Thankful Thursday: a little about the woman with Pink hair

This Thursday, I am thankful for challenges that require me to do things I used to do for wrong reasons for right ones.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to stand up for my child/children in a way they could see and recognize as such.  I'm thankful for the challenge of staying away from personal attacks even when the other person with whom I am dealing resorts to them.

Yesterday, a woman at the market said something unkind to my eldest daughter.  It was inappropriate and if she actually spoke with rather than at my child, she never ever would've said what she did.  At first I was going to let it pass, as I have been challenged to do (in my nature I have always been a "quick to fight" sorta gal).  Over the last few years I've realized that I should just let it pass.  The more I attempted to do so over this issue, the more sick I felt about it... particularly because of the way my child looked at me and questioned me over this woman's words.

So, even though she was a few feet past us, I approached her to tell her she was wrong for saying what she said to my child.  She was defensive and retorted with additional information that revealed even further that she had really no clue what she was talking about and simply continued to argue only because she didn't want to back down and/or admit she had spoken unkindly and wrongly to a young girl.  Her arguments were horribly faulty and crumbled at every question I poked toward them.  Worst of all, she revealed that she believes the world is a horrible mean place and that children should be put in public school so that they learn that and learn how to deal with it because they are going to have to deal for the rest of their lives.  GAH!!!

Can you tell the subject under discussion was homeschooling?  Well, if you couldn't, it was.  I'll explain more about that another time.  Suffice it to say, for now, that I had a wonderful opportunity to see what I'm currently made of and found, much to my pleasure and joy, that I'm made of much better stuff currently than I ever have been.  Praise the Lord for making me new and increasingly like our dear Savior!  I've got SO far to go yet, but the progress seems really wonderful to me right now!

I really should've known this from all too frequent altercations I am involved in with someone who matters much more than this strange little old woman with pink hair who thinks the world is mean ever could be.  But those are so much more heavy-laden by emotion that it's difficult to discern all that I might understand about myself from them.  However, now that I've had this interaction with the little pink haired woman, I can see so much more clearly my personal progress with the other more important relationship.  Praise the Lord for using this mirror to shine light into the otherwise dimmer area!  :)

Additionally, I'm so thankful that even though yesterday's market day was super duper slow, I was still blessed with a sale!  Praise the Lord for blessing me with consistency.

Another Mirror

It happened within the first day or two of learning of these mirrors (July 21, 2012; at night).  I just decided to put off sharing it until now.

I'd been feeling pretty cruddy about myself for a few days... my phsycial appearance particularly.  There was a very specific trigger and as a result of a single moment and a comment made, I allowed myself to feel like I was hideous.

I hadn't been consciously thinking about this feeling I had about myself, but it was there.

It was Kat's turn to spend an extra 15 minutes (or so) with me after everyone else went to bed.  She was SO excited and I felt really happy to have some quiet time with her.  Somewhere in the midst of our few special minutes, she had to run to the toilet really quickly.  When she came back she said to me, "Mama, I think I'm really ugly."

Oh, the horror.  The pain.  The mirror was up quicker than chickens on a baby mouse.  Seriously fast.  I saw myself.  She was mirroring to me how I felt about me.  This one is a First and Second Mirror, a combo, for me.

We had a long talk about her comment.  And I tried to listen and really pay attention to what I was saying to her, because I also need to internalize the words I said to my girl and felt with all my heart when I said them to my Kitty Kat.

By the by... in case your a curious one like me: she thought she was ugly because of the newly aquired scar as a result of our exciting run in with a real life emergency situation in which our practice of drills came in super handy.

A Mirror in My Life

My weight

Have you heard of the Seven Essene Mirrors?  They are AMAZING!  How does that matter?  Well, very early the morning of this writing (Sunday, July 22, 2012), I came to an epiphany and I hope I've let it in!  Unfortunately, I've had too many experiences with coming to know something and then not being able to fully learn it through daily execution to believe that just because I've had this epiphany, there will be some great changes.  But I sure do hope there will be!

After completing my viewing of a Gregg Braden YouTube about the Seven Essene Mirrors, I've seen a couple of my own for what they are.  The most amazing thing about "learning" about these mirrors is that numerous, even innumerable, experiences and thoughts have come together as a whole now.  I've been hearing about and even speaking about mirrors (emotional, predominantly) for more years than I can count.  If pressed to figure out when I started to see and know about these mirrors, I would have to do back to my teens... maybe even preteens.

But I digress.

So, this morning, I realized that my weight, in its overabundance for my frame, has been perfect.  It has perfectly served the multiple purposes for which I initially added it and for which I have gone out of my way to keep it.  It has probably functioned as innumerable mirrors for me, but the one I'm thinking of and trying to focus on in this post is the Sixth Essene Mirros of Relationship or The Dark Knight of the Soul.
You see, I have long heard (and even experienced, at times) the truth that my body seeks balance and health - even where weight is concerned.  Another way of stating this is to say, as Gregg Braden does in the YouTube, that nature seeks and maintains balance and it is only taken out of balance by masterful effort.  As masters, which he considers all of us to be, we are able to take any number of parts of nature out of balance (like me with my weight).

I haven't spent a great deal of time contemplating why I initially took my physical body out of balance by adding an overabundance of weight.  I'm going to make a quick guess that it might have something to do with a doorway in my memory of childhood that I cannot see or go into at this time in my life.

But I digress yet again.

I guess it's sort of difficult for me to get this realization out with plans to post it to my blog because it does not readily and obviously jive with the kind of who I want to be... who I am striving to be.  This epiphany about my own thoughts and feelings is not pretty and it doesn't even line-up with who I work so hard to be as a Christian and especially not an endowed member of the LDS Church.  Yet I feel compelled to share this realization.  Surely there are many purposes for sharing it, but the one I can think of most specifically and clearly is that maybe someone else can see themselves in my truth... and that by so seeing, they might be able to make a change and by changing improve themselves and the whole.
Okay, so... the fat... it's a protection.  This may be true for most of us who encircle ourselves with extra bunches of padded fluff covered over by skin.  The KIND of protection we seek, though, has as many origin points as we fluffy folk have faces.  I'm not going back to origin.  I'm focusing on now and my recent past.  I've lost weight before, AND maintained it for a while.  But each time I've gotten into what I think might be a safe relationship, I've gained weight again.

Why is THAT?  Yes, I'm getting to it.
My relationship with my husband has now been almost 12 years long.  Not long by some measures, but 12 times longer than any of my prior to him relationships.  I gained some weight before we were married.  Then, I gained a LOT more after the birth of our first child.  Then some more after the birth of our second child.  (Yes, the irony of weight gain AFTER giving birth is NOT lost on me.)  A while after our third child arrived, I lost 30-some pounds.  And then, during pregnancy #4 I gained it all back and then some.  Since the birth of our #4 child, I have lost some, gained it back, lost some, gained it back... I've been losing lately, but not lots.
Each time I shed some weight, I have certain thoughts.  And there are certain people who react to me and treat me rather differently.  One of those many people with different reactions to me is my husband.

Basically, I have come to realize that the largest and most important of the numerous reasons I have surrounded my tabernacle of clay with extra clay is that I fear myself.  I fear how I will react to overmuch attention from, especially, those of the opposite gender.  I suppose many people enjoy to be admired and appreciated by others.  And that in itself is not necessarily detrimentally destructive.  I think this must be so.  I rather hope I'm not alone in enjoying a bit of admiration now and again.  But the problem is tha I enjoy it overmuch, me thinks. This is the crux of my Sixth Essene Mirror of Relationship.  And so, I fluff my house so that the majority will not find it so appealing.... and thus I remain safe from having to fear, find, face or otherwise work through  my own reaction to any potentially possible appreciation.

You might not think it to see me, but I used to be a cute chick.  Especially as a size 10.  And what I lacked in beauty, my good humor (sometimes?), wit, and charm made up for, I've been told.

It's interesting how much less impactful my newfound personal understanding strikes me when put it fully into words!

But though it may be small and rather insignificant to others, it is huge for me in my world.  You see, chastity and virtue, loyalty and fidelity (especially to my husband), and honestly and trustworthiness  are tremendously huge among my self-established goal set.  And to be worried, concerned, or in any way anxious about how anyone other than my God and husband would perceive this shell that holds my spirit... well, it's basically one of the worst things I could do.  As Jesus Christ told us, though not in these words, if by thought we commit sin, we have committed that sin.

So, I've made my shell super soft and generally unappealing to most other shelled souls... especially the oppositely gendered.  To keep myself safe, don't you see?  So, I wouldn't have to deal with a potential dificult that could more easily arise from being as attractive (to whatever degree) as I might be if I was not so adorned.  And so I have cloaked myself because I mistrust me.  Do you see it?  Have you done it?

Then there is the part of my creating these folds of flab to deter others' admiration which has always been conscious to me, but which I find/realize now is far inferior among the reasons I've had for keeping myself fat: I didn't want others to like me for my physical appearance.  This is, truthfully, among the reasons I've kept myself chubbly.  It's just not nearly as important and change impeding  (shedding weight) as the one I have just confessed above.

And it just make so SO so much sense!  Putting this relatization alonside my understanding of toward versus away from motivation.  It just makes so much sense!  I didn't realize that no matter how 'toward' motivated I thought I was, I was really only able to move 'away from' this deeper fear and concern before I would lose motivation because I'd gotten 'just far enough' to #1 not feel comfortable/safe any more and #2 have no further reason for motivation to lose weight.

So, what does this all mean?  Am I now going to shed pounds until my physical form reaches it's natural balance?

Well, I have to tell you, I just don't know.  I don't know if I'm ready to allow it.  I think I am.  I hope so.  But, I guess, only time will tell.  I have lost more than 2 pounds this week....

I will tell you that when I was young, I always had this feeling of absolute KNOWING that one day, when I was significantly older than I was at the time, I would shed all the extra weight and it would permanently stay off without monumental effort on my part.  I do believe the epiphany I have shared above will ultimately bring this truth to fruition... sooner or later.  It's a little exciting and a little scarry to consider it.

Should you learn (or have already learned) about these mirrors, I always enjoy a good story.  If you'd like to share any of your realizations, I'm up for it.  :)

Seven Essene Mirrors

The Seven Essene Mirrors explained by Gregg Braden.  I've almost transcribed the YouTube at the bottom.  I often find it easier to read than watch things.  If you're interested in watching it, it is embedded below.

Each moment of our life, the reality of our internal truth (what we have become) is mirrored to us by the actions, the choices, and the language of those around us.

The First and Second Essene Mirrors of Relationships

First mirror: shows my presence in the moment... what we reflect by others in the moment.  What we are radiating in the moment.

Second mirror, similar quality, but more subtle: mirrors to us that which we judge in the moment.

When I find that many people show me the same pattern of anger or fear... they may be showing me my internal truth in the moment.

Multiple new relationships appear within the same month: PAY ATTENTION.  There is something to learn.

Look at the people you hold most dear.  Look at the qualities that push your buttons most.  Are they showing you what you are in the moment?  Or are they showing you what you judge in the moment?

Understanding the Inner Technology of Emotion
The Third and Fourth Essene Mirrors

Third Essene mystery/mirror of relationship: the mirror we sense every time we find ourselves in the presence of a person who, when we look in their eyes you feel an electrical charge.

Through the course of our lives we give away or lose parts of ourselves.  When we find ourselves in the presence of another inidividual who embodies what we have lost, we will feel it as a magnetic connection to that person.  Ask: what is it I see in this person what I have lost or I've given away or was taken from me?

We will seek to reinforce that which we have lost, given away or had taken away.

Fourth Essene mystery/mirror of relationship: Has a little bit of a different quality.  Through the course of our lives often we will adopt patterns of behavior that become so important to us that we will rearrange the rest of our lives to accomodate this pattern or behavior.  When we find ourselves in this situation, we find that these patterns may be compulsive or addictive patterns of behavior.  The fourth mystery allows us to see ourselves in the presence of addiction or compulsion.  Through addiction and compulsion, we give away little by little the things that are most important to us.  And in the giving away, we have the opportunity to see ourselves as we lose the things we hold most dear.

Alcohol or nicotine may come to mind.  Issues of control.  Addiciton to sex.  Need for money/create money/abundance - all addiction/compulsion behaviors.

The pattern unfolds gradually unfolds over time.  We give away what is most important to us over time.  We may recognize the pattern at any time and heal, at any time.  Rather than taking it to its extreme.  And find our wholeness in the healing.

The Fifth Essene Mirror:  Perhaps single most powerful pattern.  Can see more and to a greater level why we've lived the lives we live.  It is the mirror that our parents showed to us through the course of our childhood/lives with them.  Through this mirror we are asked to allow for the possibility, to entertain the possibility that perhaps the actions of our parents toward us are mirroring our beliefs and expectations of what may be the most sacred relationship we'll ever know in our lifetime: relationship between us and our Heavenly Mother and Father.  It is through this relationship with our earthly parents that our parents are showing us ourselves in that expectation and beliefs of that divine relationship.  For example: if we find ourselves in a relationship with our parents where we feel judged, constantly.  Or that we feel that our best is never good enough.  There is a high probability that what is being mirrored is our belief within ourselves that we may not be good enough.  Or that we may not have accomplished that which may have been expected of us.

Through our perceptions of ourselves and our creator.  It’s a powerful and subtle mirror.  And it may tell us more about why we’ve lived our lives as we have than any other.

There are few absolutes.  There are often exceptions.  If you feel something inside of you welling up that says NO WAY, you’ve likely encountered something that could be really powerful.  The only way you’ll have a response is when you are being shown something that is so deep you may have chosen to avert looking at it in the past.

There is a good possibility that the words (positive and negative) you have used to describe your parents have very little to with those you call Mom and Dad.  With those words, you are describing a mirror.  This is the mirror your parents have held to you of the most sacred relationship you will experience.  The way you see your Mother and Father (the words you use) of this world is a mirror of your expectations of the relationship you have with your Heavenly Mother and Father.  There are many ways to look at this.  Is it possible that inviting you to this world lives an unspoken responsibility that those who raise us are surrogates, they are the closest thing we know in our Heavenly Creator.  They have impeccably held to you the way you see your relationship with your Heavenly Parents.

When you perceived your parents anger, you felt what your creator felt.

This mirror may show you your beliefs, your expectations of what your creator feels for and about you.

Sentence: What would you say to your parents if you had only one minute left?  What would you like to hear from your parents in the last minute of your life?

Through our earth life, we have the opportunity to heal our relationships with both earthly parents and Heavenly Parents by recognizing what the mirror is trying to show us, so to release it.

Both the positive and negative attributes of our earthly parents mirror to us of how we perceive our Heavenly Parents.

The Sixth Essene Mirror: ominous name: dark night of the soul

We are reminded that life has a propensity toward balance, nature has propensity toward balance.  It takes an extremely skillful and masterful being to upset the balance in nature and to upset the balance in our lives.  When we find ourselves in the greatest challenges of life, it in those moments that we may be assured that the only way those challenges are possible is after we have amassed each tool that will allow us to move through that challenge with grace and with ease… until those tools are amassed, we will never see ourselves in the situations that ask us to demonstrate these high levels of mastery.

From this perspective, the greatest challenges of life, may be viewed as tremendous opportunities to demonstrate mastery, rather than tests that may be passed or failed in life.  It is through this mirror that we see ourselves naked, without the emotion and feeling and thought and constructs around us that we have constructed around us to keep us safe.  We have the opportunity to see ourselves in a naked way and to prove to ourselves that the process of life may be trusted.

This mirror is an opportunity to lose everything we’ve held dear in life and see ourselves naked.  As we climb out of the abyss that is left after the loss of everything we held dear, and we see ourselves in a new way; this is where we find our highest levels of master.

LIGHT and DARK

From the ancient perspectives, possibility that the forces at play in our polarized world have chosen to come here to anchor.  The only way to anchor, is for a force or field to hold the mirrors for us.  Pre-twelfth century texts show benign beings Gabriel and Lucifer volunteering to anchor light and dark respectively.

Dream fire ceremony: gaze into the flame, at the space between the flame and the rest of the flame… it allows us to relax and move into an altered state of awareness, sometimes without knowing it.

Your body mirrors your belief.  Illness is only possible if you believe that the forces of light and dark are separate.  If we know that dark and light both originate in our creator, we will not fear.

As you heal each memory (a single memory) you heal the universal fears (3).

1. Fear of not being good enough.
2. Fear of trusting and surrendering.
3. Fear of abandonment and separation.

The science of compassion is an even great possibility.

The Seventh Essene Mirror: Most subtle.  It asks us to allow for the possibility, that each experience of life, regardless of its outcome, is perfect in its nature.  Regardless of whether or not we achieve the lofty goals that have been set by others, we are invited to view our accomplishments in life without comparing them to anything else, without any external reference.  The only way we can view ourselves in failure or success is when we measure our accomplishments to an external yardstick.  The question then arises, what is it that we hold ourselves accountable to?  What do we use as our yardstick of accomplishment?    From the perspective of this mirror, we are asked to allow for the possibility that all aspects of our lives (each aspect of our personal life: body shape, body weight, academic, business, athletic achievements) are perfect as they stand.  And can only be judged when they are compared to an external reference.

Allow for perfection in the imperfections of life.  What standard are we holding ourselves to which cause us to feel unhappy?

How do I know when I have succeeded or failed at something in life?

My Notes For Me
If I am giving you the best that I can, until I compare myself to someone else, I am ‘perfect.’  (Perfect in that 100% is 100%, not perfect as is Christ.)

Power of thought, feeling and emotion will make us more than Christ (as He predicted).

Essene’s remind us that we will go through each of these mirrors through this life.  Sometimes multiple times and sometimes multiple mirrors at a time.

We are invited to know ourselves in the presence of others through our relationships.  As those relationships are reconciled, we become the benefit of that healing.  It is that benefit that we carry with us through life as we walk between the worlds of heaven and earth.

Compassion

Jesus Christ and how He chose to respond to a woman with whom he worked.

Two questions Jesus asked before He healed as conveyed in the Bible: Do you believe in me?  Do you believe in my Father?  Response: yes or no.  Then: What have you learned in your illness?

Woman born with leprosy.  She was angry at her disease.  She responded that she had learned nothing.  She said she was so hideous she’d never had a friend, never known a man, all cower from me.  Christ responded, “If you have learned nothing, then die and come to know yourself through death.”  He loved her that much.

Compassion may be defined as:

Thought without attachment to the outcome.
Feeling without distortion.
Emotion without charge.

Anger is in polarity.  Denial, not allowing feeling.  Allow feeling opens path to compassion.  If you feel nothing when you learn of something horrible, it’s possible that you are in denial.  If you want to get even or make someone pay, you are allowing yourself to feel.  If you can say to yourself, I miss those people and this didn’t have to happen and there’s a sense that there is a balance in the event, then you may be on the way to compassion.

Our Father’s Prayer: Aramaic: Our Father who is everywhere.