absolute need... urging from the Holy Spirit, to do a little gushing of my own on my blog.

We've had our downs and some good ups.  Lots of downs, unfortunately, have been really recent.  And though I have not shared details, those in my day-to-day life have been all too aware that I have been having a difficult time dealing with whatever it is I've had to deal with (this is prior to the spontaeous abortion).  Anyway, I know I've shared it before, but it's pertinent here because of some of my reasons for this post.

One reason I'm going to share what I share in a moment is because I'm striving to feed the good wolf in me.  I recognize that the evil one will always live, but I'd rather it survive in a state of starvation.  So... here we go!

Jessie!

This post is me gushing about what is good about my man.  He is a good man.  He, too, has duality of wolves within... but I've already openly acknoweldged my imperfection.  I must also accept his and we can move on together in peace after we come to acceptance of our humanity!  ^_^

FIRST GUSH

Our kiddos get to be child of the week.  This is pertinent because while they do look forward to "their week" for all of the perks (like they get to say most of the prayers for the family for the whole week, they get to choose their seat for the week, and if there is something else that arises that is sort of special they might get precedence in the position of "honor" or some such nonsense).  This practice has eliminated untold amounts of bickering in our home and I LOVE that about it!!!  But for all the reasons that they love it, their most favorite... the reason they talk about for days leading up to and the rest of the week after is the fact that "their week" means they get to go on a Daddy Daughter Date.  (Jmy hasn't entered the official calendar yet, but I know the need is growing.)

Jessie takes the children along while he runs errands.  While this might not sound like a wonderful date, the girls LOVE it!  They love shopping in any and all forms (can they be mine??!!) and spending time with Daddy while they get to shop... well, that's just the tippy tippy top of "best of" for them!  ^_^  And Jess makes their time special.  There is a special pad of paper in his car that they get to use to write while they drive.  He gives them his iPod to listen to if they want.  They can chat away if that's what they prefer.  And they LOVE all of it!

I know Jess enjoys this time with our girls.  But I also know that he enjoys time on his own, too... and grocery shopping used to be (before we began these DDDs over 6 months ago) some time he would get to be on his own and not have to be at work.  I'm so unbelievably grateful for the sacrifice of alone time he makes to grant our girls time with him!

Second Gush

I have been rather down a LOT more than normal for me.  While my strength is returning (since the spontaneous abortion), it is slow going.  I'm sure if I'd started out a fit female, I would be fine by now.  But I am what I am... extra fluffy... and some gastro-intestinal problems on top.  So, it is what it is as a result.

Jessie has been super wonderful through the two weeks of bleeding and since then.  He's not fussin' about the clutter.  He's not griping that the rabbits area hasn't been cleaned up.  He IS, for the most part, being very kind and uncomplaining.  And that makes a HUGE difference in my book because I feel baddly enough about not managing things well as my body heals.

And the other day... he took the broom from my hands and began sweeping.  THAT has NEVER happened before!  And what a blessing to me that he did such a thing!  Of course, I got the other broom and set to work elsewhere (twice the hands, half the time at work)... but it was just WONDERFUL to feel his love in such a way!

Third Gush

I won't go in to detail on this one.  But I don't need to.  For, you see, the primary reason for this whole post is for my man to know that I see.  That ICU, JessieWho, is still true.

This special acronym (ICU) means a great deal to me... and, I hope, my fella.  When we were dating, I had an idea (I was not going to church, so it seemed pretty unique and romantic to me) from a Chicken Soup for the Soul book to have a sort of motto for our relationship.  So, I came up with "I Choose You."  The acronym for it: ICU has a double meaning.  First, of course, it is an literal acronym for I Choose You.  But it is also a phrase of meaning in and of iteself.  It also means: "i see(C) you(U)."

This is important.  Because in relationships, we can all too easily either only see our spouse as an extension of ourself (flesh of my flesh) or through tinted 'glasses' that do not reveal who THEY are, but who we think they are because of our own life's experiences... or who we want them to be because of expectations of what marriage means, etc.  "ICU" is a promise we made to keep choosing each other, come what may, AND to work to see each other for who we each are.  This is, of course, in opposition to the seeing him as an extension of who I am or who I would like him to be.

So, Jessie, I see the changes you are working to make.  I see and feel the differences.  I am so grateful.  Keep on keepin' on.  Please.  I will, too.  K?  ICU.  Love, Your Girl Forever.

Love; a River

Always flowing
changing, growing.

This love I feel for you.
Yet forever: true blue.

At inception,
meant for fun.

But then it changed.
Everything re-arranged.

The glacier melted,
by you: smelted.

Rock metal rivers through the wold ran.
Water river: Love, from ice, began.

Metal ahead of us rolled.
Various types, our fave: gold.

Laid the bed on which our love would flow.
And it surely has, don't you know.

That bed, though metal
did not smoothly settle.

So, we've had to battle our way
through many a turbulent day.

But though we may bubble and froth
We do not over-long remain wroth.

As does a real river,
our love grows, always it does deliver.

And when, one day, this mortal life has its end,
our river of love will, into the infinite ocean blend.

Not a drop will be lost.
No matter the cost.

For the infinite mind
is ever so kind.

There we will reside.
Amid the tide.

Wherever.
Forever.

I'm LINKED and at Raising Homemakers and at Inspire Me Monday!

What You Can't See and Will

Beautifully bowing golden-edged heads
rise up ridiculously tall from their beds.

Some with stalks the diameter of small trees.
Only a few no taller than my knees.

Many rise to the height of the overhang of my roof.
the lovely flowers have brought out many previously aloof!

There is a beauty in them that can make anyone smile.
Perhaps not immediately, but definitely after a while.

They brighten my days
in so many ways.

Surprisingly, to me, they smell wonderfully.
I'd thought they were only good for the eyes previously.

They reach for the sun way up in the sky.
Sunflowers so big they make my heart sigh.

Clouds smattered across a summer blue
beyond the varying shades of transparent green, is a clue.

The sky beyond my sunflowers' leaves.

a close up of sunflower seeds ^_^

I've Linked Up.

and to Macro Monday

Coursera

I have no interest in going back to college while still bearing children.  Let me rephrase, I have no desire to overburden myself with attemping to do school while also hoping to have more littles come into our family.  I have felt often Led of the Lord to information that was pertinent to my development, both Spiritually and to broaden my horizons and open my eyes.  Yet, I have missed the schedule of assignments and discussions Uni offered... especially in Literature and Art.

Unfortunately, I do not foresee a way I could take another studio art class any time in the near-ish future.

However, I just recently ran across (okay, more likely: Heavenly Father Led me to what I'm sharing with you, to be compeletely honest) a way to take/do college level courses for free.  I'm pretty excited.  Not just for the information and deadlines, but for the discussions... all done from home.  All free.  Oh, and most of them provide a certificate of completion at the end, assuming you qualify and have actually completed the course.

Neat, right?

And did I mention... an "all imporant" aspect for far too many folks out there is that many of the Professors teaching these courses are Profs at prestigious universities like Princeton, Duke, Stanford, UVA, etc.

Did I mention... the classes are free and very few require you to purchase anything for them.

One exception I've run across is a Literature class.  It's inescapeable.  I mean, it's illegal to copy text for free online dispersal if the author is alive or the year in which we live is within 50 years of the author's death.  So, there are a couple books one must purchase or borrow from the library for that class.  Still, it's pretty awesome in my book.  ;)

Wanna know where you can do such a thing?  You can google the title of this post OR click HERE.

Let me know what you think!  Especially if you think it's as neat (or any degree of neat-ness) like me.  ^_^

Dream Tea and Remembering Dreams

Found Picture

I think dreams are neat.

I don't particularly like the ones after which I feel yuck, but even those have their worth. I'm not sure what the worth is of too many of them, but I'm sure they serve some purpose or other.

Although I know we are told we dream every night, it’s been some times since I regularly remembered my dreams.  I like to remember them.  I feel some sense of accomplishment when I can remember them.  And then there are those that are actual communication from above.  Those, I have to say, are THE coolest.  But if I’m not remembering my dreams, maybe I’m missing out on some of those communications.

Yes, I know my subconscious retains it, but I want to remember it at the front of my mind and have the opportunity to ponder on and consider the dreams.

So, when I was, as far as I knew, still preggie, Jess and I decided to buy some bulk herbs that could help with the pregnancy.  Mountain Rose Herbs is a great company to go with, I think. I've purchased from them before and I have always been pleased with their products.  This was my first bulk herb and tea purchase.  I continue to feel just as pleased as I did with the other products I'd purchased previously.

One tea I bought is supposed to help the drinker remember their dreams.  Thus far, it is DEFINITELY working for me.  I've remembered bits and pieces since the first night I drank it and last night I remembered quite a bit more.

For instance, I remembered that I was single and there were a hand-ful of guys wooing me.  This was particularly pleasant because I have been asking Jessie to do just that... woo me.  It would've been better if HE had been the woo-er.  But the dream was nice, none-the-less.

So, the point?  I highly recommend this tea.  That's all.  Hopefully I'll be an affiliate soon and you can buy through me!  ^_^  I'm not one yet, but I'll let you know if I become one... or look around here and maybe you'll see a button or banner to get to them through me.

Links to YouTubes to Show the Meditations I'm Using

This post has been moved.  Please read it HERE.

Putting Myself Out There

I was recently told, in the form of a suggestion, that maybe I shouldn't put myself (and my business) out so openly because people will interpret what they will and read into what I share as they may.  While I definitely realize this is true, when I encounter repeated instances of people misconstruing what I communicate, when I deal with people twisting my words and making something I said or wrote into something else entirely, well, I think 'that-there' is a good reason for frustration if ever there was one.  I mean, I recently had someone lie directly to my husband (in real life conversation) about something this person said I put on Facebook.  Thankfully my husband actually knew what I HAD written in this case.  And, as a matter-of-fact, in this case the person speaking the lie was speaking a combination of something I had written, my husband had written, and their own interpolation*.

Anyway, this is not only a gripe fest about what other people say that I don't like.  Actually, I'm done with that part.  ;)

My main purpose in writing this itty bitty post is to simply let you know why I put myself out there.  Why in the world do I share as much as I do (though I honestly DO keep a lot to myself)?  Why do I speak candidly about much?  Why I do I put myself out there?

Here it is:

I put myself out there because I have found that life can feel awefully lonely at times.  But in the lonliest of times, I have consistenly been taken to places in this interesting and, dare I say, amazing world-wide-web, where I find someone whose story is a bit like mine.  And I feel a kindred-spirit-ness... and for a few minutes... maybe a few days... I don't feel so alone.

Now, one might say, "You should turn to God to fill that hole."  And I would say, "You are absolutely correct!  And I strive to do just that.  Yet there are moments (and days) when I feel a great urgency and desire to feel like I'm not the only one who ____... just for a little while."

I believe this feeling is not one that I alone feel.  And because of my experiences with being guided or Led to certain items, sources of information, peoples' blogs when I needed what was contained therein, I believe firmly that what I feel a need to share may be used by our Awesome God to help someone else whose story is similar to mine and who desires a few moments of feeling like they aren't alone.  Just like I do.  Because, when it comes right down to it... no matter how different we are, we are ALL the same, too.

*interpolate (the definition I like best, though in this case the falsification was spoken):
#3. To change or falsify (a text) by introducing new or incorrect material.

Meditation Monday: Final 1/4 of My 40 Day Meditation Experiment/Journey/Journal

This post has been moved.  Please read it HERE.

Compliment Given

"Tori has an insight that is un-matched by anyone I know when it comes to the gospel and (the other girl with the same name) puts the FUN in everything she does. How do you choose which one is more awesomer???? It can't be done!"

What a great compliment, right?  I totally thought so!

Just wanted to document in my blog that someone had said such a thing about me!  ^_^

Third 1/4 of My 40 Day Meditation Journey/Journal/Experiment

This post has been moved.  Please read it HERE.

Thankful Thursday: Week of July 5-11, 2012

I am thankful for the awesome temple trip we took on Tuesday!

I am thankful for rainy afternoons that both cool our home and water my gardens (which takes away a 2+ hour job that I enjoy, but have been really tired out by since the physical distress of the spontaneous abortion).

I'm thankful for Jessie's strident efforts to change in relating to me as well as standing up to others (particularly at work, but also with me) when a situation is not acceptable.

On The Word Deserve

From Webster's Dictionary I found the following on the word DESERVE:

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French deservir, from Latin deservire to devote oneself to, from de- + servire to serve.

transitive verb: to be worthy of: merit; deserves another chance
intransitive verb: to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital deserve

I don't like this word.  Or, at least, I didn't think I liked this word until I really looked at the definition.  Now, I realize I don't love the word, but more than that, I dislike the way people use it (and arguably misuse it).

So, how do people use it that I dislike?  I'm glad you asked because that's what I want to try to verbalize.  I dislike that people use it in conjunction with the idea of fairness.  For example: "She didn't deserve to be treated that way."  I dislike this way of using this word because, well, I dislike the idea of "fairness."  Quite frankly, I don't give a damn about "fair."  I think fairness is foolishness.  Honestly.  I think nothing is fair.  Not in life, not in eternity.  I believe it is Just.  And Just makes FAR more sense than "fair" as far as I'm concerned.

Additionally, I dislike the way people are constantly talking about how so-and-do deserves to be treated better.  Do I wish people in my life would be kinder and more considerate?  Certainly.  However, I do not confuse this wish (and hope) with a belief that I deserve such.  If I did I would be living in a state other than I have been told to expect in the Bible.  I mean, there are numerous references to taking up my cross to follow Christ.  My cross happens to be, in part, formed by some crummy relationships.

Do I deserve the crud of those relationships?  Well, honestly, who on earth knows!?  Maybe I do "deserve" them because I made an agreement in the pre-existence to deal with and overcome the problems in and of them.  Does focusing on how I don't "deserve" it help me deal with it?  Nope.  Not one itty-bitty little bit.  But I do it and that weakness in me is so very frustrating!

When others focus on whether they or I "deserve" something negative, I feel rather perterbed.  I mean, I definitely do not need any help considering negative aspects of things.  My challenge (perhaps most people's challenge?) is to focus on something OTHER than the negative... like acceptance, peace, tolerance, happiness, and etc.

As it happens, I think I rather like the word "deserve" if used correctly.  For instance, if someone has worked super hard and has accomplished a goal they set for themselves, well, in that case, they deserve the reward of that goal.  And on the opposite side of that coin, if someone does something utterly foolish, perhaps they actually DO "deserve" the consequences they may face.

I like the etemology information a great deal.  It's very interesting to me that this word originates from a Latin word meaning to devote oneself to and to serve.  For this is what is done when correct reference is made to someone "deserving" something or thuther.  As in the example of the goal, one really does have to devote oneself to or serve the end goal to accomplish any goal worthy of accomplishment (and some, as on the other side of the "coin," NOT worthy of accomplishment).

So, I don't mind the word nearly as much as I thought... I just mind (a lot more than I realized), the incorrect application of the word!  The things we learn about ourselves as we write....  ^_^

on July 19, 2012 I've linked this post up to a party

come join before it's too late!  ^_^