Because It Matters to Me

I wondered, when I experienced miscarriage last year, if the baby's estimated due date would be upsetting at all.

Since today is that day, and because it matters to me, I wanted to share how I feel.

I feel better.

I am super grateful to be pregnant on this date.  I think it would be a more difficult un-birth-day if I wasn't.  Truly.  If I wasn't preggie, I would only mourn and not be sure I would have the opportunity to look forward to holding a new little person.

Since lots of ladies I know have shared that they are glad to hold others' babies, but equally glad that they won't have to deal with one of their own, I can only imagine that I will feel similarly some day.  However, I am NOT there yet.  I ache to hold, nurse, and feel even more fatigue (assuming this new baby is like my girls) than I do now.  Obviously, I'm not done having babies!  And since I'm preggie, I don't have only mourning on my mind.

God's wisdom is far greater than my own!  At the time we conceived, I did not want to get preggie.  I was feeling overwhelmed by certain things going on and didn't think I could emotionally deal with a pregnancy only 3 months after pregnancy loss.  Well, in a way I was right... but in the longer-term, I was definitely wrong.  I'm so glad God is able to know the end from the beginning!!!

Given the above, I'm WAY better today than I was in the early months of pregnancy.  Being half-way through and not knowing when I'll get home is pretty interesting.  I want to clean my nest and cannot... so I'm trying to satisfy myself in my parents' nest.  ;)  I sure am glad God knows how this will all play out!

Third 1/4 of My 40 Day Meditation Journey/Journal/Experiment

This post has been moved.  Please read it HERE.

Just To Be Clear

I am really doing all right.  For anyone who knows me (as opposed to those who read here for entertainment, information, or otherwise), I'm quite all right.  Truly.

The Lord has provided me with numerous resources and I am making use of them.  All is well and all will be well.

If you feel inspired and directed of the Lord to talk to me about or share something that relates to the subject of spontaneou abortion (aka: miscarraige), feel free to do so.  Otherwise, at this time, I would prefer simply to not talk about it.  Even the too frequent repetition of the normally benign question, "How are you?" is kinda... annoying?  That word does not have the correct connotation for my feeling, but it's close-ish.

Anyway, my point is that I've made a big step in simply making my experience somewhat public.  I'm not ready and do not desire to conversate about it in real-life.  Writing is fine.  Out loud, not so much.

And thank you, in advance, for kindly not broaching the subject.  Unless you are my Mom or husband, of course.  They can do as they like.  Special priviledge of... um... BIRTHING me and, well... you know.  ;)

Baby-Not-To-Be Record for Me

^_^ and anyone else interested, obviously ^_^

April 24, 2012 Conceived.

May 29 Around the time my baby died.

June 5 Began meditating.

June 20 Couldn't find a heart-beat with Doppler or Ultra-Sound.

June 23 Began to bleed, still thinking (hoping) I'm pregnant.

July 2 Began anger meditation 40 days.

July 6  Finished bleeding.

January 15, 2013 Baby-not-to-be's expected due date.

Why I Use the Term: Spontaneous Abortion

Do you know me?

If you do, then it'll come as no surprise when I tell you that I felt more excited and happy about this pregnancy (the one that is no more) than I've felt about any of the previous 4.  How could that be? I've wondered.  But then, as I ponder on it, it is no wonder at all.  I mean, I'm more than I was.  I have grown (and pray will continue to do so!).  I have come to understand, in some small way, at least, how much Love grows with the addition of each new baby to our family.  I have begun to feel a little competent in my roles as Mama... so, of course I would be more easily happy and joyful at a pregnancy under such conditions.

If you don't know me, then consider the above in addition to the following:  I am quiverful.  If you look in the Bible (I'm not going to take the time, cause I'm getting tired, finally) there are a couple (I think) verses that refer to a quiver full of arrows, and how a man who has many will be joyful.  Anyway... this is where the term quiverfull arises.  This term does not mean that someone who believes this way must necessarily have MANY children.  It actually means that I desire to accept the Lord's planning for my family.

I have desired to understand the Lord's Will for our family size.  As a result of my desire and effort to understand, I believe I have come to some understanding... and so I hope for each spirit that I believe is still missing.  I pray for them to come safely into their tabernacle of flesh and join our family via birth.

Also, it is pertinent to know that I am the oldest of 6 kids and when I was little my Mom's Mom would always ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  My firm and steady reply, "A Mom."  That's all I EVER wanted to be as a child.  And I thought I'd have 6.  Just like my Mom.  Well, I think I know a different number... at least I'm hoping for a different number of childre - more than I have, but that's really besides the point because ultimately, I desire the Lord's Will.

Okay, so... I think that's enough information to understand more fully what I'm going to share.

In my logical mind, I know I did not do anything to cause the death of the baby I was pregnant with.  I do realize this.

However, my feeling is one of absolute pain and guilt.  For, surely (it feels - and this is how the heart of man is so unreliable as we can read in His Holy Word) I am responsible.  The baby was growing in MY body, afterall.  And then died.  And my body expelled it.  I am culpable.

What I know and what I feel are at extreme odds, obviously.  I KNOW my feelings are rubbish, but I feel them completely to be truth.  I'm glad I know, and have heard repeatedly of the Lord, that they are NOT truth.  But feelings can be really very difficult to... get past.

Anyway... As I've tried to use the word miscarriage to describe my experience, I've felt this horribleness even more.  Somehow that word means to me: "I dropped my baby.  I don't know HOW that could've happened... I mean, I was carrying it just fine and then lost it."  UGH.  BLAH!  I think I cannot adequately describe to you the way it feels BLUGGLY and just horrible to consider this experience a "miscarriage"... like it's something I did.

However, "spontaneous abortion," by it's very words feel TO ME more like, "my body did this... why did my body do this thing to me... how could my baby die and my body just push it out... spontaneously?"

Does that make sense?

Well, whether it does or not, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

If you need some clarification, please ask specific questions.  :)