An Amazing Blessing and Gift

Yesterday I picked up the mail. Jess often, if not usually, does that. But it was really nice that I got to do it and that he wasn't around to witness the ugly blubbering of his pregnant wife. I read a note (which I always tear into straight away because it's SUCH a treat to me to get actual mail and not just bills or junk!!) and almost immediately tears were streaming down my cheeks. Soon after the tears came sobs that totally surprised me and alarmed Ria. The note itself was definitely enough to get me crying, but I do think that the sobbing was pregnancy induced. I have, actually, gotten MUCH better at being a bit more reserved in my shows of emotion (especially the ones that make people uncomfortable). If you've known me for a while, you KNOW what I'm talking about! ;)

Okay, so what got me sobbing uncontrollably? Well, a little back-story is rather necessary here... I know I mentioned in a prior post that we've been having a much more difficult time with finances since Jess isn't working the part-time gig anymore. We're actually doing so poorly that we are receiving food assistance from Church. If it weren't for the help we are receiving from them we wouldn't have fresh milk, fresh fruits & veggies, or any real meat AND we would MUCH more quickly be tearing into and eating up our food storage. That's what it's for, of course. And I'm SO very thankful for the blessing of the anxiety Father bestowed upon me to gather together food stuffs because it enables us to ask for far less from our Church than we would otherwise need to ask. Needless to say, probably, we have little money for anything beyond our bills. We're eeking by with gas and asking for rides as much as possible.

I'm working doing the ChaCha thing and trying to get other things going to make money. I'll receive my first paycheck, since quitting the teaching thing a few years back, in the next few days. That money is set aside for gas for the van and Dance class for Ria. The latter may seem odd, or even frivolous to some, but it is SUPER important to me for MANY reasons, but I'm going to share the main two reasons. #1 reason dance class is so important to me that I'm willing and DO sacrifice in many other areas personally and as a family: Ria is and will continue to be homeschooled. We don't have tons of opportunities for her to spend time with other children her age. We often cannot drive out to playgroup activities with the Mom's groups in the area and/or to other friends' from church.

#2 reason: I know that dance as an activity will cultivate in my daughter many desirable attributes and characteristics that would be difficult to help her attain without it. For instance, and as only one example, Ria LOVED being on stage! Would we have discovered this about her without dance and her opportunity to participate in the recital at such a young age?? I don't know... but I really REALLY don't think so! Attached to that attribute (her enjoyment of the "bright lights and applause") is the feeling I have that as long as she can look forward to recitals she will, in some way, retain her enjoyment of being in front of people in that way. I LONG for my children to be comfortable in front of groups where I totally was not and had to and STILL have to REALLY stretch to put myself "out" there.

I could go on and on about why dance class is super important as a part of Ria's home education, but I won't. Basically, because the van sucks up tons of gas, that and the dance class will eat up my meager earnings from ChaCha, so I was trying to come up with more ways I could earn money to pay for our midwife. (Thus the blogging for money and searching for writing work.)

The whole issue was causing me great anxiety, which I was using to feed my work on the ChaCha thing and search for more work. I can't illustrate completely the amount of time I've sat on my butt in front of this computer lately. I wonder if I'm going to develop bedsores! No, not really... I DO still walk almost daily. But my butt REALLY does hurt by the time I go to bed around 2 or 3am (I do most of the consistent work I'm able to get done between around 9pm and 2am or later). In addition to the seriously late nights, I also do the ChaCha thing when the girls are watching their after-Ria's-reading-class-movie. If they happen to take a nap together, I work. If they are playing nicely together, I work. It's been stressful and I've felt like SUCH a bad Mama because I've spent so little time with my kiddos and so much time saying, "Ok, I'll be there in a minute." :( I know I'm not a bad Mama, but the feeling is still there. Ya know? Anyway... the point?

Well, yesterday we received in the mail, which I was so lucky to have to pick up!, a very sweet note from an anonymous benefactor. In the communication their love was extended and they expressed their desire to assist us in paying for our midwife. They'd heard we were in a difficult situation and didn't know how we'd get the money to finish payments (due at 36 weeks gestation, which is speedily approaching!). They'd been pondering for a while how they should use the "free" money from the government, which they'd recently received. When they realized our situation, they explained, they felt their answer was in that information. So, they sent the money on to us... and as of the next time we see our midwife, we will be: PAID IN FULL!!!! Can you believe it? Isn't that amazing and wonderful and... a MIRACLE!?!?!!?

If that's not the most awesome and amazing thing... let me add a bit more detail to help convince you. ;) The night before (Fri. night) I'd knelt in earnest prayer and tearfully shared my heart with Father. I truly feel that we really are doing the best we can and that I, personally, didn't feel that I could do any more than I was doing (by then I'd already added looking for additional writing work and such). I explained that and immediate I felt the complete peace and a sense of, "It's going to be all right," communicated to my mind. This feeling totally did NOT jive with my mental figuring, but I've had enough of miracles in my life (especially since just before and since our move here) to know that I should trust in the feeling rather than continue to try to figure it out. And then the special piece of mail happens the very next day!

Now, I know that the note and check were already in the mail when I said that prayer. But, you see, to me the miracles Father has bestowed upon me and my family are SO much in timing! For instance, someone may have been planning something for a while, but then they DO it for us right after I made a wished in my heart or prayed specifically about it. And, to me, that's still an enormous and amazing miracle!

We are tremendously blessed! I'm so grateful to those who have blessed our lives - in this moment I feel surging love for the benefactor who has acted as an Instrument in the Father's Hands in blessing us with the gift of decreased stress and anxiety over payment of our midwife by providing it for us! Thank you!!!!

As an ending note... I feel SO much less anxiety and so much MORE motivated by desire (rather than anxiety) to continue working ChaCha and to continue efforts to find additional (and hopefully significantly better paying) work to fill in the current gap in our finances. This is a wonderful and exciting feeling to/for me because in the past, when anxiety has been relieved (in situations similar, in any way, to what we're in now), I didn't feel the need or motivation to continue previous efforts. This time I feel inspired and just plain ol' motivated to keep going! That, too, is a HUGE blessing of this gift and I'm tremendously, heart-full-to-exploding grateful!!!! ^_^

Just Pluggin' Along

We've had a few time consuming activities as of late. They are pretty much inter-related and still very iffy, so I'm not going to go into the nitty gritty as yet. We are hopeful that something good could be in our near future (pertaining to Jessie's career and our finances). If you feel so inclined, say a prayer for us that things start looking up. It would be (will be!) greatly appreciated!

Ria and Kat spent the morning with Mary, Victoria, and Ms. Sage yesterday. It was SUCH a treat and such a sweet and generous service by my friend, Sage. She came all the way out here to pick them up and then brought them home AND bought them ice cream on the way! She wanted them to look forward to spending time with them again. Ice cream wasn't necessary for that, I'm QUITE sure! So sweet and amazingly thoughtful. Don't you think?

Walking
I've still been walking. 5 days per week, even! The belly is getting pretty huge, but for whatever reason I don't feel myself needing to waddle as yet. At least, I don't feel the need for waddle most of the time! Perhaps it is BECAUSE of all the walking I do for exercise. That would be cool, eh? This week, thus far, I've been able to walk for at least 60 minutes each day. I feel really terrific about that... very pleased with myself and GRATEFUL for the cooperative weather! Even on Wednesday, when I didn't go walking, there was this HUGE crazy thunderstorm from about 3pm until 5, or so. But right around 6:30pm, when I'm trying to depart my home, the weather was lovely for walking. I was just SO beat after the temple trip and Jess went in to work (at the last minute) so I felt it was better to calmly stay at home rather than get frustrated with the bickering babies! :)

Starting a Part-Time, ANY time, Gig
I'm not yet fully approved, but I'm through with all the preliminary stuff for this Gig that I can do from home, on the internet, as much, or as little as I want... WHENEVER I want! and earn some money. It's not a huge payment per service rendered, but my sister-in-law (Jessie's sis) has been doing it for a bit and purchased a Wii for her girls with her earnings. So, I figure it could help us put a dent in our debt OR increase our food storage purchasing power! And addition to the latter will be VERY valuable!!! ^_^ I'm leaning toward the food storage purchasing initially, but once I feel we're covered/safe there it would definitely go toward our debt issues. I'm hopeful!

I'll let you know how it goes. I will, of course, invite you to join my team (though I'm not exactly sure what "my team" is or means). And I'll hope that you're interested if it's as flexible and easy as it seems to be thus far. Oh, and no monetary output required at all. The initial investment is time spent in reading all the rules and completing the required (EASY) tests. For me, that "investment" hasn't been tiny because of my beautiful distractions ;) BUT totally worth it if I can make any sort of an addition to our finances on a regular basis. Ya know?

Potty Training
Kat is doing quite well. She's only had one accident today. Yesterday none (though she wasn't in training mode full-on because of the day's activities). The day before I think she had an accident or two. But considering all things, she is really progressing amazingly well in this endeavor!

Pretend
Ria is FULL of pretend worlds and plans. She's so fun and funny to watch because she's SO often putting bits and pieces of her Disney movies together in strange sequences in her pretend play with Kat. Ria loves to play with Mama and Daddy. The BEST thing about playing with her parents, I think, is getting to tell them what to do! I swear it's the only "safe" way she can command her elders and she seems to really LOVE it. I suppose that's pretty normal and understandable! I mean, most of the time she's got to do what she's asked rather than get to tell others what to do. Less frequently, but sometimes, I do see and hear her integrating things she's read into her pretend play. More often, though, the reading comes out in her information sharing/teaching. Can you imagine what a joy THAT is for me?? I LOVE IT!!!!

Health
Thankfully, right now, we are all well. My only complaints are the fatigue (mental and physical), heartburn, and discomfort (especially when trying to sleep), but given the circumstance (pregnancy), that's not much to complain about! Jess is tired because he's not sleeping well, either. I swear this is mostly because of me, but he blames it on other things. I still feel bad because I'm tossing and turning a LOT these days! I have noticed that when I sleep on the couch (because the position there supports my body very nicely!) he seems much more rested in the morning. ahwell... Jess has a lot more pregnancy symptoms this time around than he did when I was preggie with Kat. He had some sympathetic pregnancy stuff when I was preggie with Ria, but I think it's probably more this time than then, even. Pretty interesting, huh?

What Husbands Don't Know

And how can they? They rarely, if ever have an opportunity to feel the constant weight of all that being a Mama entails. I know that working Mamas do NOT have THE life, but it's not all bon-bons and sugar snaps on the stay-at-home front, either! I'm thinking about the difficulties of my SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) life because of the confrontation with Jess of the other night. I try to express to him the weight of the responsibilities I carry as well as the actual time consumption aspect of them. But I honestly feel that my DH (dear husband) really just does not hear me most of the time I speak, much less get the full meaning of the details I share. I have felt that he may, perhaps, read this blog, though. So, perhaps some of what I'm able to convey through writing (sometimes I think it is my best mode of communication, anyway) will reach him as my words when spoken have and do not.

The jobs of a Mama (SAH, specifically):

--------------Spend time with the child(ren). This, I believe is THE most important job a Mama (any) has and can fulfill. However, as you will see (if you're a dude; I know the Mamas reading already know all this!) there isn't all that much time for a SAHM to fulfill this aspect of her calling if she is expected to maintain every other job she may be (usually is) expected to juggle solo if the juggling is supposed to be maintained to HIS satisfaction (even her own degree of perfection/satisfaction however far from his that may be)!

--------------Stay/get fit by exercising to the degree necessary to lose the baby weight, lose other fatness gained over time, and/or maintain Mama's own physical comfort level. This is REALLY difficult for lots of women... especially new Mamas. It's difficult to find activities that work the body enough to accomplish the results sought after and be okay with spending the time doing that work either away from the kiddo(s) OR ignoring him/her/them long enough to get the exercise in. This is emotionally taxing for any woman and even more so for women like me who feel UBER responsible for their children (meaning that turning them over to others' care feels hyper uncomfy - even Daddy in the first 6 months!!!).

--------------Stay sane and emotionally "full" by accomplishing something each day or week that enables the Mama to relax or feel individuated. (In the last conference (LDS) one of our leaders addressed this, OH SO IMPORTANT, issue!!!!) This is so very important because an empty Mama has nothing to give the kiddo(s) much less the Daddy! Yet, even if the Mama knows the necessity of this it is still difficult for any woman in a situation in which she would either have to have a babysitter when Daddy is at work (and they don't have money for that OR she feels like she really shouldn't turn the responsibility of her children over to someone else) OR they have to have Daddy watch the kiddo(s) when he IS home. This is not a problem for Jess, but I still feel sort of guilty SOME of the time asking/requiring more of him after he's worked two jobs all week. The only thing I do with any semblance of regularity when he's around to watch the girls is exercise, which is totally beneficial, but not exactly relaxing. So it doesn't really accomplish the staying "full" bit to the degree that completing an activity that I enjoy that is also really relaxing and mentally stimulating does/would. After going through this situation (Jess working two jobs) I would totally NOT allow myself to feel guilty asking him to take care of our kiddos while I get out of dodge for an hour or two if he had only one job!

-------------Keep the house up to par. While this IS important it is, to me, the least important of many other "balls" I keep in the air at any given moment. It is also one of the most time consuming and emotionally draining (stressful!) of most issues facing any Mama. This item encompasses so many separate items. While I will not cover every mundane item, I'm going to list some and my personal feelings about them/issues with them.
--------------------------Laundry: one of the NEVER-ending jobs. The moment it is caught up with, there is more to do! This job is particularly annoying to me BECAUSE it never ends... and only gets BIGGER as there are more children to clean up after. My problem here is not the children, but the fact that I'm the only one cleaning after them. Not only does a Mama have to remember to wash (not so difficult since the piles are sitting there in front of you), but we also have to remember to get them into the dryer in a timely fashion, (otherwise they start to smell like an old person - no offense to old people!) and then to make time to fold them AND put them away in some sort of order that makes sense to the other partner AS WELL as self since he will, hopefully, be helping to dress the child(ren) once in a while, if not regularly! And then there's the SUPER annoyance of the partner or child(ren) not giving a witches wart whether the items previously folded STAY in any semblance of order. This whole section was so totally NOT a problem when it was just Jess and me or even when Ria was the only child. But I can see this area of my life becoming super huge and what I already have to deal with is overwhelming enough - day in and day out!
--------------------------Dishes: the OTHER of the never-ending jobs that I, personally, despise. I know women who actually enjoy dishes. GOOD FOR YOU! I, however, am NOT one of them. I have, even, tried to change my mind into one like those who enjoy this task. I failed miserably! I think I could even go so far as to say that I hate to do dishes.

Jess and I had a deal early on that if he cooked, I would clean up... and vice versa. If I was lucky I may have seen the realization of that deal a whole handful OR two times! It's not happened consistently. (Of course not, you're thinking if you're a woman married longer than 18 months!) It is no longer reasonable for me to expect it to happen according to our deal anymore. I realize this. However, I also realize that when Jess IS home he sleeps a REALLY lot. And he cooks. And he STILL thinks I should clean up after him/us!!! After I have cooked ALL week (and yes, I usually DO cook for the lunches we share as a family!!!) AND cleaned up afterward. Seriously, people! Ooops, I meant: SERIOUSLY Jessie!

NOTE TO READER: these things I'm pointing out as gripes do NOT usually bother me. By this I mean that I'm not all down in the mouth and angry all the time because of all that I have in my head and weighing me down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (to some extent)... at least I'm not anymore. I just recognize them as parts of life to deal with and feel happiness in the things that are happy to me (and there ARE plenty, truly!). I am simply illustrating for other clueless members of the male "species" those things than trouble lots of women (I think I should know since I am one, after all... AND since I also happen to speak with lots of them!). I just want to make it clear that I actually love my life most of the time. While I do love my life, I still want to make these issues very clear to the member of the Mars Clan who is most important to me: Jessie.

BACK TO THE ISSUES
-----------------------------General ORDER: This is hugely annoying to Jessie because he just doesn't seem to be able to ignore the little things on the floor. I'm sure it's also annoying because he thinks, "All she has to do it get Ria to pick it up!" But, you see, there-in lies the problem! What child WANTS to pick up their toys regularly? Okay, so regularly in our home because of Daddy's schedule means twice a day... a little excessive for any kid. But if she wasn't such a snotty butt about it I would totally be okay with asking her to clean up her stuff an hour before Jess gets home at 2pm and then before bed. But I really dislike fussing at my daughter. I have anger issues I'm trying to overcome, remember?!! There are plenty enough stupid little things I have to mentally wrestle with myself over so that I don't blow a fuse every hour on the hour... I don't want to add fussing at Ria to pick up twice a day. But, I have. It's an issue to Jess, so I'm trying to get Ria to clean up her stuff so it won't be on the floor when he gets home (TWICE A DAY!).
----------------------------Sweeping/Mopping: To be totally honest, I don't even bother mopping with any regularity. Ria gets to earn some money sometimes by cleaning spots. We barter for the price of each spot, then we work with money after the jobs are done. It can be quite fun. I don't mind that so much. But when the whole house is troubled (as in dirt actually STUCK to the floor rather than just hanging out there) that job is so much more frustrating than simply mopping would be. You see, I have two small children who sleep like me. So what? you say. SO... that means I can't do much of anything that makes any sort of noise anywhere near them - especially since our house echoes a bit. And sweeping is only half as frustrating as mopping. The girls will, for the most part, stay out of the way in the room I'm working on. The previous sentence is where the problem with mopping lies... they think they can play in the room I've finished. But, of course, they really can't because the floor is WET. Ah the minute annoyances that combine to drive a Mama MAD!
----------------------------Maintaining extended family relations AND contact with local and long-distance friends. Admittedly the friends are a part of a Mamas way to stay sane, but for an LDS lady they are also very likely part of her responsibility, too (like VTing, which I LOVE, but is also a stressor, however positive, at times). While this area of responsibility is one of the most enjoyable of the many jobs a/this Mama has, it IS exhausting at times because there are periods of days, at least for me, when I just don't want to talk to ANYbody! (Like the last couple days, for instance!) But if one who communicates suddenly goes incommunicado, even if for only a few days, people start to worry that you've gone all weird like you did after 9-11. Just as a source of comfort... even during my worst and darkest months of PPD (post partum depression) I don't think I was as bad as I was at my worst after 9-11! This is a key bit of info for anyone who knows me. Let me break it down. YES, I DO get depressed. Sometimes, even, REALLY depressed. But if it doesn't get to the point I was at in during the PPD I suffered with after Ria, then I'm really REALLY quite okay (because it's no where near as bad as I've visited in my life!). No matter how long it takes, I DO (usually with the help of God and/or a loved one) pull myself up or kick my own butt out of it! I cannot foresee an event (barring Jessie cheating, beating any of us, or a child's death) that would put me over the edge I've already visited regularly! Since PPD I haven't been anywhere near that edge. After 9-11 I was, admittedly, bungee jumping off of it with a faulty bungee (thankfully it didn't fail completely while I was jumping!), but I'm quite okay! Aren't I? haha just a joke. I totally AM okay!!!
--------------------------------BLOG could actually be part of the last section or part of WORK FOR MONEY, but since the latter is not so much pertinent and the former doesn't really qualify (since most of my extended family does not read my blog) I'm making it a separate area. I think it's appropriate to include because it's pleasurable for me, but I also feel sort of like I NEED to do it, too. Jessie's family keeps up with us through it, after all, and he has shared the URL with more people from work than I have with my own friends!
--------------------------------BILLS are not necessarily a woman's job, but they are THIS woman's job. I'm not saying, at all, by any of the following that I do not want this job. I know the I'm more capable, so I do it and I try really hard not to complain often or loudly about it. However, I am going to enumerate the difficulties for my DH and any other man whose wife silently bends under the weight of THIS responsibility. #1 problem: it's ALWAYS there (unless you're super smart and have no debt whatsoever!). #2 problem: not wanting to mention it as much as it nags at the sides or stage of my brain because I don't want to stress my DH out as much as I feel stressed (at least, not most of the time). #3 problem: it's ALWAYS there! #4 problem: Did I mention it's ALWAYS there??? #5 problem: oh yeah, THERE it is AGAIN! Seriously, though... the worst of the #ed problems is the constant fear (or resurfacing of the reality) that there will not be enough money to cover the requests and requirements for said money!

-------------------------------HOMESCHOOLING--------------------------------------
Yes, this is NOT a job every SAHM undertakes, so perhaps it shouldn't be considered at part of the tasks inherent to the work. But since this is MY Blog, it IS! Also... I do believe a majority of parents who value their child(ren) and those child(ren)'s education over the things they could otherwise do or have FOR their children will one day choose to homeschool.

Now, I do NOT mean School at Home, here. I mean HOMESCHOOL! There is a HUGE and fundamental difference. One is MUCH easier than the other. Can you guess which is easier? If you said School at Home, then.... ding-ding-ding... you are RIGHT! And this is only ONE of the many issues a prospective homeschool parent, who is also a responsible parent, need inform themselves about. (Do you see the invested time studying, reading, and learning inherent in reading between the words of that last sentence???)

Homeschooling is FULL of issues that, to be responsible in the undertaking, a parent (at least one of them) has to read up on and make firm decisions about. I have only begun to scratch the surface on this area (researching issues and making decisions). In only 2 days I spent more than 8 hours in that research. Okay, so that's technically "only" part-time work. But combine it with all the other things I need to/should/want to do each day and there is WAY more to do daily than can BE done in the 16 hours I'm awake... which should really only be TWELVE since I'm preggie. Did ya know THAT? Pregnant women are SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED to sleep at least 12 hours a day. That's how TAXING pregnancy is!!! (Yes, I know, if you are a woman you are laughing your butt into shapely sexiness at the idea of regularly sleeping 12 hours each day - even IF preggie... but that's what the reading I've done suggests!)

Note to self: add pregnancy as another of the many exhausting (mentally, physically, emotionally, AND spiritually) things I do as a woman/Mama!!!!!

BACK to HOMESCHOOLING
So there are the issues to research= TIME and MUCHO TIEMBRE!!!

Then there's the actual preparation of WHAT to teach. (Did you see more hours of research and decision making inherent in that first/only sentence?? Yep, it's HOURS and not just HOURS once in a while, but, I'd say, at least once a week to figure out the week ahead If you're that organized)!!!

--------My personal first step into this realm of actually focusing on homeschooling (rather than just teaching reading as I have been doing) as someone who believes herself to be a responsible homeschooler, is to determine WHERE to go and WHAT to do with my homeschooling child. HOW does one do that?? Well, a really great starting point (I think) is to figure out what the state or commonwealth in which you reside expects of a child at any given grade level; perhaps first focusing on the grade the child would next enter as a result of their numerical age. This means both the minimum standards AS WELL AS what the parent has to do to jump through the hoops established by TPTB (the powers that be) for those who choose to go against the mainstream TO homeschool!

Now, you could probably get your local librarian to help you locate all the pertinent info (online or off), but that requires the time and opportunity to do such a thing during normal operating hours. Do you see the futility of such a proposition if you have a toddller or more roaming around??? You could get the URL(s) from a teacher you know (if you know one with whom you feel comfy speaking about the alternative education of your child) OR you'll have to do a little digging for the information on your own. (Did you hear another bit of minutes piled together to get that info!??)

Once you find said info you have to either export it, copy and print it, copy the info into a safe notebook, and/or print it out for regular access/planning purposes... Then you have to read and evaluate what is in front of you. Do you think TPTB make it easy for a layperson to understand the establishment's expectations of their educational system. Uhhh... NO!!!! Why the heck would they make it easy!!?? They don't WANT you taking their tax money away by keeping your child home! And if you think I'm just being paranoid, you have NOT informed yourself!!!!

Back to the subject: thankfully I do have a background in education, so most of the benchmark info is pretty easily decipherable, but it took me a few minutes to sort of alter my brain to function in teacher mode to GET what was written "plainly" in front of me! And I, given my teacher training, am still a little confused on some of the benchmarks for Math and Science (since my background was English THAT section, at least, made sense to me). I feel so sad for someone who doesn't have the background a trained teacher would (even if they never taught in public school)! There would be even MORE research/TIME! involved for translation purposes for such a person!!!!!

The next step is to determine how to present the material you've determined your child needs to learn/understand. More than likely, if you are homeschooling, you do NOT plan to stick to the basics required by your state, so there's more research into additional kinds of education and things developmentally appropriate for your child at their given stage. In this step is the decision about prepared curriculums vs. piecing it all together one's self... A whole cirriculum is attractive (possibly easier?!), but there-in lies a problem of money (for poor homeschoolers like muuuaaa). And if you do decide to use some existing material, you have to figure out if there are any inappropriate parts. Even Christian materials for a Christian (like myself) may contain questionable material (like the trinity, for instance, since that does NOT fit the cosmology/diety I know!).

Then there's presentation. Thankfully, for me! Ria (and most children, really) just loves to learn so MUCH that I could totally botch this section and she would still come away from the whole thing a much smarter chickie. But this step also requires some time. Often time spent on the preparation of presentation materials, thinking about how to share the info with the child, and then the actual DOING. Which brings me to:

Last, but CERTAINLY NOT least, there is the actual time spent on the education of the homeschooled child(ren). While this is, or at least, SHOULD be, enjoyable time spent with one's child, it is often fraught with annoyance and frustration - especially in the early days (after the first few really fun ones)! The child doesn't necessarily want to sit for extended periods of time (and I'm not even talking the kind of time they would have to sit in their desk at school - even for Kindergarten!) doing something other than what they actually CHOOSE/WANT to do at that moment. Ria LOVES school, but her fidgeting and fussing get really annoying really quickly. Okay, so you already know I've had anger issues... the previous sentence as an example of one of the many times during the day that I am extremely careful (since quitting the yelling about 4 weeks ago)!

The actual time spent on 1 subject (reading), for us, is usually only about 30-45 minutes. Sometimes even less, actually - like when I accidentally choose a WAY TOO EASY book for her to read! But since I've been feeling the need to really get INTO school we've been doing 3 and 4 subjects/learning lessons, which easily puts us up to 2 hours. Yes, this could (in theory) be split up through the day, but, in reality, the splitting doesn't work so well most days. I am most assuredly NOT complaining about this time. I'm simply illustrating the issues for the dude most important to me (and any curious by-standers that have made it this far).

---------------WORK to make MONEY--------------------------------------------
In case you're wondering, since I haven't mentioned it in quite a while, I have officially give up working my ETSY shop like a real business. I still intend to try to sell a bit around Christmas, but I'm not even hyped up about that any more. WHY?? Well, because Jessie made it SUPER clear that he was so totally not supportive of my efforts (because the house was the ball dropped when I added the WORK ball to the juggling). It's been really sad letting go of that dream of a way to get Jess home more, but it's also made my life easier. I honestly cannot imagine how others juggle it all WITH a creative job! And since Jess was totally unsupportive (he didn't DO anything to help, but he also was not okay with me letting the ball roll away from me either) I have completely dropped that ball. I even threw away the business cards associated with it. The store is still open, but I'm not advertising or trying to move prospective buyers my way.

However, when someone is involved in such a pursuit there are myriad time drains attached. I will list without explanation since it's not super pertinent to my life any longer. Creation of product, packaging of product, self-promotion (SO MUCH TIME!), market research, product research, comparison shopping to improve marketing, self-education on techniques to improve product, and so much more!

OUTSIDE CLASSES for CHILD(REN)
This is critical for the homeschooled child. Not only for the social interaction it provides and stimulates, but also for the change of environment inherent in GOING TO CLASS. While the activities are chosen by parent and/or child, there comes a time in every child's experience when they just want to quit. Ria arrived at that point very early in her dance year. Jess and I have decided how to deal with this situation and that's what we did. For every time a given child wants to quit something we will allow them to do so only after a give period of time. Ria was 3 when she wanted to quit and we never really had a conversation about this whole subject with her because by the following dance class she was excited and wanted to go and NEVER wanted to quit during the remainder of the school year. Currently she is asking when she will get to go back to dance class (we're off until September).

So, even though the parent gets to choose class times (for the most part) we have to live according to anothers' schedule for those classes. This past year Ria has attended Dance class, Story Time (not officially a class, but counts to her), and Joy School (which turned into Play At The Park). Because of shortage of fundage I could not enroll her in Karate (which I TOTALLY wanted to do!). And because we don't have a piano as yet (also no fundage) she has not started piano lessons (which would also be taxing if not imposible due to lack of money). I'm hoping to have enough money to start Ria (at least), but hopefully also Kat in swim classes. So as of August I WANT to have them both in swim class and the following month they will both start Dance! That's a significant amount of time AND money devoted to only two classes (for two children)!!!!

So, is there any wonder that a Mama feels overwhelmed on a regular basis? And, please, Jessie, (or random dude trying to learn a bit more about his Venus Bride) don't think this is a comprehensive explanation. These are only the things that are most present (CONSTANTLY) and pressing on THIS Mamas mind RIGHT NOW. There are more issues that are a bit more philosophical and troublesome more mentally and emotionally than these highlighted and verbosified upon. (Yes, verbosified is probably NOT a word, but I like to make things up... I'm a creative person, after all!) ^_^ I'm sure I've also forgotten one or two that troubles me regularly, but I forget things REALLY regularly. Can you imagine WHY!!?? After this tutorial, I would have to say you are COMPLETELY and UTTERLY HOPELESS if you answered the last question to the negative!

Losing

Have you ever lost something you never really had? Well, I guess, in truth, anything ANY of us lose (as far as things) fits in this category because it's all gifts on loan from our Heavenly Father! But... I mean, have you ever thought you would be able to get something, do something, or go somewhere and felt great joy over it; only to realize that it wouldn't happen? Doesn't feel good.

But then, sometimes I think, the looking forward to WHATEVER is the thing that sort of pulls us through a rough patch or gets us over a hurdle. I know this is true for me now. My family will not be making the trip to VA as we thought and planned for the end of June/July. We just don't have the ability to gather the funds for that as well as everything else in our lives that we HAVE to pay for and would like to pay for. Examples of HAVE to pay for include our midwife: $3200, gas for the trip (were we to make it): $800+, lost wages from making the trip (see prvious parenthesis): $460+, and a sort of non-monetary issue, but something really significant that was causing me lots of stress is that we would be using all of Jessie's regular vacation time. This last item on the list is particularly distressing because I have been planning for him to take 1-2 weeks off after the baby's birth for us to sort of bond as a family. We have NEVER before had that sort of opportunity and I really yearn for his help and that time together. When Ria was born, Jess was in school and only took a day off to help me through labor and delivery. He left the hospital that night to be able to make it to school the next day. When Kat was born he was working two jobs and we were preparing to move. We actually departed when she was exactly 3 weeks old. Jessie's presence at home after the birth becomes an even greater issue if I do end up having twins! (Always a possibility.) And of course, there are things we would like to afford that we just wouldn't be able to if we made the trip to VA. THOSE things I would be happy to sacrifice if we could reasonably make the trip without straining our budget too much.

On the positive side, since I'm trying to "Pollyanna-Up" in my life, we won't spend as much money since we're not going. (So obvious, but this has implications all over the place.) We'll have more money to spend on food storage, which I know I've mentioned has been a huge concern for me as of late. I'm pretty sure I will also be able to scrounge enough money together for the girls to take at least 1 month of swim classes, which is pretty important to me since we live on a barrier island! I will be able to start saving for next year's dance classes (TWO girls in dance... LOTS more money out each month!), we'll be able to completely pay off our midwife by week 36 (which is when we are supposed to complete payments) without cutting into food money or having to delay dance class or something like that, and we'll still be able to do little things together like eat out when we go to the temple.

We are starting a July 2009 trip to VA fund. Jess and I discussed that likelihood that even if some big changes occur (as he thinks they will) he will be able to take time off by then for a trip. So, we get 6 checks a month and we'll be saving something out of EACH one. We'll be in VA July 2009. Not sure of the dates, of course, but that's the month. :)

On to a much more exciting and positive form of losing. ;) So far the scale has moved down 2 pounds in the last two weeks! I'm so happy and excited. Tomorrow I see my midwife and I'm so excited to hear how happy for me she will be. I'm also curious what HER scale will say because it seems rather kind. ^_^ I'm so very pleased because I know from all my studies that 2 pounds per week is the best/safest weight loss (as opposed to more). So, give that I'm preggie, the 1 pound a week is really comfy for me. I feel it is very safe. Also, I measured myself last night. Comparing my measurements to the last time I did it (October 2007: SEVEN months ago) I have lost 8 inches overall, but gained one in my waist (which, of course, goes across the upper belly). Pretty great, right!!? Oh, and I lost the most, a WHOPPING 2 inches, across the lower belly, even WITH being preggie. I'm pleased and even more encouraged to continue my walking program. YEAY for me!!!

Jess starts his FIFTH week as a non-smoker tomorrow!!! He's doing quite well with this change and I'm so proud of him. He has only been snappish/nasty two times thus far. And one of those times I realized what was happening, so I pointed out to him what he was doing and he totally appologized almost right away. Jess has to leave a few minutes between things I tell him and his action. Pride. Doesn't please me, but I get it now, at least.

Oh, I just checked my mileage. I'm actually under 4 miles when I walk the bridge, but it's more than 3 by a little bit. I'm going to try to add a block to that walk and get to 4 miles to see what my timing is. I haven't checked to see what I'm walking when I do intervals, but I'm really curious about that. So, perhaps I'll check on it tomorrow since I have to take the van out again. Oh, we were out in the van for the Play in the Park we do (used to be Joy School). That was lovely, as always. My friend Heather came with her 3, Sage with her 2, and Oz came with her son. So we had a larger group than usual for a while. It was pretty great!