Under the Influence

A friend who was beyond appropriately named Sage (for she is a sage) once said something like, "I just think that once we can see and know what we were really dealing with here in this life, that we'll really understand how huge a part hormones played in our experience of life."  and, "I just think life would be so much easier without hormones."

Prior to this pregnancy, I've felt ups and downs during pregnancy, it is true.  Probably Jessie would convey a different experience of me than what I've felt, but I'm sharing my truth... and my truth is that I never felt like I REALLY understood what my friend was talking about because, you see, my sage of a friend was referring especially to the hormonal effects of pregnancy.  And while I had experienced some moments of a sort of almost-out-of-control-ness, I didn't feel it for the majority of the pregnancy.  Or, maybe I'm remiss and I simply cannot remember that much of the time before each of my children.  Anyway... be it as it is...  My truth is my truth and maybe I will know differently when I can perceive it all as one.  But that won't be for some time, I hope.  :)

Anyway... this time around was significantly more difficult (prior to enduring the spontaneous abortion aka miscarriage... more on why I prefer the former over the latter in another post, me thinks).

For instance, as I originally wrote this, it was very late Sunday night, June 25th (and I was already within the dark corridor of the spontaneous abortion, but did NOT know it for absolutely sure (read: had not received confirmation by bloodwork, even though I knew it by whispers and impressions of the Lord)).  I had a truly horrible experience at church that morning, but haven't ever really shared it here for many reasons, the top among them being that it would require I officially out myself as pregnant, which I thought I was.  That would've then made it super difficult for me to treasure the blessing of the pregnancy I thought I was in, in private as I desired to do.
The experience that Sunday morning truly is something no one should have to deal with.  Probably all too many of you have since we do, unfortunately, live among others who are just as shot full of sin as we are (or is it just me that's shot full of sin? HA!).  Suffice it to say that I was approached about something unnecessary, neutral words were spoken to me in a manner I took as confrontational, in the presence of my children and, being overtired and stressed out (because I was bleeding and in denial of what was going on in my body) I told the speaker to "back off" and "back off, buddy" (as my Ria remembers so clearly because she was shocked to hear me say such a thing in seriousness because that last phrase is one I have only in very serious circumstances said with any heat or venom).  The speaker did not do as I directed when saying "back off."  Already being much aggitated because of hormones, fatigue and deep concern and stress heavy in my heart (which was my reaction to heavy spotting which had begun the night before and had not subsided, but had increased (and the only reason I was at church is because Jessie said I should go) through the night (read: still bleeding as I was being told I was doing wrong by this person who became truly confrontational), I decided to leave immediately, said as much out loud, to which this unkind person replied, "Good!"  That topped the cake and an already physically shaking Tori burst out in sobbing tears, much, I'm sure, to the pleasure of the unkind person.  :(

Now, the following is my tell all on Tori because I did not handle myself well at all that day.  There were well-meaning people following me.  Hoping to help me, I'm sure.  Kind folk who just wanted me to be okay.  (They didn't come to my aid or support in this stupid confrontation, which, I think, is why I rejected their help after-the-fact.  I mean, really?  You just stand by while a woman with children is "told" by a man in no position of authority tells her where she can sit.  Really??)  Anyway, that's not a good reason OR excuse, but the truth is, I freaked out.  I mean, seriously.  At some point, I stopped, turned around, and literally yelled... no, I SCREAMED at my pursuers to stop following me.  I seriously SCREAMED....  I seriously did.  Right there in the hallway at church.  Yes.  Tori did.  Oh, I also think I yelled in the Chapel at that person who was harassing me.  I'm a sinner.  Pure-t sinner.  If you didn't know it before, now you have a REALLY clear picture of one manifestation of my sin.
I was supported.  I must say, as a result of this experience I know ever more clearly that ALWAYS, my friend, no matter what, there is an angel in our Gethsemane - however big or small a particular experience (that feels like it's huge and horrible at the time) is, an Angel is there.  Whether we see them or not.  My angel in this particular bloody garden was a friend who stealthily shadowed me to my van, silently helped pack my children away, unobtrusively suggested that she could watch them while I spoke with the Bishop (if I so chose), and generously, with Christ-like Charity drove my children and me home (because I was shaking too hard to be safe on my own).

Even in my freak-out, God provided!  Isn't He amazing!?!!

Later on, a sister who observed the whole interaction in the Chapel, wrote to me to let me know she observed and was sorry I had to deal with that.  How does one spell comfort?  I'll tell you: c-o-m-p-a-s-s-i-o-n, c-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-a-t-i-o-n and t-i-m-e.  :)

And then a bit later in the evening I received a note from a sister-in-love suggesting that she might send some clothes for Jmy to grow into... which concern I've been pushing out of my worry-wart zone because it is something that could become an issue relatively soon.  And I just felt LOVE.

Even though I totally handled myself so amazingly poorly, God showed me these concrete messages of acceptance and Love.  How awesome and amazing is that!?  And how truly wonderful the people who were instruments in His hands to help my heart heal before I was even willing to try to let go of the anger I allowed myself to feel over the whole situation.
And then Jessie put on his super shiny armor to go defend me.  It's only these sorts of ridiculous situations that could possibly require the donning of that armor and the raising of that sword of his.  And when it comes right down to it (and I am attacked by a party outside of our marriage), he has always gone to battle for me.

What a gift.

God IS Great!!!

So, YES, I'm under (and was definitely under) the influence of the powerful and overly-heady concoction that is pregnancy/spontaneous abortion hormones!  :(  I've read it can take as long as 4 weeks (and longer, heaven forbid), for the hormones to fully abate.  This still only amounts to a grand excuse because, let's face it, my body is subject to my Spirit whether I'm pregnant, going through spontaneous abortion, or otherwise.  I pray you also consider, though, that I am in my Spiritual childhood.  Perhaps, in some people's eyes I am an advanced young'un, but I'm about 8 years old now... ripe and ready for Baptism.  Not really...since I've already BEEN Baptized.  But I hope you get the comparison.  I sure am grateful to have been able to partake of the Sacrament yesterday....

Don't worry.  I'm all right.  God's Got It, doncha know!?  :)

Jess at Home

Today and tomorrow Jess has off from The Club. I was up SUPER late doing ChaCha last night, so stayed in bed later than "normal" today. I was up, basically, until 4am and didn't leave my bedroom until just after 1pm! While that may sound like "the life," it REALLY is NOT! I had, prior to starting ChaCha, just started to be able to sleep most of the night... this is a HUGE deal for me because I've had tremendous sleep issues for quite a long while. For the most part I've coped, but it was really REALLY nice to start to feel sort of normal with the whole sleeping at night thing going! That didn't last long, obviously. I have to say, in comparison of sleeping by day/working at night OR sleeping at night/being up during the day, the latter is MUCH preferable!!! The quality of my sleep is downright pitiful. Not only because the girls are up for MANY of the hours I'm trying to sleep, but because SO IS THE SUN!!! It's difficult and frustrating, but I'm coping - as always. When Jess is able to more fully provide for our family, I will definitely cut back on the ChaCha and do it only as possible during the day and for a SHORT time after the girls go to sleep! It's just wearin' me down, man!

On the positive side, Jess is experiencing a LOT more of the frustration that comes with dealing with our daughters for MANY hours. He's still only got them, on his own, for about 4 hours... MAYBE a little more. Usually a bit less, actually. But by the end of the night tonight, he was the way I feel after 12+ hours with them! It was rather comforting to me, in a way... and frustrating in another way. Comforting because I feel like we're definitely in the roles that we should be in (with me staying home to care for our kids), but frustrating because with the way things are going he will be able to take vacation after the baby is born. The point of that is for him to take over EVERYTHING for a week after the new baby arrives so that I can rest and stay in bed with the baby. This is something each of our previous midwives have wanted me to do. With Ria, I sort of did... but at the same time I had to get geared up for returning to work, so I was pumping before the end of the first week to build a stash and did shopping by the end of that week for things I thought were necessary. And then, after Kat was born... we were moving when she was only 3 weeks old, so I had 2 days of "respite" that I allowed myself and then I was packing and cleaning and DOing WAY too much. As a result my body was WAY wrong for WAY too long. I'm NOT going to repeat THAT... and really, I want to have the experience I missed out on after the first two... just being a Mama getting used to a new baby! So, I'm worried that Jess is going to go absolutely BONKERS with having to take care of the house, fix meals, AND deal with our two older kiddos! YIKES! We'll see how that goes, eh? :)

Another depressing amount of time on the my walk today. A sweet friend shared some encouraging words and I'm grateful for them, regarding my walking time yesterday. But I can't help feeling frustrated about it (and today's!) because I've been trying so hard to keep active this pregnancy so that I'll be healthier and have a smoother labor... and then I'm not even able to maintain my time for the walks! The distance had already become pitiful before my experience Sunday, but I accepted that because the belly really does add something - even if it's not weight - that made the 4+ miles I was walking just NOT do-able! I'm still the same weight, but my breathing is greatly impacted lately (and the baby is low, NOT in my lungs at all!), I sweat profusely even when walking at what I KNOW is a leisurely pace for ANYone else... it's just crazy! But then to not even feel able to keep going for 1/2 as long as I was walking! UGH! Today was a little better, at least. I was able to walk for 34 minutes... but I was completely and utterly exhausted when we got home. Jess came with me and we let Ria walk... I'm sure he was completely unimpressed with my speed, but he kept saying he was just glad to get out of the house. He wasn't winded and definitely didn't break a sweat. I actually walked a bit faster with him along (even though I didn't mean to, I felt guilty when I asked him to slow down), so the sweat was literally dripping and pouring off of me! I sweat pretty easily, but NOT like THAT!

Oh, and just as an update... my back is still VERY tender and slightly painful (I think just as a reminder so I don't overexert). My belly hasn't had cramping (YEAY!!!), just BH when walking, and is only tender in the obliques (from the barf fest). My back is painful in the way it was when I thought I was in labor AND as a result of the throwing up (they are two totally different sensations!), but thankfully it's definitely a lot less. Hopefully it'll be completely gone by the end of the week. We'll see.

Not a lot going on here, really. Just blabbering about lots of nuthin'. ;) Thanks for caring and reading me here! I'll be back soon, I'm sure.

Back Pain and a Depressing Time

Thankfully, the only residual effects of the craziness of Sunday (yesterday) is a horrible back pain all day today. I woke up and was relieved to feel that I had NO pain, but after standing and walking enough to get something to eat... the back was REALLY hurting a lot. It continued through most of the day and during my walk. And it's not just some minor lower back stuff... it's throbbing pain along most of my spine. Added to that is the muscle pain along my obliques from the barf fest yesterday. I'm sure the throwing up has effected the back pain in more ways than I can recognize. Plus, there's the whole BREECH BABY that could add strange pressure to the spine (since s/he has only been in this position for 5 days or fewer). Somehow, after sitting for dinner and taking a shower, the pain is less.

It could be, though, that it has MUCH more to do with the Ensign article I read after FHE tonight. It was about a Grama who wanted to take the pain of a burn from the hand of a Grandchild. She learned, through The Holy Ghost, that even THAT kind of pain has been felt for US in the Atonement! I thought... well, why not back pain, then, too!? And it was soon after that that the extremity of the pain diminished. In this case, I rather think that a reminder sort of pain is necessary because otherwise I would just do TOO much and push too hard and make things much worse. Ya know?

I went on a walk tonight. The pace was ridiculously slow because of the constant ROCK HARD tummy I experience on most walks now-a-days (Braxton Hicks, of course). On top of that I forgot to pee right before I left, so I had to stop at the playground potty (only 9 minutes into my walk). On top of THAT I knew I really shouldn't walk for long because of all that I'd experienced yesterday and through the day today... so I walked a whole "HUGE" total of 25 minutes! :( I feel so lame and frustrated. But at least I don't have tummy pains tonight! ah well.

Jess has tomorrow and Wednesday off from The Club. Hopefully we'll be able to manage getting him to Orlando on Wed, but it may have to wait until next week. We'll see.

I can't believe my "little" sister is going to leave the U.S. in less than 3 weeks! I won't get to meet her new baby in person until the little cutie is already 1 or almost there (IF we can get to where they are next summer!). Such is life, I suppose.

ChaCha is going well... relatively. I haven't been able to do as MUCH as I would like, but what I'm doing is at a higher pay, so the $$ are adding up much more quickly. As a matter-of-fact, I'm going over to do that right after I finish up here. :)

Jessie's Accused and An Emotional Rollercoaster

I forgot to mention the thing that happened with Jess yesterday. He hitched a ride with a couple who live a few blocks away to go clean the church yesterday morning. On the way the three of them talked a bit. It came out, in process of conversation, that Jess wasn't a member of the church. They were both surprised and they discussed that a little bit. Jess even shared with them the "Closer" experiences he's had with a few missionaries. The funniest bit of all of it, for me, was Jessie's description of it. When he first started telling me he had the strangest smile on his face. The kind he usually has when he's going to tell me something I'll think is hilarious. So, before he was even telling me about the conversation I was smiling. But it wasn't a hilarious story, to me. It just makes sense. I mean, like the couple said, Jess just does all the things Members DO! I think, in a way, he might think it's kinda cool that people think he's a member, but that it also amuses him. As he explained it to the couple, he attends church and does all that "stuff" because he wants to be a part of the way he and I have agreed to raise our children. What's not to be thankful in that, right!? So... yesterday Jessie was "accused" of being a member. I chose that word to describe it because it seemed to fit the sort of humor he found in the "accusation." ^_^ I think it's wonderful, for the most part, that people think he is a member!

My Ride on the Rollercoaster
Last night I started having some FIERCE cramping and back pain. It all started on my walk and only the Braxton Hicks subsided after we got home and I was able to sit a bit. The light menstrual cramp-type feeling (that always proceeds active labor for me) became more intense... to the point that I had to quit ChaChaING for the night to lie down, drink lots of water, and hope they went away.

They didn't.

The cramping and pain subsided enough for me to get sleep for most of the night, but it wasn't completely restful and I was trying to drink a bunch to stay hydrated (cause the more water in the system the less cramping a system will experience), so I was, of course, up a lot to use the potty.

Last night Jess TOLD ME that I would be staying home from church in the morning. If you know me, then you know I'm not one to take "being told" very well. I had a plan all figured out for how I was going to get him to let me go to church in the morning because I was certain the cramps would be gone.

They weren't.

I didn't even mention my plan for going to church because my back hurt so bad (like back labor!) that I was anxious to lie down and take it easy and drink lots of water!

Jess left with the girls for church on time (8:30am) so that he could deliver my Primary folders. I tried to lie down and rest. I didn't get to rest at all, really, because I was up every 10 minutes or so to use the potty and it wasn't to get rid of water! I started to feel a little worried after the 4th or 5th trip in such a short period of time (about an hour). This is the sort of thing my body does when in labor! I was so scared. I actually started to think about calling my midwife. If you know me well, which few people know me THIS well, you will know that I do NOT call my midwife for much of anything! I might write her an email, but I RARELY call! Poor Karen has received, now, 2 calls within 2 weeks from me and BOTH on Sundays!!! :p How annoying!

Well, I started to feel jittery a short time later and decided that I did, indeed, need to call my midwife. We spoke briefly and she said she's be over to check me. I felt a bit of relief when we hung up and called Jess to let him know what I was doing. It was right around 9:30am (right in the middle of Sacrament Meeting!). I also asked him to be prepared, should I call again, to speak to Joey and Tim about coming to give me a blessing before he left. I didn't think I would actually call him again.

I was wrong.

At 9:51am I threw up a TON! I was actually violently ill when I was preggie with Kathryn, but as I recall I was not as far along in the pregnancy with her as I am with this one. Also, the illness I experienced way back then did not have all the same signs as the beginning of labor. When I was sick with Kat I was SICK! I had a fever, diarrhea, the works!

As you can probably imagine, I called Jess right away. I was super scared by that point and needed my rock and better half to be right here next to me. He came home REALLY fast. I know HE knows how really unusual it is for me to barf... unless I'm in labor and then it just sort of happens. He was totally solid for me. He kept telling me that he knew it was going to be all right. He doesn't always say that, so when he says it I believe it.

He did speak to Joey before he left church. Shortly after Jess got home, Joey and Tim arrived. They gave me a blessing for wellness and comfort. I did feel comforted and before they left my belly had stopped cramping so much. My back remained (and remains) achy, but I haven't thrown up again. I thought I was going to lose it (anything in my tummy) again right before they pulled up.

Karen arrived a little bit after Joey and Tim departed. She checked me and everything is GOOD... except that the baby is breech. *ah well* Can't win 'em all, right? ^_^ I'm actually not worried about the breech bit at all because this baby rolls and turns SO much more than either of my girls did. I've felt hiccups (usually) in the lower right of my belly, but also in the upper right and left! So, I know this isn't a stationary babe. And it's probably a bit flustered by all the crazy stuff going on around it... cause I KNOW baby felt some of those cramps!

So, whether I was getting ill with some sort of barf bug, or going into labor, the crisis was averted by two faithful Brethren and some Faith! I'm so grateful! Seriously... it was NO walk in the park to barf every hour when preggie (with Kathryn) and I seriously do NOT want to walk that road again! So today will be even more "lazily" than normal a day of REST for Tori! I'm so not wanting to push the whole "what if" button!!!

That's my drama for now. Hope your Sabbath day is more peaceful!