Every time a baby is born, a Mother is, too. And i mean EVERY time. So, our baby #5 came along ON her due date. First time for everything... many firsts this time, actually. So, see... even with #5 there have been many NEW things/experiences... ways i've been born into being a Mother to a new little human being.
Evelyn Margaret Joy Gollihugh
We're calling her EmJ (sounds like the letters M and J).
She was born on June 10, 2013 at 4:18am.
My smallest baby: 8 pounds 2 ounces. (I did ask for a smaller baby this time. God is GREAT!)
She was 20 inches long.
At her 72 hour visit she was 8 pounds. Not bad given how difficult a time she's had fully latching!
Labor started a little while before it STARTED. Through the night for three nights before it really kicked into gear. So, starting on Thursday, the 6th, i had light contractions... the kind that don't rise and fall... they just ARE. Not fun, but also possible to sleep through (for the most part). Saturday night the contractions became rise and fall and came once each hour. They were strong enough to wake me, but i fell back to sleep after each one. It worked out all right except that i was too tired to go to church first thing in the morning. I slept (except for the hourly contraction).
Baby wasn't moving all that much and since i hadn't had my scheduled weekly visit with my midwife, i was feeling a little anxious, so called and asked her to come check on the baby. She arrived around 330pm. I was 2 cm dilated and the baby was doing just fine. The 2cm wasn't exciting at all given that i've walked 3 for MONTHS before! But at least it was more than it had been a couple weeks earlier.
By around 830pm labor kicked into gear.
I already knew i was pretty much IN LABOR because i got totally stuck on finding two things: a picture of some pictures i wanted to paint and our camera. Both are still missing... unfortunately, i've pretty sure i threw away the picture while looking for it. :( (I'm pretty sure it was in something else i threw out. grrr) The camera... still just totally missing! Pretty sure i know who has caused it to go missing, but she's not spilling any useful information. another GRRRR!
I KNEW i was in labor when i started sobbing because i couldn't find the picture. I mean, all out CRYING hard. Yes, I realized then that i was in labor.
It was probably around 130am or so that i knew things were getting close to time... or, at least, i felt like they were. Jessie called my midwife around 2am. She arrived around 3am. She had enough time to set up. Her assistants arrived right around 4am.
Backup. Karen checked me soon after she arrived. When she told me i was 7cm dilated i almost freaked out. Interally, i TOTALLY freaked out. Why? 7 is good, right? Okay, well... yes, for the most part. Especially from a 2.
HOWEVER...
When Karen arrived for Jmy's birth... over 2 years ago... i was 7cm dilated. Jmy wasn't born for another FIFTEEN HOURS!
Do you understand my reason for feeling a bit upset? If not... well, i'm pretty sure you've never had a long labor before.
So, i felt like i was going to go NUTS in my head. I went to the bathroom and applied rose oil to my abdoment, clary sage to my inner ankles and then Jasmine to my abdomen... all within about 30 minutes. Probably not the best idea if i wanted to maintain any semblance of control over pain or manage anything... at that point, i was just sure i didn't want to be in labor for another 15 hours! The pain of contractions went from around a 6 to around a 9.9 in SHORT order. The contractions also increased in length and intensity... of course.
Around 4am my waters broke. Meconium. Can't find baby's heart tones.
"Time to get that baby out, Tori. Try lying down so we can try to get these tones. Okay, baby likes this. Stay this way."
That didn't last long as i was totally ready to push very quickly. Two pushes and our little girl entered the world... tearing me front and back.
My smallest baby yet. Biggest tear yet. Ironic? Yes. Frustrating, too. ahwell....
So... considering ACTIVE labor... i was probably 'only' in labor for around 8 hours. Pretty stinking awesome considering my "shortest" labor before EmJ was 21.5 hours! Took me 4 tries.
Oh... and the fact that labor started COMPLETELY on it's own this time is completely and utterly wonderful and fantastic to me! Yes, i augmented... but i did NOTHING to get things going or make sure they KEPT going. Praise the Lord for changing me so that i can now trust my body to do what it's meant to do!!
Friday, June 21, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Happy Father's Day
I've always known the truth of this meme.
I've shared it before.
Right now,
I share it again,
in celebration of its truth
and in gratitude
for the Dad my husband
has become.
TO JESSIE:
It's never happened before...
the way you've stepped up.
We've done this a few times,
so i know.
It's happened this time.
Just in time for me to wish you a
Happy Father's Day
with some recent specifics.
Thank you for:
*staying home from work
to make three meals a day...
for two whole days you'd normally
have been at work
(a total of 4 days off in a row)
it's a FIRST!
*doing laundry
while you were home
and again since you've returned
to working at the restaurant.
It's a FIRST
(after a baby's birth)!!
(I do know you started
a couple loads after one baby,
but the doing the whole thing AND folding...
THAT is a FIRST!)
*encouraging me by saying,
"I know you can do it.
"I know you can do it.
Sure it'll be hard,
but you can do it."
when i had to take all 5
to the Chiropractor because
EmJ desperately needed an adjustment.
I wanted to cry (and did).
But i cried less
than if i hadn't heard
what you said.
This is NOT a first.
I'm grateful.
*the funny card.
I did laugh.
*letting me know you
are happy about our baby's birth.
I'm glad to know you are happy she's here.
I've always known that our children need you, love you, and will (to a greater or lesser degree) strive to emulate you and who/how you are. No matter what has happened, i've always wanted them to have you in their lives every day because i know you are good for them and they adore you. I'm grateful our children have a wonderful Daddy. Thank you for working hard to be the wonderful Daddy you are. I very much appreciate the healing time you have blessed me with (more than ever before) this time around. I've definitely needed it! Something about being so old now, i think....
I do have a gift planned. It's not ready, though.
Sorry about that.
It'll be ready when i can make it... hopefully sooner than later!!
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Meditation Monday #35
Today is day 365 of my meditation journey. 365 days in a year... I've been meditating for a YEAR!!!!
I feel so accomplished. :)
I feel so accomplished. :)
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Super Sunday #8
I've missed two days of walking this past week (and i think i'm changing my "week"). I missed Thursday due to rain from TS Andrea. I decided staying well so close to the baby's due date was more important than taking a walk. :)
I also missed yesterday, Saturday. Friday was a day full of the early constant contractions and Saturday was starting out to be the same. So, i slept instead of going for a walk. I definitely needed the sleep, so i don't regret missing my walk too much. I sure am hoping to walk on Monday, though!
I also missed yesterday, Saturday. Friday was a day full of the early constant contractions and Saturday was starting out to be the same. So, i slept instead of going for a walk. I definitely needed the sleep, so i don't regret missing my walk too much. I sure am hoping to walk on Monday, though!
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Blessingway
Have you heard the term? I had, but even though i've read about a couple, i didn't really GET it. I started to "see" when Ali spoke about it at an awesome Mom's Support Group i attended a couple weeks ago. Ali is a LLL leader and was at the Mom's Group to speak about LLL (La Leche League). She mentioned and described the Blessingway concept. It sounded SO nice. I didn't think of it in terms of "for me," though simply because no one i know would do it and i'm not big on doing such things for myself.
Since i'd met Ali and Allison at Mom's Group (they work together for the LLL group that's pretty close) and liked them a lot, i decided to start going to the LLL Meetings before baby arrives as a way to form connections with like-minded women. It was a lovely meeting. I even met a women who loves Star Trek! ^_^ (Come to find out, she is also a Cosmetologist! Two unusual similarities.)
I ended up crying when trying to thank Allison for caring about and feeling the baby move. My dear friend Crystal did as well and i was going to thank her on our way out (baby was very active toward the middle of the meeting). It was just lovely and bittersweet to share baby's activity with adults who care. There is more to it, but i don't feel too good about sharing here. Sorry.
Anyway... as a result of my tears, Ali hugged me a bunch and decided to throw me a Blessingway. I was so grateful for the hugs as i haven't had many of those from someone around my stature and couldn't say no to the party because spending more time with such wonderful women sounded like a sweet sort of Balm. So, a few days after the first meeting of some sweet ladies, they returned to Ali's house to Bless me, my baby, my pregnancy, and commit to praying for us. What a GIFT, right!!?
It was absolutely wonderful!
An overview of the evening:
Time to chat (must have that when women gather!)
Snacks
Introductions (how those present know me) and a positive thought about what Birth means to each
Coloring! (make a picture or write words to be included in a banner on which laboring Mama can focus)
Necklace and Commitment Bracelets creation in a circle
End
It was absolutely wonderful. Oh, and any gifts given are meant to be either handmade/homemade and/or gifts of service/time. For instance, i was given coupons for a manicure and pedicure and a basket of fresh, washed organic (probably some home grown) veggies! How wonderful is that!??
I have always appreciated every showing forth of love i have received from others... ever! Perhaps especially around the time of a baby's birth because it can be such an upheaval. But this Blessingway is just SO much more my "style". So completely NOT material oriented. It's heart/love/blessing/God/friendship oriented. Doesn't that sound like me? :) Well... if it doesn't, it FEELS like me TO me! ^_^
In case you don't know me well, i'll share that the necklace/bracelet creation part was probably what i least looked forward to, but turned out to be equally as wonderful as the rest! And, yes, i actually think i will wear the necklace (to those who know me). Probably not often, just because jewelry adornment is not something i think about. Even when my children make the jewelry and i mean to wear it, i just don't THINK about it!
Sicne i didn't realize how full of wonderfulness the circle for creating the jewelry would be - even after a description - i'm going to describe it and just accept you will not understand until you have partaken in the activity yourself.
So, everyone sits in a circle. Each person brings/chooses 2 beads. 1 bead is to give to the Mama for her necklace, the other is to keep for the commitment bracelet. Each woman gives a bead to the preggie lady and explains why they chose it. Mama strings it onto her end of the string, while the giver strings her own bead onto the opposite end and then wraps the string around her hand to hold her soon-to-be-bracelet in place. Each woman does this so that eventually everyone is connected in a circle of "jewels". It's sweet, poignant, symbolic, and just really wonderful! And so SO so totally me more than any other "baby celebration" i've been part of to date.
I still feel all teary-eyed as i think about and write about it. My Blessingway was just WONDERFUL and so perfect. Funnily enough i think one of the things that made it perfect and was completely unplanned (and couldn't really be purposefully included) was how very long the necklace creation took. Not that i really WANTED it to take a long time cause you don't plan something like that... just like i've never planned LONG labors... but it was sorta hectic and a little loud and totally and completely sweet! It just felt... like home*! ^_^ Perfect.
*Home: where one's heart feels peace and comfort... not necessarily as most use the term attached to one's domicile.
Since i'd met Ali and Allison at Mom's Group (they work together for the LLL group that's pretty close) and liked them a lot, i decided to start going to the LLL Meetings before baby arrives as a way to form connections with like-minded women. It was a lovely meeting. I even met a women who loves Star Trek! ^_^ (Come to find out, she is also a Cosmetologist! Two unusual similarities.)
I ended up crying when trying to thank Allison for caring about and feeling the baby move. My dear friend Crystal did as well and i was going to thank her on our way out (baby was very active toward the middle of the meeting). It was just lovely and bittersweet to share baby's activity with adults who care. There is more to it, but i don't feel too good about sharing here. Sorry.
Anyway... as a result of my tears, Ali hugged me a bunch and decided to throw me a Blessingway. I was so grateful for the hugs as i haven't had many of those from someone around my stature and couldn't say no to the party because spending more time with such wonderful women sounded like a sweet sort of Balm. So, a few days after the first meeting of some sweet ladies, they returned to Ali's house to Bless me, my baby, my pregnancy, and commit to praying for us. What a GIFT, right!!?
It was absolutely wonderful!
An overview of the evening:
Time to chat (must have that when women gather!)
Snacks
Introductions (how those present know me) and a positive thought about what Birth means to each
Coloring! (make a picture or write words to be included in a banner on which laboring Mama can focus)
Necklace and Commitment Bracelets creation in a circle
End
It was absolutely wonderful. Oh, and any gifts given are meant to be either handmade/homemade and/or gifts of service/time. For instance, i was given coupons for a manicure and pedicure and a basket of fresh, washed organic (probably some home grown) veggies! How wonderful is that!??
I have always appreciated every showing forth of love i have received from others... ever! Perhaps especially around the time of a baby's birth because it can be such an upheaval. But this Blessingway is just SO much more my "style". So completely NOT material oriented. It's heart/love/blessing/God/friendship oriented. Doesn't that sound like me? :) Well... if it doesn't, it FEELS like me TO me! ^_^
In case you don't know me well, i'll share that the necklace/bracelet creation part was probably what i least looked forward to, but turned out to be equally as wonderful as the rest! And, yes, i actually think i will wear the necklace (to those who know me). Probably not often, just because jewelry adornment is not something i think about. Even when my children make the jewelry and i mean to wear it, i just don't THINK about it!
Sicne i didn't realize how full of wonderfulness the circle for creating the jewelry would be - even after a description - i'm going to describe it and just accept you will not understand until you have partaken in the activity yourself.
So, everyone sits in a circle. Each person brings/chooses 2 beads. 1 bead is to give to the Mama for her necklace, the other is to keep for the commitment bracelet. Each woman gives a bead to the preggie lady and explains why they chose it. Mama strings it onto her end of the string, while the giver strings her own bead onto the opposite end and then wraps the string around her hand to hold her soon-to-be-bracelet in place. Each woman does this so that eventually everyone is connected in a circle of "jewels". It's sweet, poignant, symbolic, and just really wonderful! And so SO so totally me more than any other "baby celebration" i've been part of to date.
I still feel all teary-eyed as i think about and write about it. My Blessingway was just WONDERFUL and so perfect. Funnily enough i think one of the things that made it perfect and was completely unplanned (and couldn't really be purposefully included) was how very long the necklace creation took. Not that i really WANTED it to take a long time cause you don't plan something like that... just like i've never planned LONG labors... but it was sorta hectic and a little loud and totally and completely sweet! It just felt... like home*! ^_^ Perfect.
*Home: where one's heart feels peace and comfort... not necessarily as most use the term attached to one's domicile.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Preparing for Baby
This time definitely feels to have gone, overall, faster. There are certainly some days that crawl, but, for the most part, i'm amazed at how time has flown. ESPECIALLY since we've been back from our extended trip to Virginia.
Pretty sure i've mentioned it, but it is much on my mind and i'm very pleased and excited... so wanted to share some more.
In the past, i have heard comments from some other Mothers about helping women who are having their _(more than second) baby. It felt cruddy to hear the meannesses, but i think it was good for me, too. As a result, i didn't really do anything different for #3 and #4 births or preparation for them. i just wasn't present enough or organized enough to do what needed to be done... and i dreaded the labor ordeal. Yes, preparing ahead of time required acknowledgement and acceptance of THAT particular step in the process. :) But i am DEFINITELY doing some things differently THIS time! And, at least, one thing the same... but that's a good thing.
This time i feel SO different. If you're interested in HOW (and potentially why) i feel different, feel free to read HERE. No worries if you're not that interested, of course.
If you want to feel better about your own upcoming birth, though, i do recommend taking a few more minutes to read there. It's all from me - so hopefully you know it's what i believe to be the honest to goodness truth. Cause i just don't do full-frontal lying. i admit that i am learning how to leave stuff out... but i think i should've learned THAT a LONG time ago. ahwell...
Back to the reason for writing today!
What more have i done in preparation? Among the NEW things i've done: i completed another 2.5 days worth of snacks!!! That means, my friend, that i have now prepared MORE than my goal. What a GOOD feeling that is, i have to say!!! (We eat a little differently around here: breakfast, a snack, another snack, dinner... thus, two snacks per day is the usual requirement.)
The same day i exceeded my goal with regard to snack preparation, i also made another dinner meal... actually, only the meatballs for a dinner. Ria is wonderfully capeable and will readily be able to make the noodles and pour premade organic spaghetti sauce over the top... hopefully have a veggie on the side (but probably something raw) if i cannot actually get up to do it. She has been fully trained in that dinner prep. YEAY! So, i only have 3 more dinners to prepare ahead of time! YIPPEE!!! I sure am hoping i can accomplish my goal of 14 dinners before the due date, which is swiftly appraoching!
Something i've done in the past that has always helped has been to accept or ask for a Priesthood Blessing. I've been meaning to ask for one for the last month or so, but just didn't get around to it. Yesterday the Brother i wanted to ask turned around after the main service and asked me how i was doing. It took a minute, but i finally remembered that i wanted to ask him for a blessing. He was more than happy to help and he and another Brother i appreciate very much administered a PB for me after church. The peace i've felt has been greatly increased since. Praise the Lord! :)
Honestly, i cannot remember if i heard about doing this or just decided to do it when i had just Ria and Kat, but it is something that has proven to be very helpful: i do an extensive clean of my vehicle and shift carseats around in advance of the birth. Usually i do this at least a month in advance. This time i did do a bit of shifting (reassigning the girls seats and practicing load-up and un-load order) about a month ahead of babys EDD, but i did not move Jmy's carseat until today AFTER we returned home from an outing. It does worry me that i've waited so long to shift him. Hopefully he'll be easy-going about it. We'll see.
Since i was moving Jmy's carseat, i decided to also complete the deep clean. Really, i keep the van very neat and orderly, for the most part. However, the children do get to eat in the van at times and regardless of how many times i tell them and require them to clean up after themselves, there is always stuff left in cracks and crannies. This troubles me a great deal... but i do my best and that's all i can ask of myself. It was upsetting to find biscuit bits (who knows how old) and other random large crumbs stuck between a seat and the side of the van. So, the "deep clean" was really beneficial! But man... i could've chosen a better TIME, maybe. i was soaked when i finished because i sweated so much. Trying to rehydrate even now an hour later!
Yesterday my midwife dropped off my birth kit. In the past, i haven't really bothered with looking in the kit or anything until labor was imminent. Last night i dug into it, reorganized things, and placed the little presoaped sponge with brush thingy in a very visible place... then put it all in a place i'll see A LOT. It's exciting! Yes, i have already been thinking about the baby a lot, but not i'm anticipating the process to GET baby, too. Not dreading... which is very nice! ^_^
It sure does feel good to have food preparations coming nicely along and to have a relatively clean van now!! I did not get around to wiping down surfaces (they are VERY dusty), but at least the carpets and seats are nicely cleaned up. :) It is SO much easier to keep the van nice and orderly and swept out... i figure it's sorta like the orderliness some women are able to maintain in their homes since their children are out of them for around 8 hours each day. Don't know for sure, of course, but i imagine.... :)
Pretty sure i've mentioned it, but it is much on my mind and i'm very pleased and excited... so wanted to share some more.
In the past, i have heard comments from some other Mothers about helping women who are having their _(more than second) baby. It felt cruddy to hear the meannesses, but i think it was good for me, too. As a result, i didn't really do anything different for #3 and #4 births or preparation for them. i just wasn't present enough or organized enough to do what needed to be done... and i dreaded the labor ordeal. Yes, preparing ahead of time required acknowledgement and acceptance of THAT particular step in the process. :) But i am DEFINITELY doing some things differently THIS time! And, at least, one thing the same... but that's a good thing.
This time i feel SO different. If you're interested in HOW (and potentially why) i feel different, feel free to read HERE. No worries if you're not that interested, of course.
If you want to feel better about your own upcoming birth, though, i do recommend taking a few more minutes to read there. It's all from me - so hopefully you know it's what i believe to be the honest to goodness truth. Cause i just don't do full-frontal lying. i admit that i am learning how to leave stuff out... but i think i should've learned THAT a LONG time ago. ahwell...
Back to the reason for writing today!
What more have i done in preparation? Among the NEW things i've done: i completed another 2.5 days worth of snacks!!! That means, my friend, that i have now prepared MORE than my goal. What a GOOD feeling that is, i have to say!!! (We eat a little differently around here: breakfast, a snack, another snack, dinner... thus, two snacks per day is the usual requirement.)
The same day i exceeded my goal with regard to snack preparation, i also made another dinner meal... actually, only the meatballs for a dinner. Ria is wonderfully capeable and will readily be able to make the noodles and pour premade organic spaghetti sauce over the top... hopefully have a veggie on the side (but probably something raw) if i cannot actually get up to do it. She has been fully trained in that dinner prep. YEAY! So, i only have 3 more dinners to prepare ahead of time! YIPPEE!!! I sure am hoping i can accomplish my goal of 14 dinners before the due date, which is swiftly appraoching!
Something i've done in the past that has always helped has been to accept or ask for a Priesthood Blessing. I've been meaning to ask for one for the last month or so, but just didn't get around to it. Yesterday the Brother i wanted to ask turned around after the main service and asked me how i was doing. It took a minute, but i finally remembered that i wanted to ask him for a blessing. He was more than happy to help and he and another Brother i appreciate very much administered a PB for me after church. The peace i've felt has been greatly increased since. Praise the Lord! :)
Honestly, i cannot remember if i heard about doing this or just decided to do it when i had just Ria and Kat, but it is something that has proven to be very helpful: i do an extensive clean of my vehicle and shift carseats around in advance of the birth. Usually i do this at least a month in advance. This time i did do a bit of shifting (reassigning the girls seats and practicing load-up and un-load order) about a month ahead of babys EDD, but i did not move Jmy's carseat until today AFTER we returned home from an outing. It does worry me that i've waited so long to shift him. Hopefully he'll be easy-going about it. We'll see.
Since i was moving Jmy's carseat, i decided to also complete the deep clean. Really, i keep the van very neat and orderly, for the most part. However, the children do get to eat in the van at times and regardless of how many times i tell them and require them to clean up after themselves, there is always stuff left in cracks and crannies. This troubles me a great deal... but i do my best and that's all i can ask of myself. It was upsetting to find biscuit bits (who knows how old) and other random large crumbs stuck between a seat and the side of the van. So, the "deep clean" was really beneficial! But man... i could've chosen a better TIME, maybe. i was soaked when i finished because i sweated so much. Trying to rehydrate even now an hour later!
Yesterday my midwife dropped off my birth kit. In the past, i haven't really bothered with looking in the kit or anything until labor was imminent. Last night i dug into it, reorganized things, and placed the little presoaped sponge with brush thingy in a very visible place... then put it all in a place i'll see A LOT. It's exciting! Yes, i have already been thinking about the baby a lot, but not i'm anticipating the process to GET baby, too. Not dreading... which is very nice! ^_^
It sure does feel good to have food preparations coming nicely along and to have a relatively clean van now!! I did not get around to wiping down surfaces (they are VERY dusty), but at least the carpets and seats are nicely cleaned up. :) It is SO much easier to keep the van nice and orderly and swept out... i figure it's sorta like the orderliness some women are able to maintain in their homes since their children are out of them for around 8 hours each day. Don't know for sure, of course, but i imagine.... :)
Meditation Monday #34
Today is day 358 of my meditation journey. 365 days in a year...... i'm almost there by count of days!!! What an AWESOME feeling! ^_^
This last week has been especially nice for meditating. It's just been a 'slower' feeling sort of week and i've been able to complete more "longer" meditations. It's still just Kirtan Kriya with open and close, but i've been able to do a few 18 minute KKs and even a 30 minute KK! ^_^ It's nice to spend that 'much' time focused on the pure love of God! That, combined with my walking prayer time and scripture reading... well, i'm in a bit of heavenly space for a good part of my mornings lately! Praise the Lord for it!
These mornings (and the combined focus on God and benefit to my mind, body and spirit) have changed something in me in a huge way. It's very easy to describe quickly, but it will not convey the true depth and profundity of what is changing and has changed in me. Still, the easy-to-describe-change is previous and valuable enough. :) The change? Okay, so... i'm pretty advanced in this pregnancy. (i'll not say HOW far i am simply because i don't need the stress of anyone outside me worrying about my "due date" and how late i am or am not for it.) During this portion of EACH preceeding pregnancy i had this horrible feeling. It was a DEEP feeling of needing to just run... to run away from where we lived (when it was just Jessie and me). i wasnted to go on a "honeymoon". We never did have one. ahwell. Doesn't matter now. When preggie with Kat, i wanted to run away from Jessie and Ria to have a night alone to do WHATEVER. Didn't happen. Inside i felt wonky... like i couldn't DEAL because i was ALWAYS dealing! The feeling revisited when i was preggie with Tea and Jmy. It was worse each time. i wanted more time away when preggie with Tea than with Kat and even more time when preggie with Jmy than with Tea. No, i did not get to run away. We have never been able to afford for me to be that kind of selfish. And that's all right. i see it has blessed me to be "forced" to die to self a lot more each time.
Well, i realized a few weeks ago that i haven't had that feeling at all this time. that horrible feeling was REALLY heavy and horrible by now in each preceeding pregnancy. This time around i have wanted to run away from Jessie (which is new) when he's been mean. But i have not wanted to run away and STAY away from everyone for days on end (as i did when preggie with Tea and Jmy).
This change is not, likely, due to only one thing. But i DO know meditation is a part of the BIG changes going on in my mind/heart/body. i'm SO grateful!!!
As a part of the above, it seems to me that my ability to remain peaceful in myself is improving. Don't get me wrong. i still fuss and lose control, but it's not down in my core like it used to be. It feels like i'm okay deep down even when superficially i'm really upset.
Perhaps one of the difficult things about meditation is that the changes are so deeply personal. It would be interesting to me if others could perceive and convey their perceptions about changes in me, but i honestly think most people just don't notice. Truly. i mean, even my husband who has had THE greatest opportunity to know me better than anyone else in the whole world has told me that HE thinks my meditating is a waste of time. Yes, i know... nice. But opposition is often most effective from those closest to us. That IS why the devil uses them, don't'cha know? (And the devil has used almost everyone close to me to put opposition into my life in BIG ways.)
It is helpful to me that i take the opposition in, process it (mentally and emotionally), question whether it has any validity, realize (almost without exception) that it absolutely does not, and then continue on the path the Lord has described and planned for me with renewed vigor, determination, and Love. So what if he doesn't see the benefit? It's not FOR him anyway. It's my Spirit that is changing. It doesn't matter if he never sees it. My Father in Heaven and Savior know... and I... I know!
This last week has been especially nice for meditating. It's just been a 'slower' feeling sort of week and i've been able to complete more "longer" meditations. It's still just Kirtan Kriya with open and close, but i've been able to do a few 18 minute KKs and even a 30 minute KK! ^_^ It's nice to spend that 'much' time focused on the pure love of God! That, combined with my walking prayer time and scripture reading... well, i'm in a bit of heavenly space for a good part of my mornings lately! Praise the Lord for it!
These mornings (and the combined focus on God and benefit to my mind, body and spirit) have changed something in me in a huge way. It's very easy to describe quickly, but it will not convey the true depth and profundity of what is changing and has changed in me. Still, the easy-to-describe-change is previous and valuable enough. :) The change? Okay, so... i'm pretty advanced in this pregnancy. (i'll not say HOW far i am simply because i don't need the stress of anyone outside me worrying about my "due date" and how late i am or am not for it.) During this portion of EACH preceeding pregnancy i had this horrible feeling. It was a DEEP feeling of needing to just run... to run away from where we lived (when it was just Jessie and me). i wasnted to go on a "honeymoon". We never did have one. ahwell. Doesn't matter now. When preggie with Kat, i wanted to run away from Jessie and Ria to have a night alone to do WHATEVER. Didn't happen. Inside i felt wonky... like i couldn't DEAL because i was ALWAYS dealing! The feeling revisited when i was preggie with Tea and Jmy. It was worse each time. i wanted more time away when preggie with Tea than with Kat and even more time when preggie with Jmy than with Tea. No, i did not get to run away. We have never been able to afford for me to be that kind of selfish. And that's all right. i see it has blessed me to be "forced" to die to self a lot more each time.
Well, i realized a few weeks ago that i haven't had that feeling at all this time. that horrible feeling was REALLY heavy and horrible by now in each preceeding pregnancy. This time around i have wanted to run away from Jessie (which is new) when he's been mean. But i have not wanted to run away and STAY away from everyone for days on end (as i did when preggie with Tea and Jmy).
This change is not, likely, due to only one thing. But i DO know meditation is a part of the BIG changes going on in my mind/heart/body. i'm SO grateful!!!
As a part of the above, it seems to me that my ability to remain peaceful in myself is improving. Don't get me wrong. i still fuss and lose control, but it's not down in my core like it used to be. It feels like i'm okay deep down even when superficially i'm really upset.
Perhaps one of the difficult things about meditation is that the changes are so deeply personal. It would be interesting to me if others could perceive and convey their perceptions about changes in me, but i honestly think most people just don't notice. Truly. i mean, even my husband who has had THE greatest opportunity to know me better than anyone else in the whole world has told me that HE thinks my meditating is a waste of time. Yes, i know... nice. But opposition is often most effective from those closest to us. That IS why the devil uses them, don't'cha know? (And the devil has used almost everyone close to me to put opposition into my life in BIG ways.)
It is helpful to me that i take the opposition in, process it (mentally and emotionally), question whether it has any validity, realize (almost without exception) that it absolutely does not, and then continue on the path the Lord has described and planned for me with renewed vigor, determination, and Love. So what if he doesn't see the benefit? It's not FOR him anyway. It's my Spirit that is changing. It doesn't matter if he never sees it. My Father in Heaven and Savior know... and I... I know!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Super Sunday #7
Week seven completed as of Wednesday (the 29th) and i'm still walking for 1 hour 6 days each week. Almost the same route each day, which is nice because i can see if my "speed" is about the same or not. For the most part, it is about the same. VERY slow! ^_^
If you knew how many weeks gestation i have compelte of this pregnancy, though, you would just be cheering that i'm doing a daily walk at all. At least, i sure am! Definitely not in a "personal pride" sorta way because i know who i am and if it were not for the Lord's Leading and Supporting... well, this consistency would definitely simply not BE.
Just as an example of His Support... since i started walking i have, of course, set my alarm for a wake up time early enough so that i could walk before Jessie would have to go to work. For most of those days (weeks), i have "popped" awake well before the alarm. Just because earlier is cooler, i've wanted to be out by 5:30am for my walks, but didn't want the alarm going off early enough for that to happen. So, i've set it for later and asked for help. Help has been provided and i've been out walking by or before or RIGHT after 5:30am! (Not every day, but still!!! One day it was way before 5:30, another day it was right at 5:30 and yet another day it was 5:31!) This, for anyone who knows me, is the equivalent of a TREMENDOUS character change. Seriously folks. You cannot conceive of what a big deal this is if you don't ACTUALLY know me in real life. Such changes in me are only possible in and through our Lord, Jesus Christ and His changing power. i know it. Don't doubt it. It IS what IS. And i'm telling it like it IS!
One big thing i've noticed is that getting up and "getting going" are pretty painful at times, but once i'm up (whether for my walk in the morning or to go from one room to another in the house), it really isn't as difficult and painful as it has been by this stage in pregnancy with the other four. This is, of course, WONDERFUL to me! ^_^
Oh, i'm up to 25 DEEP squats each day and will move up to 30 within the next couple days. Imagine the kind of squatting recommended for birth and that's what i'm doing. A few are extended, the others are done in quick succession. It's not a huge effort... or wouldn't be for someone fit as a fiddle. For me... well, i take it slow. ;)
In some of my walks, i've been considering what/how i will continue this wonderful and enjoyable activity once the baby is born. i'm absolutely certain it will work out the best way possible... i'm just trying to have a plan that can be changed up as necessary. i'll make sure to share along the way!
If you knew how many weeks gestation i have compelte of this pregnancy, though, you would just be cheering that i'm doing a daily walk at all. At least, i sure am! Definitely not in a "personal pride" sorta way because i know who i am and if it were not for the Lord's Leading and Supporting... well, this consistency would definitely simply not BE.
Just as an example of His Support... since i started walking i have, of course, set my alarm for a wake up time early enough so that i could walk before Jessie would have to go to work. For most of those days (weeks), i have "popped" awake well before the alarm. Just because earlier is cooler, i've wanted to be out by 5:30am for my walks, but didn't want the alarm going off early enough for that to happen. So, i've set it for later and asked for help. Help has been provided and i've been out walking by or before or RIGHT after 5:30am! (Not every day, but still!!! One day it was way before 5:30, another day it was right at 5:30 and yet another day it was 5:31!) This, for anyone who knows me, is the equivalent of a TREMENDOUS character change. Seriously folks. You cannot conceive of what a big deal this is if you don't ACTUALLY know me in real life. Such changes in me are only possible in and through our Lord, Jesus Christ and His changing power. i know it. Don't doubt it. It IS what IS. And i'm telling it like it IS!
One big thing i've noticed is that getting up and "getting going" are pretty painful at times, but once i'm up (whether for my walk in the morning or to go from one room to another in the house), it really isn't as difficult and painful as it has been by this stage in pregnancy with the other four. This is, of course, WONDERFUL to me! ^_^
Oh, i'm up to 25 DEEP squats each day and will move up to 30 within the next couple days. Imagine the kind of squatting recommended for birth and that's what i'm doing. A few are extended, the others are done in quick succession. It's not a huge effort... or wouldn't be for someone fit as a fiddle. For me... well, i take it slow. ;)
In some of my walks, i've been considering what/how i will continue this wonderful and enjoyable activity once the baby is born. i'm absolutely certain it will work out the best way possible... i'm just trying to have a plan that can be changed up as necessary. i'll make sure to share along the way!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
On Obedience
This post has been a few weeks in the making. Probably longer, really... but a few weeks ago i read a post on the blog of a woman in my Ward (church group). There are many things i greatly admire about this particular woman, i am glad, as with almost all the women in my church, to call her Sister. She has some very different perspectives and political positions from me, but, for the most part, i really respect her.
Unfortunately, my respect did diminish slightly when i read the post about which i'm thinking and have been pondering. My concern is for her, a little... mostly, though, i feel greater concern for/that any youth in our Ward or the Church at large may find her blog, admire her, read this particular post and then make wrong and detrimentally life changing choices as a result of her and their admiration of her and potential acceptance of her ideas (particularly the one about which i'm thinking and preparing to write about now).
My blog is not popular or well visited, for the most part, so i'm relatively certain that she does not read here, but if she does (you do), please forgive any offense. Truly, my intention is not to offend or pass judgement or be mean or anything like that. My hope is to correct in love - but not necessarily the Sister (you?) who wrote the blog, but more specifically: the ideas presented therein. It seems unlikely that anyone who reads her (your) blog would also read mine, but i rather hope that if there are any youth that read hers, they will also stumble upon this particular post.
The topic of this post is rated R movies.
This is the topic my Sister addressed in her blog. It saddens me to say that i almost desperately disagree with the dangerous position she presented, which is, basically, that she's smart enough to ignore our Leaders' direction, suggestion, warning... that we should NOT watch rated R movies. This direction is not age specific. I do believe the warning pertains to all members of the LDS Church.
One thing i know is that the R rating currently is much worse than it was years ago. When the Leaders of my Church began to warn against viewing movies of this rating, the contents were bad enough, but as our society descends ever farther and faster into thinking and practicing evil ways as a matter of course, the rating goes right along with it. Today, PG-13 is comparable to the rated R of years ago.
Confession. I am ashamed to say that i went against a decision i made when i began to attend church again to avoid rated R movies and watched one a few months ago. Another confession: while away from the Church, i was exposed to pornography. These two confessions come together because there was nothing soft about a particularly graphic scene that was also pornographic in the rated R movie i watched. My regret over having this particular scene now in my mind with all the other crud i have there available for replay at completely inappropriate times, is tremendous. The movie was neat... but to me, at this time in my life and Spiritual progression, it is and was not worth the price i pay.
Perhaps the Sister whose blog i keep referencing doesn't have such a brain as mine. A brain that has such issues with images and recall (especially the random remembrances). But i believe there will be someone who does who is or will be influenced to do what will harm them by her position, which is put and argued eloquently (as is basically all of her writing). Perhaps watching the movie to which i refer would not be a trouble or a harm to this particular Sister... but that doesn't mean the choice to watch it is right. Disregard of direction is still a form of disobedience, isn't it?
Bad stuff is still bad stuff regardless of how the world may esteem it. My position and arguement is not cool. It's not popular. It's not pleasing unto the eyes and minds of men. But i truly believe it is what the Lord would prefer for us. He has our VERY best interests at heart. He wants only the best for us. If we ingest poison - whether into our body or mind - it will harm us eventually.
While watching the rated-R movie i confessed about above, i was very uncomfortable sitting alone during the pornographic scene. Given my recent history and experiences, i would have probably violently turned the movie off and run away crying if i'd watched it with my husband. As it is, it sickens me to know he saw it at another time. If my Savior had been visible to me, sitting next to me as i watched that movie, i would have been VERY uncomfortable to watch the pornographic scene. Who am i kidding? i would've never turned it on if he was visibly next to me! (Thus my guilt over my wrong choice.) The most important of these discomforts is how i would feel watching it with Jesus Christ, of course. I should not have done it. Knowing this (and i really knew it before i watched), i yearn to "preach it" to others... that YOU may avoid the guilt and necessary repentance and that you may completely avoid the potential replays you'd not prefer to have in your head.
Please be wise!
As Elder Sorensen said in 'You Can't Pet a Rattlesnake' back in a April 2001 General Conference address, "Don’t allow the poison to touch your souls, brethren. Remember, “He that is righteous is favored of God." Those words, 'brethren' and 'he,' by the way, are as readily applicable to women as men. It's universal in the context of the talk even though he was speaking to men... it's not just for the Brothers of the church and/or world.
i pray you will receive this in the Spirit in which i have written it. Love.
Unfortunately, my respect did diminish slightly when i read the post about which i'm thinking and have been pondering. My concern is for her, a little... mostly, though, i feel greater concern for/that any youth in our Ward or the Church at large may find her blog, admire her, read this particular post and then make wrong and detrimentally life changing choices as a result of her and their admiration of her and potential acceptance of her ideas (particularly the one about which i'm thinking and preparing to write about now).
My blog is not popular or well visited, for the most part, so i'm relatively certain that she does not read here, but if she does (you do), please forgive any offense. Truly, my intention is not to offend or pass judgement or be mean or anything like that. My hope is to correct in love - but not necessarily the Sister (you?) who wrote the blog, but more specifically: the ideas presented therein. It seems unlikely that anyone who reads her (your) blog would also read mine, but i rather hope that if there are any youth that read hers, they will also stumble upon this particular post.
The topic of this post is rated R movies.
This is the topic my Sister addressed in her blog. It saddens me to say that i almost desperately disagree with the dangerous position she presented, which is, basically, that she's smart enough to ignore our Leaders' direction, suggestion, warning... that we should NOT watch rated R movies. This direction is not age specific. I do believe the warning pertains to all members of the LDS Church.
One thing i know is that the R rating currently is much worse than it was years ago. When the Leaders of my Church began to warn against viewing movies of this rating, the contents were bad enough, but as our society descends ever farther and faster into thinking and practicing evil ways as a matter of course, the rating goes right along with it. Today, PG-13 is comparable to the rated R of years ago.
Confession. I am ashamed to say that i went against a decision i made when i began to attend church again to avoid rated R movies and watched one a few months ago. Another confession: while away from the Church, i was exposed to pornography. These two confessions come together because there was nothing soft about a particularly graphic scene that was also pornographic in the rated R movie i watched. My regret over having this particular scene now in my mind with all the other crud i have there available for replay at completely inappropriate times, is tremendous. The movie was neat... but to me, at this time in my life and Spiritual progression, it is and was not worth the price i pay.
Perhaps the Sister whose blog i keep referencing doesn't have such a brain as mine. A brain that has such issues with images and recall (especially the random remembrances). But i believe there will be someone who does who is or will be influenced to do what will harm them by her position, which is put and argued eloquently (as is basically all of her writing). Perhaps watching the movie to which i refer would not be a trouble or a harm to this particular Sister... but that doesn't mean the choice to watch it is right. Disregard of direction is still a form of disobedience, isn't it?
Bad stuff is still bad stuff regardless of how the world may esteem it. My position and arguement is not cool. It's not popular. It's not pleasing unto the eyes and minds of men. But i truly believe it is what the Lord would prefer for us. He has our VERY best interests at heart. He wants only the best for us. If we ingest poison - whether into our body or mind - it will harm us eventually.
While watching the rated-R movie i confessed about above, i was very uncomfortable sitting alone during the pornographic scene. Given my recent history and experiences, i would have probably violently turned the movie off and run away crying if i'd watched it with my husband. As it is, it sickens me to know he saw it at another time. If my Savior had been visible to me, sitting next to me as i watched that movie, i would have been VERY uncomfortable to watch the pornographic scene. Who am i kidding? i would've never turned it on if he was visibly next to me! (Thus my guilt over my wrong choice.) The most important of these discomforts is how i would feel watching it with Jesus Christ, of course. I should not have done it. Knowing this (and i really knew it before i watched), i yearn to "preach it" to others... that YOU may avoid the guilt and necessary repentance and that you may completely avoid the potential replays you'd not prefer to have in your head.
Please be wise!
As Elder Sorensen said in 'You Can't Pet a Rattlesnake' back in a April 2001 General Conference address, "Don’t allow the poison to touch your souls, brethren. Remember, “He that is righteous is favored of God." Those words, 'brethren' and 'he,' by the way, are as readily applicable to women as men. It's universal in the context of the talk even though he was speaking to men... it's not just for the Brothers of the church and/or world.
i pray you will receive this in the Spirit in which i have written it. Love.
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