Irish Birthday Wishes I Love For My Dad

May the most you wish for is the least you get!

May the good Lord take a liking to ya, but not too soon!

May big headaches and little fevers be always far from you.

May you live as long as you want, And never want as long as you live.

May the Lord keep you in His hand, And ...never close His fist too tight.

We drink to your coffin. May it be built from the wood of a hundred year old oak tree that I shall plant tomorrow.
May you live to be a hundred years, With one extra year to repent!

May you be joyful on this special day and always after!! (That one's just from the mind of Tori... ya know, I'm a little Irish, too. ^_^)

I hope you have a gread day, Dad!  Happy Birthday!

Thankful Thursday: Week of July 5-11, 2012

I am thankful for the awesome temple trip we took on Tuesday!

I am thankful for rainy afternoons that both cool our home and water my gardens (which takes away a 2+ hour job that I enjoy, but have been really tired out by since the physical distress of the spontaneous abortion).

I'm thankful for Jessie's strident efforts to change in relating to me as well as standing up to others (particularly at work, but also with me) when a situation is not acceptable.

A Quote From Elder Holland

“Who is it that whispers so subtly in our ear that a gift given to another somehow diminishes the blessings we have received? Who makes us feel that if God is smiling on another, then He surely must somehow be frowning on us? You and I both know who does this—it is the father of all lies.. I am convinced the commandment not to covet is meant to keep us from hurting ourselves… Brothers and sisters, I testify that no one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us—insecurities, anxieties, self-image, and all. He doesn’t measure our talents or our looks; He doesn’t measure our professions or our possessions. He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other. I know that if we will be faithful, there is a perfectly tailored robe of righteousness ready and waiting for everyone, ‘robes … made … white in the blood of the Lamb.’ May we encourage each other in our effort to win that prize is my earnest prayer..”

Trials and Then Blessings

I truly believe that all things are a compound in one.  Blessings can/are trials and trials are (contain within them) blessings.  Even though that is true, in my experience, Heavenly Father doesn't stop at giving us the blessing within the trial, but continues beyond that and loads blessing upon blessing into our lives when we pass through "trials" trying to keep our eyes on Him and seeking always to do His Will.  Seriously awesome, good, kind, and over-generous stuff to my way of thinking!  And that is descriptive of our God!  :)

In my experience and comparing my life to the analogy of the orchard-man in the Bible... the trials of my life are the times of pruning.  The pruning is necessary at those times because those times happen to be the oppropriate "season" in the development of my "tree-self" for them.  The trials are the cutting away of certain places of my tree-self which result in either humbling and/or refining (usually AND! ^_^).  I often, if not always, see how the "pruning" work is really necessary because of how hugely imperfect I am.  Ever more and more I can see how the pruning is changing me to become a more productive and better individual in the whole orchard that I may provide more and better fruits for my "orchard-man."  And these times of pruning are truly and hugely necessary.  Whether I pass through with stellar performance (keeping my eye on Christ and striving with all my might to be as He is) or sub-par, Heavenly Father provides solace, comfort, and blessings so long as I've been striving in Christ, regardless of my actual performance.

I told you about the full van load of blessings the Lord gave me through my dear friend just this past Saturday.

Well, yesterday He gave more!  Truly pouring out the blessings!

I've been feeling VERY urgent about preparing our 7 day kits.  We have 72 hour kits (minus cash in small bills and quarters... working on that!), but building thos kits up by 4 more days is a rather big task to my small mind - considering our very small income currently!  One thing I've been worrying my little head about is the entertainment issue of children in emergency situations.  Silly, you may think... but we've been through some stressful situations just at home, and let me tell you... some "new" things to do are SUCH a relief and blessing!  Games.  Color books.  Books.  You know the drill.  Well, among all the gifts my friend gave us are loads of new-to-us books.  I will sneak some away to our 7 days kits!  YEAY!!

Yesterday, a dear sister in my ward family gave me a bag of wonderful school supplies.  Among the supplies I was blessed to find more than SIX new card games.  Among those were GO FISH, OLD MAID, and more!  I've snuck them off to load into the 7 day kits!  God IS Great!!!

Another sweet sister gave us a bag of girls shoes.  Awesome!  God is THE provider!  I just noticed among the bags of clothes my friend gave me on Saturday are shoes for Ria... sneakers in the size she needs!  I've been worrying my little head over that lately... when I should not, for I have had enough witness that the Lord will provide for ALL our needs.  Not just some.  ALL!!!!  Praise God, my Father in Heaven.  We are so very blessed to be loved by Him who loves us without condition!

Why all of these blessings?  I'm certainly not deserving and I recognize this truth poignantly.  I must stipulate that truth which I acknowledge and declare first.  Yet, I've done better in and through our more recent series of trials than ever before.  I love that I can see my personal progress by way of the mile markers of my trials!  The trials?  Here are some of them, starting with the tougher and moving down the list:  the job at Capt's Tavern.  That was a huge trial for me as well as (obviously) for Jessie.  When he suffers, I suffer.  And though I listen and advise, I cannot MAKE him do what is best.  He must.  So, in essence, I end up in a rather powerless position, which is excruciatingly painful and difficult for me.  Kat, Tea, and I being ill.  My Grampa Storms dying.  Worrying about my Mom (that was her Dad who died).  Worrying about my neice who was ill and had 2 febrile seizures within 24 hours.  Unemployment.  Uneremployment (which continues).  No success in finding host families for the foreign exchange students I've committed to find placements for.  And, of course, there are the constant and necessary stressors of: being a Mama.  Homeschooling.  Maintaining our home.  Entertaining.  Visiting Teaching.  etc.  etc.  etc.  These are all just part of life and living.  Yet they combine and compound at times.  We must endure... AND endure it WELL!  Although I could always do better... I did better than I've ever done.  And the blessings have come pouring out to us.  We are SO grateful!  God IS Great!!!!!

Another Blessing of Trials

How could I forget this one?  I don't know.  It's one of the earliest reasons I could discern "easily" as a blessing of trials.  What is it?  It's the way that trials can act as sort of mile markers in my journey to become the woman the Lord would have me be.

For instance, this past illness (just last week) I could see how I was becoming more Faithful when I considered how I was dealing with things currently and comparing that to how I dealt with things the last time the majority of my family was ill.  I could see how I still needed to work on a few things (specifically controling the thoughts that try to prance onto the stage of my mind and, if allowed to move about only a few moments, would spread darkness and attempt to pull me down into hopelessness and despair).  Even though I didn't do as well as I need to do in controlling those thoughts, compared to last time, my control was superb and I chose Faithfulness much more than allowing the thoughts of fear to come in to trouble me.

I do, of course, see how I need to improve.  I have not reached perfection even in this small thing.  I'm FAR from perfect in ANY way... but it's such a gift and blessing to see PROGRESS!!!  So, I rejoice in the trials that I may see how I progress in my journey... and the progress has been SO much more pronounced (and becomes ever more so) as I submit myself to the full Will of our Lord.  What a BLESSING!!!

A Very Merry and totally Miraculous Christmas!

It all started back in late October or sometime in early November.  Projecting our finances, especially after the demotion at River Grille on The Tomoka, I knew we wouldn't be able to afford our "regular" $10 gift Christmas (giving each person $10 to spend on each other person in our little family).  While our norm is really quite reasonable, when you do not have enough coming in, there isn't anything else to go out!

While, in truth, this was at first sort of depressing to me, I came up with a plan that was exciting to me and would include wonderful lessons for our whole family...  The plan?  To allocate only $50 ($10 each), which would be a stretch but much easier than the alternative, and spend it on gift certificates which we would then give to individuals at the homeless camp near-ish our home.  When we discussed this plan as a family, the girls were, at first, sort of disappointed about not getting any presents themselves, but then they caught the vision and were excited about giving to those who need so much more than we.  Ria even came up with a plan to have an art show to sell their art work so that they could have more money to buy gifts for those in need.  Jess agreed with the plan.

Unbeknownst to me, Jess began to reconsider our family agreement.  He was trying to figure out ways he could have gifts to give our girls on Christmas.  Then he was fired from RG and he became, it seems to me, even more anxious to provide gifts for the girls even though the way for him to do so in and of ourselves was even more impossible.  All this without telling me a thing about his thoughts or feelings.

Then, one day in early December he received a phone call from our midwife.  He was out grocery shopping.  She told him about an organization that chooses 100 Chef's in the area each year and then provides gifts for theChef's children.  (My midwife did not know Jess had been fired from RG.)  Jess told me he was in shock when he heard her tell him this and then ask if she could submit wish lists for our girls.  He thanked her while on the phone, but the magnitude of the magnitude of the blessing only hit him when he got to his car, where he promptly began to shed tears of gratitude.

He came home and told me all about it.  I felt angry at first (because he started by telling me he'd been trying to think of how to get gifts for the girls), but as I listened I became aware of the blessing and miracle.  My reaction: "You know this is not about our girls.  This is about YOU.  This is a gift from Father to YOU for our girls because He knows your heart and the wishes of it and He wants to show you that He loves you and that you are worthy in His sight."  I think Jessie heard me this time....  He acknowledged the truthfulness of what I said, at least.

There's more.

My Ward family (earth angels, in my sight) gave us gift certificates to use at Wal-Mart for the girls.  A lot of them.

There's more.

A really sweet family in our Ward was given dresses (just about the sizes of our daughters), which they wrapped and gave to our girls as well as a matching shirt for Mama.  Then, Christmas Eve that same thoughtful family came over to deliver gifts for the girls (2 each, I believe, plus a few gifts for all three)!  A whole family of earth angels, that!

So, our Christmas Tree, when we moved all the gifts to places around it, was so very FULL of gifts.... More full than any Christmas I can remember from my childhood... and I have 5 siblings!  More full than any Christmas Jess can recall (though he does have only one sib).  The only "match" for this Christmas is the Christmas Jessie's sister Anni visited and my sweet, dear friend Heather came to deliver more than 3 large black garbage bags full of presents for our family on Christmas Eve back in 2008 (I think)....  We are so very blessed!!!

Now, some might consider all this story a series of sweet coincidences.  Some might write it off to synchronicity.  Others might say it's a chance collaboration of unlikely events.  Another might say it's luck, or a happy accident, fate, or some other such verbal "write off" of what is REALLY miraculous.  You see, to see miracles, I have learned, it takes an Eye of Faith.  It requires Spiritual Eyes, which are only ever opened BY Fiath, to see what can not be seen by those who would name away that which is plainly seen through Faith... who would close their eyes to what is real and readily before us, but easily explained away.  Yes, it IS easy to explain away!  I used to do it.  Jess has only recently stopped!  But let's call a miracle a miracle and open our dimmed eyes to see the fine threads, invisible without Faith, of Father's awesome plan.  Let's see them as they intertwine and combine to create this magnificent tapestry we live, it makes up our lives!  God's got it!  For sure.  Let Go, Let God.  He will bring so much more than we can provide, if we'll just WAIT ON THE LORD in ALL things!

And so, seeing with my Spiritual Eyes, opened by Faith, I proclaim that THIS, my friends... this Christmas is for Jessie (as well as our daughters, of course... and for me, too, I'm sure, but I just feel SO much that it's FOR Jessie most of all cause it's the wishes and hopes of HIS heart that was answered upon the heads and into the hearts of our children!).  Do you see how the Lord loves him??  And our Father loves us ALL this way!!!  Isn't His Love amazing??!!!??  The way our AWESOME God knows the wishes and hopes of our heart and manifests them in the world when we are simply TRYING to live as He would have us do to the best of our ability at any given time!??!!

Our God is a personal God.  He knows us as individuals and Loves us no matter what.  He knows what we are capeable of right now... as well as what we MAY do in the future if we'll just submit to Him and His knowledge and His guidance and do our best understanding of His Will!  And He blesses us so tremendously for our pitiful and puny efforts to be like our Dear Savior, Jesus Christ.  I must confess Christ in all things.  We are commanded to do so and so I do: This is ALL from Him and we are SO VERY THANKFUL!!!  We are so thankful to those who have acted as instruments in His hands to bless our lives, to bring such temporal manifestations of God's Love into our world this Christmas.  THANK YOU!!!!

Thank you, God.

Merry MERRY Christmas!  I hope His Birthday was a lovely day for you and yours and that some of the wishes and hopes of YOUR heart were manifest in this temporal and saddly fallen world of ours!  :)

This is my truth.  This is my testimony.  And I bear this, my testimony, in the name of our Savior and Risen Lord, Jesus Christ.  AMEN!

A Dark Cloud Fell

So, I've always (at least as long as I can remember) really admired those who seemed to just HAVE Faith. You know the ones... things happen in their lives that are just not so great and they have all their feathers right in place the whole time. There have been a few that have said they think I have this gift. Unfortunately, I argue that point simply because I know my doubter's heart! Had I been a disciple, we would use the phrase "doubting Tori" not "doubting Thomas"!!! Well, Monday night I asked (again) in prayer for the gift of Faith. Be careful what you ask for really is a good phrase... thus its oft usage. :)

Some sort of important facts to set you up for the story to follow:
I've been worried about where diapers (nights ones for Kat and everyday ones for Tea) would be coming from for about a week and a half. As of tonight Kat has on the last diaper that fits her and I have, maybe, 5 left for Tea. Additionally, and probably BECAUSE of the diaper issue, I've been worried about how to purchase enough groceries for the week (cause we get paid weekly now). Luke, chapter 12 verse 29 comes to mind: "And seek not ye what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, neither be ye of doubtful mind."

On to the Story:
So, yesterday was going to be the best day to get to the temple. Jessie's food class is next Tuesday and I really don't like waiting till the last week of the month to go. Still, I bickered with myself over the trip because of the fund-age issue. We also signed up to have the missionaries scheduled to come for dinner, but I was pretty confident we would be back in plenty of time to finish dinner and feed them especially since I'd done most of the meal prep on Monday night. Finally, I decided to go ahead with the trip, but we ended up leaving about 5 hours later than I initially planned (we normally leave at about 5-5:30am).

Got to the temple just fine. Had a lovely time doing some Initiatories. Finished and plopped down in the main waiting area to read. Sometimes I do this, sometimes I don't. Out comes Brother Recker, my Ward's High Priest Group Leader, heading to man the front desk. He works in the temple once a month. Interesting. So nice to see a familiar face in the temple!

I left the temple and looked for the van as I called Jess. He tells me they're still at the playground, but he'll pack up right away and be right over. No problem. Little longer wait than I expected, but still just fine. Next thing I know he's calling me back to tell me the van won't start. Now, keep in mind Jess had just been to the shop the day before to get a job finished that we'd just had done a week prior. However, the problem he faced at the playground was totally different. He thought it was the fuel pump. The previous problem had been the catalytic converter. He'd tried to repair it himself, but the job required a lift. Something our wonderful home at the beach just doesn't have.

I tell Jess I'll be there as soon as I can and get some directions from him. (I thought it was really close.) I set out walking while I was still talking to him. A little while later he calls me and realizes I'm walking and freaks out a little because he's like 10 miles away and there aren't good sidewalks all the way to him. *sigh* So, I turn around and try to problem solve with him. He's not up for it. So, I get off the phone with him and call our Home Teacher (the one we've had since we moved here) for a suggestion on where to take the van (hopefully). No such luck, but in talking with him, I do realize a couple of actions I CAN take. So, I go back to the temple.

Back at the temple I wait a lot. I was able to speak to Brother Recker about the situation and he was thoughtful and generous in offering to bring us back with him when he finished (at 9:30pm) if we still needed that help. Additionally, after a bit, I was given information on the Transient Bishop. Did you know there was such a thing?? I didn't. What a valuable (ADDITIONAL) service those hardworking, unpaid, leader-guys do!! As I learned, the Transient Bishop alternates among the Bishops in the Stake. Finally, a plan develops to get me to my family. Fernando, a grounds worker, and Joe B., the security guy, take me out to my family at the playground AND THEN THEY WAIT with us until we know what's going on with the van.

While Jess was stuck, he ended up meeting a Grandma with her grandson and chatting with her, sharing a bit about the situation and some of his frustration. Judy, the Grandma, contacted her son who is a mechanic. Chris, Judy's son, arrived at the playground soon after I got there. He and Jess work to try to jimmy-rig a start up for us to get home. It doesn't work, but the Christ-like love Chris showed through his service was READILY apparent. During this time Judy went home (a couple blocks away) and came back with drinks and chips for Jess and the girls. I arrived while she was away. I think she left again and returned, but I'm not sure. In any event, before she left the final time, she hands Jessie something. Jessie hands it to me. A grocery store gift card for... FIFTY dollars! That's a big sum for us... for groceries. That's the total of what we normally spend on groceries in a week during a FULL refrigerator week!!!!! (Full fridge weeks are when we're living posh... not as often occurring as bare fridge weeks, lately. We DO have sufficient for our needs, though! Father is faithful and always makes things last longer than I think they will.) Since I did have SOME money budgeted for groceries for this week, this tremendous gift is going to buy the desired diapers, buy some dish soap (which we're almost out of), two notebooks (needed for record keeping/school stuff) and a bit of food to boot! What a mighty merciful Heavenly Father we have!!! What a marvelous miracle and some silver lining to the black cloud of the van putzing on our Temple trip day.

If it wasn't for this temple trip, I still wouldn't know what to do about diapers and we'd have a really bare fridge. Elder Howard W. Hunter (at the time) said, "It has always been encouraging to me that the Lord said it is the “willing and obedient [who] shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days." (D&C 64:33-34) All of us can be willing and obedient. If the Lord had said the perfect shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days, I suppose some of us would be discouraged and give up." In the conference talk: “Developing Spirituality,” Ensign, May 1979, 24. Yall so totally know I'm not perfect, but I'm willing and REALLY truly trying to be obedient. And I can testify to the fact that Heavenly Father will bless us to '0eat the good of the land' is we do our best. Isn't that what all this is?

The weather was not horrible through all this. But I was worried about the girls spending too much time outside. I thought it would be better for us to have a place to be after the van was towed away (thankfully we have AAA+... up to 100 mile tows are free and it was 88.8 miles from where the van was to our home). So, in speaking to my Transient Bishop, I did ask him to find a place for us to BE until Brother Recker finished his work in the temple (9:30pm). He did find us such a place.

Apparently, this month "my" Bishop is either the Bishop for the area directly surrounding the temple OR the Spanish Ward Bishop, because he has a member who lives in a house RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from the temple. Seriously. So, Fernando and Joe drive me with my girls from the playground to the Ordinalo Family's home. WOW. BIG. The family is BIG-hearted and wonderful! They are truly more beautiful than their amazing home!!! Thankfully they have a 7 year old daughter who enjoys young girls because Ria and Kat just had a wonderful time with her! Brother and Sister Ordinalo are gracious and kind. Their children were wonderfully tolerant (especially the youngest).

Brother Recker picks us up from the Ordinalo's home just after 9:30pm and brings us home. The van is sitting ever-so-nicely in the driveway... mocking us? We go to sleep.

TODAY
This morning saw Jessie bring the van to a shop in town (via another tow). There he received a quote for another $300 job. (The previous one was $100). Thankfully, the guys at this shop pushed the van job to the head of the que (because Jess had to be at work by 3pm). It was completed in time for Jess to get to work! Amazing, right? We've paid for the necessary part as well as labor out of our Rent money for October. Not good. But I have to have Faith. Father is faithful, thus must I be! After the marvelous miracles He's made manifest in the last 36 hours, I must keep a firm mind and focus on Faith. I REALLY do want that Gift of the Spirit! I REALLY want to be like Helaman's Son's Mothers... the Mothers who KNEW! *sigh* So, if you think of it, please send up a prayer for us!

Another bit of silver lining is the possibility that this stumbling block may be the pressure Jess needs to have a specific conversation with his employers. This is a GOOD thing. If you think to pray for us, please pray for Jess to speak with the best words to present his case for an increase in pay that truly is deserved.

A NOTE
Recently my "little" sister sent a mail to my girls and me. In it there was a note for my Kitty Kat on a blue cloud with tin-foil around the edge. On the note my sister wrote that she and I had made that cloud and a few others like it many years ago. THAT cloud has been such a blessing to ME (even though it was sent to my daughter)!!! I'm planning to have a FHE about seeing the good during the difficult (training our eyes to SEE) and TRYing to see the glass half-full... and then make more silver lined clouds as a craft during the conversation. My girls seem to listen best when they have something to do. Not always, but often, that seems to be the case. I hope and plan to post and hang these clouds around the house as reminders of my sister's gift AND the need to train our eyes to be the kind that DO see! ^_^

THANK YOU EVELYN!!! I LOVE YOU!

Adventures of this Post-Dates Mama

So, as of now (since it's almost 3am), I'm officially 13 days overdue. So annoying. At this point I'm annoyed merely because of the dictates of law and such. In about 5.5 hours I have to make it to an ultrasound. I've made it THIS far and haven't had one and now I "have" to have one... to preserve my opportunity/option for a homebirth I have to do it. On the positive/brighter side, if I was under a Doc's care I would have to go in somewhere (doc office or hospital) for non-stress tests every few days (and would've had to start that rediculousness way before now!). So, there's a lot I have to be grateful for... but, gosh darn it, I'm still annoyed about having to have an ultrasound at all! :(

I was feeling quite blue and bummed on Sunday (after breaking down in tears to my Mom the night before) because of the whole post-dates issue. I was especially annoyed by some of the comments non-thinking persons made to me about the subject at church on Sunday. "What's the hold-up, Mama?" Or, and I love this one, "Why are you taking so long?!" as if I was purposefully and consciously trying to NOT have this baby. Who in their right mind would do THAT? Okay, so maybe my mind isn't always right... but I certainly am NOT loopy enough to want to keep being preggie!!!

I admit there may be some things going on subconsciously, but REALLY TRULY I do NOT know what they are! I mean, I've tried NOT having anything planned so that things just happen, I've tried PLANNING things (because we ALL know how much kiddos love to interrupt, even before they're born)... nothing has worked. And I really have tried... as much as I can, anyway.

I suppose I'm just one of those women who go for a whole 40 weeks of actual gestation (which would be tomorrow, as a matter-of-fact), at least the 22nd of Octboer will be 40 weeks of gestation from the date of the act... since sperm can, under the right conditions, live in the uterus for up to 7 days, the 22nd could possibly be as "little" as 39 weeks of actual gestation (since I know the day we DTD that got me with child). *sigh* It's not for a lack of knowledge this little bugger-boo isn't here... that's for sure!

I'm so glad no one has made the "royal" mistake of suggesting castor oil or something equally or even more dangerous (castor oil can cause the baby to poop in utero and we ALL know we don't want our babies inhaling THAT stuff... BAD BAD BAD!). Someone did suggest a trampoline tonight and I countered with the fact that I'd rather be preggie for a WHOLE week longer than lose my waters at the beginning of labor!!! I KNOW the difference between laboring with and without amniotic fluid and I would fight just about anyone to keep the cush of that fluid until the very end of the already difficult labor process!!!! It's that distinct and tremendous a difference!!!

As we were leaving church on Sunday our Stake President stopped Jess to ask about the next Food Storage food preparation class (he's done 3 so far, on a monthly basis, and they're a BIG hit). I had to use the bathroom. When I came out President Markovitz asked me how I was feeling &/or when we would have the baby and I said something dismissive about myself and that we were 11 days overdue. He immediately asked if I would like a blessing. WHY that hadn't occurred to me, I'm not sure, but I TOTALLY jumped at the opportunity. What a JOY and TRULY a blessing that blessing of comfort has been!!

I've felt SUCH peace concerning this pregnancy and just about EVERYTHING else in my life since Sunday afternoon!! The blessing was like a huge blanket, too... it touched on just about every subject my prayers regularly deal with and provided me with such hope and... HOPE! What's more than that!? Well, I also felt a sense of sureness that I didn't feel before... like the hopes I've had will come to pass, so it's like I've been given a huge blanket of "sure hope" like the kind I've read about... I've felt that sure hope through the whole of today and it's SUCH a tremendous source of comfort and peace!!! I feel so grateful and blessed!!!!!! So, even though I still want to have this baby whenever it's ready, I don't feel anxious about when s/he comes! YEAY... what a joy and relief!

Training
Monday night Mary Kay and Tim came over for FHE (they did the lesson!) and some training for Mary Kay. I worked on teaching Mary Kay how to cut a guy's hair. This is the way I'm contributing to the service trade with Mary Kay for her time teaching Ria how to play the piano. It was such a pleasure to have them in our home! Mary Kay REALLY caught on very quickly to the clipper/trimmer part of the cut and it was getting quite late when it was time for blending the clipper cut to the rest. I finished that up and we'll continue the less in a couple weeks, but she was doing REALLY well for a first-timer and I'm so excited to continue teaching her because she catches on so very quickly. It's a difficult thing, cutting a head of hair the right way (able to hold scissors and comb so that the process isn't too drawn out can be especially difficult to get the hang of and she did an AWESOME job!). I don't feel that I was at my best in verbalizing (one of the greatest annoyances of pregnancy to me!) the process, so that's yet another reason I'm so impressed with her and her understanding of my teaching! They are just such a totally sweet couple. They've been married about 5 months and they are totally sweet to be around without being the slightest bit annoying. :) At least, that's how I feel about how they interact.

Jess likes both of them as well, which is just wonderful to me as I hope we'll have many more opportunities to spend time with them. Tim spent time with our girls while I showed Mary Kay how to do a cut on Jess. Tim was just totally wonderful with them. They were really absorbed (even Kat!!! which is a HUGE deal) and totally entertained by the tiny-pumpkin decorating activity they brought over for our girls. What a JOY!

A Visit
I'm so excited and looking forward with great anticipation to a visit... my Mom is going to come see us!!!! We haven't seen her in ages (it'll be almost a year... or is it more than a year?) and we are totally looking forward to her company and any/everything we might get to do with her. Arguably the most exciting thing about the whole visit, for me, is that she'll be here for nearly TWO weeks!!!! It'll be really nice to have company and help from Jess and then my Mom after this babe's arrival... especially since I didn't really have that sort of constant companionship after either of the girls.

Blessings of Love and Tithing

"I believe with all my heart that if they will accept the gospel and live it, pay their tithes and offerings, even though those be meager, the Lord will keep His ancient promise in their behalf, and they will have rice in their bowls and clothing on their backs and shelter over their heads." A statement by President Gordon B. Hinkley in a missionary meeting, Philippines Cebu Mission, 1 June 1996. (“Inspirational Thoughts,” Ensign, Aug. 1997, 3)

Malachi 3:10 "Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

I felt so very sad and down when, last month, I couldn't put any money toward any of the charitable offerings we can do through the LDS church. Normally we don't do much, we do just enough to stretch (keep things from being too "cushy"), which is the point as I understood it from this one article/talk I read. Anyway... I was so sad and even cried about it and wondered in my small and silly way if I would be reprimanded for not being able to maintain those efforts I'd been making. Well, I have to say, I think NOT!

We've been blessed constantly to have our food storage tremendously supplemented with fresh fruits, veggies, bread, and milk for the past many weeks. If that's not blessings falling from heaven (and confirmation that I'm not being reprimanded), I don't know what is!

In addition to ALL of that, in the last couple of days we've been blessed by living angels! Yesterday, Jess called me from work to let me know that his co-workers had purchased 3 bags of newborn diapers for us! Then today, my dear friend, Heather, showed up to check on me because I'd sounded down on my voice mail. AND another of my dear friends, Sage, came by with pizza (which I've been TOTALLY craving for the last 2 weeks), root beer (my favorite soda!), vanilla ice cream (can you say root beer floats!?), and pickles (just because I'm preggie!) because she'd just been thinking about it for the last few days! Aren't those acts of service and love just the sweetest? I think I have room enough in my heart to receive all that love and I'm certainly trying to accept it without reservation, but it certainly does feel a bit overwhelming.

Ya know, I really feel I have to share (and I want to) that the most awesome part of all this is that when I was feeling my most desperate this past weekend, over the whole CRUD with Jess, I did have some fierce arguments with myself on many topics. One of those subjects of internal debate was regarding Heavenly Father's love and whether I deserved it or not... I thought that perhaps I'd done something wrong and wasn't a cherished daughter anymore. I know, I know... pretty silly and totally lame, but I was SUPER down. I was able to talk myself away from that stupidity, but it still FELT sort of real, even though I KNEW it wasn't. Ya know? Well, then these things happen... and I totally FEEL the love and FEEL cherished... and it makes me feel so totally and completely grateful! What an AWESOME Father in Heaven we have!!!!

Oh, and yes, I'm still preggie
I think the heading says it all! :) My across-the-street neighbor yelled across to ask if I'd had the baby. I think I look totally bloated and pregnant, but I guess not to everyone. Of course, she just realized I was pregnant about 2 weeks ago! (I seriously think I've looked pregnant for AT LEAST the last 2-3 months!) In answer to her query, I turned to the side and held my huge t-shirt over the belly so she could see for herself. She did, as most people do, the pitying facial expressions and then suggested I go for a run on the beach.

And THAT, my friends, is why I haven't left the house lately! I know people mean well, but seriously... pity and weird suggestions for inducing labor?! OF course, they don't know that I can barely walk because of either hip or back pain... and most recently because I'm feeling super front heavy! but if I went for a run and it caused labor to start, I wouldn't be able to labor in motion, which would cause the whole thing to drag out forever! The only really safe and sort of possibly effective methods of self-induction are: pressure points (acupressure, but I don't know enough about it to avoid the points that could cause the baby to pooh in utero!), acupuncture (OFTEN works, but we can't afford it), massage (could work, but can't afford it), and sex (which was just causing false labor and I just am not interested in it anymore for various reasons). So, possibly TMI*, but... I suppose that's still a bit "Tori" for ya. I really have improved in that regard, but it seems, on this subject especially, TMI goes with the territory.

ChaCha
I've maintained my Top Guide status thus far. I'm happy about that and pleased with my performance; especially when I accomplish a number of searches at 30 seconds or less! But even though my searches have improved, I haven't worked as much primarily because I'd felt guilty about working when the girls are awake and decided to curb that (and pretty much stopped it most of the time).

Even though I worked a lot less during the day, I've still maintained either a very heavy part-time job status or a light full-time job status (between 20 and 32 hours each week). My payout for the month was about half as much as last month... HOPEFULLY, though, I can purchase the Math program I want to start Ria on, but I'll have to make sure things work out in the budget as far as everything being covered by Jessie's paychecks. It should because we've still got another 2 checks coming for the month, which means catch-up money and rent... hopefully it'll work out so we can "officially" start Math in a way that doesn't scare the bejeebers out of me (and Jess, for that matter). My goal is to work for a piano in the next month... we'll see how that goes, of course. And if I have to cover bills, it won't happen. :(


*Too Much Information

An Amazing Blessing and Gift

Yesterday I picked up the mail. Jess often, if not usually, does that. But it was really nice that I got to do it and that he wasn't around to witness the ugly blubbering of his pregnant wife. I read a note (which I always tear into straight away because it's SUCH a treat to me to get actual mail and not just bills or junk!!) and almost immediately tears were streaming down my cheeks. Soon after the tears came sobs that totally surprised me and alarmed Ria. The note itself was definitely enough to get me crying, but I do think that the sobbing was pregnancy induced. I have, actually, gotten MUCH better at being a bit more reserved in my shows of emotion (especially the ones that make people uncomfortable). If you've known me for a while, you KNOW what I'm talking about! ;)

Okay, so what got me sobbing uncontrollably? Well, a little back-story is rather necessary here... I know I mentioned in a prior post that we've been having a much more difficult time with finances since Jess isn't working the part-time gig anymore. We're actually doing so poorly that we are receiving food assistance from Church. If it weren't for the help we are receiving from them we wouldn't have fresh milk, fresh fruits & veggies, or any real meat AND we would MUCH more quickly be tearing into and eating up our food storage. That's what it's for, of course. And I'm SO very thankful for the blessing of the anxiety Father bestowed upon me to gather together food stuffs because it enables us to ask for far less from our Church than we would otherwise need to ask. Needless to say, probably, we have little money for anything beyond our bills. We're eeking by with gas and asking for rides as much as possible.

I'm working doing the ChaCha thing and trying to get other things going to make money. I'll receive my first paycheck, since quitting the teaching thing a few years back, in the next few days. That money is set aside for gas for the van and Dance class for Ria. The latter may seem odd, or even frivolous to some, but it is SUPER important to me for MANY reasons, but I'm going to share the main two reasons. #1 reason dance class is so important to me that I'm willing and DO sacrifice in many other areas personally and as a family: Ria is and will continue to be homeschooled. We don't have tons of opportunities for her to spend time with other children her age. We often cannot drive out to playgroup activities with the Mom's groups in the area and/or to other friends' from church.

#2 reason: I know that dance as an activity will cultivate in my daughter many desirable attributes and characteristics that would be difficult to help her attain without it. For instance, and as only one example, Ria LOVED being on stage! Would we have discovered this about her without dance and her opportunity to participate in the recital at such a young age?? I don't know... but I really REALLY don't think so! Attached to that attribute (her enjoyment of the "bright lights and applause") is the feeling I have that as long as she can look forward to recitals she will, in some way, retain her enjoyment of being in front of people in that way. I LONG for my children to be comfortable in front of groups where I totally was not and had to and STILL have to REALLY stretch to put myself "out" there.

I could go on and on about why dance class is super important as a part of Ria's home education, but I won't. Basically, because the van sucks up tons of gas, that and the dance class will eat up my meager earnings from ChaCha, so I was trying to come up with more ways I could earn money to pay for our midwife. (Thus the blogging for money and searching for writing work.)

The whole issue was causing me great anxiety, which I was using to feed my work on the ChaCha thing and search for more work. I can't illustrate completely the amount of time I've sat on my butt in front of this computer lately. I wonder if I'm going to develop bedsores! No, not really... I DO still walk almost daily. But my butt REALLY does hurt by the time I go to bed around 2 or 3am (I do most of the consistent work I'm able to get done between around 9pm and 2am or later). In addition to the seriously late nights, I also do the ChaCha thing when the girls are watching their after-Ria's-reading-class-movie. If they happen to take a nap together, I work. If they are playing nicely together, I work. It's been stressful and I've felt like SUCH a bad Mama because I've spent so little time with my kiddos and so much time saying, "Ok, I'll be there in a minute." :( I know I'm not a bad Mama, but the feeling is still there. Ya know? Anyway... the point?

Well, yesterday we received in the mail, which I was so lucky to have to pick up!, a very sweet note from an anonymous benefactor. In the communication their love was extended and they expressed their desire to assist us in paying for our midwife. They'd heard we were in a difficult situation and didn't know how we'd get the money to finish payments (due at 36 weeks gestation, which is speedily approaching!). They'd been pondering for a while how they should use the "free" money from the government, which they'd recently received. When they realized our situation, they explained, they felt their answer was in that information. So, they sent the money on to us... and as of the next time we see our midwife, we will be: PAID IN FULL!!!! Can you believe it? Isn't that amazing and wonderful and... a MIRACLE!?!?!!?

If that's not the most awesome and amazing thing... let me add a bit more detail to help convince you. ;) The night before (Fri. night) I'd knelt in earnest prayer and tearfully shared my heart with Father. I truly feel that we really are doing the best we can and that I, personally, didn't feel that I could do any more than I was doing (by then I'd already added looking for additional writing work and such). I explained that and immediate I felt the complete peace and a sense of, "It's going to be all right," communicated to my mind. This feeling totally did NOT jive with my mental figuring, but I've had enough of miracles in my life (especially since just before and since our move here) to know that I should trust in the feeling rather than continue to try to figure it out. And then the special piece of mail happens the very next day!

Now, I know that the note and check were already in the mail when I said that prayer. But, you see, to me the miracles Father has bestowed upon me and my family are SO much in timing! For instance, someone may have been planning something for a while, but then they DO it for us right after I made a wished in my heart or prayed specifically about it. And, to me, that's still an enormous and amazing miracle!

We are tremendously blessed! I'm so grateful to those who have blessed our lives - in this moment I feel surging love for the benefactor who has acted as an Instrument in the Father's Hands in blessing us with the gift of decreased stress and anxiety over payment of our midwife by providing it for us! Thank you!!!!

As an ending note... I feel SO much less anxiety and so much MORE motivated by desire (rather than anxiety) to continue working ChaCha and to continue efforts to find additional (and hopefully significantly better paying) work to fill in the current gap in our finances. This is a wonderful and exciting feeling to/for me because in the past, when anxiety has been relieved (in situations similar, in any way, to what we're in now), I didn't feel the need or motivation to continue previous efforts. This time I feel inspired and just plain ol' motivated to keep going! That, too, is a HUGE blessing of this gift and I'm tremendously, heart-full-to-exploding grateful!!!! ^_^

Trials as Blessings Revisited

I've been thinking about this a lot since the first post about it. One of the biggest blessings I've felt in many trials we've faced lately is the perspective it provides on progress. If this isn't clear, let me explain what I mean.

About a year ago I was quite depressed as a result of a number of trials both physical and emotional. I didn't weather the daily difficulties very well and life just felt SUPER overwhelming. While I still have days that feel SUPER overwhelming, there haven't been any, lately, as bad as they regularly occurred in my experience of reality a year ago. So, even though the difficulties we've been facing lately are on par with those of a year ago, the reactions are different. I can only fully speak for myself here, of course.

Also, the trials, as of late, have helped me to feel Father's love because I can see A LITTLE how he has made provisions for us in so many ways because HE could see the storms ahead and HE created sort of protected pathways for us. Like the overhead protection over some walkways at school... it won't keep all the weather off, but it'll shelter you from some of the worst of it, if you stick to the path. Right? I've felt that this time so very much. And am so - beyond words - grateful!

Kat
So a cute little scene (I didn't catch with the camera, but is frozen as a scene in my mind) I enjoyed observing with Kat today: She was sitting in a little child's chair that she rarely ever deigns to perch upon. She'd claimed one of the twin baby dolls Heidi gave Ria for Christmas a couple years ago (those are their FAVORITE baby dolls!) and was sitting this this little chair playing with the doll and holding a book. She decided to focus on the "reading" the book and commenced to position her baby doll next to her in the chair. It was funny and sweet to see how specifically she wanted that baby situated so that the baby was right next to her and she'd be able to hold the book open to read and so the baby could see it, too. When the baby was situated, she opened the book and began "reading" to herself and the baby. You have to understand that, for Kat, all books are Hymnals waiting to be! It's wonderful to observe this little singer we have. Often loud, but still wonderful! ^_^

She also had a very good day in Nursery. Sage, my dear friend, is now our nursery leader with her husband. We could NOT be luckier!!!! I'm so grateful to have someone who loves children as dearly as she does in Nursery interacting with my Kitty Kat! Sage told me that Kat was a little sad at the beginning and kept calling, "Daa-eee!" but by the end she was interacting and happy. I knew this because I'd checked on her a few times (as I still do) and saw that she seemed quite comfy and happy. :) But it was really wonderful to hear from my friend... she's so observant and attentive and it really warms my heart and fills me with gratitude that she'll be Kat's Nursery Leader for a while. Troy, her hubbie, is wonderful as well. He's a very nice guy and a calm presence for the little ones. I think there's a good chance Skyler, a 4 year old who suffered a... WOW, I've completely forgot the name for the brain version of a heart attack... sheesh... my brain is very holey lately (as is pretty normal for most preggie women). Well, anyway, I hope you will understand what I meant by that description. Anyway, Skyler had one of those brain attacks while a very small baby. As a result he does not yet walk, he doesn't really talk, and he can be rather difficult. He's very smart, in my observation, though. He doesn't much like for his care provider to spend time with other children, though, so that can make him especially challenging in Nursery because there are always other children to interact with! Anyway... I can totally see Sage and Troy just being wonderful and, in fact, perfect for all of our Nursery children!!!

Ria
We have a new chorister in Primary. I asked Ria what she thought of Sister Stefflick. She said, "She has a beautiful smile!" :) Mary Kay Stefflick does have a beautiful smile. She and her new hubbie are new in the ward and she was just called to be chorister. She did a really wonderful job with the children today and they seemed taken with her. I'm glad. Our last chorister is a hard act to follow! ^_^

Ria enjoys being in the spotlight SO much! She has a great difficulty with NOT having opportunities to get up and participate in activities at the front of the room. In fact, this is one of the biggest difficulties we have (at this point) that I have a difficult time addressing. She doesn't have to raise her hand in class because she's the only student when we work on her classes... she does have to just observe when I'm doing 'cool' with Kathryn, but that's not as often as she needs the practice. So, this is a challenge resulting from homeschooling that I'm going to have to find a way to address. Basically, she just needs to understand that she has to wait to be called on and raise her hand if she wants to participate (and know that she won't always be called on even if she does raise her hand) in Primary. We'll see.

Jess
Found a little paperback cookbook I bought for him about a year ago. He totally didn't remember receiving it and was curious about it. Pretty funny, that, but since he found it he was excited to try something out of it. It's called the Hillbilly something or other. Anyway... he made the Rebel Cake today. It's actually quite yummy and pretty easy (few ingredients) to make. No eggs, no butter... and very good to the taste buds. It actually makes me think of a really wonderful breakfast bread... spicey like they often are. We've eaten almost half of it already today! ^_^ So, Jess is excited to try another recipe out of his Hillbilly cookbook. :) I knew he would like it once he tried it!!!

It's Fixed.... er... Maybe Not

Did I mention that we found out Sunday afternoon that Jess wouldn't be able to work at the Cafe this week because the owner closed for all but two days of the week!?!?!??? Talk about adding financial stress to an already brittle pair of psyches!! We felt even more grateful that our home teacher had given us such a generous monetary gift. As it happens, it will pay for our food and gas (what the Cafe income usually covers)!!!

Monday Bro. Vaughn (my visiting teacher's husband) came over to help Jess work on the van. It was a huge blessing that he did because Jess was planning to attempt a thermostat replacement (difficult because of tight van engine space) . As it happens there was nothing wrong with the thermostat! John, aka Bro. Vaughn, has a background in mechanics. Obviously, his experience is greater than Jessie's considerable experience because he, John, was able to suggest some diagnostic sort of things that Jess hadn't considered. By the time John left we thought the problem was fixed. Not permanently, but we thought it would last, perhaps, 2-5 years. Jess even drove the van to and from work with no apparent problems. Jess even filled the van to the ridiculous and upsetting tune of $96!!!! Can you believe it? Very stressful.

Tuesday morning arrives (Jess had the whole day off) and so he's preparing to leave to go grocery shopping. Being the responsible husband and father that he is he proceeds to check on the repair work only to realize that the water leak had resumed to the same degree as previous. Return of the broken van.

He spent some time trying to remedy the problem with the same fix he'd used the day before. All to no avail, unfortunately.

We realized quite quickly that the only way to really fix this problem was to have someone else do it because Jess just doens't have the tools, experience, or time to deal with it himself. BIG problem, though... we totally do NOT have any money to deal with this problem!

Oh, did I forget to mention that we received notice that our student loan payment has increased about $70-$75?? Yes, it has. And I think I haven't shared, yet, that our landlords let us know Tuesday morning that, to get the new stove we've needed (since moving in here) and requested for the last 6 months we would have to sign a year lease. Oh... AND that if we didn't sign the new lease... $75 increased monthly rent payment... then he would be marketing the house to find new tenants. This fellow KNOWS we're expecting a new addition to our family and decides to pull this crap now!??? We really thought we had a great landlord, but I'm thinking NOW that perhaps we just had a great intermediary to deal with. Our landlord hasn't ever spoken to us prior to Tuesday... we've always talked to his property manager. So, this particular bit of information is very disturbing to ME.

Why should rent increase be disturbing? Well, quite a long while ago (around 6 months now) I had this really strong feeling and impression that we should plan to move soon. Attached to that impression/feeling was another strong feeling of like kind that if our rent should be raised, that would be a clear indication that the time had definitively arrived! So, as depressing as it feels to me, I think I will be moving with another newborn!!! :( But, it's not for sure. I just don't have a SURE feeling/answer as yet. I'm praying. Would you pray for me to understand, too? I would appreciate it!

So, not only do we have less money coming in because Jessie's hours at the Cafe have been drastically reduced (not even considering this current week's fiasco!), but we have at least one significant bill increase (through no fault of our own) and another that may increase should we learn/decide that we should remain here for at least another year. And then a shop bill to repair the van. Well, given our circumstances there is no way we could even consider adding anther monthly payment to this mess of finances. The only other option, since neither Jess nor I have rich families, to ask for help from our Ward.

If you have never had to do this... then you will not understand how we are feeling. And, really, there's NO way to describe to you/for you the frustration and desperation inherent in such a time. If you have asked for assistance from church, then you might understand a little. But you will probably NOT understand the feelings Jess and I have because this is not the first, not the second, but the THIRD time we're in such circumstances! It is very upsetting. I really truly thought that we would not encounter such a situation again since I really believe we are doing what we should be and living where Father wants us to be and so forth.

Still... I try to comfort myself with the possibility that all of this may be in answer to my prayers... do you remember my ALMA scripture reading the other night? So, I'm clinging to that at this point.

Since we didn't know (and still don't) how long the repair might take we decided to accept some help offered to us by a sweet couple, the Bugnets, in our Ward. They told me on Sunday that they had two cars just sitting at their home because they'd felt inspired NOT to sell them. So, if we encountered the need of a vehicle to make it through, they asked that we please let them know and they would be more than happy to lend us one. We decided to accept that offer and ask for their help. Jess went with Peter to pick up the car and drove it home last night. What a blessing! We seriously needed to get groceries and I was trying to figure out who to ask to take me. And I didn't like the idea of going myself because Jess is SOOO much better at getting just what is on the list and staying within or under the budgeted amount! With the borrowed car, Jess was able to get the grocery shopping done this morning AS WELL AS follow the tow for the van to the shop to talk with the mechanic there.

Jess has taken care of everything this time. I'm very pleased about that! Especially in light of the fact that I started to get super sick Monday night. I had a truly horrible sore throat and head throbbing headache. That turned into a wracking cough last night and I've been spitting up green stuff all day! :( My voice is starting to come back as I get more of the crud out of my chest, but it's still rather painful to speak - especially at more than a whisper. What a day.

Jess contacted our Elder's Quorum President (because our Home Teacher is out of town) to ask for assistance with the van repair. After EQP spoke to Bishop, we were reminded of the requirement to ask our families for assistance. That bit is really easy to forget to do because it makes the whole difficulty of the rotten situation feel even more horrible. But Jess did ask his Dad and I did ask my Mom. They are both helping to their ability, which is more than we expected. (We expected that they would not have any means what-so-ever with which TO help. We knew they would want to, but the ability to do so was the question.)

So, this morning Jess was able to follow the tow to the shop and talk to the mechanic and then go to the grocery store. YEAY! I had to recopy my original list onto another sheet of paper because Jess needed more paper room than the first offered to tally the prices as he went and I forgot to put milk on there! See, had I gone I would have remembered AND purchased that, but Jess just figured I didn't feel there was money in the budget so we couldn't get it this time. See what I mean!?? He's wonderful! Unfortunately, I get a good bit of protein from my milk, so he's going to stop and pick it up on his way home from work tonight. What a guy!

As it happens, the quote for the repair on the van is acceptable and the work was approved by our Ward. It appeared (to the last time we heard before Jess had to 'scooby' off to the Club) that the head gasket needed to be replaced... I believe. It's a rubber piece that wore out over time. It is, apparently, a common occurrence in Chevy Astro vans. So, hopefully we will have a fully operational vehicle of our own back before too long. :)

It sure is lovely to open the door to the garage and see the beautiful machine we have borrowed. A golden Mitsubishi Gallant. I haven't driven it - or even been in it, but hope to get a chance before we return it. I can't remember the last time I drove a vehicle so new and pretty! :) I'm really not a vehicle snob because I am so totally grateful for what we do have (especially when it is functioning properly), but it's pretty fun to have things that are nice to look at too, right?

I hope you will see and feel (through my depressed state of mind due to the stress AND illness combo) that we are amazingly blessed through all this difficulty! Isn't it amazing to see and feel Father's love!!?? We are so blessed to have a Father in Heaven who loves us so completely!!

Many thanks and much gratitude to those who have helped and desired to help us through this, our great difficulty! Joey - provident gift giver!! Brother and Sister Bugnet - beautiful machine lenders! Mom Farrell and Dad Gollihugh - helping to get the van repaired! Leslie - ride to and from church! Judy - dire to help bring Jess to work and lending of her husband's trucking tools for van repair! Chris - desire to help Jess get to and from work! Jena - willingness to help with the girls and cleaning of any sort! Our Bishop/Ward - van repair funding!! Shaun and Chris (Jessie's co-workers) who toted Jess and to from work one day each (thus far)!

Trials as Blessings

As any Christian should know, we are supposed to be thankful for the joys and blessings of life AS WELL AS the trials and difficulties. One of the trials in life is to recognize the trials as blessings - at this has been a great difficulty for me! Well, since our move to our current home, I have actually come to see many of our trials and difficulties as blessings. My shortcoming (failure?) has been in the LONG time it takes me to recognize them as such. Translated, that means that whilst in the trial I'm all down and depressed and feeling like either Jess or the world is beating up on me/us. It can certainly seem like that, of course. And so I realize that I'm not a ridiculous person to have these feelings. But when I have been able to "see with spiritual eyes," as it were, and discern the gift in/of the trial I've felt disappointed in myself for not seeing with those clear eye while in the MIDST of those trials. Ya know?

I feel joyful and thankful during this, our current trial, because I can see the hand of The Lord at work in our lives even while IN the difficulty.

As a reminder, our car broke down and we sold it for $200. I'm not sure if I mentioned that the problem was that it was overheating. Jess thought he could remove the thermostat and it would be fine, but that particular car cannot operate without a thermostat. Anyway, it became a really troublesome situation and took two and a half days worth of Jessie's time off to deal with. Not only was the money spent really not available, per se, but Jessie's time away from the girls was SUPER expensive to me. In fact, the time he was not able to spend with them troubled me more than the monetary expense since we technically had the money as a result of that extra gov't money we received this year.

Anyway... all that info is really just to draw an interesting coinkydink for you later....

Last night the van broke down. Yeah, can you believe it? Poor Jess is feeling like the world is VERY heavy on his back right now. First the car, then his illness, the realization that our bills and growing disproportionate to our income (due to increased student loan payment), and now the van. :( I know I've mentioned before that he's been pretty stressed out lately. (We have, but I would say I'm definitely in the "eyes of the spirit" ability through all of it a bit more than ever before - so it's not weighing super heavy on me.) He just felt like the added burden of the problem with the van was unbearable.

The problem? It overheated... for the second time (and third time to get too hot - while I'm not TOO certain of the distinction, I know it is an important one). So, Jess came in from work last night REALLY dark. I mean, his whole countenance was just DARK. When he came in from parking the van he didn't speak to me, so I knew something was very wrong. He told me about the problem and I felt concern, but not really worried.

As it happens, I felt immediately that we could not spend anything to repair it via a shop (or really at all) because of our financial situation. And, honestly, I was thinking more in terms of finding rides for Jess to get to and from work and asking around for HELP. I had some specific ideas of help we could ask for, but not sure who or how to ask.

Jess went to bed and I sat up pondering upon the problem. I, basically always, feel that when something goes wrong it is a direct result of something I've done wrong. I've had this feeling as long as I can remember (way back in 6th grade I remember this feeling!). Anyway... I kept sitting there and trying to figure out ways I could fix things and sort of praying without formally praying. There came to me the very distinct impression as a voice in my mind, "It isn't about you this time." And I felt SO relieved and just better. But then I wondered what Jess had done wrong! (So typical of me, really.) He hadn't done anything wrong. Just in case you're wondering, but the answer to my wondering mind came as I read the next Chapter in my Book of Mormon. Alma 32 I won't go into the realization that came to me for numerous reasons, but if you know the chapter and my family, you may have a pretty good clue without it. :)

Anyway... the funny part about all of that (wondering and realization) is that I was sitting there prior to reading and thought, "How likely is it that the answer I need will be in the next chapter I would be reading anyway!?" And then, as I started to read I thought, "Well, it probably won't be here, so I'm going to skim through here until I feel some peace and feel some sort of understanding." All of that I thought while I was still in the first verse. Well, it didn't take long before I felt completely at peace and sure that the very chapter I was reading did, in fact, contain the answers and understanding I desperately sought.

And so, I began to be in the "seeing with spiritual eyes!"

I had pondered long about who I should call for help and how I could/should handle the situation. When it came time for my prayer before bed I brought my ideas to the Lord and mentioned that I thought I should call our Home Teacher and Relief Society President. The VERY specific response was, simply, "Call Joey." I asked again about calling our Relief Society Pres and weather I should call the compassionate service leader instead. The same response came very quietly, but almost sternly, "Just call Joey." So, I felt it was super clear that our Home Teacher should be the one and only call I needed to make. I went to bed feeling calm and relieved.

I don't know if I've mentioned how I tend to be a sort of "satellite dish" of people's feelings. But this ability/curse is especially strong with people I know well and love deeply. Well, Jess, obviously fits into that category.

I woke up with the girls this morning to give Jess a couple hours more to rest (he's usually up with the girls because I have had a VERY difficult time sleeping well at night). I called Joey almost first thing because he usually goes for a bike ride on Saturday mornings, so I figured I'd probably end up leaving him a message. He was actually home preparing to depart for the week! So, we talked and I shared the difficult situation in which we found ourselves. After all of it he asked how he could help. I told him I wasn't really sure, but that I hoped he might have a suggestion of something he might be able to do or someone to call - but that I felt I should just ask him for help. He told me that his brother-in-law was REALLY good with vehicles, so he would give him a call and let me know what he found out.

Jess woke up soon after and he was hyper stressed. I started to feel really worried, which I think goes back to the "satellite dish" issue more than my own personal feelings. He was just sure that we should take the van to a shop or some such suggestion. I was equally sure we just needed to just ask for help and told him I'd already talked to Joey. Jess felt that he really had to do SOMEthing, which I can totally understand and relate to. So, he went and made a call to our Elder's Quorum Pres and left a message there. Joey called back soon after and Jess talked to him and then got to work on trying to remove the thermostat (do you remember the car!? thus the funny coinkydink).

As far as I knew, Jess was working on trying to remove the thermostat when he came back to talk to me (I was lying down with the non-stop headache I've had for more than 2 weeks now AND, of course, fatigue). He seemed weird, but wasn't DARK anymore. The weirdest thing about the way he came back to talk to me was that he asked me to sit up in bed. This is a never-before-made sort of request, thus strange.

I sat up and he started to tell me a little story. He told me that Joey had just stopped by and given him the bag Jess now had and tole a story of his own. The story was one Joey shared with me right after it happened.

JOEY'S STORY
Basically, Joey has a full-time job and does side work for extra money. Well, about 9 months ago he did some of that side work on a Sunday, which he normally would not do. Subsequent to that he didn't receive ANY side work at all until this past week. Joey told Jess that he was sure he received the extra work this week so that he could help us!

Jess Weirdness
So then Jess hands me the bag. By this time my hubbie has already mentioned to me that the needed thermostat was in it, so handing me the bad felt rather weird. Next Jess tells me to open the bag and I felt this sort of creepy weirdness around him again. But I opened the plastic bad anyway. In the bad is the thermostat box and a receipt. On the back of the receipt Joey has written other possible parts that may need to be replaced in the repair job and their respective prices. That touched me because it was SUPER thoughtful and just a bit of "extra mile" sort of thing. Next Jess tells me to open the box. REALLY WEIRD weirdness from him. I did. In the box is a yellow piece of paper that says, "Thanks for being such good friends. Joey" And I started to get all teary eyed because here we are asking for help and HE is thanking US for being good friends! I look at Jess and he gives me this strange look like, 'anything else?' So I look in the little box again and there I see what looks like a 20$ bill. I get even more teary eyed and pull it out only to realize that it's a STACK of 20$ bills!!!! Obviously, if you know me, you know I was full on crying at this point. And NO, I'm not joking. I am TOTALLY 100% serious! $200 worth of 20s, as a matter-of-fact! Can you believe it?!?!! A crazy thing about that amount is that the most expensive replacement part listed on the back of the receipt was $209 and some change!

The really funny thing about this amazing gift is that just earlier this week I'd used one of my Dad's super corny jokes about money in talking with someone. The person with whom I was speaking had asked if there was some way she could help me and my family. I'd pulled out the, "Oh... no. Unless of course you have a stack of bills lying around that you don't need!" Yes, I know, it IS a totally lame joke and felt really REALLY silly for using it. But it's almost as if I couldn't stop myself! Seriously! Anyway... the fact that within the same week of saying such a ludicrous thing out loud and it happening is just beyond amazing, wonderful, and miraculous to me!!! We are so tremendously blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, to continue my theme of the HUGE blessing of seeing with spiritual eyes:

Jess was pretty sure he needed to purchase a specific tool because of the tight situation he has to work in while trying to remove and install the thermostat. I don't know the name of the tool, but it has a universal joint and Jessie's description of it made total sense and I could see in my mind why it would be necessary. So I was totally okay with that expenditure (of gift money!), but he would need to find someone to help him get the part. So, we talked about how to handle that. I'd spoken to one of my Visiting Teachers because I was trying to line up a ride for my family to get to church and she'd already volunteered to take Jess to work, so I figured she wouldn't mind taking him to the parts store instead. So, he called her. And instead of driving him there, she picked up some tools from her husband's big rig (in which he had the needed tool) and brought it to our house. It appears that there is still a part of the tool Jess might need, but it's very likely that he will be able to borrow it as well. (Let's hope, right?)

So one of my VTs offered Jess a ride, another person offered to bring Jess to AND from work all within a couple hours of each other. Thus far we have not had to accept either offer because, as it happens, Jess got a ride into work with a guy who just moved into our little town about a week ago. This guy "coincidentally" works the same schedule as Jess and lives a few blocks away! Can you believe it?? Yes, I AM serious. Can't you just see how Father has prepared the way for our current difficulty to be less difficult - even a blessing?? Boy, I can!!!

I feel such abiding gratitude and even joy in this situation because of the "spiritual seeing" I have been blessed with!!

I have to admit I don't often feel or see the blessing in the constant headaches I've had... or the fatigue, either, for that matter. But I'm making SOME progress, at least. :) hehehe

In Other News about Tori
OH!! I have wonderful news to share. I'm very pleased and perhaps a bit impressed even with this tidbit. ... Assuming I walk today, I will have made it through my FIRST week of walking 6 days out of 7!!!!! Also, because of how last week worked out with the weather, as of yesterday I had walked 8 days straight. Cool, right? I feel good about it because I'm really listening to my body. For instance, even though I walked 50 minutes yesterday, the pace was super slow because I had a muscle cramp in my right side almost the whole time (at varying degrees of pain). I haven't been able to maintain my 80 minute goal, but I still feel really good about my accomplishments (especially just getting OUT and DOING it!!!). ^_^

about Ria and Kitty Kat
Ria and Kat finally got to talk to their Mimi. They want to talk to her every day, though they often don't mention it specifically. They'll say "Mimi," or "Papa" and I'll know they want me to call. My Mom, though, works quite a lot currently, so it's rather pointless to call most of the time. Of course, I do call anyway after some of those unasked requests so that they can leave a message or something.

Anyway, the point is that they both were able to talk to her and BOY, did they talk! I think Ria was on the phone with Mimi for at least 30 minutes. Seriously!!! I left her to it, much of the time, but when I was working on the cookies I was making (specifically for Jessie's midnight cookie run) I was able to hear and observe a bit. It was HILARIOUS! Ria was full of all kinds of sighs and intakes of breath. I'm definitely going to have to pay attention to how I talk on the phone because I can't imagine who else she's mimicking! I mean, Jess is like a poker player almost 24/7! So, it wouldn't be him.... It was entertaining.

Kat was MUCH more vocal on the phone with Mimi than she's been previously on the phone, in general. The really interesting part about the conversation was that I could TOTALLY tell that Kat wanted to tell Mimi about her own hair. So, while Mimi was listening I asked Kat a couple questions and then conveyed the statement Kat desired to share, which was basically, "My hair is really long in front. It hangs into my eyes. I don't like it, so I push it out of my face." After I conveyed that message I asked Kat if that's what she wanted to tell Mimi and she was just tickled pink that I'd said the right thing! What a joy to be able to interpret correctly!!! ^_^

And to share something that I sort of take for granted, but realize I probably shouldn't... so I want to compliment my eldest daughter to you: Ria cleans her own room and has been really successfully doing this since just before her 4th birthday. The closet in which she keeps her toys is not super organized, but everything is put away. Her books are even stacked properly with her 3 different sets stacked together in groups. She's wonderful, don't you think?

I love my family!!!