Thankful Thursday

I am thankful to be fully free of PostPartum Depression for the first time.  My fifth baby is 4.5 months old and, if I remember correctly, it's hit prior to now in each preceeding postpartum period.  I'm so grateful to hope that it will stay away for good.

Monday morning, during my walk, I imagined a series of scenes... almost like a movie in my head.  I saw my past experiences with postpartum depression (especially the first time around!) as if I was mauled... slowly and painfully ripped at, and eventually fully eaten by a big, bad, horriblyhideous dog of hell.  I was still aware as I traveled through the digestive system of the hell dog and, yes, still aware as I was pooped out.  As poop in a pile, I was conscious and did, at times, feel a desire to give up and just be poop.  But even though the changes (through the whole process) were so super slow and took so long it felt like forever... the piles of poop next to each other melded together and eventually reformed into me... but different.  Very different.  So, I'm not the glamourous phoenix, for sure... but at least I know where I've been and what I am.  What we all are, really.  Cause that phoenix was originally poop, too.... way back.

Anyway... I felt like I should share that "movie" right after I saw it.  I felt like, maybe, if someone else feels like poop in a similar way... well, maybe they'd feel able to share with me... because I also saw that Heavenly Father allowed me those tortures (and those I still endure, just happen to be free of PPD!) so that I could sit in the darkness with another... that I might be able to bring some comfort and hopefully light to their darkness.  I sure hope so.  I know there were so few who could endure my darkness...  those few who did dare... well, even if they might hate me in the future, I will adore them to my dying day!

I believe Heavenly Father takes those He takes through valley so that they are able to guide others through... sorta like trail blazers.  Those they guide could rely on God just as the trail blazers did... but perhaps choose not to?  I'm not really sure about that part, but I definitely yearn to help others through faster than what I've endured.  I know *a* way and sure hope to share it with anyone who may be willing to listen!  ^_^

When I look into your eyes...

Jess told me that this morning Ria said to him, "When I look into your eyes, I know that I love you." The things they say, right!? So sweet!

When Jess was leaving for work a few moments ago, Ria came over to me and asked to do love fits with me. When I looked at her funny (because this is usually something we do when someone is leaving) she said, "I just want to do love fits with you because I love you!" My heart felt all melty, of course! :)

Kitty Kat is pretending so much. She's been doing this one particular thing for a while. I wish I understood what it is she's giving me... but, alas, her words are still often unintelligible. Basically, she'll bring something over to me in her closed little fist and "say things" until I put my hand out. Then she'll turn her hand as if putting something into my hand. She often adds a tapping of her hand on my hand to this whole scenario. She's told me what it is that she's giving to me, but I couldn't tell ya what it's actually supposed to be. As long as I smile and thank her for sharing, she is VERY pleased and giving me all kinds of goofy-cute smiles!

My funny sweet girls!

Jess is feeling under-the-weather today. The actual weather outside is pretty dreary, too, so I'm sure that doesn't help things. I actually realized that my feelings of a sort of physically depressive-ness could well be because of the barometer this week! No, seriously! Why wouldn't the body have a reaction to the weather!?? It makes sense because I haven't felt all down and out emotionally, but I HAVE felt really slow and poopy physically, but not ill, per se. Interesting.