Finally Some Good News From/About the Gollihughs!

(make sure to read all the way to the bottom)

You Might be Pregnant If...

...you (could) go to bed at 8pm, fall asleep before 9pm, wake up every 3 hours to pee, wake up at 7am, then need a nap by 12:30pm with your 20 month old, sleep for an hour or more, and feel more than ready for bed by 8pm during your first trimester!

...you lose your vocabularly in direct relation to the number of weeks you fulfill toward gestating your newest little one.

...restrooms are rated (meaning you know where most of them are along any route you regularly travel) and you only stop at the worst ones for the greatest emergencies... and those happen far too often.  yuck.

...sleep is pretty much more attractive than anything else you might consider doing.

...feelings rise unprovoked and wash over you and explode out in completely unreasonable and disproportionate ways.

...compulsions arise anew and with a raging force that feels uncontrollable.

....you feel all fired up at times and just want to duke it out verbally.  When there is no one to exchange intelligent sparring, you just feel all tied up in knots.

...sleep is your best friend and you have either fallen asleep in unexpected places or are concerned that you may do so in the near future.

...you have to clip your nails much more frequently than normal (twice in one week? yep!).

...you feel like you must exponentially increase your Temple attendance and manage to go weekly.  Each time you go you feel relief, peace, and love that seems elusive through the rest of the week... even the couple weeks you're not able to go in to work, but hang out on the grounds with your children.  After a few weeks, you realize that you started to feel compelled to go to the Temple weekly the very first week you conceived and managed to get there once a week for 13 weeks.

...sleep... yes, may I?  It is probably the activity you most long for... all the time.

...you really think you've said one thing only to find that ALL those to whom you were speaking heard something (the same thing) that you didn't mean to say.  (Okay, so this happens to me while breastfeeding, too, but FAR more frequently during gestation!)  ^_^

...you feel compelled to clean REALLY often (and odd things that most normal folks (including your NOT-preggie self) wouldn't think often necessary of cleaning once second trimester hits.

...you find yourself sobbing over lovely music videos like THIS:



These are all relatively recent experiences.

To be perfectly plain: we are expecting sweet Golly-baby #5.  We are around half-way through this gestation.  Praise the Lord, cause it's been a rough one... in case you're wondering, since there are a few allusions to this potential truth: I am SIGNIFICANTLY more tired this time around then EVER before!  ;)  I might say exhausted and ridiculously fatigued are more accurate descriptions than "tired".

Public Notice:
If you don't have anything kind, loving and/or supportive to say about this pregnancy or the addition of #5 to our family, simply refrain from commenting here or to me in person.  And by this I mean that if you feel any desire to make any comments like: "You DO know how that happens, right?"  or, "I can tell you how to prevent this." or anything else you may consider funny... CLUE: so totally NOT actually FUNNY and I will not respond well if you choose to be a jerk by such jokes.

Truth: i heard these jokes as the eldest of 6 and did NOT appreciate them then.  I appreciate them FAR less now - especially because of the things I know about the family I hope to have.  I simply will not tolerate you making thinly veiled comments about my family whether in joke form or not.  Thank you for reading, synthesizing, and commenting in ways that are truly kind and supportive!!  ^_^  Since none of you folks who read here (or those I know in my real life) are dolts, I will leave you to consider and determine WHAT is actually kind and supportive given the above information!  :)

Oh, and, as is normal for us, we will not find out whether we're adding a boy or girl to our lil' Golly Gang until s/he is actually born.  So... you'll just have to wait along with us to find out in June!  ^_^

Under the Influence

A friend who was beyond appropriately named Sage (for she is a sage) once said something like, "I just think that once we can see and know what we were really dealing with here in this life, that we'll really understand how huge a part hormones played in our experience of life."  and, "I just think life would be so much easier without hormones."

Prior to this pregnancy, I've felt ups and downs during pregnancy, it is true.  Probably Jessie would convey a different experience of me than what I've felt, but I'm sharing my truth... and my truth is that I never felt like I REALLY understood what my friend was talking about because, you see, my sage of a friend was referring especially to the hormonal effects of pregnancy.  And while I had experienced some moments of a sort of almost-out-of-control-ness, I didn't feel it for the majority of the pregnancy.  Or, maybe I'm remiss and I simply cannot remember that much of the time before each of my children.  Anyway... be it as it is...  My truth is my truth and maybe I will know differently when I can perceive it all as one.  But that won't be for some time, I hope.  :)

Anyway... this time around was significantly more difficult (prior to enduring the spontaneous abortion aka miscarriage... more on why I prefer the former over the latter in another post, me thinks).

For instance, as I originally wrote this, it was very late Sunday night, June 25th (and I was already within the dark corridor of the spontaneous abortion, but did NOT know it for absolutely sure (read: had not received confirmation by bloodwork, even though I knew it by whispers and impressions of the Lord)).  I had a truly horrible experience at church that morning, but haven't ever really shared it here for many reasons, the top among them being that it would require I officially out myself as pregnant, which I thought I was.  That would've then made it super difficult for me to treasure the blessing of the pregnancy I thought I was in, in private as I desired to do.
The experience that Sunday morning truly is something no one should have to deal with.  Probably all too many of you have since we do, unfortunately, live among others who are just as shot full of sin as we are (or is it just me that's shot full of sin? HA!).  Suffice it to say that I was approached about something unnecessary, neutral words were spoken to me in a manner I took as confrontational, in the presence of my children and, being overtired and stressed out (because I was bleeding and in denial of what was going on in my body) I told the speaker to "back off" and "back off, buddy" (as my Ria remembers so clearly because she was shocked to hear me say such a thing in seriousness because that last phrase is one I have only in very serious circumstances said with any heat or venom).  The speaker did not do as I directed when saying "back off."  Already being much aggitated because of hormones, fatigue and deep concern and stress heavy in my heart (which was my reaction to heavy spotting which had begun the night before and had not subsided, but had increased (and the only reason I was at church is because Jessie said I should go) through the night (read: still bleeding as I was being told I was doing wrong by this person who became truly confrontational), I decided to leave immediately, said as much out loud, to which this unkind person replied, "Good!"  That topped the cake and an already physically shaking Tori burst out in sobbing tears, much, I'm sure, to the pleasure of the unkind person.  :(

Now, the following is my tell all on Tori because I did not handle myself well at all that day.  There were well-meaning people following me.  Hoping to help me, I'm sure.  Kind folk who just wanted me to be okay.  (They didn't come to my aid or support in this stupid confrontation, which, I think, is why I rejected their help after-the-fact.  I mean, really?  You just stand by while a woman with children is "told" by a man in no position of authority tells her where she can sit.  Really??)  Anyway, that's not a good reason OR excuse, but the truth is, I freaked out.  I mean, seriously.  At some point, I stopped, turned around, and literally yelled... no, I SCREAMED at my pursuers to stop following me.  I seriously SCREAMED....  I seriously did.  Right there in the hallway at church.  Yes.  Tori did.  Oh, I also think I yelled in the Chapel at that person who was harassing me.  I'm a sinner.  Pure-t sinner.  If you didn't know it before, now you have a REALLY clear picture of one manifestation of my sin.
I was supported.  I must say, as a result of this experience I know ever more clearly that ALWAYS, my friend, no matter what, there is an angel in our Gethsemane - however big or small a particular experience (that feels like it's huge and horrible at the time) is, an Angel is there.  Whether we see them or not.  My angel in this particular bloody garden was a friend who stealthily shadowed me to my van, silently helped pack my children away, unobtrusively suggested that she could watch them while I spoke with the Bishop (if I so chose), and generously, with Christ-like Charity drove my children and me home (because I was shaking too hard to be safe on my own).

Even in my freak-out, God provided!  Isn't He amazing!?!!

Later on, a sister who observed the whole interaction in the Chapel, wrote to me to let me know she observed and was sorry I had to deal with that.  How does one spell comfort?  I'll tell you: c-o-m-p-a-s-s-i-o-n, c-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-a-t-i-o-n and t-i-m-e.  :)

And then a bit later in the evening I received a note from a sister-in-love suggesting that she might send some clothes for Jmy to grow into... which concern I've been pushing out of my worry-wart zone because it is something that could become an issue relatively soon.  And I just felt LOVE.

Even though I totally handled myself so amazingly poorly, God showed me these concrete messages of acceptance and Love.  How awesome and amazing is that!?  And how truly wonderful the people who were instruments in His hands to help my heart heal before I was even willing to try to let go of the anger I allowed myself to feel over the whole situation.
And then Jessie put on his super shiny armor to go defend me.  It's only these sorts of ridiculous situations that could possibly require the donning of that armor and the raising of that sword of his.  And when it comes right down to it (and I am attacked by a party outside of our marriage), he has always gone to battle for me.

What a gift.

God IS Great!!!

So, YES, I'm under (and was definitely under) the influence of the powerful and overly-heady concoction that is pregnancy/spontaneous abortion hormones!  :(  I've read it can take as long as 4 weeks (and longer, heaven forbid), for the hormones to fully abate.  This still only amounts to a grand excuse because, let's face it, my body is subject to my Spirit whether I'm pregnant, going through spontaneous abortion, or otherwise.  I pray you also consider, though, that I am in my Spiritual childhood.  Perhaps, in some people's eyes I am an advanced young'un, but I'm about 8 years old now... ripe and ready for Baptism.  Not really...since I've already BEEN Baptized.  But I hope you get the comparison.  I sure am grateful to have been able to partake of the Sacrament yesterday....

Don't worry.  I'm all right.  God's Got It, doncha know!?  :)

When a Partner Refuses Children

I don't have all that much experience with this subject, but felt like I must write something about it.  I'm really not sure why because I don't think there are all that many people (other than my fam) who read here, but here goes!  ^_^

So, I know of some folks who are not in agreement.  It's so very difficult to be in a place of not agreeing with your spouse.  I DO know a LOT about THAT, unfortunately.

Anyway... I know a couple ladies... good Christian ladies, strong in the LDS Faith (at least, seems to me they are) who refuse to have any more children even though their husband desires more and feels strongly that they should have more.  I know, for sure, that at least two of the ladies I know of  are afraid of having more children.  One of them is afraid because of health reasons.  The other is afraid because of a combination of health and financial reasons.

I love all the people I know who refuse more children.  I'm not standing in judgement of them.  I simply do not understand their refusal.  I used to feel angry about this lack of understanding on my part and I'm sure others may have misunderstood and thought I was angry at them...  But, you see, I think I'm pretty okay in the intelligence arena.  I'm not the cream of the crop, or anything, but I can wrap my mind around some pretty interesting and possibly even dificult subjects.  But I simply cannot wrap my little brain around refusing more children.  I mean, I understand the words these folks speak, but I just don't get how those words jive with their Faith.

Don't get me wrong.  I have my own issues where Faith and trust mash and don't mesh.  I have begun to remember something from my childhood and it has caused some seismic shocks unlike any of the transformational psychic shifts I've experienced in the last 8 years.  And the shock waves issuing forth from the partial memory remembrance have, combined with other experiences (a plethora, actually), created the circumstances in which I have made certain choices about trust.  To trust or not to trust, that is the question.  And I've chosen to cut way back on trusting as a result of my experiences.  There are those who would say that this is counter to having Faith and I would simply respond that they don't have enough information... and, sorry to say, but I'm not sharing the pertinent data.  In fact, I would say that I have been Led (of our Father God) to cut way back on trusting.  He is teaching me to be other than my nature.  Makes perfect sense, really.  The natural (wo)man is an enemy to God.  My nature just happens to be a bit too open as far as God is concerned.

However, when I ask whether the decision (among those I have ventured to probe this deeply) to refuse children was inspired of the Lord, I have yet to receive an affirmative answer.  The responses rest heavily on the understanding of men... the philosophies of men, if you will.  I know of one couple who recently had their final child.  I never asked, because it came up in the course of conversations, but this family truly believes that Heavenly Father has approved their family size.  And to the extent that I understand this family, it seems likely that they are absolutely correct.  I understand that.  I feel sorta sad that they are so young (younger than me and not having more children just seems young... silly, but still!),

Midwife Visit Wednesday

Yes, I'm still preggie.  :)  I'm only two days overdue.  This is nothing compared to my baby-having history!

I saw my midwife today and found out that I'm a solid 3cm dilated.  Progress.  It IS good to hear.  My cervix is super mushy.  Good.  Basically, she said I just need some good contractions and I'll get ripe and ready right quick.  heehee  ^_^

I lost a pound these last 6 days.  (Totally not trying to, of course.)

Strong baby heart tones in the 140s.  Always good to know and I get to hear this good news each time I see my midwife.  :)

My fundal height (measure of the size of the uterus from pubic bone to top of the same) is 38cm... which is down from 40 last week and down from 44 a few weeks ago.  How FUNNY!  It's all about the baby's position at this point.  Nothing to worry about, folks.

Baby is still floating quite high... just like Tea did, so no news on station.

I woke up tonight at 9pm after sleeping, maybe, 1/2 an  hour.  SUCH a good half-hour's sleep!!!  I woke up and felt totally barfy and aggitated.  Really hyper, actually.  Worked to calm my racing heart, and focus on not moving too much in hopes that the feeling of an impending vomit fest would go away.  It did.  Heart calmed.  But I couldn't fall back to sleep.  So, here I am.  Hoping the baby is getting ready to join us in the world of air and that my body is getting ready to evict the baby in the next few hours.  I really would like to give Ria the only gift she hasn't yet received, which she desires: her Daddy home for her whole birthday DAY.  The only way that's happening is if we have the baby between now and when he has to leave for work around 1pm tomorrow.  *sigh*  It's in the Lord's hands.  HE knows I would give my girl what she wants if it were entirely up to me.  Just waiting on the Lord and working on completely submitting my Will to His.  Such a difficult things at times like these!

Cock's Crow

Did you know that Cock's Crow is an actual time during the night?  I've definitely learned it IS.  Jess thought we just had crazy roosters until he learned, through a radio program, that cock's crow is from about 4:30am until sunrise.  So, our roosters are mostly normal because they generally do start constant crowing around 4:30am.  Of course, there are the extra frustrating mornings when they start around 2:30am.  And the NICE mornings that they don't crow for a first go until around 6am.  But they are definitely normal.  (Oh, and roosters crow all day long... not just during "cock's crow"!!!)

This winter it hasn't been so bad.  The window have been closed, so that bit of glass muffled the crowing a bit.  And with three roos, we need all the muffling we can get.

Well, it's spring.  And with hotter-than-I-like days, still not being able to use AC, the house has been getting rather warm.  Uncomfortably warm for this heavy preggie girl!  But the nights are still cool.  Cool enough to cool the house down NICELY if we can leave a couple key windows/doors open.  One key area to keep open (and to help me sleep better!) is the window right above my head.

I recently evicted two of the roosters from the chicken tractor.  The darn boy birds don't take NO for an answer and my poor hens still have featherless patches on their backs cause there were too many roosters in the tractor with them!  Ria was particularly worried about the boys birds because they are no longer protected.  I had to turn her attention to concern for our egg layers.  The boys are basically unproductive food eaters!  Since the explanation that the boys just wanted too much sex and didn't do anything that was really helpful and, in fact, were hurting our productive hens, she's not as actively worried about them.

A negative effect of the release of the roos is that one of them (of course the one I like least) decided to roost on the power box right above my bedroom window!!!  The one I'm leaving open out of necessity now!  ARGGHHHH!!!  Talk about a frustrating morning or three as I came to realize where he'd chosen to sleep.  So, now I have to remember to get outside after dark to move him.  He doesn't do well with me just trying to chase him away from his favorite spot, so I've learned that I have to grab him by the legs, hang him upside down (so he doesn't bite me, which he HAS done) and drop him in a box, making sure to cover the top with something heavy enough that he cannot dump himself out of it.  *sigh*

Just for the record, I was actually going to suffer through the early rooster rowdiness right at my head because I've been unsuccessful in finding homes for the boy birds I don't want/need and I'm unabl to butcher them myself.  It's my fault, not theirs.  But then Jess started this new job (just this past Monday!).  He's able to get, tops, 8 hours sleep when he gets home.  Given his detox efforts (to quit smoking), he really does need more sleep than that....  He's worked from 9am to 11pm Monday through Thursday and I think yesterday until the end of bike week the restaurant will remain open until midnight....  In addition,  he has about an hour's drive each way.  The 8 hours' sleep would only be possible IF he were able to take a super quick shower immediately upon returning home.  And IF he didn't speak to me about his day before going to sleep.  And IF we skipped couple's prayer and Bible reading.  And IF he was able to fall asleep right away.  (Ok, so that last one probably would NOT be a problem for Jess, ever, but still.)  As it is he's not able to take terribly long showers (longer would relax him more and help him calm down/unwind), we don't get to talk very long (and if I talk it's very little so that he has more time to process through his day as I listen), our couple's prayers are rather short, we're basically reading only a verse or a couple in the Bible, and Jess IS falling asleep super fast when he fully lays his head down on his pillow.

So, when, one morning this week, Jess woke around 4am because of the crowing and moved to the couch out of frustration with the rooster rowdiness (they mostly take turns crowing, so instead of one nice crow we get a few hours of almost constant noise), I decided that I would do something to preserve my husband's sleep the next morning.  I forgot to do anything about it that night, though.  So, 5am rolled around and the crowing woke me up, but Jess was still sleeping.  So, I dashed outside and chased the most obnoxious noise maker away from his roost (the one right above our heads).  He was totally going to try to get back there until I chased him away again.  Since then I've been striving to stick him in the box I described earlier.  He doesn't like it.  But the morning is significantly quieter without him at our heads.  Jess hasn't been awakened and unable to fall back asleep again, as yet.  I would know if he was cause I'm awakened and not able to fully sleep again most mornings!

Pregnancy News
On Thursday, my more recent appointment, my blood pressure was better than ever (and mine is usually SUPER good), I'm NOT spilling any protein, I'd only gained 2 pounds in a month (compared to 7 pounds in one week a couple months ago!),  I was about 2cm dilated (which is one more than the last time), and 80% effaced (which is 10% more than the last time).  So, these night waking contractions as well as those at other times are doing something.  YEAY!  :)  The more before labor, the better!

Comparing with past pregnancies
With my three daughters to date my blood pressure has always been good.  I've usually been spiling more and more protein at each visit for the month before the baby is born.  I've never gained any weight before.  In fact, I've lost 7 pounds during the course of EACH pregnancy previously.  I've usually been walking 3cm dilated for about 2-3 weeks before my due date.  AND I've usually been about 50% effaced for most/all of that time.  I don't think I've ever been 80% effaced before entering active labor.  So, this time is definitely different.  They all are, of course, but this one is the more different from the others by a long shot.  Perhaps I'm just becoming more of a regular woman!?  :)  Who knows.  (I know who knows! ^_^)

It would be nice if I could...

just crawl into a shell and wait until this baby comes along. But, unfortunately, I have things to do and places to go. Thankfully, not too many places to go. Thursdays are our busy day. I seriously considered skipping our activities just because I didn't want to hear about it from the ladies, especially at dance class!

I guess it wasn't really so bad... if you're someone who doesn't mind people talking about you like you #1 can't hear or #2 aren't there! :( Seriously. I would think these people just landed on planet Earth or something. I thought I was of little tact/finesse, but they certainly take the cake right out of my mouth, I must say! I mean, can't they imagine that, yes, I would REALLY like to have this baby, but that maybe I have more on my mind than my personal comfort!? *sigh* It's REALLY depressing to me to realize how LITTLE people (women, especially) know about the processes of labor, birth, and the importance of limiting (eliminating!) drugs from the newborn's experience! I swear they ALL either asked when or if I would be induced. WHY!??! All of them were concerned about how they wouldn't be able to take being pregnant. Yeah, ok, it's difficult and emotionally debilitating, to be completely honest, but MAN, get over it! Seriously, I'd rather feel a little bummed or whatever and have a baby born in its own time and in a TRULY safe way than try to force the bugger-boo along and have complications due to underdevelopment or side effects of pit or the epidural!!! I swear... if I swore... *sigh*

I'm going to try to leave than rant alone, though I would really like to keep purging.

A Dentist in Our Future!
We're going to finally have dental insurance for Jess and the girls as of tomorrow! YEAY!!! Now... to find the money to use it so they can each SEE a denitist! Joke of the century, right? Perhaps that's what my next ChaCha check will be for, instead of the piano or homeschool stuff I was hoping to be able to fully payback/purchase. Rats, foiled again!

Story Time
So, if there was any room for wonder in my mind before, there is no longer. Ria is definitely a performer! Today after Story Time the story time volunteer lady had Ria choose a book to read to her. She'd mentioned she'd like Ria to do as much last week and did, indeed, follow through. Apparently (this is all through Jess and Ria), the other two adults who brought children decided to stay and observe as an audience.

So, Ria read a book she chose from the children's section. It was not a leveled reader, it was not a book she'd read previously, it was just one she randomly selected based on interest. She read it to the story time lady (and audience) and then was emphatically applauded. When Jess and I asked her how she felt about the people clapping for her when they were home, Ria got this sweet whistful/joyful expression on her face and said something like, "I felt like a princess on stage! I love it when people clap for me!" ^_^

The Story Time volunteer lady was duely impressed. She told Jess that Ria was a gifted reader. Jess responded that Ria had a good teacher (and I would add, teacherS!). The lady countered that, no, it didn't matter how good a teacher she had, Ria would be a gifted reader no matter what.

I beg to differ! The woman does not know how much effort and time went into the program we did to get her ABLE to develop on her own. Yes, Ria has made great progress since completing her huge step into reading via HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD TO READ IN 100 EASY LESSONS because she reads to herself, Kat, Jess, and me almost constantly, but she didn't teach herself!

To me, a gifted reader is one (like my brother Eddie was, I believe and like Jess was) who teaches him or herself to read by memorizing texts and making inferences based on prior memorizations! Ria IS exceptional, she TOTALLY DOES have an exceptional (perhaps genius of a) memory, but I'm quite sure she's not gifted in and of herself in reading... she's VERY motivated and loves to read (and since she doesn't get to watch TV all the time, she has LOTS of time for reading!), but she's not gifted in the way I think of as gifted. I'm sure she has her genius, but I don't believe we've found it just yet. :)

Still, I do have to admit that it's pleasant to hear that a career kindergarden educator believes my child is gifted. I'd be blowin' smoke where the sun don't shine if I tried to deny that! ^_^

Dance Class and Piano Class
Ria did well in both of her classes. I was able to watch a little of her dance class and she was quite attentive and followed along really well. I love to see her dance! And when the little girls do barr work at the beginning... I think it's about the sweetest and most beautiful thing!

We walked to piano class (the mere 5 blocks round trip) because Kat was tired and I didn't want her to sleep in a hot van! She slept through almost the whole piano class. So, because Kat was sleeping, I didn't get to sit in and watch/listen to her lesson.

Ria was fidgety and easily distracted, but did her lesson pretty well. Mary Kay told me she could really tell we'd worked on memorizing how to find the keys as well as counting notes while playing. I'm so glad! Ria did pretty well for me prior to the last lesson (with regard to counting her beats), but then didn't perform as well for her teacher. It seems her performance did improve this time.

Mary Kay was surprised by Ria's opinionated expressions today. Ria told her a few times (not rudely, at least, though) that she didn't want to do certain things for the lesson. I'm very frustrated to hear she would do such a thing with an adult outside of our family, but that's definitely a part of the phase we're dealing with lately! I'm glad, at least, to know that she knows what she wants and doesn't want (on the bright side?).

As of this lesson, we have transitioned from working exclusively on the black keys, to working on the white ones. That's so exciting to me, but also daunting because here's where praciticing on a keyboard becomes a bit of a detriment. Ria's little fingers aren't as strong as they need to be to play a piano with any clear sounding notes and the only way to get them stronger is to practice on a REAL piano! So, that's my goal for this weekend. I've already borrowed some money from someone who loves us and I've found TWO absolutely beautiful pianos for $100... now I just have to see if our hometeacher with a truck can take Jess to Jacksonville to buy one of them (assuming one or both are available)! One has a broken spindle (front leg from piano to foot), but they are both sound and gorgeous!!! I feel almost lucky to have missed the previous $100 pianos I've come across because these two are far more beautiful to me! Cross your fingers that it works out so Ria can practice on a real piano and keep making the awesome progress (and even better, strengthen her fingers in the way pianists need) as of this weekend. That's what I'm hoping right now! Actually, I'm hoping lots of things, but this is the one that seems most likely to pan out! ;)

Will It Ever End?

Just joking, of course I know it will end, this pregnancy... but I have to tell you, especially those of you who haven't experienced the sheer torture of going over your due date (and even more especially to those of you who've never made it to your due date) that it TRULY bites the big one to be pregnant beyond the day birth is supposed to occur!

Oh, by the way, I'm officially FOUR days overdue now. And the whole process of this pregnancy is getting ever increasingly painful - emotionally as well as physically. I totally skipped church yesterday because I'd slept a whole whopping 30 minutes all night. Yeah... not good. But I could have gone. I just couldn't make myself face all those loving (and a couple spiteful and mean) people looking at me like a freak for still being pregnant and then having to pretend to be fine and happy and all that other gobbledygook. Jess and I had a huge fight and I didn't want to sit next to him, much less pretend that I liked him. Of course... I do love him, but I really REALLY don't like him very much as a person even now and I liked him far less a few hours ago! And, "NO!" It's not pregnant hormone stuff going on, either! It's a big huge pile of crapola that I thought I wouldn't have to wade through again, actually. Now, the fact that I couldn't stop crying for more than 12 hours could well be related to the hormones. I will admit that one!

So, I just watched this movie online "The Women" because there's not any point in trying to lie down to go to sleep before midnight when I've had just enough sleep during the day, which, of course, I did as a result of not going to church. In the movie one of the characters said something about how every relationship experiences betrayals of some sort. In some relationships, the betrayal is one big huge one, while in others, it's billions of little ones all stacked together over time. Nary a mention of multiple big ones stacked together over time. Perhaps that's because most people hit the road after one or two big ones? So, I guess that makes me a glutton for punishment because I'd have to say that the betrayals I've experienced amount to a bunch of big ones... and I'm so flippin sick of it!

But then it boils down to this... how do you end something you KNOW you're suppose to be in!? I mean, the real concentrate (like OJ from concentrate) of the matter here, for me, is that I know Jessie is the person I'm supposed to be married to... I just happen not to like his behavior and choices AT ALL at times. So, I think what I'm supposed to do is just sort of deal with it. Not in a doormat sort of way, but more like in an "unconditional love" sort of way... and a "patiently guiding and waiting and hoping for improvement" sort of way. And if you know me, those last quotation marked bits are really not inherently my strong points. AND, like the main character in the movie, I think I'm meant to work on improving me and liking myself more fully and completely so that the billion little (OR enormous) betrayals don't fracture my world the way they have been.

I've realized, after this most recent bout with Jess, that it's as if the frame of the house of my life is built out of Jessie material and that it's the wrong stuff for that particular job. I think I just need to start putting Tori stuff in there instead because I KNOW what that stuff is made of and that it won't break down on me in ways that I can't catch before it falls. The Jessie material needs to be used in the house in ways that it's more suited for... how that is, I'm not quite sure yet. I haven't made it that far in my philosophizing and analogy-making about the whole situation. But I'm working on it! Also, in all this philosophizing I've realized that while my "house" had been shaking because bits of framing have failed (again), the most important part of the structure is in tact. "And, why might that be," you may ask. I'll tell you, because it's all built on the foundation of Christ, that's why! I'm so grateful for that... in all the aching and paining I've felt over the last while!!!

69

days left.

The Belly
I can really not believe that I'm this far along... and then... I CAN! My belly is so big! I'm pretty sure I'm measuring full-term already. I'll find out for sure on Wednesday. But the weird pains I haven't had until the last few weeks have been happening for the last week - ALREADY. You know, the weird pulling sensation on the back of the belly button, the s-tr-e-e-e-t-ch feeling in the front of the belly, and most painfully problematic: the inability to properly gauge belly girth! My belly button is as shallow as it ever has been with either prior pregnancy, so that's a good indicator that the belly is HUGE! Thus far, though, I haven't got a stretch mark to show for all the weirdness. That's pretty cool, I think. Probably this is due to the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm losing fat as the belly gets huge, so the skin is sort of staying in place.... or something. I don't know.

Hunger
I'm hungry all the time now. It started in for real last Wednesday. Basically, I have to eat AT LEAST every 4 hours or I get this really painful nagging in my stomach. I've tried drinking water/my preggie tea to see if I'm just short of liquids, which I think is unlikely with as much as I'm constantly drinking, but it's definitely not hunger pains requesting water! I've even had to get up out of bed in the middle of the night and REALLY early in the morning to get food, which I only remember doing in the last couple of weeks with Ria and Kat's pregnancies. This had better be: a) a boy, or b) twins to be as different an annoying a pregnancy as it is this time around!

Sleeping Beauties
Ria and Kat have been sleeping better, I think. I blacked out the windows in their rooms. This morning they slept until after 9am!!! Prior to the black out they were waking between 7:30am and 8:30am. I know these times probably seem really laid back to lots of Mamas, but considering Jessie's schedule (and how late I have to stay up to spend time with him alone... EVER!) the times they were waking up before were just way too dang early! I can definitely deal with 9am-ish much more easily! :)

Reading
Today Ria spent almost an hour in her room. It was strange because this is not something she normally chooses of her own accord. I mean, she usually gets sent to her room when she's in trouble. So, after about 30 minutes I went back to ask her if I'd sent her to her room. She looked at me in a funny way and told me that I hadn't. I acknowledged that and explained that I thought I hadn't, but I couldn't remember for sure. (Yet another side effect of this pregnancy that is more pronounced that the other two: SERIOUS forgetfulness! I couldn't remember where I put my church bag yesterday! When I found it I commented to one of the members of the Primary Presidency that I was sure I'd put it somewhere smart... and I was glad to realize I was right by finding it where it was! I've been in nursery with Sage, which I love, so keeping my bag with me would not have been the brightest idea.)

So, what was Ria doing? I can just imagine you might wonder, since she was hanging out back there in her room for so long of her own accord. She was sitting next to her book shelf (not yet completely full of books, but nicely stocked) and READING, of course! She is SUCH an awesome reader! I love that she loves to read both to herself and to her sister. What a blessing!!!

Hide and Seek With Daddy
Jessie is SO good at turning silly things into HUGE fun. Today Ria REALLY wanted him to play hide and seek with her. She wanted HIM to take turns in hiding and seeking with her. He didn't feel like it, I guess, so he turned it into hiding Kat for Ria to find. Now, this would totally not work with me because I don't have THE FORCE for making silly things fun as Jess does. He would rush Ria off with over-exaggerated urgency that she hurry off so Kat could hide. (If you know Jess at all, then you know how uncharacteristic it is for him to be really excitably or emotional about much of anything.) Then he would, in the same exaggerated urgency help Kat hide somewhere and then call Ria out. It turned out to be, what looked like to me, the best fun either of them had enjoyed in a while! And it started from something that neither wanted to do! Jess is so great with the girls when he wants to be!!! ^_^ I LOVE IT!

Just Pluggin' Along

We've had a few time consuming activities as of late. They are pretty much inter-related and still very iffy, so I'm not going to go into the nitty gritty as yet. We are hopeful that something good could be in our near future (pertaining to Jessie's career and our finances). If you feel so inclined, say a prayer for us that things start looking up. It would be (will be!) greatly appreciated!

Ria and Kat spent the morning with Mary, Victoria, and Ms. Sage yesterday. It was SUCH a treat and such a sweet and generous service by my friend, Sage. She came all the way out here to pick them up and then brought them home AND bought them ice cream on the way! She wanted them to look forward to spending time with them again. Ice cream wasn't necessary for that, I'm QUITE sure! So sweet and amazingly thoughtful. Don't you think?

Walking
I've still been walking. 5 days per week, even! The belly is getting pretty huge, but for whatever reason I don't feel myself needing to waddle as yet. At least, I don't feel the need for waddle most of the time! Perhaps it is BECAUSE of all the walking I do for exercise. That would be cool, eh? This week, thus far, I've been able to walk for at least 60 minutes each day. I feel really terrific about that... very pleased with myself and GRATEFUL for the cooperative weather! Even on Wednesday, when I didn't go walking, there was this HUGE crazy thunderstorm from about 3pm until 5, or so. But right around 6:30pm, when I'm trying to depart my home, the weather was lovely for walking. I was just SO beat after the temple trip and Jess went in to work (at the last minute) so I felt it was better to calmly stay at home rather than get frustrated with the bickering babies! :)

Starting a Part-Time, ANY time, Gig
I'm not yet fully approved, but I'm through with all the preliminary stuff for this Gig that I can do from home, on the internet, as much, or as little as I want... WHENEVER I want! and earn some money. It's not a huge payment per service rendered, but my sister-in-law (Jessie's sis) has been doing it for a bit and purchased a Wii for her girls with her earnings. So, I figure it could help us put a dent in our debt OR increase our food storage purchasing power! And addition to the latter will be VERY valuable!!! ^_^ I'm leaning toward the food storage purchasing initially, but once I feel we're covered/safe there it would definitely go toward our debt issues. I'm hopeful!

I'll let you know how it goes. I will, of course, invite you to join my team (though I'm not exactly sure what "my team" is or means). And I'll hope that you're interested if it's as flexible and easy as it seems to be thus far. Oh, and no monetary output required at all. The initial investment is time spent in reading all the rules and completing the required (EASY) tests. For me, that "investment" hasn't been tiny because of my beautiful distractions ;) BUT totally worth it if I can make any sort of an addition to our finances on a regular basis. Ya know?

Potty Training
Kat is doing quite well. She's only had one accident today. Yesterday none (though she wasn't in training mode full-on because of the day's activities). The day before I think she had an accident or two. But considering all things, she is really progressing amazingly well in this endeavor!

Pretend
Ria is FULL of pretend worlds and plans. She's so fun and funny to watch because she's SO often putting bits and pieces of her Disney movies together in strange sequences in her pretend play with Kat. Ria loves to play with Mama and Daddy. The BEST thing about playing with her parents, I think, is getting to tell them what to do! I swear it's the only "safe" way she can command her elders and she seems to really LOVE it. I suppose that's pretty normal and understandable! I mean, most of the time she's got to do what she's asked rather than get to tell others what to do. Less frequently, but sometimes, I do see and hear her integrating things she's read into her pretend play. More often, though, the reading comes out in her information sharing/teaching. Can you imagine what a joy THAT is for me?? I LOVE IT!!!!

Health
Thankfully, right now, we are all well. My only complaints are the fatigue (mental and physical), heartburn, and discomfort (especially when trying to sleep), but given the circumstance (pregnancy), that's not much to complain about! Jess is tired because he's not sleeping well, either. I swear this is mostly because of me, but he blames it on other things. I still feel bad because I'm tossing and turning a LOT these days! I have noticed that when I sleep on the couch (because the position there supports my body very nicely!) he seems much more rested in the morning. ahwell... Jess has a lot more pregnancy symptoms this time around than he did when I was preggie with Kat. He had some sympathetic pregnancy stuff when I was preggie with Ria, but I think it's probably more this time than then, even. Pretty interesting, huh?

Day 13

Jessie is almost through the critical first two weeks of becoming a non-smoker. I think it would be an even more critical time period if he wasn't using any nicorette, but he's barely using it. Last time he told me (this weekend) he was down to using only 2 each day. the package suggests 9 for the first 2 weeks. He started at 3 (4 one day) and is down from that! I'm so impressed!!!

So, what do YOU think about all the "food shortage" issues abounding in the news? I, for one, am feeling heightened anxiety about my food storage. The same thing happened (well, not as severly in the news) the last time I was preggie. And, as it happens, the anxiety was a HUGE blessing. I acted on it and purchased a 3 month supply of food. We used almost all of it, living off of food storage almost exclusively, right before and after our move here! So, I feel like this is another blessing. It may not be that the world is going to have a famine in the imminent future, though I DO believe that is a sort of eventuality as a part of these last days, but I really believe that the feeling I'm having is directing me to make some significant additions to our stores (which are NOT up to the 3 month limit we have in FL). We're doing it!!! Even though we might "need" to replace the car, we're going to make sure we have food storage in place before considering that. I'm so grateful Jess understands my feelings, sometimes... like the fact that this anxiety could be a really good indication that we may need what I desperately want to provide for our family, in the very near future!

I don't think I mentioned that my midwife ROCKS! I did mention that we saw her on Friday. After I weighed in, saw the same weight, and she said, "You go girl!" I explicitly spoke to her about my weight. I told her about how I was working to become more fit AND really hoped to lose a certain number of pounds. Her response? "Go for it!" She's completely confident that the baby (or babies??!) are growing well. I measured 19 centimeters and am actually only 17 weeks. (You're supposed to measure the same as your weeks.) So, she's probably going to pressure me about ultrasound if the gap increases as my pregnancy progresses. (At the last appointment I was 12 weeks and measured 13 centimenters.) With Ria I measured 2 cent. higher until really near the end. And with Kat I measure 2 high until I was about 20 weeks. So, it will be interesting to see what happens this time around. :)

On the subject of fitness... I accomplished my goal of walking 5 days for 1 hour each day last week. YEAY!!! I feel really good about that. I also did a really leasurely walk on another day. The girls were both walking, so it was REALLY slow for me.