Just To Be Clear

I am really doing all right.  For anyone who knows me (as opposed to those who read here for entertainment, information, or otherwise), I'm quite all right.  Truly.

The Lord has provided me with numerous resources and I am making use of them.  All is well and all will be well.

If you feel inspired and directed of the Lord to talk to me about or share something that relates to the subject of spontaneou abortion (aka: miscarraige), feel free to do so.  Otherwise, at this time, I would prefer simply to not talk about it.  Even the too frequent repetition of the normally benign question, "How are you?" is kinda... annoying?  That word does not have the correct connotation for my feeling, but it's close-ish.

Anyway, my point is that I've made a big step in simply making my experience somewhat public.  I'm not ready and do not desire to conversate about it in real-life.  Writing is fine.  Out loud, not so much.

And thank you, in advance, for kindly not broaching the subject.  Unless you are my Mom or husband, of course.  They can do as they like.  Special priviledge of... um... BIRTHING me and, well... you know.  ;)

Baby-Not-To-Be Record for Me

^_^ and anyone else interested, obviously ^_^

April 24, 2012 Conceived.

May 29 Around the time my baby died.

June 5 Began meditating.

June 20 Couldn't find a heart-beat with Doppler or Ultra-Sound.

June 23 Began to bleed, still thinking (hoping) I'm pregnant.

July 2 Began anger meditation 40 days.

July 6  Finished bleeding.

January 15, 2013 Baby-not-to-be's expected due date.

Why I Use the Term: Spontaneous Abortion

Do you know me?

If you do, then it'll come as no surprise when I tell you that I felt more excited and happy about this pregnancy (the one that is no more) than I've felt about any of the previous 4.  How could that be? I've wondered.  But then, as I ponder on it, it is no wonder at all.  I mean, I'm more than I was.  I have grown (and pray will continue to do so!).  I have come to understand, in some small way, at least, how much Love grows with the addition of each new baby to our family.  I have begun to feel a little competent in my roles as Mama... so, of course I would be more easily happy and joyful at a pregnancy under such conditions.

If you don't know me, then consider the above in addition to the following:  I am quiverful.  If you look in the Bible (I'm not going to take the time, cause I'm getting tired, finally) there are a couple (I think) verses that refer to a quiver full of arrows, and how a man who has many will be joyful.  Anyway... this is where the term quiverfull arises.  This term does not mean that someone who believes this way must necessarily have MANY children.  It actually means that I desire to accept the Lord's planning for my family.

I have desired to understand the Lord's Will for our family size.  As a result of my desire and effort to understand, I believe I have come to some understanding... and so I hope for each spirit that I believe is still missing.  I pray for them to come safely into their tabernacle of flesh and join our family via birth.

Also, it is pertinent to know that I am the oldest of 6 kids and when I was little my Mom's Mom would always ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  My firm and steady reply, "A Mom."  That's all I EVER wanted to be as a child.  And I thought I'd have 6.  Just like my Mom.  Well, I think I know a different number... at least I'm hoping for a different number of childre - more than I have, but that's really besides the point because ultimately, I desire the Lord's Will.

Okay, so... I think that's enough information to understand more fully what I'm going to share.

In my logical mind, I know I did not do anything to cause the death of the baby I was pregnant with.  I do realize this.

However, my feeling is one of absolute pain and guilt.  For, surely (it feels - and this is how the heart of man is so unreliable as we can read in His Holy Word) I am responsible.  The baby was growing in MY body, afterall.  And then died.  And my body expelled it.  I am culpable.

What I know and what I feel are at extreme odds, obviously.  I KNOW my feelings are rubbish, but I feel them completely to be truth.  I'm glad I know, and have heard repeatedly of the Lord, that they are NOT truth.  But feelings can be really very difficult to... get past.

Anyway... As I've tried to use the word miscarriage to describe my experience, I've felt this horribleness even more.  Somehow that word means to me: "I dropped my baby.  I don't know HOW that could've happened... I mean, I was carrying it just fine and then lost it."  UGH.  BLAH!  I think I cannot adequately describe to you the way it feels BLUGGLY and just horrible to consider this experience a "miscarriage"... like it's something I did.

However, "spontaneous abortion," by it's very words feel TO ME more like, "my body did this... why did my body do this thing to me... how could my baby die and my body just push it out... spontaneously?"

Does that make sense?

Well, whether it does or not, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

If you need some clarification, please ask specific questions.  :)

Second 1/4 of my 40 Day Meditation Journey/Journal/Experience

This content has moved.  Please read it HERE.

Under the Influence

A friend who was beyond appropriately named Sage (for she is a sage) once said something like, "I just think that once we can see and know what we were really dealing with here in this life, that we'll really understand how huge a part hormones played in our experience of life."  and, "I just think life would be so much easier without hormones."

Prior to this pregnancy, I've felt ups and downs during pregnancy, it is true.  Probably Jessie would convey a different experience of me than what I've felt, but I'm sharing my truth... and my truth is that I never felt like I REALLY understood what my friend was talking about because, you see, my sage of a friend was referring especially to the hormonal effects of pregnancy.  And while I had experienced some moments of a sort of almost-out-of-control-ness, I didn't feel it for the majority of the pregnancy.  Or, maybe I'm remiss and I simply cannot remember that much of the time before each of my children.  Anyway... be it as it is...  My truth is my truth and maybe I will know differently when I can perceive it all as one.  But that won't be for some time, I hope.  :)

Anyway... this time around was significantly more difficult (prior to enduring the spontaneous abortion aka miscarriage... more on why I prefer the former over the latter in another post, me thinks).

For instance, as I originally wrote this, it was very late Sunday night, June 25th (and I was already within the dark corridor of the spontaneous abortion, but did NOT know it for absolutely sure (read: had not received confirmation by bloodwork, even though I knew it by whispers and impressions of the Lord)).  I had a truly horrible experience at church that morning, but haven't ever really shared it here for many reasons, the top among them being that it would require I officially out myself as pregnant, which I thought I was.  That would've then made it super difficult for me to treasure the blessing of the pregnancy I thought I was in, in private as I desired to do.
The experience that Sunday morning truly is something no one should have to deal with.  Probably all too many of you have since we do, unfortunately, live among others who are just as shot full of sin as we are (or is it just me that's shot full of sin? HA!).  Suffice it to say that I was approached about something unnecessary, neutral words were spoken to me in a manner I took as confrontational, in the presence of my children and, being overtired and stressed out (because I was bleeding and in denial of what was going on in my body) I told the speaker to "back off" and "back off, buddy" (as my Ria remembers so clearly because she was shocked to hear me say such a thing in seriousness because that last phrase is one I have only in very serious circumstances said with any heat or venom).  The speaker did not do as I directed when saying "back off."  Already being much aggitated because of hormones, fatigue and deep concern and stress heavy in my heart (which was my reaction to heavy spotting which had begun the night before and had not subsided, but had increased (and the only reason I was at church is because Jessie said I should go) through the night (read: still bleeding as I was being told I was doing wrong by this person who became truly confrontational), I decided to leave immediately, said as much out loud, to which this unkind person replied, "Good!"  That topped the cake and an already physically shaking Tori burst out in sobbing tears, much, I'm sure, to the pleasure of the unkind person.  :(

Now, the following is my tell all on Tori because I did not handle myself well at all that day.  There were well-meaning people following me.  Hoping to help me, I'm sure.  Kind folk who just wanted me to be okay.  (They didn't come to my aid or support in this stupid confrontation, which, I think, is why I rejected their help after-the-fact.  I mean, really?  You just stand by while a woman with children is "told" by a man in no position of authority tells her where she can sit.  Really??)  Anyway, that's not a good reason OR excuse, but the truth is, I freaked out.  I mean, seriously.  At some point, I stopped, turned around, and literally yelled... no, I SCREAMED at my pursuers to stop following me.  I seriously SCREAMED....  I seriously did.  Right there in the hallway at church.  Yes.  Tori did.  Oh, I also think I yelled in the Chapel at that person who was harassing me.  I'm a sinner.  Pure-t sinner.  If you didn't know it before, now you have a REALLY clear picture of one manifestation of my sin.
I was supported.  I must say, as a result of this experience I know ever more clearly that ALWAYS, my friend, no matter what, there is an angel in our Gethsemane - however big or small a particular experience (that feels like it's huge and horrible at the time) is, an Angel is there.  Whether we see them or not.  My angel in this particular bloody garden was a friend who stealthily shadowed me to my van, silently helped pack my children away, unobtrusively suggested that she could watch them while I spoke with the Bishop (if I so chose), and generously, with Christ-like Charity drove my children and me home (because I was shaking too hard to be safe on my own).

Even in my freak-out, God provided!  Isn't He amazing!?!!

Later on, a sister who observed the whole interaction in the Chapel, wrote to me to let me know she observed and was sorry I had to deal with that.  How does one spell comfort?  I'll tell you: c-o-m-p-a-s-s-i-o-n, c-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-a-t-i-o-n and t-i-m-e.  :)

And then a bit later in the evening I received a note from a sister-in-love suggesting that she might send some clothes for Jmy to grow into... which concern I've been pushing out of my worry-wart zone because it is something that could become an issue relatively soon.  And I just felt LOVE.

Even though I totally handled myself so amazingly poorly, God showed me these concrete messages of acceptance and Love.  How awesome and amazing is that!?  And how truly wonderful the people who were instruments in His hands to help my heart heal before I was even willing to try to let go of the anger I allowed myself to feel over the whole situation.
And then Jessie put on his super shiny armor to go defend me.  It's only these sorts of ridiculous situations that could possibly require the donning of that armor and the raising of that sword of his.  And when it comes right down to it (and I am attacked by a party outside of our marriage), he has always gone to battle for me.

What a gift.

God IS Great!!!

So, YES, I'm under (and was definitely under) the influence of the powerful and overly-heady concoction that is pregnancy/spontaneous abortion hormones!  :(  I've read it can take as long as 4 weeks (and longer, heaven forbid), for the hormones to fully abate.  This still only amounts to a grand excuse because, let's face it, my body is subject to my Spirit whether I'm pregnant, going through spontaneous abortion, or otherwise.  I pray you also consider, though, that I am in my Spiritual childhood.  Perhaps, in some people's eyes I am an advanced young'un, but I'm about 8 years old now... ripe and ready for Baptism.  Not really...since I've already BEEN Baptized.  But I hope you get the comparison.  I sure am grateful to have been able to partake of the Sacrament yesterday....

Don't worry.  I'm all right.  God's Got It, doncha know!?  :)

Did You Guess WHAT I Did Thursday and Friday (July 5/6)?

I bet you did!

I completed canning up two recipes.  I made some sweet tomato jam:

the jammy-ness stage of tomato jam

cooling to seal lids

the finished product (5 lbs of tomato)

For some reason I cannot get at the rest of the pictures.
Check 'em out HERE.
Let me know if the link works for ya.

The first couple pictures are the Chow Chow.
As for the others,
we were just goofin' off.  :)

What I Did Friday July 6th (and some of Thursday)

As lame as it is, with my body going through what it is right now, I could not complete the projects I wanted to complete in one day.  Any normal girl would be able to do it (including me if I was my regular self), but we do what we can do as we can do it!  ^_^

I've been wanting to make use of some of our home-grown tomatoes, other than eating them fresh, which, of course, we totally love!  So, yesterday I started by prepping a bunch of tomatoes as well as the other stuff I needed to make up something for Jessie.  I've never had either of what I made, never tried making it before and didn't have all the proper ingredients, but I went for it anyway!

And today I finished up both.
Do you wonder WHAT?
Here are a couple hints.  ;)

Another post will follow with more specifics. ^_^

The First 1/4 of my 40 day Meditation Journey/Journal/Experience

The content of this post has moved.  Please read it HERE.

On Trust, Love and Marriage

Something I've Seen on Facebook:Trust doesn't come with a refill. Once it's gone, you probably won't get it back, and if you do; it will never be the same! And that's a fact!

Very Close to My Actual Response to the Above:
true. yet we must all be courageous and mature enough to realize, understand and truly learn (thus live) the additional truth that love and trust are not mutually exclusive. They exist as seperate, though intrinsically connected, entities. However, one can continue when the other is destroyed. And marriages can be maintained on love or trust alone. It is best and easiest when both are possible, but not necessary.

Additional Thoughts I Desire to Share Here:
So, who said you have to trust your man (or woman) to be able to have a positive and beneficial union?  I have completely rejected this fallacious premise.  You see, although I know trust is AWESOME to have and would love to feel it, I have been through too much to give it right now.  It can be earned.  But once broken too many times, it can truly become un-put-back-together-able... or take so much time to re-exist that it seems like it's not possible to have it again.  At least, this is my current experience.

Does having reason to distrust my man mean that I cannot love him and build a good marriage with him?  Well, most people would say that this is absolutely true.  I disagree.  Does it make life more difficult, to not trust your spouse?  Certainly.  It just does.  That's part of the package when mistrust enters (for good reason or imagined).  Just for the record, my reasons for distrust would overfill a VERY large... hmmmm... a very large something-or-other.  VERY large.  And they are not created or enlarged... these are actual reasons.

Does this mean that Chef Jessie is a bad person?  Absolutely not!  He's actually a model of honesty and integrity with everyone other than me.  Does that hurt, yepper-y-sir-it-sure-do!  But do I focus on that stuff?  Nope.  Sure don't.  The mistrust IS always there.  But I do not focus on it, you see.  It's like anything negative... any problem any of us have... it's always there... that addiction to chocolate, or cigarettes... or that short fuse that, when burned results in overmuch anger... or that problem with mean thoughts... or that desire to spend, spend, spend... or the need to exercise so much that one becomes obsessed to the exclusion of all else that is important.  You see, anything can become a problem if we focus overmuch on it.  Even good stuff!

Anyway... back to my point.

Things are not perfect.  They never will be because Jess and I are both... MORTAL.  We're human.  Problems are part and parcel of this experience called Life.  Like I keep finding myself saying to my girls, "It's easy to be a problem maker.  It's easy to see something that needs to be or could be done and come up with all the problems to prevent you from getting anywhere with it.  But we don't need to do what's easy.  We need to be problem solvers.  Not problem makers!"

How does that pertain?  Well, it does because I don't trust my man.  Do I allow this problem to get in the way of positive interactions with my man?  Nope.  Do I allow this problem I have with him prevernt me from strengthening bonds through physical means, including affection, hand-holding, and otherwise?  No-siree-bob.  Sure don't.  Do I allow the lack of trust I feel toward my husband to turn into a belief that I don't love my husband?  Okay... well, on this one I feel Led to disclose a bit.  When I first learned about a long period of lies... well, I did confuse love with trust.  I did think that if he was untrustworthy, then I couldn't love him.  Honestly, I did.  But I learned, from something I read somewhere (sorry I cannot recall where or even specifically what brought about the epiphany), that trust and love are not the same.  One can exist without the other.  Is it optimal?  Is it a preference to have either without the other.  No.  And no.  But that doesn't mean it is BAD to continue on with only one of those virtues existant in a marriage.

I believe that marriage is worth more than a "need" for complete trust AND/OR love.  If I could trust Jessie, but felt like I didn't love him, I would stay married to him.  Because I know that I can choose to love him again.  The same is true about trust.  I could choose to trust him right now.  I will not because I just will not.  Not right now.  I'm just not strong enough to go down that road again right now.  But I also accept that I can love him, build a stronger marriage with him and have good experiences with him without trust.  Now... if communication went down the drain along with the trust... I'm not so sure I could hang on terribly long (been there, don't work so hot!).  But love and communication truly can provide a reasonably good foundation for a marriage... or a good crack-fixer-upper if the foundation has been cracked or messed up in some bigger way by the realization of untrustworthiness.

At least, I believe this is true as a result of experiences in my own life.

my Man: Chef Jessie
P.S.
I do agree that if trust is rebuilt, it simply never ever is the same.  How could it be?!!?

LINKED


LINKED this post to a BLOG Party
and this one:

Thankful Thursday, Week of June 28 - July 4, 2012

I'm thankful for bodies that heal without any thought or (really) effort to consciously plan and/or bring recovery to fruition.

I'm thankful for preparedness plans and programs and lessons learned by my children which benefit all of us in crunch times.

I'm thankful for my marriage to Chef Jessie and how our marriage is beginning to  improve.

I'm thankful for the negative experiences in life and the positives that arise from them.  (Pretty flower really do grow out of poo!)  ^_^

Love this!

Standing on My Mothers Shoulders

"You're an amazing woman."  My Mom said to me.

"I'm just trying to be like you."  I said in reply.

"Oh, I think you are above and beyond!"  My Mom said, most humbly.

Perhaps she's right.  Perhaps not.  But if she's right, it's only because she came before.  It's only because she broke some bonds, which have freed me to rise higher than she ever could, cause she was tied down... and then, she's put me on her shoulders to reach ever higher.

And that's just how it goes.  Each generation has made agreements.  Some of the agreements, surely, we believed would not be an issue.  Because we knew better than they did (before we arrived in these mortal tabernacles, who our parents are.  And we were sure, I believe, that they would overcome so much more (?) than they did, so the potential bonds we were agreeing to would be broken and the necessity of carrying burdens would be eased because they had broken and carried by them for us.

Regardless of the level or degree of their accomplishment, we have been freed far more than we can understand given our sight, level of comprehension of eternal matters, and so forth which are part and parcel of this life.

I know my Mom broke some very specific bindings as well as many other forms of bindings (I may not comprehend at this time) to which I'm certain I agreed to accept as part of my mortal sojourn before I was born (I'm not as well aquainted with my Dad's childhood to know if such is true of him, too).  But I do know to some small degree some of the bindings that my Mom broke, of those that were passed to her from her Mom and Dad.  She's freed me and my siblings by so doing.  What a blessing!

And so I am raised to stand on my Mother's shoulders by her life and efforts to live righteously and do as our Heavenly Father would have her do.  And so, I continue to try to be like her... to so live as to break bonds, fulfill agreements, and lift my own children.

Isn't that what we all do as parents!?!!??  :)

So I Do, For Much The Same Reason

Why We Run Drills

So, today was a good day.

Right up until the very end, that is.

At the end it didn't turn horrible or anything...

but something very...

ummm...

exciting

did happen.

Wanna know?

Wanna see?

Tell:

(then show)

Well, it happened while

I was cleaning up Jmy

(to rinse the hair

from his freshly buzzed head)

and then quickly rinse the sweat from the hot day

and hair from his cut off me

as well.

Ria, Kat and Tea were

SUPPOSED

to be getting PJs on.

When what to my wondering eyes should I see...

but Kitty Kat running straight to-ward me.

She was streaked in blood from her head to her...

belly.

And Ria freaked out

like a nervous little nelly.  ;)

Mama sent her away to stop the additional scare,

while noticing Kat kept her eye on the mirror with great care.

Pressure applied to that cut by a Mama.

and right into the shower

I whisked my poor Kat.

Washed away that darn blood

and calmed my girl down.

Then a request of my sweet Ria:

"Emergency call to Daddy, right now.

Just like we've practiced.

Yes, you KNOW how!"

And away my girl went.

The call was placed carefully.

She spoke to the woman,

oh so clearly,

"I need to speak to Jessie Gollihugh

right now.

This is an emergency."

The phone was quickly given.

The message from daughter to Father relayed.

And Daddy sped home,

to give us his aid.

The practice we'd done,

the drills we had run,

all paid off quite well,

reaffirming preparedness...

you don't have to, ME, sell!!!

Kat all bandied up and feeling quite special.

A close-up of the decorated bandages adorning her freshly cared-for cut

(so she could see them and be pleased).

I specially decorated the bandaids to cheer the good sport of a patient.  :)

As an aside:

 I was recently condemned for running drills with my children

because condemning person said I was teaching fear, not Faith.

I did not argue the point with said person, opinions are opinions.

BUT I refuse to stop doing,

and I refuse to constantly question

the things the Lord directs me to do.

His Ways are not our ways.

I will trust in my God!

He is EVER Faithful.

It is my challenge to always be so!

JUST SO YOU KNOW:

Basically all head injuries bleed profusely.

IF you haven't seen one (I hope you won't have to) it can be rather alarming.

I've seen a few.  So this was nothing real new.

I totally kept my cool.

One of my GOOD MAMA moments, I must say!  :)

And we took care of bizness.

All is well.  Kat is fine.

The culprit who caused the harm

is also well and fine.

Alls well that ends well.

Pointing out some silver around what could seem a cloud to many:

1. Daddy did NOT get a ticket when he sped home at 80 miles per hour (in a 35MPH zone)!

Jessie DID pass a Police Officer going the other way...

YEAY for God's mercies!!!

2. I'm certain some lessons have been learned

by three little girls,

which wouldn't have sunk in quite so well

without the difficult circumstances of this particular experience.

3. It could've been SO much worse!

Did you SEE how close to her eye that cut is!!??

For cryin' out loud... it could've been SO much worse!!!

I bear you my testimony that God was present and protecting

when I actually could not be!

Aint He great!!!?

To Conclude:

We, of this Gollihugh Family,

are EVER grateful for His constant, tender care

and awesome mercies!

Praise the Lord and Bless His Holy Name!!!!

LINKED UP

Some Nice Guidelines

If we know the Word of God and understand it, these 18 points are the ways our Heavenly Father would have us live, phrased in a different way.

At the start of the new millennium, the Dalai Lama issued eighteen rules for living.:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: 1. Respect for self 2. Respect for others 3. Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Nice, right?  :)

Chapter 3 of The Way We Became

This chapter is the first chapter for which you will pay if you desire to continue to read The Way We Became, which is the title of the story you've been reading parts of for the last couple weeks."How much?" You say.

Merely 10¢.  That's $0.10 for real.  Can you beat that??

 

Paypal takes a cut, thus the dime instead of a nickel...  I figure 10¢ is pretty inexpensive for a whole Chapter of a pretty cool... slightly strange story that you really want to know what's going to happen next in... right?  ^_^
This is a one-time purchase.  You will not be charged for more than this one Chapter.  That's only ten cents, just in case you missed it above!  ;)  If you desire to continue reading beyond this Chapter, you will have the opportunity to pay for each one as they are released.

In your purchase, you will detail the email address to which you would like to receive Chapter 3.  I will send you an invoice.  Please remember that this material is protected by Copyright Law:

© 2012 Tori Gollihugh All Rights Reserved

Thank you, in advance, for being honest, honorable and trustworthy!