I am thankful to be fully free of PostPartum Depression for the first time. My fifth baby is 4.5 months old and, if I remember correctly, it's hit prior to now in each preceeding postpartum period. I'm so grateful to hope that it will stay away for good.
Monday morning, during my walk, I imagined a series of scenes... almost like a movie in my head. I saw my past experiences with postpartum depression (especially the first time around!) as if I was mauled... slowly and painfully ripped at, and eventually fully eaten by a big, bad, horriblyhideous dog of hell. I was still aware as I traveled through the digestive system of the hell dog and, yes, still aware as I was pooped out. As poop in a pile, I was conscious and did, at times, feel a desire to give up and just be poop. But even though the changes (through the whole process) were so super slow and took so long it felt like forever... the piles of poop next to each other melded together and eventually reformed into me... but different. Very different. So, I'm not the glamourous phoenix, for sure... but at least I know where I've been and what I am. What we all are, really. Cause that phoenix was originally poop, too.... way back.
Anyway... I felt like I should share that "movie" right after I saw it. I felt like, maybe, if someone else feels like poop in a similar way... well, maybe they'd feel able to share with me... because I also saw that Heavenly Father allowed me those tortures (and those I still endure, just happen to be free of PPD!) so that I could sit in the darkness with another... that I might be able to bring some comfort and hopefully light to their darkness. I sure hope so. I know there were so few who could endure my darkness... those few who did dare... well, even if they might hate me in the future, I will adore them to my dying day!
I believe Heavenly Father takes those He takes through valley so that they are able to guide others through... sorta like trail blazers. Those they guide could rely on God just as the trail blazers did... but perhaps choose not to? I'm not really sure about that part, but I definitely yearn to help others through faster than what I've endured. I know *a* way and sure hope to share it with anyone who may be willing to listen! ^_^
Showing posts with label down. Show all posts
Showing posts with label down. Show all posts
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Thursday, September 20, 2012
A Cold Day (Talking About My Personal Seasons)
Have you ever watched a movie and felt like you saw yourself in a... a not so pleasant light? Perhaps an aspect of one of the Essene Mirrors... or maybe just watching your biggest sort of anxieties about yourself appear before your very eyes on the "big screen"?
Well, unfortunately, I've had this experience recently. I'm sure, by the time this publishes (since I'm post-dating because I really don't want to tell you about this while it's as raw as it is!), I won't feel nearly so poorly about myself regarding what I've just seen... but right now... WOW.
Have you seen the movie "Jack and Jill"? It's good. Only PG, which is rare anymore, right? And a comedy. And it was funny. To me it was funny. I enjoyed it. There were a couple points during the movie that I laughed and then felt totally... uncomfy... like I'd just looked in the mirror and realized exactly how fat I really am after having a totally different picture of my appearance in my own mind. *sigh*
But it didn't really hit me until the movie was completely over. And here I am realizing how completely JILL I am... the huge drawback of my reality: I don't have a twin brother who is cool. Also, I would be hard pressed to allow you to believe I'm as big-hearted as Jill.... So, I'm just "Jill" with none of the "Jack" coolness or HUGE positives to even me out. Also, I have never been pursued by Al Pacino... actually... I haven't really been pursued, per se. Yeah... wack, I know.
I've realized this truth (the Jill-ness of me) about myself many times before in various ways. And in the moments after realizing a new degree of truthfulness and depth of my Jill-ness... well, it is really upsetting and hurts quite a lot. But I manage... I handle it and then I own it. Because that's just who I am.
"Okay," I say to myself (or something like this), "I'm significantly less feminine than I wish I was. Okay. Now, where do I go from here. Well, I'm not willing to feel like a hoochie and wear all kinds of make-up," (and I promise you it would take a ton of that chemical glop to make a difference ova-hee-ahh)... "So, I simply must accept who I am... growing mole on my chin and all and get over it.! No, you do not have to look at it in the mirror! You don't have to try to figure out if it's grown any more recently. Pull the hairs off your chinny-chin-chin (and neck) and get the heck outta there!" Yes, folks... I did just go there.
Obviously, in the moments of writing this post I'm not feeling as "up" as I would prefer. But FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD... life is a series of SEASONS people. Maybe I'm being too real about my personal experience of a period of down time... but this too shall pass. Both the good and the "bad" always do. We can count on that... it'll pass no matter how much we want OR DON'T WANT it to.
So, pray me some pleasant stuff, if you think of it and want to. I sure do know prayer works! And I'll keep working on using the tools for changing my brain (scripture, prayer and meditation are those to which I am referring) to get myself UP and able to have a higher frequency overall... so that even when the down season comes, it'll be higher than what it is currently. I KNOW know KNOW this is possible (the raising of frequency/vibration, overall) and really can and does happen as I've already experienced it in HUGE ways. Although I recognize the down-ness of now, I am also able to compare it to down seasons in the past. And let me tell you... this is NOTHING! Praise God for working changes in me!!! I'm so very grateful!!! (And so it begins: the upturn. Give thanks in ALL things, my friend!) ^_^
Well, unfortunately, I've had this experience recently. I'm sure, by the time this publishes (since I'm post-dating because I really don't want to tell you about this while it's as raw as it is!), I won't feel nearly so poorly about myself regarding what I've just seen... but right now... WOW.
Have you seen the movie "Jack and Jill"? It's good. Only PG, which is rare anymore, right? And a comedy. And it was funny. To me it was funny. I enjoyed it. There were a couple points during the movie that I laughed and then felt totally... uncomfy... like I'd just looked in the mirror and realized exactly how fat I really am after having a totally different picture of my appearance in my own mind. *sigh*
But it didn't really hit me until the movie was completely over. And here I am realizing how completely JILL I am... the huge drawback of my reality: I don't have a twin brother who is cool. Also, I would be hard pressed to allow you to believe I'm as big-hearted as Jill.... So, I'm just "Jill" with none of the "Jack" coolness or HUGE positives to even me out. Also, I have never been pursued by Al Pacino... actually... I haven't really been pursued, per se. Yeah... wack, I know.
I've realized this truth (the Jill-ness of me) about myself many times before in various ways. And in the moments after realizing a new degree of truthfulness and depth of my Jill-ness... well, it is really upsetting and hurts quite a lot. But I manage... I handle it and then I own it. Because that's just who I am.
"Okay," I say to myself (or something like this), "I'm significantly less feminine than I wish I was. Okay. Now, where do I go from here. Well, I'm not willing to feel like a hoochie and wear all kinds of make-up," (and I promise you it would take a ton of that chemical glop to make a difference ova-hee-ahh)... "So, I simply must accept who I am... growing mole on my chin and all and get over it.! No, you do not have to look at it in the mirror! You don't have to try to figure out if it's grown any more recently. Pull the hairs off your chinny-chin-chin (and neck) and get the heck outta there!" Yes, folks... I did just go there.
Obviously, in the moments of writing this post I'm not feeling as "up" as I would prefer. But FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD... life is a series of SEASONS people. Maybe I'm being too real about my personal experience of a period of down time... but this too shall pass. Both the good and the "bad" always do. We can count on that... it'll pass no matter how much we want OR DON'T WANT it to.
So, pray me some pleasant stuff, if you think of it and want to. I sure do know prayer works! And I'll keep working on using the tools for changing my brain (scripture, prayer and meditation are those to which I am referring) to get myself UP and able to have a higher frequency overall... so that even when the down season comes, it'll be higher than what it is currently. I KNOW know KNOW this is possible (the raising of frequency/vibration, overall) and really can and does happen as I've already experienced it in HUGE ways. Although I recognize the down-ness of now, I am also able to compare it to down seasons in the past. And let me tell you... this is NOTHING! Praise God for working changes in me!!! I'm so very grateful!!! (And so it begins: the upturn. Give thanks in ALL things, my friend!) ^_^
(Actually wrote this after "date night" of watching Jack and Jill with Jessie: August 19, 2012.)
September 20, 2012
Just as I expected, the season has turned, and again, and again... currently, I feel significantly better than I did when I wrote this. Lately, though, my experience has been similar to climate change: changeable. But this is just part of the healing process after the miscarriage, I believe. Anyway, that's all we can count on in this life (of mortal, unGodly things, I mean): change.
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