I had a nice talk with a friend. She was feeling a little sad, I think. I'm pretty sure she was feeling a bit overwhelmed by life and the difficulty of it.
I tried to convey to her that I think most women (and really, most humans) feel the way she was telling me she felt. And that everyone struggles and feels frustrated at times. She expressed frustration with the truth: but they don't say anything about it!
She is correct, for the most part. Most people want everyone to think they have it all together. They don't want anyone to see their weakness. This is a problem, I think. Because it creates a false front. A facade. Facades eventually fall. Why not just be who you are?
The main reason I'm writing now, though is to express something that I feel so strongly about. Here is it... joy is not necessarily about a constant state. Certainly, that could be possible. But I feel so strongly that joy is in the moment. I believe we can be under a dark cloud and experience a moment of joy as we realize how lovely the flashing lightning is.
To me, joy is in the moments. To stretch joy... I think joy is also part of enjoyment. For instance, when we have a conversation with someone and enjoy it... maybe that is a moment of joy! Maybe joy is not ONLY a point of arrival at which we feel really happy and continue to feel that way... but moments of peace, contentment and enjoyment with darkness entirely surrounding.
Happiness is a form of joy. Fun... not so much. Can one find happiness in fun. Yes, I think so. But fun, to my way of thinking, is often found in time wasting and mind burning/numbing activities. I just see happiness and joy as so much deeper and far reaching than fun.
"Men are that they might have joy." This is the purpose of our creation. So, I want to encourage you to see happiness and moments of enjoyment for what they really are: small bits of joy... like gold leaf, can pile up and make something truly beautiful out of whatever it may be... even if what it is, is poop.
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Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joy. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Thursday, June 12, 2008
What Husbands Don't Know
And how can they? They rarely, if ever have an opportunity to feel the constant weight of all that being a Mama entails. I know that working Mamas do NOT have THE life, but it's not all bon-bons and sugar snaps on the stay-at-home front, either! I'm thinking about the difficulties of my SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) life because of the confrontation with Jess of the other night. I try to express to him the weight of the responsibilities I carry as well as the actual time consumption aspect of them. But I honestly feel that my DH (dear husband) really just does not hear me most of the time I speak, much less get the full meaning of the details I share. I have felt that he may, perhaps, read this blog, though. So, perhaps some of what I'm able to convey through writing (sometimes I think it is my best mode of communication, anyway) will reach him as my words when spoken have and do not.
The jobs of a Mama (SAH, specifically):
--------------Spend time with the child(ren). This, I believe is THE most important job a Mama (any) has and can fulfill. However, as you will see (if you're a dude; I know the Mamas reading already know all this!) there isn't all that much time for a SAHM to fulfill this aspect of her calling if she is expected to maintain every other job she may be (usually is) expected to juggle solo if the juggling is supposed to be maintained to HIS satisfaction (even her own degree of perfection/satisfaction however far from his that may be)!
--------------Stay/get fit by exercising to the degree necessary to lose the baby weight, lose other fatness gained over time, and/or maintain Mama's own physical comfort level. This is REALLY difficult for lots of women... especially new Mamas. It's difficult to find activities that work the body enough to accomplish the results sought after and be okay with spending the time doing that work either away from the kiddo(s) OR ignoring him/her/them long enough to get the exercise in. This is emotionally taxing for any woman and even more so for women like me who feel UBER responsible for their children (meaning that turning them over to others' care feels hyper uncomfy - even Daddy in the first 6 months!!!).
--------------Stay sane and emotionally "full" by accomplishing something each day or week that enables the Mama to relax or feel individuated. (In the last conference (LDS) one of our leaders addressed this, OH SO IMPORTANT, issue!!!!) This is so very important because an empty Mama has nothing to give the kiddo(s) much less the Daddy! Yet, even if the Mama knows the necessity of this it is still difficult for any woman in a situation in which she would either have to have a babysitter when Daddy is at work (and they don't have money for that OR she feels like she really shouldn't turn the responsibility of her children over to someone else) OR they have to have Daddy watch the kiddo(s) when he IS home. This is not a problem for Jess, but I still feel sort of guilty SOME of the time asking/requiring more of him after he's worked two jobs all week. The only thing I do with any semblance of regularity when he's around to watch the girls is exercise, which is totally beneficial, but not exactly relaxing. So it doesn't really accomplish the staying "full" bit to the degree that completing an activity that I enjoy that is also really relaxing and mentally stimulating does/would. After going through this situation (Jess working two jobs) I would totally NOT allow myself to feel guilty asking him to take care of our kiddos while I get out of dodge for an hour or two if he had only one job!
-------------Keep the house up to par. While this IS important it is, to me, the least important of many other "balls" I keep in the air at any given moment. It is also one of the most time consuming and emotionally draining (stressful!) of most issues facing any Mama. This item encompasses so many separate items. While I will not cover every mundane item, I'm going to list some and my personal feelings about them/issues with them.
--------------------------Laundry: one of the NEVER-ending jobs. The moment it is caught up with, there is more to do! This job is particularly annoying to me BECAUSE it never ends... and only gets BIGGER as there are more children to clean up after. My problem here is not the children, but the fact that I'm the only one cleaning after them. Not only does a Mama have to remember to wash (not so difficult since the piles are sitting there in front of you), but we also have to remember to get them into the dryer in a timely fashion, (otherwise they start to smell like an old person - no offense to old people!) and then to make time to fold them AND put them away in some sort of order that makes sense to the other partner AS WELL as self since he will, hopefully, be helping to dress the child(ren) once in a while, if not regularly! And then there's the SUPER annoyance of the partner or child(ren) not giving a witches wart whether the items previously folded STAY in any semblance of order. This whole section was so totally NOT a problem when it was just Jess and me or even when Ria was the only child. But I can see this area of my life becoming super huge and what I already have to deal with is overwhelming enough - day in and day out!
--------------------------Dishes: the OTHER of the never-ending jobs that I, personally, despise. I know women who actually enjoy dishes. GOOD FOR YOU! I, however, am NOT one of them. I have, even, tried to change my mind into one like those who enjoy this task. I failed miserably! I think I could even go so far as to say that I hate to do dishes.
Jess and I had a deal early on that if he cooked, I would clean up... and vice versa. If I was lucky I may have seen the realization of that deal a whole handful OR two times! It's not happened consistently. (Of course not, you're thinking if you're a woman married longer than 18 months!) It is no longer reasonable for me to expect it to happen according to our deal anymore. I realize this. However, I also realize that when Jess IS home he sleeps a REALLY lot. And he cooks. And he STILL thinks I should clean up after him/us!!! After I have cooked ALL week (and yes, I usually DO cook for the lunches we share as a family!!!) AND cleaned up afterward. Seriously, people! Ooops, I meant: SERIOUSLY Jessie!
NOTE TO READER: these things I'm pointing out as gripes do NOT usually bother me. By this I mean that I'm not all down in the mouth and angry all the time because of all that I have in my head and weighing me down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (to some extent)... at least I'm not anymore. I just recognize them as parts of life to deal with and feel happiness in the things that are happy to me (and there ARE plenty, truly!). I am simply illustrating for other clueless members of the male "species" those things than trouble lots of women (I think I should know since I am one, after all... AND since I also happen to speak with lots of them!). I just want to make it clear that I actually love my life most of the time. While I do love my life, I still want to make these issues very clear to the member of the Mars Clan who is most important to me: Jessie.
BACK TO THE ISSUES
-----------------------------General ORDER: This is hugely annoying to Jessie because he just doesn't seem to be able to ignore the little things on the floor. I'm sure it's also annoying because he thinks, "All she has to do it get Ria to pick it up!" But, you see, there-in lies the problem! What child WANTS to pick up their toys regularly? Okay, so regularly in our home because of Daddy's schedule means twice a day... a little excessive for any kid. But if she wasn't such a snotty butt about it I would totally be okay with asking her to clean up her stuff an hour before Jess gets home at 2pm and then before bed. But I really dislike fussing at my daughter. I have anger issues I'm trying to overcome, remember?!! There are plenty enough stupid little things I have to mentally wrestle with myself over so that I don't blow a fuse every hour on the hour... I don't want to add fussing at Ria to pick up twice a day. But, I have. It's an issue to Jess, so I'm trying to get Ria to clean up her stuff so it won't be on the floor when he gets home (TWICE A DAY!).
----------------------------Sweeping/Mopping: To be totally honest, I don't even bother mopping with any regularity. Ria gets to earn some money sometimes by cleaning spots. We barter for the price of each spot, then we work with money after the jobs are done. It can be quite fun. I don't mind that so much. But when the whole house is troubled (as in dirt actually STUCK to the floor rather than just hanging out there) that job is so much more frustrating than simply mopping would be. You see, I have two small children who sleep like me. So what? you say. SO... that means I can't do much of anything that makes any sort of noise anywhere near them - especially since our house echoes a bit. And sweeping is only half as frustrating as mopping. The girls will, for the most part, stay out of the way in the room I'm working on. The previous sentence is where the problem with mopping lies... they think they can play in the room I've finished. But, of course, they really can't because the floor is WET. Ah the minute annoyances that combine to drive a Mama MAD!
----------------------------Maintaining extended family relations AND contact with local and long-distance friends. Admittedly the friends are a part of a Mamas way to stay sane, but for an LDS lady they are also very likely part of her responsibility, too (like VTing, which I LOVE, but is also a stressor, however positive, at times). While this area of responsibility is one of the most enjoyable of the many jobs a/this Mama has, it IS exhausting at times because there are periods of days, at least for me, when I just don't want to talk to ANYbody! (Like the last couple days, for instance!) But if one who communicates suddenly goes incommunicado, even if for only a few days, people start to worry that you've gone all weird like you did after 9-11. Just as a source of comfort... even during my worst and darkest months of PPD (post partum depression) I don't think I was as bad as I was at my worst after 9-11! This is a key bit of info for anyone who knows me. Let me break it down. YES, I DO get depressed. Sometimes, even, REALLY depressed. But if it doesn't get to the point I was at in during the PPD I suffered with after Ria, then I'm really REALLY quite okay (because it's no where near as bad as I've visited in my life!). No matter how long it takes, I DO (usually with the help of God and/or a loved one) pull myself up or kick my own butt out of it! I cannot foresee an event (barring Jessie cheating, beating any of us, or a child's death) that would put me over the edge I've already visited regularly! Since PPD I haven't been anywhere near that edge. After 9-11 I was, admittedly, bungee jumping off of it with a faulty bungee (thankfully it didn't fail completely while I was jumping!), but I'm quite okay! Aren't I? haha just a joke. I totally AM okay!!!
--------------------------------BLOG could actually be part of the last section or part of WORK FOR MONEY, but since the latter is not so much pertinent and the former doesn't really qualify (since most of my extended family does not read my blog) I'm making it a separate area. I think it's appropriate to include because it's pleasurable for me, but I also feel sort of like I NEED to do it, too. Jessie's family keeps up with us through it, after all, and he has shared the URL with more people from work than I have with my own friends!
--------------------------------BILLS are not necessarily a woman's job, but they are THIS woman's job. I'm not saying, at all, by any of the following that I do not want this job. I know the I'm more capable, so I do it and I try really hard not to complain often or loudly about it. However, I am going to enumerate the difficulties for my DH and any other man whose wife silently bends under the weight of THIS responsibility. #1 problem: it's ALWAYS there (unless you're super smart and have no debt whatsoever!). #2 problem: not wanting to mention it as much as it nags at the sides or stage of my brain because I don't want to stress my DH out as much as I feel stressed (at least, not most of the time). #3 problem: it's ALWAYS there! #4 problem: Did I mention it's ALWAYS there??? #5 problem: oh yeah, THERE it is AGAIN! Seriously, though... the worst of the #ed problems is the constant fear (or resurfacing of the reality) that there will not be enough money to cover the requests and requirements for said money!
-------------------------------HOMESCHOOLING--------------------------------------
Yes, this is NOT a job every SAHM undertakes, so perhaps it shouldn't be considered at part of the tasks inherent to the work. But since this is MY Blog, it IS! Also... I do believe a majority of parents who value their child(ren) and those child(ren)'s education over the things they could otherwise do or have FOR their children will one day choose to homeschool.
Now, I do NOT mean School at Home, here. I mean HOMESCHOOL! There is a HUGE and fundamental difference. One is MUCH easier than the other. Can you guess which is easier? If you said School at Home, then.... ding-ding-ding... you are RIGHT! And this is only ONE of the many issues a prospective homeschool parent, who is also a responsible parent, need inform themselves about. (Do you see the invested time studying, reading, and learning inherent in reading between the words of that last sentence???)
Homeschooling is FULL of issues that, to be responsible in the undertaking, a parent (at least one of them) has to read up on and make firm decisions about. I have only begun to scratch the surface on this area (researching issues and making decisions). In only 2 days I spent more than 8 hours in that research. Okay, so that's technically "only" part-time work. But combine it with all the other things I need to/should/want to do each day and there is WAY more to do daily than can BE done in the 16 hours I'm awake... which should really only be TWELVE since I'm preggie. Did ya know THAT? Pregnant women are SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED to sleep at least 12 hours a day. That's how TAXING pregnancy is!!! (Yes, I know, if you are a woman you are laughing your butt into shapely sexiness at the idea of regularly sleeping 12 hours each day - even IF preggie... but that's what the reading I've done suggests!)
Note to self: add pregnancy as another of the many exhausting (mentally, physically, emotionally, AND spiritually) things I do as a woman/Mama!!!!!
BACK to HOMESCHOOLING
So there are the issues to research= TIME and MUCHO TIEMBRE!!!
Then there's the actual preparation of WHAT to teach. (Did you see more hours of research and decision making inherent in that first/only sentence?? Yep, it's HOURS and not just HOURS once in a while, but, I'd say, at least once a week to figure out the week ahead If you're that organized)!!!
--------My personal first step into this realm of actually focusing on homeschooling (rather than just teaching reading as I have been doing) as someone who believes herself to be a responsible homeschooler, is to determine WHERE to go and WHAT to do with my homeschooling child. HOW does one do that?? Well, a really great starting point (I think) is to figure out what the state or commonwealth in which you reside expects of a child at any given grade level; perhaps first focusing on the grade the child would next enter as a result of their numerical age. This means both the minimum standards AS WELL AS what the parent has to do to jump through the hoops established by TPTB (the powers that be) for those who choose to go against the mainstream TO homeschool!
Now, you could probably get your local librarian to help you locate all the pertinent info (online or off), but that requires the time and opportunity to do such a thing during normal operating hours. Do you see the futility of such a proposition if you have a toddller or more roaming around??? You could get the URL(s) from a teacher you know (if you know one with whom you feel comfy speaking about the alternative education of your child) OR you'll have to do a little digging for the information on your own. (Did you hear another bit of minutes piled together to get that info!??)
Once you find said info you have to either export it, copy and print it, copy the info into a safe notebook, and/or print it out for regular access/planning purposes... Then you have to read and evaluate what is in front of you. Do you think TPTB make it easy for a layperson to understand the establishment's expectations of their educational system. Uhhh... NO!!!! Why the heck would they make it easy!!?? They don't WANT you taking their tax money away by keeping your child home! And if you think I'm just being paranoid, you have NOT informed yourself!!!!
Back to the subject: thankfully I do have a background in education, so most of the benchmark info is pretty easily decipherable, but it took me a few minutes to sort of alter my brain to function in teacher mode to GET what was written "plainly" in front of me! And I, given my teacher training, am still a little confused on some of the benchmarks for Math and Science (since my background was English THAT section, at least, made sense to me). I feel so sad for someone who doesn't have the background a trained teacher would (even if they never taught in public school)! There would be even MORE research/TIME! involved for translation purposes for such a person!!!!!
The next step is to determine how to present the material you've determined your child needs to learn/understand. More than likely, if you are homeschooling, you do NOT plan to stick to the basics required by your state, so there's more research into additional kinds of education and things developmentally appropriate for your child at their given stage. In this step is the decision about prepared curriculums vs. piecing it all together one's self... A whole cirriculum is attractive (possibly easier?!), but there-in lies a problem of money (for poor homeschoolers like muuuaaa). And if you do decide to use some existing material, you have to figure out if there are any inappropriate parts. Even Christian materials for a Christian (like myself) may contain questionable material (like the trinity, for instance, since that does NOT fit the cosmology/diety I know!).
Then there's presentation. Thankfully, for me! Ria (and most children, really) just loves to learn so MUCH that I could totally botch this section and she would still come away from the whole thing a much smarter chickie. But this step also requires some time. Often time spent on the preparation of presentation materials, thinking about how to share the info with the child, and then the actual DOING. Which brings me to:
Last, but CERTAINLY NOT least, there is the actual time spent on the education of the homeschooled child(ren). While this is, or at least, SHOULD be, enjoyable time spent with one's child, it is often fraught with annoyance and frustration - especially in the early days (after the first few really fun ones)! The child doesn't necessarily want to sit for extended periods of time (and I'm not even talking the kind of time they would have to sit in their desk at school - even for Kindergarten!) doing something other than what they actually CHOOSE/WANT to do at that moment. Ria LOVES school, but her fidgeting and fussing get really annoying really quickly. Okay, so you already know I've had anger issues... the previous sentence as an example of one of the many times during the day that I am extremely careful (since quitting the yelling about 4 weeks ago)!
The actual time spent on 1 subject (reading), for us, is usually only about 30-45 minutes. Sometimes even less, actually - like when I accidentally choose a WAY TOO EASY book for her to read! But since I've been feeling the need to really get INTO school we've been doing 3 and 4 subjects/learning lessons, which easily puts us up to 2 hours. Yes, this could (in theory) be split up through the day, but, in reality, the splitting doesn't work so well most days. I am most assuredly NOT complaining about this time. I'm simply illustrating the issues for the dude most important to me (and any curious by-standers that have made it this far).
---------------WORK to make MONEY--------------------------------------------
In case you're wondering, since I haven't mentioned it in quite a while, I have officially give up working my ETSY shop like a real business. I still intend to try to sell a bit around Christmas, but I'm not even hyped up about that any more. WHY?? Well, because Jessie made it SUPER clear that he was so totally not supportive of my efforts (because the house was the ball dropped when I added the WORK ball to the juggling). It's been really sad letting go of that dream of a way to get Jess home more, but it's also made my life easier. I honestly cannot imagine how others juggle it all WITH a creative job! And since Jess was totally unsupportive (he didn't DO anything to help, but he also was not okay with me letting the ball roll away from me either) I have completely dropped that ball. I even threw away the business cards associated with it. The store is still open, but I'm not advertising or trying to move prospective buyers my way.
However, when someone is involved in such a pursuit there are myriad time drains attached. I will list without explanation since it's not super pertinent to my life any longer. Creation of product, packaging of product, self-promotion (SO MUCH TIME!), market research, product research, comparison shopping to improve marketing, self-education on techniques to improve product, and so much more!
OUTSIDE CLASSES for CHILD(REN)
This is critical for the homeschooled child. Not only for the social interaction it provides and stimulates, but also for the change of environment inherent in GOING TO CLASS. While the activities are chosen by parent and/or child, there comes a time in every child's experience when they just want to quit. Ria arrived at that point very early in her dance year. Jess and I have decided how to deal with this situation and that's what we did. For every time a given child wants to quit something we will allow them to do so only after a give period of time. Ria was 3 when she wanted to quit and we never really had a conversation about this whole subject with her because by the following dance class she was excited and wanted to go and NEVER wanted to quit during the remainder of the school year. Currently she is asking when she will get to go back to dance class (we're off until September).
So, even though the parent gets to choose class times (for the most part) we have to live according to anothers' schedule for those classes. This past year Ria has attended Dance class, Story Time (not officially a class, but counts to her), and Joy School (which turned into Play At The Park). Because of shortage of fundage I could not enroll her in Karate (which I TOTALLY wanted to do!). And because we don't have a piano as yet (also no fundage) she has not started piano lessons (which would also be taxing if not imposible due to lack of money). I'm hoping to have enough money to start Ria (at least), but hopefully also Kat in swim classes. So as of August I WANT to have them both in swim class and the following month they will both start Dance! That's a significant amount of time AND money devoted to only two classes (for two children)!!!!
So, is there any wonder that a Mama feels overwhelmed on a regular basis? And, please, Jessie, (or random dude trying to learn a bit more about his Venus Bride) don't think this is a comprehensive explanation. These are only the things that are most present (CONSTANTLY) and pressing on THIS Mamas mind RIGHT NOW. There are more issues that are a bit more philosophical and troublesome more mentally and emotionally than these highlighted and verbosified upon. (Yes, verbosified is probably NOT a word, but I like to make things up... I'm a creative person, after all!) ^_^ I'm sure I've also forgotten one or two that troubles me regularly, but I forget things REALLY regularly. Can you imagine WHY!!?? After this tutorial, I would have to say you are COMPLETELY and UTTERLY HOPELESS if you answered the last question to the negative!
The jobs of a Mama (SAH, specifically):
--------------Spend time with the child(ren). This, I believe is THE most important job a Mama (any) has and can fulfill. However, as you will see (if you're a dude; I know the Mamas reading already know all this!) there isn't all that much time for a SAHM to fulfill this aspect of her calling if she is expected to maintain every other job she may be (usually is) expected to juggle solo if the juggling is supposed to be maintained to HIS satisfaction (even her own degree of perfection/satisfaction however far from his that may be)!
--------------Stay/get fit by exercising to the degree necessary to lose the baby weight, lose other fatness gained over time, and/or maintain Mama's own physical comfort level. This is REALLY difficult for lots of women... especially new Mamas. It's difficult to find activities that work the body enough to accomplish the results sought after and be okay with spending the time doing that work either away from the kiddo(s) OR ignoring him/her/them long enough to get the exercise in. This is emotionally taxing for any woman and even more so for women like me who feel UBER responsible for their children (meaning that turning them over to others' care feels hyper uncomfy - even Daddy in the first 6 months!!!).
--------------Stay sane and emotionally "full" by accomplishing something each day or week that enables the Mama to relax or feel individuated. (In the last conference (LDS) one of our leaders addressed this, OH SO IMPORTANT, issue!!!!) This is so very important because an empty Mama has nothing to give the kiddo(s) much less the Daddy! Yet, even if the Mama knows the necessity of this it is still difficult for any woman in a situation in which she would either have to have a babysitter when Daddy is at work (and they don't have money for that OR she feels like she really shouldn't turn the responsibility of her children over to someone else) OR they have to have Daddy watch the kiddo(s) when he IS home. This is not a problem for Jess, but I still feel sort of guilty SOME of the time asking/requiring more of him after he's worked two jobs all week. The only thing I do with any semblance of regularity when he's around to watch the girls is exercise, which is totally beneficial, but not exactly relaxing. So it doesn't really accomplish the staying "full" bit to the degree that completing an activity that I enjoy that is also really relaxing and mentally stimulating does/would. After going through this situation (Jess working two jobs) I would totally NOT allow myself to feel guilty asking him to take care of our kiddos while I get out of dodge for an hour or two if he had only one job!
-------------Keep the house up to par. While this IS important it is, to me, the least important of many other "balls" I keep in the air at any given moment. It is also one of the most time consuming and emotionally draining (stressful!) of most issues facing any Mama. This item encompasses so many separate items. While I will not cover every mundane item, I'm going to list some and my personal feelings about them/issues with them.
--------------------------Laundry: one of the NEVER-ending jobs. The moment it is caught up with, there is more to do! This job is particularly annoying to me BECAUSE it never ends... and only gets BIGGER as there are more children to clean up after. My problem here is not the children, but the fact that I'm the only one cleaning after them. Not only does a Mama have to remember to wash (not so difficult since the piles are sitting there in front of you), but we also have to remember to get them into the dryer in a timely fashion, (otherwise they start to smell like an old person - no offense to old people!) and then to make time to fold them AND put them away in some sort of order that makes sense to the other partner AS WELL as self since he will, hopefully, be helping to dress the child(ren) once in a while, if not regularly! And then there's the SUPER annoyance of the partner or child(ren) not giving a witches wart whether the items previously folded STAY in any semblance of order. This whole section was so totally NOT a problem when it was just Jess and me or even when Ria was the only child. But I can see this area of my life becoming super huge and what I already have to deal with is overwhelming enough - day in and day out!
--------------------------Dishes: the OTHER of the never-ending jobs that I, personally, despise. I know women who actually enjoy dishes. GOOD FOR YOU! I, however, am NOT one of them. I have, even, tried to change my mind into one like those who enjoy this task. I failed miserably! I think I could even go so far as to say that I hate to do dishes.
Jess and I had a deal early on that if he cooked, I would clean up... and vice versa. If I was lucky I may have seen the realization of that deal a whole handful OR two times! It's not happened consistently. (Of course not, you're thinking if you're a woman married longer than 18 months!) It is no longer reasonable for me to expect it to happen according to our deal anymore. I realize this. However, I also realize that when Jess IS home he sleeps a REALLY lot. And he cooks. And he STILL thinks I should clean up after him/us!!! After I have cooked ALL week (and yes, I usually DO cook for the lunches we share as a family!!!) AND cleaned up afterward. Seriously, people! Ooops, I meant: SERIOUSLY Jessie!
NOTE TO READER: these things I'm pointing out as gripes do NOT usually bother me. By this I mean that I'm not all down in the mouth and angry all the time because of all that I have in my head and weighing me down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (to some extent)... at least I'm not anymore. I just recognize them as parts of life to deal with and feel happiness in the things that are happy to me (and there ARE plenty, truly!). I am simply illustrating for other clueless members of the male "species" those things than trouble lots of women (I think I should know since I am one, after all... AND since I also happen to speak with lots of them!). I just want to make it clear that I actually love my life most of the time. While I do love my life, I still want to make these issues very clear to the member of the Mars Clan who is most important to me: Jessie.
BACK TO THE ISSUES
-----------------------------General ORDER: This is hugely annoying to Jessie because he just doesn't seem to be able to ignore the little things on the floor. I'm sure it's also annoying because he thinks, "All she has to do it get Ria to pick it up!" But, you see, there-in lies the problem! What child WANTS to pick up their toys regularly? Okay, so regularly in our home because of Daddy's schedule means twice a day... a little excessive for any kid. But if she wasn't such a snotty butt about it I would totally be okay with asking her to clean up her stuff an hour before Jess gets home at 2pm and then before bed. But I really dislike fussing at my daughter. I have anger issues I'm trying to overcome, remember?!! There are plenty enough stupid little things I have to mentally wrestle with myself over so that I don't blow a fuse every hour on the hour... I don't want to add fussing at Ria to pick up twice a day. But, I have. It's an issue to Jess, so I'm trying to get Ria to clean up her stuff so it won't be on the floor when he gets home (TWICE A DAY!).
----------------------------Sweeping/Mopping: To be totally honest, I don't even bother mopping with any regularity. Ria gets to earn some money sometimes by cleaning spots. We barter for the price of each spot, then we work with money after the jobs are done. It can be quite fun. I don't mind that so much. But when the whole house is troubled (as in dirt actually STUCK to the floor rather than just hanging out there) that job is so much more frustrating than simply mopping would be. You see, I have two small children who sleep like me. So what? you say. SO... that means I can't do much of anything that makes any sort of noise anywhere near them - especially since our house echoes a bit. And sweeping is only half as frustrating as mopping. The girls will, for the most part, stay out of the way in the room I'm working on. The previous sentence is where the problem with mopping lies... they think they can play in the room I've finished. But, of course, they really can't because the floor is WET. Ah the minute annoyances that combine to drive a Mama MAD!
----------------------------Maintaining extended family relations AND contact with local and long-distance friends. Admittedly the friends are a part of a Mamas way to stay sane, but for an LDS lady they are also very likely part of her responsibility, too (like VTing, which I LOVE, but is also a stressor, however positive, at times). While this area of responsibility is one of the most enjoyable of the many jobs a/this Mama has, it IS exhausting at times because there are periods of days, at least for me, when I just don't want to talk to ANYbody! (Like the last couple days, for instance!) But if one who communicates suddenly goes incommunicado, even if for only a few days, people start to worry that you've gone all weird like you did after 9-11. Just as a source of comfort... even during my worst and darkest months of PPD (post partum depression) I don't think I was as bad as I was at my worst after 9-11! This is a key bit of info for anyone who knows me. Let me break it down. YES, I DO get depressed. Sometimes, even, REALLY depressed. But if it doesn't get to the point I was at in during the PPD I suffered with after Ria, then I'm really REALLY quite okay (because it's no where near as bad as I've visited in my life!). No matter how long it takes, I DO (usually with the help of God and/or a loved one) pull myself up or kick my own butt out of it! I cannot foresee an event (barring Jessie cheating, beating any of us, or a child's death) that would put me over the edge I've already visited regularly! Since PPD I haven't been anywhere near that edge. After 9-11 I was, admittedly, bungee jumping off of it with a faulty bungee (thankfully it didn't fail completely while I was jumping!), but I'm quite okay! Aren't I? haha just a joke. I totally AM okay!!!
--------------------------------BLOG could actually be part of the last section or part of WORK FOR MONEY, but since the latter is not so much pertinent and the former doesn't really qualify (since most of my extended family does not read my blog) I'm making it a separate area. I think it's appropriate to include because it's pleasurable for me, but I also feel sort of like I NEED to do it, too. Jessie's family keeps up with us through it, after all, and he has shared the URL with more people from work than I have with my own friends!
--------------------------------BILLS are not necessarily a woman's job, but they are THIS woman's job. I'm not saying, at all, by any of the following that I do not want this job. I know the I'm more capable, so I do it and I try really hard not to complain often or loudly about it. However, I am going to enumerate the difficulties for my DH and any other man whose wife silently bends under the weight of THIS responsibility. #1 problem: it's ALWAYS there (unless you're super smart and have no debt whatsoever!). #2 problem: not wanting to mention it as much as it nags at the sides or stage of my brain because I don't want to stress my DH out as much as I feel stressed (at least, not most of the time). #3 problem: it's ALWAYS there! #4 problem: Did I mention it's ALWAYS there??? #5 problem: oh yeah, THERE it is AGAIN! Seriously, though... the worst of the #ed problems is the constant fear (or resurfacing of the reality) that there will not be enough money to cover the requests and requirements for said money!
-------------------------------HOMESCHOOLING--------------------------------------
Yes, this is NOT a job every SAHM undertakes, so perhaps it shouldn't be considered at part of the tasks inherent to the work. But since this is MY Blog, it IS! Also... I do believe a majority of parents who value their child(ren) and those child(ren)'s education over the things they could otherwise do or have FOR their children will one day choose to homeschool.
Now, I do NOT mean School at Home, here. I mean HOMESCHOOL! There is a HUGE and fundamental difference. One is MUCH easier than the other. Can you guess which is easier? If you said School at Home, then.... ding-ding-ding... you are RIGHT! And this is only ONE of the many issues a prospective homeschool parent, who is also a responsible parent, need inform themselves about. (Do you see the invested time studying, reading, and learning inherent in reading between the words of that last sentence???)
Homeschooling is FULL of issues that, to be responsible in the undertaking, a parent (at least one of them) has to read up on and make firm decisions about. I have only begun to scratch the surface on this area (researching issues and making decisions). In only 2 days I spent more than 8 hours in that research. Okay, so that's technically "only" part-time work. But combine it with all the other things I need to/should/want to do each day and there is WAY more to do daily than can BE done in the 16 hours I'm awake... which should really only be TWELVE since I'm preggie. Did ya know THAT? Pregnant women are SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED to sleep at least 12 hours a day. That's how TAXING pregnancy is!!! (Yes, I know, if you are a woman you are laughing your butt into shapely sexiness at the idea of regularly sleeping 12 hours each day - even IF preggie... but that's what the reading I've done suggests!)
Note to self: add pregnancy as another of the many exhausting (mentally, physically, emotionally, AND spiritually) things I do as a woman/Mama!!!!!
BACK to HOMESCHOOLING
So there are the issues to research= TIME and MUCHO TIEMBRE!!!
Then there's the actual preparation of WHAT to teach. (Did you see more hours of research and decision making inherent in that first/only sentence?? Yep, it's HOURS and not just HOURS once in a while, but, I'd say, at least once a week to figure out the week ahead If you're that organized)!!!
--------My personal first step into this realm of actually focusing on homeschooling (rather than just teaching reading as I have been doing) as someone who believes herself to be a responsible homeschooler, is to determine WHERE to go and WHAT to do with my homeschooling child. HOW does one do that?? Well, a really great starting point (I think) is to figure out what the state or commonwealth in which you reside expects of a child at any given grade level; perhaps first focusing on the grade the child would next enter as a result of their numerical age. This means both the minimum standards AS WELL AS what the parent has to do to jump through the hoops established by TPTB (the powers that be) for those who choose to go against the mainstream TO homeschool!
Now, you could probably get your local librarian to help you locate all the pertinent info (online or off), but that requires the time and opportunity to do such a thing during normal operating hours. Do you see the futility of such a proposition if you have a toddller or more roaming around??? You could get the URL(s) from a teacher you know (if you know one with whom you feel comfy speaking about the alternative education of your child) OR you'll have to do a little digging for the information on your own. (Did you hear another bit of minutes piled together to get that info!??)
Once you find said info you have to either export it, copy and print it, copy the info into a safe notebook, and/or print it out for regular access/planning purposes... Then you have to read and evaluate what is in front of you. Do you think TPTB make it easy for a layperson to understand the establishment's expectations of their educational system. Uhhh... NO!!!! Why the heck would they make it easy!!?? They don't WANT you taking their tax money away by keeping your child home! And if you think I'm just being paranoid, you have NOT informed yourself!!!!
Back to the subject: thankfully I do have a background in education, so most of the benchmark info is pretty easily decipherable, but it took me a few minutes to sort of alter my brain to function in teacher mode to GET what was written "plainly" in front of me! And I, given my teacher training, am still a little confused on some of the benchmarks for Math and Science (since my background was English THAT section, at least, made sense to me). I feel so sad for someone who doesn't have the background a trained teacher would (even if they never taught in public school)! There would be even MORE research/TIME! involved for translation purposes for such a person!!!!!
The next step is to determine how to present the material you've determined your child needs to learn/understand. More than likely, if you are homeschooling, you do NOT plan to stick to the basics required by your state, so there's more research into additional kinds of education and things developmentally appropriate for your child at their given stage. In this step is the decision about prepared curriculums vs. piecing it all together one's self... A whole cirriculum is attractive (possibly easier?!), but there-in lies a problem of money (for poor homeschoolers like muuuaaa). And if you do decide to use some existing material, you have to figure out if there are any inappropriate parts. Even Christian materials for a Christian (like myself) may contain questionable material (like the trinity, for instance, since that does NOT fit the cosmology/diety I know!).
Then there's presentation. Thankfully, for me! Ria (and most children, really) just loves to learn so MUCH that I could totally botch this section and she would still come away from the whole thing a much smarter chickie. But this step also requires some time. Often time spent on the preparation of presentation materials, thinking about how to share the info with the child, and then the actual DOING. Which brings me to:
Last, but CERTAINLY NOT least, there is the actual time spent on the education of the homeschooled child(ren). While this is, or at least, SHOULD be, enjoyable time spent with one's child, it is often fraught with annoyance and frustration - especially in the early days (after the first few really fun ones)! The child doesn't necessarily want to sit for extended periods of time (and I'm not even talking the kind of time they would have to sit in their desk at school - even for Kindergarten!) doing something other than what they actually CHOOSE/WANT to do at that moment. Ria LOVES school, but her fidgeting and fussing get really annoying really quickly. Okay, so you already know I've had anger issues... the previous sentence as an example of one of the many times during the day that I am extremely careful (since quitting the yelling about 4 weeks ago)!
The actual time spent on 1 subject (reading), for us, is usually only about 30-45 minutes. Sometimes even less, actually - like when I accidentally choose a WAY TOO EASY book for her to read! But since I've been feeling the need to really get INTO school we've been doing 3 and 4 subjects/learning lessons, which easily puts us up to 2 hours. Yes, this could (in theory) be split up through the day, but, in reality, the splitting doesn't work so well most days. I am most assuredly NOT complaining about this time. I'm simply illustrating the issues for the dude most important to me (and any curious by-standers that have made it this far).
---------------WORK to make MONEY--------------------------------------------
In case you're wondering, since I haven't mentioned it in quite a while, I have officially give up working my ETSY shop like a real business. I still intend to try to sell a bit around Christmas, but I'm not even hyped up about that any more. WHY?? Well, because Jessie made it SUPER clear that he was so totally not supportive of my efforts (because the house was the ball dropped when I added the WORK ball to the juggling). It's been really sad letting go of that dream of a way to get Jess home more, but it's also made my life easier. I honestly cannot imagine how others juggle it all WITH a creative job! And since Jess was totally unsupportive (he didn't DO anything to help, but he also was not okay with me letting the ball roll away from me either) I have completely dropped that ball. I even threw away the business cards associated with it. The store is still open, but I'm not advertising or trying to move prospective buyers my way.
However, when someone is involved in such a pursuit there are myriad time drains attached. I will list without explanation since it's not super pertinent to my life any longer. Creation of product, packaging of product, self-promotion (SO MUCH TIME!), market research, product research, comparison shopping to improve marketing, self-education on techniques to improve product, and so much more!
OUTSIDE CLASSES for CHILD(REN)
This is critical for the homeschooled child. Not only for the social interaction it provides and stimulates, but also for the change of environment inherent in GOING TO CLASS. While the activities are chosen by parent and/or child, there comes a time in every child's experience when they just want to quit. Ria arrived at that point very early in her dance year. Jess and I have decided how to deal with this situation and that's what we did. For every time a given child wants to quit something we will allow them to do so only after a give period of time. Ria was 3 when she wanted to quit and we never really had a conversation about this whole subject with her because by the following dance class she was excited and wanted to go and NEVER wanted to quit during the remainder of the school year. Currently she is asking when she will get to go back to dance class (we're off until September).
So, even though the parent gets to choose class times (for the most part) we have to live according to anothers' schedule for those classes. This past year Ria has attended Dance class, Story Time (not officially a class, but counts to her), and Joy School (which turned into Play At The Park). Because of shortage of fundage I could not enroll her in Karate (which I TOTALLY wanted to do!). And because we don't have a piano as yet (also no fundage) she has not started piano lessons (which would also be taxing if not imposible due to lack of money). I'm hoping to have enough money to start Ria (at least), but hopefully also Kat in swim classes. So as of August I WANT to have them both in swim class and the following month they will both start Dance! That's a significant amount of time AND money devoted to only two classes (for two children)!!!!
So, is there any wonder that a Mama feels overwhelmed on a regular basis? And, please, Jessie, (or random dude trying to learn a bit more about his Venus Bride) don't think this is a comprehensive explanation. These are only the things that are most present (CONSTANTLY) and pressing on THIS Mamas mind RIGHT NOW. There are more issues that are a bit more philosophical and troublesome more mentally and emotionally than these highlighted and verbosified upon. (Yes, verbosified is probably NOT a word, but I like to make things up... I'm a creative person, after all!) ^_^ I'm sure I've also forgotten one or two that troubles me regularly, but I forget things REALLY regularly. Can you imagine WHY!!?? After this tutorial, I would have to say you are COMPLETELY and UTTERLY HOPELESS if you answered the last question to the negative!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A Day to Run Away
As wonderful as today was for at least one person in my extended family, it was truly horrible this evening for me. While the details are important to understanding my predicament, I feel they are inappropriate to share with the world at large. So, suffice it to say I have felt a bit of hell on Earth.
Even in hell, though, there are shining bits of joy and beauty. I will call mine: Ria and Kitty Kat. Pretty appropriate, I think! :) While they are also, at times, the most troublesome of trials, they've brought me some sweet moments in the midst of my anger and frustration of this night.
Kat, especially, seems well equipped to cheer me. Ria wants to hug and hold me, which I understand because that's what she needs when in a similar state. However, when angry such that I cry, I don't want touches. I don't really WANT anything, per se. Kathryn came over to me and put her head on my lap (much more tolerable than being climbed upon) and then looked up after a moment and gave me the goofiest, sweetest BIG smile. And I felt a burst of joy in the midst of frustration. I'm so very grateful to be a Mama! Even with the annoyance and frustrations I have felt as a Mama, moments such as that smile by Kat are priceless!!
Even in hell, though, there are shining bits of joy and beauty. I will call mine: Ria and Kitty Kat. Pretty appropriate, I think! :) While they are also, at times, the most troublesome of trials, they've brought me some sweet moments in the midst of my anger and frustration of this night.
Kat, especially, seems well equipped to cheer me. Ria wants to hug and hold me, which I understand because that's what she needs when in a similar state. However, when angry such that I cry, I don't want touches. I don't really WANT anything, per se. Kathryn came over to me and put her head on my lap (much more tolerable than being climbed upon) and then looked up after a moment and gave me the goofiest, sweetest BIG smile. And I felt a burst of joy in the midst of frustration. I'm so very grateful to be a Mama! Even with the annoyance and frustrations I have felt as a Mama, moments such as that smile by Kat are priceless!!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The Dance Recital!
Saturday, May 31st, 2008 at 7pm Ria's first dance recital was scheduled to begin. However, we arrived by 6:15pm to finalize preparations for the recital. For instance, her constume was a little bit too poofy to wear in her car seat and we couldn't put her lipstick on at home because Kat would chase her trying to get at those colored lips! So, she got dressed and I applied her BRIGHT red lipliner and lipstick. Then I had to bring her to the room in which she would wait until her performance time. Each group was assigned a helper or helpers. Ria's helper was Lori and her young son, Sam.
A friend of mine (who I met only BECAUSE I wore Kathryn in a sling), Delynne, has one of the only two young boys in the dance program at our Dance school. Both boys were assigned to the room Ria was in because it made dealing with their gender easier (except that every time a girl had to change, the boys had to go out of the room). I don't look forward to such issues with our sons... but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, I wasn't able to drop Ria off as I thought I would because my friend was anxious about how her son would cope with being among children he didn't know. He DID know Ria, so she asked if her son could hang out with Ria. Of course I was totally okay with that, but I knew I should make sure things would be cool with the helpers because they are all very concientious and I didn't want them to worry about the situation. So, that took some time.
Finally, it looked like I could leave. Ria was completely and totally okay with me leaving her. Why wouldn't she be?! She knows I always come back. :)
So, I go out to find my Dad and Jess waiting in the hall... impatiently? Oops.
We make our way to the front of the auditorium and wait to enter. The first thing I did upon entering was head to what looked like the DVD order forms. I was SO glad they were there because I thought, based on what we were told, that we had to order them the day before. So, I purchased 2. We are keeping one because I want Ria to be able to see herself on stage, but more importantly, I want her to see and get excited about what the future holds for her in dance! I expect that this DVD will be much loved! If you remember how she determined she would be a ballerina, you'd probably agree with me. My Dad is taking the other one back to VA for those interested to view. ^_^
After ordering the movie, I picked up the rose I'd purchased for Ria. The only reason I was able to get it is because I'd budgeted $15 for tights and they'd ended up at just under $10 via the internet (including shipping!). So, I had an "extra" $5 and decided I really wanted to do the rose for Ria. I was hoping it would be special to her.
Then I went into the seating area and found Jess with Kat and my Dad. Kat was not happy to sit while the lights were on and nothing was happening, so Jess and I made a plan for him to take care of her initially and then I would take her during Ria's performance so he could sit and watch it. So, he got up and took Kat to the back.
The performances started a little late. Ria's group was the 9th to go. There were some really great groups and I was lucky in that I got to see how the first 8 groups did just the night before compared to their final performance. Kat actually REALLY enjoyed the actual dances. She was quite attentive and quiet for them and ESPECIALLY when the big girls were dancing (not on pointe). It was really wonderful! Ria's turn approached and I started to feel all jumpy in my chest and as if I was bubbling with excitement and some nervousness. I'm sure I felt MUCH more of all that than Ria. She was THE consumate performer!
Our group received THE most exclamations of "Ohh" and "Ahhh" of any of the young ones. I had intended to watch Ria and also note the performance of the other girls in her class, but once her song started, "Baby Ballerinas," I couldn't look away from my girl! And the thing that caught me by surprise... perhaps even shocked me... was the overwhelming feelings of pleasure and joy in her efforts... AND the tears that poured down my cheeks! I was so pleased and impressed with how comfortable she was up there and with how HARD she was trying to do everything just right. She REALLY did her VERY best! And the contrast from the previous afternoon was dramatic. Last night, at her recital she kept checking for guidance from her teacher (who was hidden in the wings) when she wasn't able to quite remember what to do next. She pointed her toes just right (turned OUT) and I think she even smiled a little bit! There was only 1 pause in her performance when she couldn't remember what to do and couldn't see her teacher (and hadn't moved back to be able to watch her). But the rest of the time she was RIGHT ON! She even acted as a leader, at one point, in trying to get the girls on her end (since she was THE farthest to the left of the stage she could have been) to do what they were supposed to do. I just loved EVERY bit of it!!! One of the sweetest parts was the very end. All of the girls were supposed to raise their arms and tippy-toe off stage (toward Ria's side) at the end. Ria and two other little girls just stood motionless as the applause began and as their peers tippy-toed off the stage. I don't know if the other two girls were frozen in fear... but that's NOT why Ria remained motionless.
As she stood there, transfixed by the cheers, Ria had THE biggest most beautific smile on her face. She was just SURE that every one of those claps and cheers was just for her. And she was soaking it up and basking in the adoration. That's why MY Ria was motionless as we clapped!
We had to pick up our children during Intermission. I was happy to be able/allowed to go get her. It's not completely comfortable for me to be always with my children, but it's even more UNcomfortable for me to be away from them, especially when I don't know their caretakers very well.
I brought Ria the rose I'd picked: purple. She is very clear on her very favorite colors: pink and purple. (Orange used to be one of them, but she's recently lost interest in it. Don't know why.)
When I arrived in her room she popped up immediately when she saw me and her eyes were immediately glued to the rose. She didn't really greet me, she just wanted to know if that flower was for HER!?? So, I bent down and spoke to her for a moment about my pleasure in her and her efforts during the recital and then presented the rose to her. She was happy with the praise, but I'm certain, based on her pleasure with it, that the rose meant a LOT more to her! I think she may be a physical affection and gifts Love Language kid.
She just kept admiring her purple rose. She looked at it, smelled it, and said funny adorable things like, "Oh, is this beautiful flower for ME?" and "Oh Mama, this is THE sweetest flower! Thank you so much for getting it for me!!!" and "I'm so happy to have this purple rose. It's perfect." These are not things she said once, she said them over and over with slight variations for at LEAST 15 minutes after she received it!!!
I realized that one of Ria's classmates, a little girl named Roxanna, was becoming upset in a very tearful way. Ria was ready to leave, but I asked her to wait so I could help her friend. So, I picked Rozanna up and held her and promised her that her Mama was coming. She was just sure that her Mama had forgotten her. She was scared and crying. Her Mom came and even had a BOUQUET of flowers for her. (I was actually really worried that Ria would notice that other little girls received multiple flowers and be sad that she got just one, but she didn't care a BIT what other girls got! She was just tickled "purple" about her purple rose!) Roxanna was mostly calm by the time her Mom arrived, but with the flowers her Mom gaver her completed her 180.
I think Roxanna was very touched by the way I treated her because she stayed near us until we actually had to leave to go to our van. It's important to mention that Roxanna speaks quite understandable English when she's not upset, but her Mama isn't confident in spoken English and only understands when one speaks slowly for her and tries different approaches/words to communicate. So, I can only imagine that Roxanna might have thought that her Mama didn't understand what was supposed to happen!
Ria was just a gem in accepting her verbal accolades from her Daddy and Papa! She was so pleased and happy and talked to them quite a bit about her flower. And when we put her to bed LATE that night she smiled beautifically once again for Mama and Daddy, in turn, when we complimented her accomplishment in our own way. Daddy: "You are a REAL ballerina now! You did such a good job tonight and I'm SO proud of you!" Mama: "You are my very own ballerina. I'm so pleased! Thank you so much for doing your very best!!"
After this experience I had a little quiet time to ponder my thoughts and feelings of the night as I drove home from Wal-Mart. The Holy Ghost whispered some ideas to me and a wonderful bright understanding came into my heart... like a personal testimony about something I've known to be true, but not FELT for myself. It is this: The joy and pleasure I felt in my daughter, knowing that she was really trying her very best - even if it was NOT perfect, is only a fraction of the pleasure, satisfaction, and rejoicing that Father and His Heavenly Hosts feel in US when He and They can discern that we are truly doing our very best - however imperfect it may be in reality!!!!
This is not a tremendous epiphany in the truest sense: that some knowledge coalesced from little/nothing because I'd totally KNOWN this fact for a long while. And, although I was not able to listen to it myself, I did hear, second-hand, about one of the main subjects Thomas S. Monson delivered around the time of President Hinkley's death (perhaps AT his service?): "Just do your best. That's all Father expects of ANY of us!" I've known it in my head. But what a blessing and JOY it is to my heart and soul to have this new experience of KNOWING and FEELING it in my heart and soul as a result of feeling it (to a mortal's ability to do so) for my own daughter!!!
Man, Motherhood is SUCH a gift!!! I know I would not be anywhere near as good a person as I am becoming if I didn't have the opportunity/challenges of Motherhood in my life!!!! I'm so very grateful for all of it! Children really are THE greatest gift Father could lend us!!!!! ^_^
A friend of mine (who I met only BECAUSE I wore Kathryn in a sling), Delynne, has one of the only two young boys in the dance program at our Dance school. Both boys were assigned to the room Ria was in because it made dealing with their gender easier (except that every time a girl had to change, the boys had to go out of the room). I don't look forward to such issues with our sons... but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anyway, I wasn't able to drop Ria off as I thought I would because my friend was anxious about how her son would cope with being among children he didn't know. He DID know Ria, so she asked if her son could hang out with Ria. Of course I was totally okay with that, but I knew I should make sure things would be cool with the helpers because they are all very concientious and I didn't want them to worry about the situation. So, that took some time.
Finally, it looked like I could leave. Ria was completely and totally okay with me leaving her. Why wouldn't she be?! She knows I always come back. :)
So, I go out to find my Dad and Jess waiting in the hall... impatiently? Oops.
We make our way to the front of the auditorium and wait to enter. The first thing I did upon entering was head to what looked like the DVD order forms. I was SO glad they were there because I thought, based on what we were told, that we had to order them the day before. So, I purchased 2. We are keeping one because I want Ria to be able to see herself on stage, but more importantly, I want her to see and get excited about what the future holds for her in dance! I expect that this DVD will be much loved! If you remember how she determined she would be a ballerina, you'd probably agree with me. My Dad is taking the other one back to VA for those interested to view. ^_^
After ordering the movie, I picked up the rose I'd purchased for Ria. The only reason I was able to get it is because I'd budgeted $15 for tights and they'd ended up at just under $10 via the internet (including shipping!). So, I had an "extra" $5 and decided I really wanted to do the rose for Ria. I was hoping it would be special to her.
Then I went into the seating area and found Jess with Kat and my Dad. Kat was not happy to sit while the lights were on and nothing was happening, so Jess and I made a plan for him to take care of her initially and then I would take her during Ria's performance so he could sit and watch it. So, he got up and took Kat to the back.
The performances started a little late. Ria's group was the 9th to go. There were some really great groups and I was lucky in that I got to see how the first 8 groups did just the night before compared to their final performance. Kat actually REALLY enjoyed the actual dances. She was quite attentive and quiet for them and ESPECIALLY when the big girls were dancing (not on pointe). It was really wonderful! Ria's turn approached and I started to feel all jumpy in my chest and as if I was bubbling with excitement and some nervousness. I'm sure I felt MUCH more of all that than Ria. She was THE consumate performer!
Our group received THE most exclamations of "Ohh" and "Ahhh" of any of the young ones. I had intended to watch Ria and also note the performance of the other girls in her class, but once her song started, "Baby Ballerinas," I couldn't look away from my girl! And the thing that caught me by surprise... perhaps even shocked me... was the overwhelming feelings of pleasure and joy in her efforts... AND the tears that poured down my cheeks! I was so pleased and impressed with how comfortable she was up there and with how HARD she was trying to do everything just right. She REALLY did her VERY best! And the contrast from the previous afternoon was dramatic. Last night, at her recital she kept checking for guidance from her teacher (who was hidden in the wings) when she wasn't able to quite remember what to do next. She pointed her toes just right (turned OUT) and I think she even smiled a little bit! There was only 1 pause in her performance when she couldn't remember what to do and couldn't see her teacher (and hadn't moved back to be able to watch her). But the rest of the time she was RIGHT ON! She even acted as a leader, at one point, in trying to get the girls on her end (since she was THE farthest to the left of the stage she could have been) to do what they were supposed to do. I just loved EVERY bit of it!!! One of the sweetest parts was the very end. All of the girls were supposed to raise their arms and tippy-toe off stage (toward Ria's side) at the end. Ria and two other little girls just stood motionless as the applause began and as their peers tippy-toed off the stage. I don't know if the other two girls were frozen in fear... but that's NOT why Ria remained motionless.
As she stood there, transfixed by the cheers, Ria had THE biggest most beautific smile on her face. She was just SURE that every one of those claps and cheers was just for her. And she was soaking it up and basking in the adoration. That's why MY Ria was motionless as we clapped!
We had to pick up our children during Intermission. I was happy to be able/allowed to go get her. It's not completely comfortable for me to be always with my children, but it's even more UNcomfortable for me to be away from them, especially when I don't know their caretakers very well.
I brought Ria the rose I'd picked: purple. She is very clear on her very favorite colors: pink and purple. (Orange used to be one of them, but she's recently lost interest in it. Don't know why.)
When I arrived in her room she popped up immediately when she saw me and her eyes were immediately glued to the rose. She didn't really greet me, she just wanted to know if that flower was for HER!?? So, I bent down and spoke to her for a moment about my pleasure in her and her efforts during the recital and then presented the rose to her. She was happy with the praise, but I'm certain, based on her pleasure with it, that the rose meant a LOT more to her! I think she may be a physical affection and gifts Love Language kid.
She just kept admiring her purple rose. She looked at it, smelled it, and said funny adorable things like, "Oh, is this beautiful flower for ME?" and "Oh Mama, this is THE sweetest flower! Thank you so much for getting it for me!!!" and "I'm so happy to have this purple rose. It's perfect." These are not things she said once, she said them over and over with slight variations for at LEAST 15 minutes after she received it!!!
I realized that one of Ria's classmates, a little girl named Roxanna, was becoming upset in a very tearful way. Ria was ready to leave, but I asked her to wait so I could help her friend. So, I picked Rozanna up and held her and promised her that her Mama was coming. She was just sure that her Mama had forgotten her. She was scared and crying. Her Mom came and even had a BOUQUET of flowers for her. (I was actually really worried that Ria would notice that other little girls received multiple flowers and be sad that she got just one, but she didn't care a BIT what other girls got! She was just tickled "purple" about her purple rose!) Roxanna was mostly calm by the time her Mom arrived, but with the flowers her Mom gaver her completed her 180.
I think Roxanna was very touched by the way I treated her because she stayed near us until we actually had to leave to go to our van. It's important to mention that Roxanna speaks quite understandable English when she's not upset, but her Mama isn't confident in spoken English and only understands when one speaks slowly for her and tries different approaches/words to communicate. So, I can only imagine that Roxanna might have thought that her Mama didn't understand what was supposed to happen!
Ria was just a gem in accepting her verbal accolades from her Daddy and Papa! She was so pleased and happy and talked to them quite a bit about her flower. And when we put her to bed LATE that night she smiled beautifically once again for Mama and Daddy, in turn, when we complimented her accomplishment in our own way. Daddy: "You are a REAL ballerina now! You did such a good job tonight and I'm SO proud of you!" Mama: "You are my very own ballerina. I'm so pleased! Thank you so much for doing your very best!!"
After this experience I had a little quiet time to ponder my thoughts and feelings of the night as I drove home from Wal-Mart. The Holy Ghost whispered some ideas to me and a wonderful bright understanding came into my heart... like a personal testimony about something I've known to be true, but not FELT for myself. It is this: The joy and pleasure I felt in my daughter, knowing that she was really trying her very best - even if it was NOT perfect, is only a fraction of the pleasure, satisfaction, and rejoicing that Father and His Heavenly Hosts feel in US when He and They can discern that we are truly doing our very best - however imperfect it may be in reality!!!!
This is not a tremendous epiphany in the truest sense: that some knowledge coalesced from little/nothing because I'd totally KNOWN this fact for a long while. And, although I was not able to listen to it myself, I did hear, second-hand, about one of the main subjects Thomas S. Monson delivered around the time of President Hinkley's death (perhaps AT his service?): "Just do your best. That's all Father expects of ANY of us!" I've known it in my head. But what a blessing and JOY it is to my heart and soul to have this new experience of KNOWING and FEELING it in my heart and soul as a result of feeling it (to a mortal's ability to do so) for my own daughter!!!
Man, Motherhood is SUCH a gift!!! I know I would not be anywhere near as good a person as I am becoming if I didn't have the opportunity/challenges of Motherhood in my life!!!! I'm so very grateful for all of it! Children really are THE greatest gift Father could lend us!!!!! ^_^
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Lighten Up and LAUGH!
I think I've seen this video at least 5 times and I laugh until I have tears in my eyes EVERY time! Baby laughs are just THE best (as Kat screams in my ear!).
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thoughts
Thursday night was nice. It was good to have Jess home. However, I didn't go on a walk at all, much less alone. The weather was iffy, but had he been at work, I would have totally gone. I guess I just wanted to be around my hubbie!
He made a great dinner. THAT was sooo nice. I miss his cooking almost as much as I miss HIM during the week!! ;)
For the last 5 weeks now I've been walking a minimum of 5 days a week and trying to make it 6. It seems that adding that one extra day just doesn't work. It certainly hasn't yet! The reason for not being able to walk the 6th day is not the same each week, but still it doesn't work out! So, I'm changing my goal. I'm sticking with walking 5 days each week, since that totally works (even if it is a bit difficult sometimes). But now I'm going to walk a minimum of 80 minutes. I figure that after walking 80 minutes each day I'll have accumulated more than the 60 I normally do as my minimum for EACH day! I've been walking 70+ minutes each day this week, so it only makes sense to raise the bar in a way that is tangible. ^_^ I'm excited to work toward this new goal.
Oh, I'm also still trying to walk the bridge 3 days each week and then do intervals on the other 2 days. The intervals are quite challenging, though, and I may alternate weeks. Like, one week do 3 interval days and 2 bridge days and vice versa. Definitely a worthy challenge since I want to strive for more challenging intervals. Right now I warm up for 5 minutes at an easy pace, *push it for 15 seconds, easy/moderate (depending on my energy level of the day) for 60 seconds*, and repeat between *s until I reach 30-40 minutes (also dependent upon energy level AND shin splint pain).
I'm excited to report that I'm beginning to feel a deep love of being a Mama. I think I've been an all right Mom for the last 5 years (counting Ria's gestation). But the whole role has been daunting and extremely overwhleming for me. (I realize both of those words have nearly the same meaning, but the feeling each conveys is just different enough that I felt I needed them both!) I think that these negative feelings have had a great deal to do with my responsibility issues... I feel responsibility keenly and it tends to overshadow enjoyment (in general, but it especially has in Motherhood).
I know I've mentioned Sage before. Well, I feel like she has really made a dramatic impact in my life and perceptions of things since I moved here, but especially since I've been lucky enough to get to know her. She is an AMAZING Mom! She loves being a Mom and cherishes ALL of her children without seeming overwhelmed by the responsibility of taking care of them.
When I was in the in-between ages (in between young and the full-on teens) I wasn't sure my Mom liked me very much. I could tell she liked AND loved her babies and I knew she LOVED me, but I didn't feel very well LIKED. I also don't remember my Mom being happy very often. My Mom is amazing and wonderful and she did a really great job raising 6 children. I remember once telling my Mom that I didn't want to have the frowny wrinkles that she had; that I wanted to be a happy Mom. Well, I haven't been.
The majority of my memories of my Mom and feelings surrounding all that I've just described come from when I was around 10/11/12 because the long-term stuff is pretty much shot full of GAPING holes. I want to specifically mention this fact because I'm sure there are lots of wonderful things and happy moments that I don't and cannot remember!
Anyway... I've seen myself doing what I remember... and not being pleased about it, but then feeling sort of hopeless about changing because I haven't known HOW to change... what to do... how to change my thinking... it was just very... ... ... .... Well, I don't know how to describe how I felt about myself and my inability to change, really. The point is that about 2 weeks ago Heavenly Father blessed me with a sort of blanket KNOWING gift of inspiration! I realized that to stop the way things were going between Ria and me and to become a "Happy Mom" I just had to DO IT. (Nike... and one of our past prophets!) Anyway... with the support of our Father in Heaven I haven't yelled at Ria since then. I've purposefully lowered my voice, even to a whisper, when I have felt frustrations about which I needed to speak to her. I've stopped before speaking so that I could let go of the annoyance before I said a word (HUGE for me!!!) and then spoken to her with no emotion in my words/reaction. I've been even MORE consistent than I was before (and I really felt this was a pretty strong attribute). Missing Story Time was a huge step for me as far as the whole "Say what you mean, mean what you say" thing goes. I've always known that saying and really abided by it pretty well, but when it came to library visits, I would not really follow through reliably because I was afraid of turning Ria off of books/reading/libaries. Well, I figured, last week, that our relationship and ability to relate was more important that all that! So, we missed Story Time because Ria's behavior was not fit for departure from our home.
My poor Ria hasn't known what to do with all this. I understand that when we strive to change the "Universe" revolts. Ria, as part of that universe, has definitely revolted. She has tested more and harder in the last 2 weeks than ever before in her life. She has thrown more "monkey-actin" temper tantrums than I care to remember. She has spent lots of time in her room for back-talking and other bits (and BIGs) of disobediences. And it seems like she's been a lot more of these things with her Daddy than normal as well! I think the reason for this last part is that she couldn't get a reaction from me, but he was still susceptible. He was still reacting the old way and that's the way she's become accustomed to, so it was comfy... so she pushed for it.
Last night I had a talk with Jess and Ria (seperately) about all this. I appologized to Ria for being the kind of Mama I used to be and told her I'm really REALLY trying to change and that Daddy is going to do the same now that I've talked to him about it. She will probably still push... she's a part of the universe. But, with the Lord's help, I think we're moving toward being a new kind of family. And I'm so very excited about it!!!
Tonight I was lying in bed (helpin Kat to fall asleep) and I just felt this overwhelming feeling of something that I can only define as "joy of motherhood." This is a feeling I've only rarely had before. But I'm sure, as we continue to grow and improve, I'm going to have this feeling LOTS more often BECAUSE I'm determined to LOVE being a Mama. And I'm also determined to be a mostly "happy Mom!"
I decided to share all of that because I hope that someone else might gain some hope from my experiences! Life can be so heavy sometimes... but if we can see someone else sort of bearing up under the weight, then it can help us to feel stronger too! At least, that's how I feel!! This is exactly why Sage is so precious to me... I see her bearing her load in a way that seems effortless (though I know she would disagree) and feel SO motivated and inspired by her. I hope I can grow up to be almost just like her! I can't be a return missionary like her, but perhaps I can emulate the other wonderful aspects that are SAGE! ^_^
He made a great dinner. THAT was sooo nice. I miss his cooking almost as much as I miss HIM during the week!! ;)
For the last 5 weeks now I've been walking a minimum of 5 days a week and trying to make it 6. It seems that adding that one extra day just doesn't work. It certainly hasn't yet! The reason for not being able to walk the 6th day is not the same each week, but still it doesn't work out! So, I'm changing my goal. I'm sticking with walking 5 days each week, since that totally works (even if it is a bit difficult sometimes). But now I'm going to walk a minimum of 80 minutes. I figure that after walking 80 minutes each day I'll have accumulated more than the 60 I normally do as my minimum for EACH day! I've been walking 70+ minutes each day this week, so it only makes sense to raise the bar in a way that is tangible. ^_^ I'm excited to work toward this new goal.
Oh, I'm also still trying to walk the bridge 3 days each week and then do intervals on the other 2 days. The intervals are quite challenging, though, and I may alternate weeks. Like, one week do 3 interval days and 2 bridge days and vice versa. Definitely a worthy challenge since I want to strive for more challenging intervals. Right now I warm up for 5 minutes at an easy pace, *push it for 15 seconds, easy/moderate (depending on my energy level of the day) for 60 seconds*, and repeat between *s until I reach 30-40 minutes (also dependent upon energy level AND shin splint pain).
I'm excited to report that I'm beginning to feel a deep love of being a Mama. I think I've been an all right Mom for the last 5 years (counting Ria's gestation). But the whole role has been daunting and extremely overwhleming for me. (I realize both of those words have nearly the same meaning, but the feeling each conveys is just different enough that I felt I needed them both!) I think that these negative feelings have had a great deal to do with my responsibility issues... I feel responsibility keenly and it tends to overshadow enjoyment (in general, but it especially has in Motherhood).
I know I've mentioned Sage before. Well, I feel like she has really made a dramatic impact in my life and perceptions of things since I moved here, but especially since I've been lucky enough to get to know her. She is an AMAZING Mom! She loves being a Mom and cherishes ALL of her children without seeming overwhelmed by the responsibility of taking care of them.
When I was in the in-between ages (in between young and the full-on teens) I wasn't sure my Mom liked me very much. I could tell she liked AND loved her babies and I knew she LOVED me, but I didn't feel very well LIKED. I also don't remember my Mom being happy very often. My Mom is amazing and wonderful and she did a really great job raising 6 children. I remember once telling my Mom that I didn't want to have the frowny wrinkles that she had; that I wanted to be a happy Mom. Well, I haven't been.
The majority of my memories of my Mom and feelings surrounding all that I've just described come from when I was around 10/11/12 because the long-term stuff is pretty much shot full of GAPING holes. I want to specifically mention this fact because I'm sure there are lots of wonderful things and happy moments that I don't and cannot remember!
Anyway... I've seen myself doing what I remember... and not being pleased about it, but then feeling sort of hopeless about changing because I haven't known HOW to change... what to do... how to change my thinking... it was just very... ... ... .... Well, I don't know how to describe how I felt about myself and my inability to change, really. The point is that about 2 weeks ago Heavenly Father blessed me with a sort of blanket KNOWING gift of inspiration! I realized that to stop the way things were going between Ria and me and to become a "Happy Mom" I just had to DO IT. (Nike... and one of our past prophets!) Anyway... with the support of our Father in Heaven I haven't yelled at Ria since then. I've purposefully lowered my voice, even to a whisper, when I have felt frustrations about which I needed to speak to her. I've stopped before speaking so that I could let go of the annoyance before I said a word (HUGE for me!!!) and then spoken to her with no emotion in my words/reaction. I've been even MORE consistent than I was before (and I really felt this was a pretty strong attribute). Missing Story Time was a huge step for me as far as the whole "Say what you mean, mean what you say" thing goes. I've always known that saying and really abided by it pretty well, but when it came to library visits, I would not really follow through reliably because I was afraid of turning Ria off of books/reading/libaries. Well, I figured, last week, that our relationship and ability to relate was more important that all that! So, we missed Story Time because Ria's behavior was not fit for departure from our home.
My poor Ria hasn't known what to do with all this. I understand that when we strive to change the "Universe" revolts. Ria, as part of that universe, has definitely revolted. She has tested more and harder in the last 2 weeks than ever before in her life. She has thrown more "monkey-actin" temper tantrums than I care to remember. She has spent lots of time in her room for back-talking and other bits (and BIGs) of disobediences. And it seems like she's been a lot more of these things with her Daddy than normal as well! I think the reason for this last part is that she couldn't get a reaction from me, but he was still susceptible. He was still reacting the old way and that's the way she's become accustomed to, so it was comfy... so she pushed for it.
Last night I had a talk with Jess and Ria (seperately) about all this. I appologized to Ria for being the kind of Mama I used to be and told her I'm really REALLY trying to change and that Daddy is going to do the same now that I've talked to him about it. She will probably still push... she's a part of the universe. But, with the Lord's help, I think we're moving toward being a new kind of family. And I'm so very excited about it!!!
Tonight I was lying in bed (helpin Kat to fall asleep) and I just felt this overwhelming feeling of something that I can only define as "joy of motherhood." This is a feeling I've only rarely had before. But I'm sure, as we continue to grow and improve, I'm going to have this feeling LOTS more often BECAUSE I'm determined to LOVE being a Mama. And I'm also determined to be a mostly "happy Mom!"
I decided to share all of that because I hope that someone else might gain some hope from my experiences! Life can be so heavy sometimes... but if we can see someone else sort of bearing up under the weight, then it can help us to feel stronger too! At least, that's how I feel!! This is exactly why Sage is so precious to me... I see her bearing her load in a way that seems effortless (though I know she would disagree) and feel SO motivated and inspired by her. I hope I can grow up to be almost just like her! I can't be a return missionary like her, but perhaps I can emulate the other wonderful aspects that are SAGE! ^_^
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